Funny Things You've Seen On Airplanes

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
21

I can think of 2 stories that qualify here. The first was back around 1983 when my oldest daughter was about 3 years old and was about to go on her very first airplane ride. We had talked to her about it and she was very excited to be flying on an airplane.

We arrived at the airport and went to the gate, then walked down the jetway to the plane. We walked through the cabin door, and my daughter took one look and exclaimed for all to hear, “This isn’t an airplane. This is chairs!”

The second story requires a bit of setup. My wife and I, along with her brothers and their wives had just spent 10 days driving around Alaska in 2 minivans. There were 9 of us all together, and the adventures we had on that trip probably deserve their own thread. For the return trip we had to arrive at the Anchorage airport around 5 am, so we were all pretty tired on the flight.

The plane was the standard configuration with three seats on each side of the aisle. My wife and I both had aisle seats directly across from each other. Seated next to me were two men, obviously gay, who were busy flirting with each other. Next to my wife was the only empty seat on the plane, and in the window seat was a teenage girl, probably about 16.

After takeoff most of us were catching a few winks. The man next to me kept nodding off and resting his head on my shoulder, which I didn’t exactly appreciate. I was awakened by the sound of my wife screaming. She had been asleep and felt something tickling her chin, which woke her up to discover a white rat crawling on her. In her words, “I jumped up and ran to the back of the plane, then discovered I was still belted into my seat”.

The flight attendant came to see what was going on, and took the rat away in a plastic bag. The little girl behind my wife said, “Lady, you shouldn’t be afraid. They’re usually pretty nice.”

Meanwhile, the flight attendants had been looking around to try to find where the rat came from. Finally they woke up the teenage girl next to my wife who had slept through the whole thing. Turns out it was her pet rat. She was moving to Colorado and smuggled it on the plane in her sweat jacket pocket. This was before 9/11, but I 'm pretty sure even then it was illegal to bring uncaged animals on a flight.

What did the flight attendants do? They gave it back to her!!:eek:

The girl put the rat back in her pocket and went back to sleep. Of course, ten minutes later it was out exploring again. This time my wife woke the girl up and told her in no uncertain terms that she better not see that rat again. At this point, the girl put the rat in her carry-on and we didn’t see it again for the rest of the flight.

After we got back, my wife wrote a letter to Delta Airlines to complain about the way the incident was handled, and they sent her some nice gifts and a $100 flight voucher for each of the nine people in our party.:slight_smile:

22

ATL to O’Hare in May 2009. The landing was a bit of a jolt–enough that most passengers grunted when we touched down. The airline host (male) stated, “The pilot will take what’s left of the plane to Terminal B, Gate 35…” Everyone laughed and the mood was lightened quite a bit. That may be a standard practice among the staff, I’m not sure.

23

I was flying back from Sydney to SF about 10 years ago. It’s a long flight (15 hours or so IIRC) and they encourage everyone to shut the window shades, they turn down the lights and try to get people to sleep.

I decided to take advantage of the free booze so I wandered over to one of the kitchen areas and found that all of the flight attendants were hanging out there; I guess with all the passengers asleep they get bored and sit around talking. Anyhow I asked for some mixed drink that they didn’t have but one of them announced she could cobble something together - it was like the scene in “Mister Roberts” where they have to come up with a bottle of faux whiskey.

So I enjoy my drink at my seat.

A few minutes later a group of them came out looking for me. Their entertainment for the rest of the flight consisted of mixing up unusual drinks and having me try them out. We all had a very fun flight.

It took me a week to get over the combination of jetlag and hangover.

24

I was flying back from Christmas break 9 days ago, seated in an aisle seat at the rear of the cabin. Our plane had just taken off and was beginning a steep ascent. At that moment, some guy in the front dropped his inkpen. He reached back to grab it but it was rolling too fast. One by one the passengers behind him realized a second too late what was happening and just missed it as it rolled all the way down the center aisle. Finally the guy sitting in the aisle seat across from me picked up the pen, and everyone dutifully took turns handing it to one another until it was returned to the original owner in the front.

I’m usually nervous as hell at takeoff, but the absurdity of the moment was a fantastic distraction.

FatBaldGuy, the difference between me and your wife (well, most other people in general) is that I would have been thrilled to play with some kid’s pet rat. They make great pets.

25

Making the plane that much lighter!:wink:

26

When my daughter was about 3 years old, we took a flight that at one point turned very bumpy… I mean really bumpy, like a roller coaster. The atmosphere in the cabin was kind of tense – until, after one particularly big drop, my daughter yelled out, "DO IT AGAIN!!!"

27

I was on a flight that hit some serious turbulence - the plane was bouncing around like a bean in a box, and most of the passengers (me included) weren’t very happy about it. Suddenly, the plane just seemed to drop - like someone had cut a string. The drop was so rapid that people who weren’t belted came out of their seats. Then, the plane pitched up, and everything when slamming back down.

From the back of the plane, someone shouted “YEEHAW! RIDE 'EM COWBOY!”
Everyone who wasn’t puking or scared to death burst out laughing.

28

About 20 minutes into a long transatlantic flight, the guy in front of me reclined his seat all the way back. By “all the way,” I mean his head was practically in my lap. I was not looking forward to a long trip in this position, so I said, “Excuse me, but if your face is down there much longer, you’re about to have your first gay experience.”

(I know, I was assuming . . .)

29

This didn’t happen to me, but was told to me by my brother, and confirmed by his wife. He is a pastor (and can be somewhat prone to exaggeration), but she usually reins him in when his embellishments get out of hand. When he told me the story, she did not indicate that he was embellishing. So, take it at face value. Sorry for the length.

In 1998, my brother and his wife had taken a vacation in Paris, France, and were flying to New York on Air France. They were in the two left seats in the middle section of a 747. My brother was on the aisle, and there were 3 empty seats next to my SIL.

This couple dressed in Arabic clothing get on and take seats in the row in front of them. Their clothing was very exquisite and elaborate, and she had on a lot of jewelry.

Then, a man in a turban got on and tried to sit in their row. The couple was in the wrong seats, but they did not speak English. They spoke only Arabic and French. The man in the turban spoke English, but no French. Finally, they called for a flight attendant and she explained to the couple that they needed to be one row back.

The couple moved to the same row as my brother and his wife and got situated.

Sometime after the meal was served and everyone was settled into the flight, they got two blankets out of the overhead bin, and then asked the flight attendant for two more blankets. Using all 4 of the blankets, they proceeded to make some sort of tent structure, tucking the blankets between the trays and the seats. Finally, they were enclosed within the tent.

Suddenly, there was some movement and loud noises coming from under the blankets. Very loud, passionate noises. People were looking all around, laughing, and pointing.

The couple got so into their passion that my SIL’s arm kept getting hit by the woman’s head. My SIL is very pale, and managed to turn a wonderful shade of pink. Eventually, they finished and all got quiet.

For about 30 minutes.

And, then they were off again, like rabbits, getting louder and louder.

My brother finally stops one of the flight attendants and complains.

The flight attendant explained that the couple was Bedouin, from northern Africa, and that this type of thing happened, occasionally. They had just gotten married and were on their honeymoon. It was explained that, in their culture, as long as they were under the tent, nobody knew what was happening. And, apparently, there was not really anything the flight crew could do. The flight crew made no attempt to stop the action.

By the time they got to New York, there had been 4 major sessions, each lasting 15-20 minutes. It got to the point where people going to the bathroom would stop and comment on it to my brother. One guy even made a joke like, “What are you guys slipping into their drinks?” One man said to my brother, “I don’t know whether to laugh at the guy or cry at my own performance.”

Eventually, they broke down the tent and sat in their seats, flushed, but not necessarily embarrassed.

Finally, they started their approach into New York. The flight attendants passed out the Customs cards. Neither the man nor the woman could read French well enough to fill out the Customs card, so the lady tapped my SIL on the arm and pointed at the card, holding out her pen. Being the helpful pastor’s wife that she is, my SIL started filling out the card for them.

It turned out that the man was a chef who specialized in Bedouin cooking, and had been assigned to the Moroccan delegation at the UN. Even though my SIL spoke no French, they were finally able to muddle through the entire card.

To show her appreciation for my SIL’s help, the lady took a bottle of expensive French perfume from her bag and proceeded to spritz it all over my SIL. My brother’s exact words were, “It smelled like a French brothel.”

After he had told me the story, I had to ask him, “How does a pastor know what a French brothel smells like?”

30

I used to fly from Burbank to Las Vegas on Southwest for a project I was working on. The evening flight home to Burbank was always filled with folks partying and drinking, keeping it going after their stay in Vegas.

On one flight we had already begun our initial approach, the flight attendant had made the first set of announcement, etc. I was near the back of the plane and I noticed this one somewhat older fellow who was sitting near the middle of the plane get up and head to the bathroom. He looked like the type who had spent a lifetime boozing it up and was probably still in the zone.

Well, he was in there a while and by the time he came out we were in our final approach to landing. He came stumbling back down the aisle toward his seat when the flight attendent saw him and screamed, “SIR! SIT DOWN!!!”

He plopped down right there in the aisle, and stayed there until we were landed. He looked like he was having a good time too.

31

I was on a flight over the holidays and, as we’re taxiing for take-off, the four-year-old two rows up screamed, “I’VE GOTTA PEE!” Dad hushes her and explains that she has to wait. “I’VE GOTTA PEE NOW!” She didn’t let up, and the dad didn’t budge. The minutes stretched on, as we taxied and took off, and she kept up alternately screaming and sobbing about needing to pee. This set her younger sister to bawling, as well as the toddler right in in front of us, so it was a symphony of distress. I thought for sure that either the kid would let loose, or the father would get them up from their seats unbidden. Surprisingly, she held out, and as the flight attendants were clearly lobbying the pilot to turn off the seat belt light ASAFP, they made it to the bathroom without either incident or accident.

“My insulin!”

Remmeber the startle factor, though, of waking up and finding a rat walking across you, in a place where one doesn’t normally find a rat.

32

I was on a flight from Barcelona to Boston. Across the aisle from me was a morbidly obese woman, traveling with her mother. This woman never stopped eating and talking, simultaneously, throughout the entire flight . . . even reading an entire newspaper to her mother. And she kept dropping her trash on the floor around her . . . so the entire area was constantly littered with food wrappers, candy wrappers, empty bottles and cups, half-eaten food, newspapers, magazines, etc. Even after meals, she would just discard each used item onto the floor. The flight attendants were constantly coming by to pick up after her.

When the plane finally landed, I overheard the woman complain about the lazy flight attendants who couldn’t keep the place clean.

33

In September, my husband and I took a transatlantic trip. On the way back, across the aisle from us was a family… I can’t quite nail who/what they were, but they were Arabs (the women were in drapey metallic kaftans, etc), and they were trashy. They didn’t actually have money but wanted to pretend they did.

Anyway–after doing all of the usual pretentious-asshole type stuff, like fussing over their meals, calling the stewardess repeatedly, and getting in and out of their seats constantly, the real bombshell came in the final hour of the flight.

The mother and teenage daughter got out their cosmetics cases, and began to make themselves up. I mean, they were doing TREMENDOUS makeup jobs. Drag makeup caliber jobs, with glittery eyeshadow up to their eyebrows, hot-pink lipstick well outside the borders of their lips, perfume, ropes and ropes of plastic pearl necklaces, and the mother put on A TIARA. Fcs, I swear, she put on a tiara. A plastic tiara with rhinestones.

The stewardesses finally made her quit when she began to paint her fingernails–they said the polish was a flammable liquid and not allowed. Too bad. We were enjoying the show.

34

I was on a flight from Dulles to Munich. It was on United, and they have a channel on the entertainment system where you can listen to the pilot’s radio frequency. We took off and were heading northeast. Normally, the plane would climb to higher altitudes and faster speeds, but the controller was keeping us low and slow for a little while. He said he didn’t have a slot for us to merge into the trans-Atlantic traffic flow yet. Our pilot’s reply: “You want me to come back to the airport and shoot some touch-and-go’s for practice?”

That headset channel is great. There was another time the pilot got lost while taxiing from the gate to the runway at O’Hare.

35

I just remembered this one. Not exactly on a plane, but…

I was waiting to leave from San Jose (SJC, not SJO), back when it was much smaller than it is today. There was a kid playing a video game right around the corner from the agent’s desk at the gate. The kid is obviously having a good game.
The agent calls for the plane to be boarded, and the kid’s parents say “Let’s go.”
Kid says “Not yet” and continues playing.
<5 minutes pass>
Agent calls for everyone to be on board.
Parent’s say “Let’s GO!”
Kid says “Almost done!”
<5 more minutes pass>
Agent announces last call.
Parent’s say “If you don’t come, we’re going without you.”
Kid says “Hold, on, I’m almost finished.”
Parents board the plane.
<2 minutes pass>
Agent closes the ramp door.
I look out the window, and the ground crew is pushing back the stairs.
Kid continues to play.
I watch.
<1 minute passes>
Kid finally finishes, comes around the corner, sees no parents and the gate door closed.
Kid looks at me and says “I can’t believe they actually left me!”
Agent calls the ground crew, they push the stairs back, and open the door, and he runs onto the plane.

I suspect he listens to his parents now.

36

Sorry, the business and first class overhead bins are for that class only, he should have placed his carry on in the proper class bins. Usually the stewardeses are much better at diverting them from placing cattle class carry ons in business and first class bins.

She was as much of a jackass as he was. He simply was too lazy to lug his bag to his seating area.

37

I recently had a layover in Salt Lake while en route to Oakland. The SLC airport is laid out so that you have to walk to your plane through a tunnel. Mine was at the very end of the tunnel, where the path split in two. There was a plane at the end of each path, right next to each other, with no signs stating which plane was going where. Rather nervously, I followed the crowd to the left, but when I got on the plane, I made sure to confirm that we were, in fact, going to Oakland and that I hadn’t gotten on the wrong plane.

Me: Okay, whew.
Attendant: I have seen people get on the wrong plane, though. Recently, we arrived in San Francisco and one guy looked outside and said “this isn’t Las Vegas!”
Me: How could he not realize that once the plane was going and the pilot made announcements?
Attendant: He said he thought all of the announcements were a joke.

Because nothing says funny like the pilot joking about the destination, apparently.

38

My wife and I had (what she thought was) a near death experience flying out of Tallahassee. About a minute after the plane left the ground the engines got quieter, the plane stopped climbing, and we banked hard towards the gulf. My wife was digging her fingernails into my arm while I, in my sometimes too logical mind, was thinking, “Well, we can’t be too far off the ground, we aren’t that far from the airport, we could always ditch into the water . . .” After we landed with all the firetrucks sitting next to the runway in case any flaming aluminum landed, the pilot told us what happened. Some geese had hit the cockpit window and they wanted to play it safe and check it out. As he said, “We would rather find out the window was damaged now than wait until we were at 30,000 feet.”

39

I was coming back from an exhausting 3-day sales meeting (I was the event coordinator) and was waiting to fly from FLA to BOS. I was chatting with the businessman in my row, waiting for takeoff, when the co-pilot announced that due to the storming in the area they were going to make a rather steep ascent to shoot the plane up above the turbulence and give us a much smoother overall flight.

The businessman and I were both pretty seasoned travellers, so we didn’t think much of it and chatted along quietly as we started to make our initial ascent.

Steep was an understatement, as both the businessman and I ended up gripping our armrests as we felt our bodies leaning backwards to a 45 degree angle. Everyone on board had fallen silent, just waiting for the jolt of turbulence and to break through the clouds so we could level out and all relax.

Then the small, high voice of the 4-year-old in the back of the plane went, “WHEEEEEEEEEEEEE!”

Evidently, his parents had prepared him by telling him the ascent was going to feel like a ride at Disneyworld.

It was just the tension-breaker we all needed.

40

When I was in the Air Force, a friend of mine had to brief a general. We were in Albuquerque and the General was in Colorado Springs. To get there you had to first fly to Denver, then take a puddle jumper to the Springs. The hop from Denver to the Springs is about 20 minutes, very low level. In the summer, thermals cause a huge amount of turbulence that close to the mountains. My buddy was coming back home and was still in uniform–Lt Col, sitting next to a little old lady.

They hit really big time turbulence so the little old lady looks at my buddy for assurance, “Will we be alright?” he answers, “Ma’am, I just don’t know”