Dude, the title made me think the SDMB was first in discovering a new venereal disease. Glad it isn’t so.
Welcome, knickel.
I’m going to tell everyone I know, too. Hope you don’t mind! 
By the way, thanks for making my day just look a whole helluva lot better.
I can only but sympathize. And remember two oddly similar past events in my own career.
A couple years ago I felt an odd tickling sensation in that same anatomic region. This led to discovery of a salamander in my underwear. Now, I garden a lot, but that incident still puzzles me (granted, in Texas there are far worse things that can migrate up into your jockey shorts, but still…).
And years back in college, I was letting my guinea pig graze on the lawn outside the dorm, when something spooked it and it ran up my pants leg. Far up my pants leg. I was obliged to limp back to my room, sporting a large squirming crotch bulge (to the undoubted bemusement of several female classmates who were sunning themselves nearby), in order to extricate the panicky rodent.
At least the critter didn’t climb inside to seek better refuge.
This was beautifully written and absolutely hilarious. Sorry, knickel13, I couldn’t help but laugh. Good thing I wasn’t drinking anything at the time.
“Hey man! A black widow just bit my dong! You’ll have to suck the poison out!”
“Dang, TwoTrouts, looks like you’re gonna die!”
knickel13, I’m a woman with two little brothers myself, and you actually had me laughing out loud at my computer. Hell, yes, I’m going to tell this story to three of my closest friends, one female and two male. I’ll let you know who laughs loudest. I’ll be telling TwoTrouts’ story, too.
Welcome aboard, thanks for the laugh, and please, stick around, especially if you’ve got more stories like that.
Me, I’ve never suffered grievous bodily harm by threat of spider, but I can tell you a story about an old boyfriend of mine. You see, he had a life-sized model of a face hugger from the movie Alien. He also had a four-year-old niece who was terrified of it, calling it “the spider”. Now, the lad used to work nights and sleep during the day. One day, his niece decided she wanted to play with him, but he just wanted to sleep, so he seized on a brilliant plan. He took the face hugger, put it on his face, and tried to go back to sleep. Unfortunately, he underestimated his niece. She got a baseball bat from the room next door and went to her uncle’s defense by whacking the evil face hugger which was attacking her beloved uncle. Unfortunately, the face hugger was still on his face. :eek: After the pain subsided and he realized nothing was broken, he was rather impressed.
CJ
I’m sorry for your pain, but this is gotta be one of the best tales I’ve read in awhile.
Sadly I was in class when I read it and had to hide behind the computer to prevent everyone from staring at me…
That brave little lass! How sweet.
Whew! For a moment there, I thought this was about to devolve into another political argument…
Now, there’s a porn movie waiting to happen.
Look on the bright side: it could have been a genetically modified spider. Had it bit you, you’d be able to shoot webbing and swing around the city HANDS FREE!
An addendum for those who wish to know more: as far as I can tell, the spider managed to escape. He wasn’t on either my shorts or the coffee cup. The tricky bastard managed to make me smash myself in the balls without being injured. He’s probably telling all his insect and arachnid buddies “Hey, crawl on this guy. You can get him to hit himself really easily, and you can still get away. Try it yourself.”
Tomorrow he’ll or one of his buddies will probably return. But this time, I shall be ready. Whatever small creature that dares to profane my flesh with their disgusting endoskeleton will be met by the Supreme Vorpal Kleenex of Divine Wrath, and transferred to the Ultimate Waste Basket of Containment.
For those of you who are wondering about the condition of my balls, they seemed to have suffered no permanent damage, though they are still sore.
Now you’re starting to worry me. Especially since no one else actually saw the alleged arachnid.
1.) I am so glad I don’t yet have downstairs neighbors.
2.) My dog is still nervous about my maniacal fit of giggles.
3.) I hope your poor crotch feels better soon
4.)Welcome! I too hope you sign up and that we can see more writings such as the OP.
This reminds me of a time my husband and I were golfing. We were cruising to the next hole in the cart (luckily, me driving). I glanced over and said, “Oh!” He had this teeny caterpillar crawling on his shirt. He interpreted my exclamation a little more forcefully than I had intended and leapt out of the cart, stumbled, fell down and ripped off his shirt. It all happened in like 2 seconds. It was hysterical.
knickel13, you’re lucky it wasn’t one of those fish that swims up your penis. Those things you need to watch out for.
One time, my wife were in flagrante derelicto in the manner proscribed by tha padres and such, right in the middle of the day (woohoo!). A spider on the ceiling came down using a self-generated strand of web (what do you call that?) and landed right on my back. My wife happened to see it and just as I felt a tickling sensation on my back, she yelled SPIDER! I disengaged and brush him off me, going EW! EW! EW! :eek:
Once with my ex and I like that, one of our cats jumped on me, curled up in the small of my back and would have gone to sleep if I hadn’t started laughing too hard to carry on with the gentle rocking motion.
Thats one of the best in a long while. Good work chief.
Reminds me of my mate Danny, who worked with big plate steel sheets, helping lower them down on to the stacks for transport. Now, he obviously needs both hands for this while performing the required action, but one day, a large Spider decides to descend on its webstring a couple of centimetres from his face.
Disconcerted, what does he do?
He blows it away
Of course whats it going to do? It swang back and forth bouncing off his face, and all the while he’s lowering this sheet steel, he can’t do fuck all about it, except maybe, I don’t know, eat it or summat. He said he was screaming. I laughed.
If he’d have left it, it wouldn’t have touched him.
Any story of a man hitting himself in the crotch with a coffee cup gets my vote!
What a visual.
My mother has a story about my dad. My dad used to have a lighter he was very proud of. He liked to tinker with it. He would clean it and refill it and generally putz with it. He was also somewhat of a nudist.
One night he was naked and playing with the lighter. He lit it. The problem was he had spilled a bit of fluid in his lap. Apparently his whole crotch went up in flames. He didn’t hurt himself, but all the hair was gone.
It was weeks before mom could look at him without giggling, which really pissed him off. He was furious at her for days for laughing. Even now 35 years later she still gets the giggles when she thinks of it.
Thanks for all the laughs guys! This is one of the best threads I’ve read in a while. Especially this little anectdote:
I can totally envision a grown man flailing out of a golf cart while ripping off his shirt. Priceless.