GAH! It's jellycrotch!

Ok, store-clerk-slacker has been bugging me to post this all month, so here goes:

The first week of July, we drove to Florida to visit my mom and her new husband, who live in the Ft Walton Beach area. Slacker had never seen the sea before and her 14-year-old daughter, slack-kid, had never even been out of the state of Missouri. We even let slack-kid bring a friend so she wouldn’t be totally bored around four adults all week long.

Of the four of us, I’m the only one who’s been in open water and had no reservations about swimming with whatever may be in the water. Slacker was extremely nervous about being in the ocean and swimming with things that may want to bite her. Slack-kid and friend had some of that nervousness rub off on them.

So we’re at Navarre Beach, we’re all in the water except for my mom, who’s lounging on the sand under an umbrella. I’m snorkelling around when slack-kid gets my attention and tells me she’s seen a jellyfish. I look at the warning flags on the beach. The flags are green, so everything must be fine. Five minutes later, slack-kid’s friend tells me the same thing. I rely on my vast knowledge of sealife from having seen Finding Nemo five times, and tell them to stop worrying; jellyfish travel in schools. I turn to slacker to reassure her, but in the time it took me to turn my head from the girls to where slacker used to be swimming, she had left the water, gone onto the beach with my mom, popped open a can of Sprite, ordered a pizza, baked a pie, and built a sand castle replica of the Taj Mahal.

My mask starts to get a little foggy, so I stand up to spit in it again and when I take my mask off, I see something that I didn’t recognize. At first I thought it was some trash that got dumped in the water, so I took a step towards it when I notice this round red-striped thing about the size of my fist had tentacles. Then, slowly, my brain processes the information and realizes that the girls had seen a jellyfish, and I was two feet from it right now.

I stop where I am and look around for others. Sure, I’d seen Finding Nemo five times, but the jellyfish in that documentary weren’t red-striped on the top. I didn’t know if this thing was dangerous or not and I didn’t want to walk into any others in case they were. I’d seen what a man-of-war can do to people, and I didn’t want to find out what these little buggers can do. I tell the girls to get out of the water and I slooooooowly wade in, keeping my eyes peeled in case this turns into a sea-creature version of The Birds.

On the beach, I tell my mom about having seen the jellyfish. My mom starts telling stories about growing up in LA and how they would catch jellyfish on the beach and poke at them with sticks and stuff. Not to be out-manlied by my mother, I start goading her to get into the water with me to have a look at the jellyfish. I hand her one of the little nets and I wade in first to show her where I saw the jellyfish. I get out about 10-12 feet and I thought I felt something go up my swimming trunk leg. I squat down in the water and feel around in my trunks to get out anything that’s not attached. Then I felt an irritation on the inside of my thigh, at first I thought it was sand in my trunks. Next thing I know, it’s not just an irritation: it’s a burning sensation. Then it’s not just a burning sensation, it’s a searing pain. Then it’s not just a searing pain, the inside of my thigh is a full-fledged inferno underwater.

Now I’m going deeper into the water so I can take my trunks off, cuz there’s something up my shorts and it doesn’t seem to like me very much. A little panic starts to set in as it dawns on me that whatever is hurting me is only two inches from my BALLS.

That’s when I decide it’s time to get out of the water. Let my mom look for the jellyfish on her own. After all, she grew up on the beaches of southern California, she can handle the Gulf of Mexico. I tried to tough it out for about 15 minutes on the beach before wimping out and going home, where I found a nice 3 inch long welt where the evil jellyfish had made a grab for my manberries.

Slacker found all of this hilarious, and in response to me making fun of her sun burn by calling her LL Cool J (for Lobster Lady Cool Jen) she has dubbed me “Jellycrotch”.

See, this is why only land animal saw fit to develop external genetalia. Seriously, have you ever seen a fish with a nutsac?

Well, I was dangerously close to seeing a jellyfish with mine, does that count?

So having been warned about this thing and moved away from it,you then return to it.Being WHERE THE JELLYFISH IS,you then feel something and flap about at your balls…

Perhaps that’s why the jellyfish thought you were attacking it…
:smiley:

I would just like to say that I was not anywhere in the area during this incident and I only go after the toes anyway. Jeez… :rolleyes:

Now back to eating peanut butter.

Firstly, I would like to apologize for the fact that I am shaking with laughter over your misfortune. I, of course, wish it hadn’t happened, but it is in human nature to laugh at another’s suffering. :smiley:

Second, something similar happened to a friend of mine a few years ago, only it wasn’t a jellyfish–it was a brown recluse spider. Roughly two inches from the family jewels. What makes his story so amusing is the fact that his ensuing trip to the hospital prevented him from coming with the rest of us to see Spider-Man on opening night.

Hah! Definitely not somewhere you want to receive the proportionate properties of a spider.

I’m pretty sure you’re supposed to pee on jellyfish stings to take away the burn (something to do with the ammonia).

Maybe the jellyfish was just trying to make it more convenient for you?

That’s not what I heard at all. I heard you need a hot chick from Southeastern Michigan to kiss it and make it all better.

[Looking around nervously]
I guess now I’ll see if the fiancee was serious when she said she didn’t mind me flirting on the boards
[/Looking around nervously]

CrunchFrog, I think the jellyfish was trying to mate with you.

:dubious:

Don’t forget to take the camera. :wink:

That was funny.

Sorry about your manberries though. I think I heard that meat tenderizer is also good for jellyfish stings.

Then again, I guess your meat was tenderized enough.

And people wonder why I hate the beach…

I was very near a medusa on Saturday, while diving in shallow water off the southern point of the bay. It looked to be about nine inches in diameter, and had a frully underside. Its tentacles were rather short. No worries about being stung; only a little bit of my face was exposed between my mask and my regulator. The rest of me was covered by a drysuit, hood and gloves.

Shayna, Spiny Norman, Scotticher and I went to the Long Beach Aquarium last year. (Who else was there? Grace? Phouka?) The Aquarium has a nice collection of jellies. I always hated them when I was a kid in San Diego, since jellies on the beach meant no swimming; but observing them in the tanks (and indeed, in the open ocean while diving) they are fascinating. The bioluminescence exhibited by some of them is hypnotic.

Upon seeing a small, clear jelly in Victoria, BC a couple of years ago, a friend of mine promised to urinate on my if I ever got stung.

Are you sure this isn’t just your excuse for getting hurt in the interests of zoophilia a la the guy and the dolphin years ago?

From the above:

The Times, December 13th, 1991

“NO EXCUSE FOR DOLPHIN SEX ACT”
An Animal rights campaigner accused of outraging public decency
by committing an obscene act with a dolphin might have done so
to persuade the animal to prefer him to other swimmers, a court
was told yesterday.

David Wood for the prosecution, told Newcastle upon Tyne crown
court, that Alan Cooper, aged 38, might have performed the act
on Freddie, a 12ft. bottle-nose dolphin, because there was a great
deal of competition to swim with the dolphin.

When Mr. Cooper saw a boatload of people approaching, Including
Peter Bloom, curator of a dolphinarium, who he particularly
disliked, “it may have been tempting to do something which he
knew the dolphin would like,” Mr. Wood Said. However, the reason
for Mr. Cooper’s action was irrelevant and he had outraged the
boat passengers by going way beyond decent behaviour.

Mr. Cooper, of Gorton, Manchester, denies outraging public decency
by masturbating the dolphin off Amble, Northumberland.

Tony Jennings, for Mr. Cooper, said that Mr. Bloom, who prompted
the complaints, was a sworn enemy of his client. He said Mr.
Bloom had the audacity to condemn Mr. Cooper for the alleged
sexual act, yet he had trained dolphins to jump out of the water
and remove a bikini top from a woman swimmer for a film sequence.

Yep, web slinging from the man tool would probably ensure an NC-17 rating. And, judging from toilet seats I’ve seen, it probably wouldn’t help his aim. It would, however, make a nice tie-in to Spiderman’s alter ego name.

Is that supposed to be an oxymoron?

I’m guessing you haven’t seen a picture of little*bit.

I would step up to defend the honor of my virtual wife, but I don’t know if we’ve been virtually divorced or not. Can we get a virtual ruling on this?