This something that friends & I have remarked upon, and I think even gay comedians have joked about it. I’m emblematic myself - around the time I came out, I started using “Christian” instead of “Chris.” And every damn gay boy I knew at the time used a full name: I remember being in a room of six and being the only one not named Michael.
My theory? For at least some gay men, the short forms of their names have a butchness quotient that can feel really artificial. I suspect this is especially true in the U.S., where nicknames are associated with masculinity. “Mike” symbolizes a guy who plays team sports, has girlfriends, etc. - all of which a gay boy may fake for a while. “Michael” can seem like a relief.
This may be fading for younger people, though. As more kids come out in high school (and live to tell of it) they may feel less of a disconnect between their names and themselves. Even my choice didn’t have much to do with coming out - I was losing patience with my records getting confused with other
Chris [Very Common Lastname]s, some of them female.
Not that any of the above makes for more than the plural of anecdote, but still…
I wonder if there’s any relationship with whether the gay man feels a male or female gender identity. Could it be that the men with a female gender identity are more prone to shun diminutives? I ask this because I’ve also noticed that new mothers almost always use their baby’s full name - “This is my son Jonathan/Alexander/Stephen!” - whereas fathers are more prone to start calling the baby “Jon/Alex/Steve”.
I think that yes, it’s not about why gay men do things but it’s about why straight men don’t do things. There is a code among straight males and it’s probably more about the fact that male nicknames are traditionally handed out by other males as part of male bonding. That’s not as true as it was but I know that my Grandmothers called their sons Michael and Frederick their whole lives, even though in school they became Mike and Fred to everyone else. For a straight male to go back to the full name, especially as an act of familiarity or affection, would be seen as too motherly. Women and gay men can call people whatever strikes their fancy. It might seem unnatural to a straight man to call someone by their full name out of affection and friendship but that’s because straight male codes of behaviour are so entrenched that they aren’t even seen as restrictions or limitations. Most straight men have good instincts about avoiding any behaviour that might be seen as feminine or motherly and I think calling people by their full names is just one of those borderline things that straight males unconsciously avoid.
Without any formulation, an unscientific sampling of the gay guys I spoke with at a party Saturday night:
Glen -30s
James - 30s
Matt - 20s
Mini-Me - 30s (aka Mike)
Charlie - 30s
Tommy - 20s
Dean - 30s
Gerald - 34
Tony - 30s
Craig - 23
Tommy Red - 30s
Burger King Mike - 28
Phil - 30s
John The Banker - 40s
Tommy & Timmy - 30s
Tess - older than dirt (aka Tommy)
Hank - slightly less older than dirt
Peter - 31
Sean - 30s
Scott - 30s
Esther - 20s
Anthony - 20s
Bob - 30s
Ricky & Will - 20s
Robert – 34
Stephen - 33
28
Go by the Diminutive – 12
Shunners of Truncation: 6
Use a Nickname: 5
Disqualified / Can’t Be Shortened: 5
On that one particular night, it’s the adverse to the theory by a 2:1 margin. This was in the suburbs though. Perhaps it’s more of an urban phenomenon.
Hijack: With the exception of 4 guys, my waddle theory held out…and only 2 of them had a visible Adam’s Apple.
It’s a good thing their parents knew they were gay when they named all these guys Duane. Probably it’s something that shows up on the ultrasound, so they already know they need a gay name before the kid’s even born.
I don’t know many gay guys, but the two I can think of offhand go by Gary and Jef. I honestly never thought that gays tended to use formal names, though I have noticed it among black people, especially with respect to James/Jim. I have never known of a black man who went by Jim, and wondered if this has something to do with Jim in Huckleberry Finn, or with Jim Crow.
But just going by Charles or James or Robert or whatever doesn’t seem like a gay trait, to me.
Funny you should say that - I happen to know an older black man who goes by Jim! I used to work with a younger black guy who went by J.J., and he never told me what his name actually was. The black roommate I had severaly years ago was named Quinton, but I called him “Q” (though we were both into hip-hop, so that had something to do with the nickname). And I know a fellow bass player who is black, and he goes by … Michael.
I do not go by a shortened name because you can’t diminutize my name, because people think it’s already diminutized: Barry (Out here in California it’s rare enough people can never spell it right and some thing it’s a short form for something else).
Anyway, i call my friends by how they introduce themselves ( i am a gay man if you hadn’t garnered that already). Although i do vacilate between Ken and Kenneth for my friend Kenneth. Bill has always gone by Bill, never William. We do call Gabriel Gabe. Both Michaels are called Mikey. Chris was never called Christopher. We did however call Philip, Philip because Phil sounds like a middle aged white guy. Danny we always call Danny. Stanley goes by Stan. My friend Frank goes by Frank, but that’s his given name. Rich goes by Rich, not Richard (funny thing, his parents are democrats and his last name is Nixon: Richard Nixon is his full name). Steve goes by Steve, not Steven. Girolamo goes by Jerry or rarely Giro, mostly because no one says his name correctly (It’s Italian). Dan goes by Dan, not Daniel. Finally, Doug doesn’t go by Douglas, ever.
Yes, every single one of the guys mentioned is gay.
So anyway only about one of my friends goes by his full given name all of the time. One goes back and forth, but everyone else either has a name you can’t traditionally diminutize, or they go by a shortened form of their name.
Hmm… I now notice that I tend to call a lot of people, like my 2nd closest rung of friends, by their first and last name. And then some in my closest circle by both also. What does this say about me?
Most of my male friends gay and straight, most in their mid to late 20s go by their full names.
Rick changed his back to Richard because it’s more professional… but all his friends still call him Rick.
Very few people get to call William Will, one of them being his wife.
Gavon doesn’ t have any good nicknames.
Cameron shortens to Cam but is more likely to be called Cambot.
James has never gone by Jimmy.
Peter doesn’t like Pete…
I can go on…
It seems to me that my friends want to be seen as professional adults in this very strange age bracket (too young to take over, to old to ignore… to steal a quote from A Chorus Line)
I, female, have NEVER gone by my full name (Nicole) and most people have shortened it to Nic. I tell people my name is Niki and within a few days they are calling me Nic.
I’m not gay, and I don’t like having my name (James) dimunitized (criminy, that even a word?). Jimmy makes me twitch, Jim is my dad… nobody ever goes for Jamie, which I wouldn’t mind, actually.
I also don’t like dimunitizing (hell, it is NOW) people’s names (IRL - I do it all the time with online nicks). I can think of three exceptions - my ex-girlfriend (who I met online), my friend Beth (who I simply cannot think of as Elizabeth - I never knew her as Elizabeth, or even Liz…always Beth), and a customer named Terry (‘Ter’) - who I think I shorten to differentiate between him and my buddy Terry in my mind.
I even un-dimunitize names when everyone else calls them by dimunitized forms (at work everyone calls my boss Johnny, I call him John, and the part-timer’s Scotty to everyone but me…).
I’ve noticed that girlfriends often do this too: call their boyfriend by their full name. some of them do it, I think, because not everybody does, and it sounds classier than calling them “pookie-face.”
I have never met a person with my short name that I liked…they are all guys who like to light beer farts. But I have a few friends who have the same name who also hate to be called by the diminutived version.
As an aside, I used to work for an organization that had a lot to do with Elizabeth Taylor. Despite the press calling her Liz, if you want to piss her off and really get on her bad side, go ahead and call her “Liz”…she hates it. It is always Elizabeth. Anybody who says they are friends with “Liz” is a liar. (Ever hear Michael Jackson call her “Liz”?)
My friends & I have noticed it enough to remark on it too. In our experience it’s often the more “gay” gay guys that prefer the long version, and the more “straight” gay guys that go with the nicks. Often doesn’t mean always of course. But we’ve definitely noticed and I would go so far as to say if, in an informal social situation a guy introduces himself to me with his long version name, it’s a definite ping on the gaydar signaling closer scrutiny.
Myself, I use full names & nicknames as a sort of English version of the formal/informal pronouns used in lots of other languages, like the french Vous/tu, German Sie/du, Russian Vy/ty, etc. So if I’m friends with someone and their name is Michael, I’m calling them Mike and if they don’t like Mike, then they’re getting some other nickname. Calling them Michael is like calling them Mr. or sir and seems inappropriate to use with a friend.
I’ve never noticed if lesbians care about diminutives or not, although most I know seem to go by nicknames.
I know very few gay guys, to be honest, but I do know rather a lot of lesbians. They all use a diminutive if it’s possible, myself included, though we all have nicknames which we use more often than real names anyway. The long forms of the names seem too girly (I am femme, but I am not a girly ‘Samantha’).
I guess the reverse could be why some gay men prefer the full version of the name (as the diminutives are too butch), though others’ anecdotal evidence doesn’t seem to support that.