Gay Doper DMark Discovers He Was Married And Had Child?

Applying for a home equity line of credit for some major dental work for my male lover of 23 years, I was more than a bit surprised when the loan officer called me today and told me there is a lien on my house from my ex-wife for alimony and child support.

Trust me, I have never been married and have never had sex that could result in childbirth.

Now I have to go through hoops to prove this.

I have no idea how long this lien has been on my house.

Imagine if something had happened to me and, after my death, some yahoo lawyer would show up with a sheaf of papers demanding proceeds from the sale of the house?

Oddly, none of this showed up on my credit report.

I do have a very common first and last name, but still – how annoying is it that someone can just arbitrarily slap their name on a lien on my house without even having to verify that I am the person they are looking for? Yet, I now have to do the crap work and prove they are full of it.

Wow. So did you find out who your supposed ex-wife IS? Maybe she’s just confused…

See, I TOLD you change was possible! Praise the Lord!

[sub]relax, I’m joking[/sub]



“Is Steven there?”

“This is he.”

“Hi Steven, this is dad.”

:eek: :eek: :eek:

My dad died ten years ago.

“Excuse me?”

“This is dad.”


“Is this Steven LASTNAME?”


“Steven Paul LASTNAME?”

“No. I’m Steven Michael LASTNAME.”

The worst part is I should probably have gone ahead and capitalized on this opportunity to find out about Steven Paul LASTNAME because he’s probably the same Steven P. LASTNAME bastard who defaulted on his payments for his Ford Ranger. How do I know this? Because for damn near every morning for six months or so and his creditors were harassing us a while back. They would usually call after I had gone to work and my wife was going nuts because they wouldn’t take her word for it that I wasn’t the guy they were looking for. They got belligerant and I finally had to catch the phone one day when I had a day off and bawl out about four layers of “customer service representatives” before they stopped calling… for about a week. Finally looked the creditor up and then verbally excoriated about six layers of “customer service representatives” before being told

“We can’t just delete your number from this account, the system forces us to have some number for it.”

“Well that isn’t really my problem is it?”

“No sir, but I can’t take your number off without Mr. LASTNAME’s correct number to put in. If you could just give us that we’ll never call you again.”

“Firstly, I don’t have his number. Secondly, you’re not going to find the guy you’re looking for at this number so having it blank isn’t really much of a step backwards.”

“But I can’t just leave it blank!”

“Then put your number in it! Put random numbers in it! I don’t care, but don’t call this house ever again!”

Still probably wouldn’t have done much good. Both the lender and his own DAD don’t know where to find him, plus after the crap we had to go through to get the credit agency to get off our backs I’m not interested in doing freelance detective work for them.

Arggh. Sometimes it makes me want to go off the grid entirely.


Were those the exact words you used in front of the loan officer? Because, that would’ve been hilarious.

Is that what they’re calling it nowadays? :wink:

Mazel tov on the child! What’s her name?

Sorry to hear about your problem. :frowning: Paperwork hassles are the worst.

One solution is: change your legal name to something more exotic. How about Waraporn Sukarnoputri? Or Ramakrishnachandarji Ganapatidevadasa (Prabhupada Bhaktivedanta would also work, although it might attract the ire of the International Society of Krishna Consciousness)? Muhammad Abdul-aziz Al-Zarqawi will get people off your back in a flash. :slight_smile: Yechezqiyahu Achashverosh could be a blast too.

I wish you speedy and successful and painless resolution to the issue!


You lying SOB! What do you MEAN you never had a wife! I have our marriage certificate right here!
Dmark Jr asked me today about his Daddy! What could I tell him-it breaks my heart!


Why don’t you pay the child support, bond with the kid for a while, and then break the joke on April Fool’s day. Everyone while get a big laugh out of that. If the mother is supicious that you are not the person she slept with, just tell her that you have been working out and got a haircut. Works every time.

Oh man, I’m sorry to hear about the lien on your house. We’re going through something similar here at Chez Del, where Mr. Del happens to have the same first name and a last name different by only one letter of a previous occupant, who apparently ran up tens of thousands of dollars of credit card debt. He hasn’t allegedly fathered any children though, so you’ve got us beat there!

Can’t you like, fly out and visit this supposed ex-wife and sock her with a lein of your own–the plane tickets?

Hell, I’d sock that credit reporting company with a couple of bills for lost wages and emotional suffering. That crock-‘o’-shit company needs a wakeup call.

Thankfully, I’ve only been harassed by “NO CALLER ID” calls at 4:40AM.

You lying bastard! I have proof you’re married! Here’s your bride on the wedding night!

Here’s your daddy and your kinfolk on the wedding day. They’d be mighty ashamed of you not stepping up to your responsibilities to your children who have to make ends meet by being migrant farmworkers. Her brothers are ready to kick your worthless ass!

Well…since I heard the news, I told my co-workers, and I think they are all still laughing.

Then I told my 81 year old aunt, and I think she is still laughing.

And I see all my fellow Dopers are getting a good chuckle as well…

I guess the good news is that if I ever have to go to court and the judge asks if I have any proof that I was not once married to said woman, nor the father of said child, the howls of laughter in the courtroom ought to settle the matter rather quickly.

My best friend, who is lesbian and in a 20 year committed relationship, “acquired” a family through credit card snafus also.

First we had daughter Veronica Friendslastname who actually purchased diamond earrings on her “mom’s” card. And as soon as my friend squashed Veronica and got her card back in order, up popped husband Henry Friendslastname.

Everything eventually got straightened out and my friend lost no money. It apparently was a numbers problem with the card company and not a case of identity theft.

We laughed a lot too…still do in fact…

…soooo…how are Veronica and Henry these days?


You can’t prove a negative, so it’s clearly time to take responsibility for your estranged offspring.


Just show them your notarized and numbered copy of the Agenda you were given at your first Gay Meeting.

:eek: :confused: I never got one of those. Never even heard about the meetings. sigh

Sure you haven’t, chaoticdonkey. I’m a hetero male and even I know about the Agenda and Meetings. I think you’re just angling for another toaster.

How the heck are you going to accumulate enough conversions to earn a toaster, then? Geesh!

Damn it, Doctor Jackson! :stuck_out_tongue:

Sorry to hear about your problems DMark. Sucks to have to jump through loopholes for anything, much less something this important.

But DAMN! Its funny.

(I believe, if you lost you copy of the Gay Agenda (or missed the meetings - shame on you) the warrenty card from your toaster will work in a pinch).