You’re going to go through a lot of guys before you find a keeper. it stinks, but that’s just the way these things work. On the other hand, you can have a lot of fun on the way. If you can’t be with Mr. Right, ain’t nothing wrong with fooling around with Mr. Right Now.
Otto, I’m sorry you’re hurt.
The dating thing sucks, and it sucks for this reason: if it doesn’t work, and most of the time it doesn’t, there is no easy way out.
Seriously, what are the alternatives for a guy who just doesn’t want to go out with someone else a second time, for whatever reason?
[ul]
[li]Tell them as nicely as possible, making sure they know that they’re nice, handsome, funny, and that it’s not their fault, that you’re not interested?[/li][li]Go out with them again, in hopes that they’ll lose interest?[/li][li]Just don’t call?[/li][li]Feign interest, date someone who you’re not interested in, and dump them when someone else comes along?[/li][/ul]
Seriously, there’s no way to let someone down in this situation without hurting them. It seems to me that the guy you refer to made a couple of bad decisions (the bed thing) and then did his best to let you down as easily as possible. I’m sorry it hurts. But dating involves getting hurt, unless you’re incredibly lucky.
In the way of advice, the best thing I ever did was stop looking for a relationship. I just went out with guys I found interesting, stopped projecting all of my hopes and dreams onto them, had fun, and kept hanging out with them if we enjoyed each others’ company. And with no expectations, I went out on one particular date with a particular guy, found out we had a tremendous amount of fun together, and that was over two years’ worth of wonderful relationship ago.
In other words, give up. If you’re this hurt after a first date, it’s not the guy who let you down, it’s all the hopes and dreams and expectations you pinned on him before you even got to dessert. Nobody can live up to that.
Otto said, “Nice enough guy, unfortunately he fails two very important “relationship material” tests. He’s long-term unemployed and he’s mentally ill.”
Yeah! But does he SPARK??? Picky, picky, picky. 
Otto said, “Nice enough guy, unfortunately he fails two very important “relationship material” tests. He’s long-term unemployed and he’s mentally ill.”
Yeah! But does he SPARK??? Picky, picky, picky.
Otto said, “Nice enough guy, unfortunately he fails two very important “relationship material” tests. He’s long-term unemployed and he’s mentally ill.”
Yeah! But does he SPARK??? Picky, picky, picky.
Otto said, “Nice enough guy, unfortunately he fails two very important “relationship material” tests. He’s long-term unemployed and he’s mentally ill.”
Yeah! But does he SPARK??? Picky, picky, picky.
I sense Kalhoun is wondering if there was any spark…
Oddly, there was upon first meeting. He’s attractive and we share common interests and I was definitely interested in seeing him again and in fact did see him again. It was on the second date (at about the same time he asked me to cash his government check for him!) that I discovered the relationship-killers.
Well, one thing he shouldn’t do is call up and make a second date which this guy did, for last night. I got home after work and he’d left me a message to call beforehand, which is when I got the sparkly friends speech. Maybe I should have mentioned that part before.
It’s not this guy in particular. He’s just the latest in a too-long string of guys who have pulled the same bullshit. But at least the others had the decency (if you can call it that) of not making the next date.
Maybe it’s time for a break, then?
Take a little time off of dating, however long you want to. Hang out with friends, take time to yourself. Remember who you are when you’re by yourself, do stuff that you want to do. Give the whole dating thing a rest.
It sounds like you’re rubbed pretty raw by all the emotions that go on in a dating context. And it’s not surprising, really. Dating is hell.
Go on a sabbattical. Declare a truce with your love life, with a promise to get back into the fray when you’re damned good and ready. And spend a while making yourself feel good, making yourself happy.
But I have another first date on Thursday…and I just know that he’s going to be perfect!
Good idea, but I don’t think I’m allowed to “make myself feel good” at work.
Actually, Otto…I was just kidding. I’ve dated out of a polluted dating pool and it ain’t much fun. The mentally ill part is exhausting, draining, and unfulfilling. I agree with Mr. Visible. Give the dating scene a rest.
There’s always the stalls in the restrooms for that…
I hope you have a great date on Thursday. Just keep in mind that, if it doesn’t work out, you can take a vacation from the whole dating thing for a while.
Honestly, one of the best decisions I ever made was to give up on relationships. Once I did that, I learned a lot about how I really wanted to live my life, selfishly, for me. I found out what I liked to do, what makes me happiest, without the assumption that someday I’ll have to change my life to accommodate a partner.
And then, my boyfriend showed up, and he liked my life, and the weird tastes I’d developed, and I loved the way he lived his life too. And we had tons of fun together. Strangely enough, the lives we’d both built to keep ourselves happy dovetailed neatly into one big joyous life, without either of us having to do much of anything.
If I’d been asked to describe my perfect boyfriend back when I was looking for one, he wouldn’t have been much like my boyfriend is. But I’ve never even imagined that someone else could make me as happy as he does.
The moral of the story? Live you life, live it well, live it so that you’re happy with yourself. People who are happy with themselves have a much better chance of finding someone else to be happy with. And if you don’t find someone, you’ll still be happy.
Otto, I can tell you from first-hand experience that this kind of thing isn’t unique to the gay dating scene. I’m a straight guy whose heard this same exact thing from most of the women I’ve dated lately. In fact, change a few pronouns here and there, and leave out the naked groping (see ** Miller’s** post above), and I could’ve posted the same rant.
Apparently, I have defective ‘spark’ sensors myself. Like you, there have been times when I certainly thought we had some mutual attraction going on only to find out that there was no ‘spark’. So, yeah, dating sucks in general. . . Right now, I’m following the advice Mr. Visible just gave. I’m not even going to attempt dating for a while as there’s only so much dissappointment I can handle. While I don’t have any great advice or even worn homilies to offer, I can extend the comfort of shared misery!
Having been in one relationship in my life, I am superbly unqualified to offer romantic advice of any kind. However, I feel compelled to do so, if only because my first attempt is working out so well.
Have you tried making friends with people before you start dating them? I have no clue if this dynamic applies to gay relationships as well, but from what I’ve seen of my friends, relationships for the sake of relationships are volatile and can dissolve for no reason, while relationships for the sake of the other person are much more stable. Have you tried to simply meet people with common interests whose company you enjoy, and then drawn your dating pool from there?
Straight guy butting in. I’m no prude but you might think of cranking up the “no sex on the first date” to “no fondling” also. I know I feel more “spark” when I get strung along a little. True that sometimes one-nighters can lead to something else. If you are looking for more though, it might protect your feelings to play chaste(ish).
Aaah, what-the-hell-do-i-know…
Umm… not to be a clueless hetero type person, but why are you so surprised and bitter? I’m sure you’re a great guy and everything, but I thought this quick pick up and put down dating behavior was SOP for the gay male dating scene.
Take some “you” time off and work on your abs, and you’ve got to do something about those shoes.
Here are your Madison Matches
Yup, astro, the gay male dating scene is just like you imagined it. Exactly like every single movie you’ve seen about it.
In the same exact way that every straight relationship is like every romantic comedy, sitcom, or melodrama you’ve seen.
Though, of course, every date consists of two individuals looking to see how well they connect.
But generalizations are always so helpful.
I’m not gay, but I’ve been found lacking in ‘spark’ or ‘chemistry’ plenty of times by women.
Okay, I’m a girl, and a heterosexual one at that, but you’re describing what happens a lot.
I call it the “damned if you do, damned if you don’t” syndrome. Meaning that if you do, then they’ve gotten what they “really” wanted and move on. If you want to wait, then they’re like “oh, I’m not into a “serious” relationship” right now, and they move on.
It sucks.
As to the “no sparks” thing. You’re right in that you’re not going to know if the person is “The one” (so to speak) right off the bat, but speaking from experience, I certainly DO know when “it’s just NOT there and never will be”.
Thing is, I think a lot of men (though as I mentioned I have NO knowledge of the emotional makeup of gay men) just simply don’t care it “it’s” there, if they get to have sex.
Could this be what you’re running into? At any rate, I sure feel for you…I know it doesn’t help much, but a lot of us go through this sucky scenario, gay or straight.
Ooops, forgot to answer your last question. With my current relationship? I was friends with him for a couple of years before we started dating, but the minute we kissed, it was “just like in the movies”. Real “lightening bolt” kinda stuff.
So I guess the answer to your question in this case is “yes”. Most of the relationships I’ve had, there was a definite, what you could call a “spark”.
On the “no go’s” it was the same, there was as definite, what would you call it?, anti-matter spark?
Anyway, a “deadspace” like the opposite of a spark, something that said “no way in God’s green earth with this one”!
And yeah, there were a few that I tried to push past that first “nonspark” phase, but there was just nothing there.
I’m sorry I inferred that. I don’t know you very well and it was wrong to assume you’d put out on a first date. 
I recognize the dating mistakes I’ve made in the past and often somewhat generally apply them.
So I’ve heard. Just like the “it’s not you, it’s me” line from Seinfeld. I have known two people who have been dealt the Costanza break-up line, in earnest, when heading for a legal separation. One is a client, the other is a friend of Mrs. B.
I hope your date goes well.