If that’s supposed to be original to Seinfeld, somebody owes some of my exes a lot of money.
[QUOTE]
*Originally posted by MrVisible *
[ul]
[li]Tell them as nicely as possible, making sure they know that they’re nice, handsome, funny, and that it’s not their fault, that you’re not interested?[/li][li]Go out with them again, in hopes that they’ll lose interest?[/li][li]Just don’t call?[/li][li]Feign interest, date someone who you’re not interested in, and dump them when someone else comes along?[/ul][/li][/QUOTE]
[ul][li]"I’m sorry, I think I’m straight[/ul][/li]
Good point, MrVisible. I was unfortunately on the other side of this fence myself, which I never expected to be, and handled it abysmally (Sorry).
{{{Otto}}} I’ve nothing to say, just keep trying. (You almost convinced me to give it a go, but (1) I’m straight and (2) I’m in england, so maybe not :))
I totally would put out on a first date.
See, and I get that, and I don’t have a question with that. What I don’t get is how “handsome, funny, smart, fun to be with” possibly translates into “it’s just not there and never will be.” I mean, I would get it if I were deformed or a lout or drooled into my soup or whatever…
I seriously think the root cause of it all is the culture of instant gratification. We expect everything to be immediate in every area of our lives and that includes romance/relationships.
Errr…
Just out of curiosity, but are you of the opinion that this behavior is somehow unique to gay men? If so, let me assure you that, as a straight guy, I have had more than my share of women do this to me over the years and, I’m ashamed to say, have also done it to a few women as well. I’m not proud of the fact that I am hung up on physical appearance, but it’s true nonetheless, and “lack of spark” is simply a recognized code word for “I don’t find you attractive.” Somebody can be intelligent, interesting, funny, etc., and these are all the qualities people look for in a friend. Without sexual attraction, however, there’s really no point in pursuing a relationship that was only entered into in the hopes of finding an attractive partner.
In other words, if somebody goes out with you because they just want to be your friend, it would be callous and mean for them to “dump” you just because they aren’t attracted to you. If, on the other hand, somebody is going out with you because they are looking for somebody they are sexually attracted to (and really, isn’t that what a “committed relationship” is all about when you get right down to it?), then it is only natural for them to dump you if they don’t, in fact, feel sexually attracted.
Now, it was tempting for me to think that I could get away with feeling this way since men are, after all, supposed to be the ones who focus primarily on looks, but that no woman should treat me this way since women are supposed to be able to form attractions based on other things such as personality, intelligence, etc. Fortunately, I’m not that much of a hypocrite and came to understand that women are just as entitled to be shallow as I am. Soon after coming to that realization, of course, I met the woman of my dreams who accepted me for who I am and fell in love with me because of my personality, humor, and intelligence. Go figure.
Oh, and since this is the Pit, let me just close by saying:
Well yeah. And it’s also a good thing that your father wasn’t a gay man, because then you wouldn’t be here either 
Barry
Don’t tell my son that. His Dad is gay and his mother is lesbian. But he still managed to be born.
Gay men suck
… and in related news it has been discovered that gay women don’t suck 
Seriously though, I have sympathy for you Otto and the only thing I can say is that the type of behaviour you experienced isn’t confined to the only to the gay community.
I guess I’m laboring under the assumption that, absent an exchange of money or goods, getting naked with me in his bed is indicative of sexual attraction.
Ah. Well, maybe you just didn’t rock his world then.
No…no…that can’t possibly be it.
Anyways, it’s not just this specific guy I’m pitting. It’s the attitude he is currently embodying.
Otto, could the fault lie with the dishonesty of the people who are telling you this? Maybe not intentional, out-right blatant dishonesty, but the subtle kind you don’t really want to admit to yourself it’s there. For example, I think a couple of things maybe happening here.
Just MHO, of course…
-
These people like you well enough. Think your interesting, intelligent, witty, etc. However, that may not exactly translate to eye-popping heart flutters.
-
They’re lonely, looking too and just possibly, desire some physical contact and don’t think, despite how they may feel, that crossing the line that direction is necessarily a bad thing.
-
Can’t combine all of the above in information in a way that doesn’t make them look bad, so they have to was excessive about your good qualities (which, obviously is confusing) when adding to the “we don’t have a spark” feeling, especially after getting frisky. It really IS a cop-out, but speaks mostly of the immaturity of the other person and less about your attributes and potential as a partner.
In other words, I’m hoping that you eventually come across someone who has better control of how they portray themselves before and after you all become involved. And speak openly about what they are really feeling instead of just aiming to have a tryst with no emotional commitment, while still trying to look gallant or whatever. Better luck on Thursday. You deserve it.
I really have nothing to add but …
as the proud ex girlfriend of TWO gay men… the whole dating thing sucks… I’ll stay home with my cats.
Of course now I am married and have a kid and they both frown on me leaving and having fun with out them so… ah hell!
{Otto} Sorry about the “lack of spark.”
I’ve been in the no-chemistry situation before, and said that I wanted to be friends, and meant it. However, I didn’t say it after making out and getting naked. In fact, it was because I didn’t want to get naked and make out that I said it in the first place. Maybe he was just looking for a fling, Otto. Or maybe you bit him really hard in a sensitive spot, and he’s afraid of you. It’s hard to say.
So how was your date?
Well, I don’t know from what has happened in your case (or cases), but from personal experience I remember one guy in particular.
He was very good looking, sweet, we both sang and harmonized well together, and the guy was even rich (not something I generally put on my “list” so to speak, but it was icing).
When we kissed, to quote Leah Thompson in “Back to the Future” it was like kissing my brother.
I didn’t expect an immediate gratification, but when there is the OPPOSITE of that, a very definite “oh, this just isn’t right” feeling. It’s not always wrong to go with one’s gut instinct.
“IT” (sorry, 'it" is pretty much indefinable), just wasn’t there.
I’m woefully ignorant of how gay men feel regarding emotional attachments, life-partners, marriage and the like. Do they tend to think and feel like straight men do?
If so, IME, a good percentage of the males you date will be looking to get their rocks off, and the “no spark” line is a way to have their cake and eat it too (no pun intended).
But, you’re right to be confused. It could be a line to get the guy off the hook after he got what he wanted, or it could be an honest assessment of how he feels. That’s how we ALL feel when getting fed a line like that.
Dating sucks like that. Wish we could all be more help. I think I can be safe in stating that we’ve ALL had those “but it went so well” dates.
Your other date is tonite? Best wishes on that one!
**otto[.b]. I’d be happy to go out with you, also, if we lived closer. Then, you would be giving me the ‘friends’ ‘no-spark’ speech (at least based on passed experience).
It got so bad that I had just given up asking anyone out. Luckily, I worked up the nerve to ask a guy out a couple of weeks ago and we got along really well (at least he has called back for a second date this week).
Hope something comes of it and I hope you find someone really worthwhile. I’ll second the ‘dating vacation’, too, if your date tonight doesn’t work out.
Bob
Next time I visit my brother in Aurora I’ll look you up. Assuming of course you don’t get swept off your feet by this new guy.
As for how the date went, the fact that I’m posting here at 11:00 should tell you.
Man think of the odds!
And evens too! 
Otto, seriously… take a break.
Give it a rest. Take a vacation. Treat yourself to a few nights out with friends, take a day trip somewhere you’ve always wanted to go. Do some nights at home with movies you really want to see, or computer games you haven’t found time to play. Get out of this state of mind.
Do some fun things that you’d never do with a date. Spend some time and effort on your living quarters, make some changes to your space. And most of all, give up.
Just give up for a while. Surrender. Retreat from the field of battle, bloodied but unbowed, and vow to fight another day. For now, it seems like you’ve got some wounds to tend to. Heal up, get happy with yourself, and don’t go back out there until you’re damned good and ready.
If we lived anywhere near, I’d be inviting you out to Thai food and a movie with the Visiboyfriend and myself. Instead, go look up a friend you’ve neglected for too long, and suggest something fun. After all, wouldn’t it be nice to have an evening out with nothing at all on the line?