Friday night, I went out on a blind date. It was also my first real date in at least seven years. (Let’s face it … most “Gen Xers” don’t date, they meet someone, hang out, then eventually have sex.) I had a nice time, he bought me flowers, a very nice dinner. We share a lot of common interests, and conversation was easy and unstrained, I don’t recall a single awkward silence.
The problem: I felt no chemistry. No spark, no attraction, no nothing. I accept that I’m very likely not going to end up with Brad Pitt–I’m not the biggest prize in the world, either. I had a nice enough time that I’ve agreed to go out with him again tomorrow night–I’m not just going to say “the hell with it” because the first date didn’t yield true love.
I think I’m terribly afraid of settling for someone I’m not really into just because I have no one else, and haven’t for a loooong time. And because every single person I know won’t leave me alone about it. My friends (most of whom are only hearing what they want to hear, i.e. “I had a date”) are ready to send out wedding invitations, my coworkers (one of whom originally set me up with him) are practically climbing the cubicle walls with glee. Oddly enough, the only person who seems to understand my doubts is my mother.
Am I insane to be leery of dating a perfectly nice guy just because I can’t see this going anywhere romantic? Sure, it’s only been one date, and I’m already dooming it to failure, but am I a bad person for it? Or should I be commended for not wanting to waste my time on something that won’t pan out?
End of rant, you may resume your regularly scheduled board surfing.
I agree to a point. Keep it light and friendly, but don’t lead the guy into thinking something more will develop. Make it clear you don’t mind going out every so often, and you both are in no way an “exclusive pair.”
And no, you’re not a bad person, for God’s sake. You just haven’t met the right person. You will.
Draelin, I totally understand where you’re coming from. I’ve recently started dating someone who I have a lot in common with, we have fun, and there’s absolutely zero chemistry. I’m sticking with it, not because I’m afraid of being alone or I’m settling, because I believe a person comes into your life to teach you something. Maybe I’ll learn:
Wouldn’t this be a perfect world if we could control chemistry? “Hey–he is nice, treats me well, I will now create attraction.” Presto! Instant romance.
You’re not a bad person and there is nothing wrong with you. If after date #2 there is still nothing, tell him. Maybe he notices it, too, and you’ll be friends and one day laugh about it–you with your husband and him with his wife.
Don’t let other people’s expectations interfere with your relationships. You just do what you are happy with and forget what everyone else is thinking. Don’t stop having fun with someone because other people think you should be having his baby.
My experience has been that if there is no “spark”, no chemistry, right from the start - there probably is not going to be; I don’t know why, but it just seems to be that way. Maybe it is different for different people.
In the past, I used to think that if only I got to know someone well enough, maybe the chemistry will come. I don’t really think so any more, but since I am now married, the question is no longer on my mind as much.
The only two women that I have been in love with, I did not like at first. They were both attractive in their own way, I just didn’t like them. Love is funny, you never know where you’ll find it. I say give it a chance.
I’d second that. Many of my flames over the years started out as friends, even as adversaries, and as we got to know each other, found out that there were previously undiscovered things that I found attractive. There’ve of course also been girls who I had immediate infatuation for, and a few years later, I can’t understand it for the life of me. Some of them are truly awful people.
My fiance and I were mentally undressing each other within three seconds of meeting, and it hasn’t quit yet. Oh, and there’s substance too, not just passion.
I’m there with it. I’ll never forget the day my grandmother asked to speak with me privately, and then gave me a little lecture about how a nice young man, he gets to be twenty-five, he’s not married, he has no steady girl, you know, some people might start thinking he’s gay, and we don’t want that, do we?
If you’re going to become seriously involved with someone, do it for YOU. Do it for the RIGHT reasons, not to shut everyone else up.
Beyond that, I can offer no useful advice that has not already been put forth. I tend to agree with Chastain86.
Perfectly Nice Guys typically are at least a little tense on a first date. Talk with him, and set up a second date. If you still feel no spark after that, then thank him and move along.
From a Perfectly Nice Guy who can’t even get his initial phone calls returned… so take my advice with some salt water.
I will never ever settle for a less than fantastic guy.
I’ve been single for years. A lot of my friends are in couples. Made up but accurate stats (well, according to my world view):
2 out of 10 have an lovely relationship
2 out of 10 are making life hell for each other, or at least one is making life hell for the other one.
6 out of 10 are in it out of habit/because everyone else is/because they feel they ought to be. Good for them, but I could never do that. It sounds to me like you can’t either. If you can’t, you can’t. Even though you might want to sometimes.
I’d say try and be friends with the guy but be honest that you want nothing more. If you find his feelings run deeper, you might have part ways. Do not try to convince yourself you do have more feelings for him then you have, because ultimately you won’t believe yourself but by then it will be bloody tangly and messy to break up.
Oh, don’t say you are not the biggest prize. Never sell yourself cheap. We don’t believe you anyway.
Like S_B, I was once a Perfectly Nice Guy who couldn’t get his post-first-date calls returned either. Then I realized, hey, maybe it wasn’t me… maybe it was everything else.
Seriously. Some people just cannot work up a good conversation over dinner. It doesn’t mean you don’t have anything to say to each other, it just means you haven’t found a way to bring out that conversation.
Here’s the trick- do something different. If you went to a quiet restaurant this time, go see the Winger reunion tour or something. Try horseriding or something semi-physical like that. Your opinion of someone could end up being worlds apart from where it started if you get to see them in a different element.
Of course, some people just don’t have a spark, so if three different date-types don’t work, cut your losses and go pick up some guy in a bar
I’m of two minds on this. First, there is absolutely nothing wrong with holding out for the right person. As a confirmed Quirkyalone, I believe that it is better to be alone and available than locked in a mediocre relationship just to not be single. However, I also don’t believe in “love at first sight”. You really have to spend time with a person to figure out if they’re right or not. If you got along well on the first date, that alone is reason enough to see if anything develops on the second, and even third. Even if it’s just friendship, it worth finding out if anything can develop.
I think it speaks highly of you that you’re willing to give it a second date to see.
Did he attempt a goodnight kiss? Was there any hand holding/physical contact?
Some folks are just really shy on the first date, and as I’m a very tactile person that can drive me a little nuts. But… you have to trust your own instincts and if it feels like reaching out and taking their hand would be a bad move… ya don’t do it.
But I really can’t be sure chemistry is abscent until either there’s a kiss or they decide there isn’t any. So I continue to see someone till that point is reached.
Ahhh… my issue is that I’ve been having trouble with ladies not returning my PRE-first-date calls. That is, I meet someone at a party, actually get a phone number from them, call them a day or two later, leave a message… and never hear back.
I know I need to do something different… but with my recent history, a second date would be different in & of itself! Does anybody have any opinions about Dating for Dummies?
Added on preview: I reread the OP, and saw that Draelin already plans to go on a second date with the guy. Have fun!
Speaking from my own experience, don’t fall for someone just because they’re the only person you’ve had a date with in years. Fall for them because they’re a wonderful person in their own right.
I had the same thing happen to me; I gave it a second chance, but it just wasn’t there for me. I told him, as gently as I could, and he thanked me for telling him now instead of later. In other words, I’m pretty sure he was already falling for me (which made me really want to tell him, but also made me want not too because he’s a great guy and I didn’t want to hurt him) but telling him now was better than later. Still…ouch. I hated doing that.
