Well, I just did something I’ve never really done a lot before: had a first date with someone I met on OKCupid. It was just at a Starbucks, informal and casual, as I like it.
Now, as I said, I’ve not really done this a lot, so I’m not sure how it’s “supposed” to work, but I went into this with eyes open, because our messages struck me as… a little more enthusiastic than I would’ve been (and I know from over enthusiastic messages). When we met, we were both nervous, and obviously so, but I was noting various… personal habits on the other side of the table - small things, like talking while eating, and not looking me in the eyes as much as expected (being nervous, and having already expressed how hot I was), and, I feel a little ashamed to mention this, a laugh that grated on my ears a bit at times.
Is this shallow? I feel like it is. I’m not sure how much further I want to take this, and I feel a little guilty about it, and I’m not sure I’d feel good about saying that (although another reason I think I may be reluctant is that we’re a bit too much alike, personality-wise; I find a lot of people I’m attracted to at least look, and often are, more different than me).
Anyone with more dating experience able to give two cents?
If you’re seeing more than 2 or 3 habits that rub you wrong on the first date, there is no use in continuing in my experience. A relationship is going to be too hard if your emotions start off in the red.
A while ago I had an epiphany. Attraction keeps us from caring about the flaws of others. The only reason you were bugged by her is because you are not attracted to her. If it wasn’t her talking with her mouth full or her grating laugh, it would’ve been something else that would have turned you off. In other words, it’s only an illusion that these particular habits are what put you off. Your mind has simply glommed on to these idiosyncrasies as an easy rational explanation for something that in truth is visceral and irrational. Hence, the shallow feeling.
I have no idea if this theory is the truth, but it makes sense to me. People with grating laughs and poor eye contact and even worse find people who are crazy for them all the time. I suspect it’s because they are just lucky to find people too smitten to see their flaws (at least right away…).
Would you want someone to date you out of charity? Of course not. The entire point of first dates is to see if you guys click. If you don’t, that’s fine. It’s just a part of the process.
Yeah, I think I went into this on the negative side because of the previously mentioned over enthusiasm. I went to the date because I wanted to see if it was just internet communications or flailing over finding me hot. But the message I’m getting is that if I was at all inclined to pursue this, I’d feel more enthusiastic or less unsure?
This makes sense to me, too. When we like someone, their habits are simply less annoying than when we don’t like them. So when we irritate someone who loves us, think of how bad we must be!
(Although I have seen the opposite, where we hold our loved ones to a higher standard. This only seems to arise, though, when we are seeing our loved one through someone else’s eyes.)
I guess I am the one who is going against the tide here
My rule was everybody got three dates unless there were huge red flags.
I dated several men that I wasn’t too impressed with on the first date. By the third date we were more relaxed and I was hooked. One didn’t last long because his job transferred him to another state. The other one lasted 8 years.
The first time I heard his voice I thought he sounded like Rerun from What’s Happening?
Either his voice changed when he was more relaxed or I got used to it, maybe both. All I know was that it didn’t bother me anymore.
I think most people take dating way too seriously. Dating should be fun, going out, having a good time, getting to meet and know new people.
I think too many people treat it like a mission.
It seems like everybody wants to find the one (or even worse their soul mate or ::shudder:: twin flame) and they want to find them NOW! If they don’t make that connection (have chemistry) on the first date they think they are wasting their time to continue to get to know the person.
Sometimes it takes more than one date for chemistry to develop. How many times do people have chemistry on the first date and dive into the relationship only to find out the other person has some real issues? Issues serious enough that they would have waked away had they not been blinded by chemistry?
How many times in life do we meet somebody and think we’d never like them and as we get to know them we become really good friends?
How many times do you meet somebody and become instant friends and three months later you can’t stand each other?
First dates suck for most people and nerves can get in the way.
Especially when you go into it with expectations.
I wish more people would go on dates with an open mind, no expectations, just relax. If you’re not having fun then you’re doing it wrong.
I disagree. I was working on a collaboration project with a girl from another company; she was hot. Then at some point she laughed…& snorted. A loud obnoxious snort. As I came to work with her I realized she did this about 50% of the time & not just on the big belly laughs, sometimes it was on just a snicker. I realize that she may not have even realized it &/or controlled it; however, this moved her from the I was going to ask her out category to the I don’t even want to have a conversation with her category.
The talking with the mouth full or not enough eye contact I could possibly overlook enough to get to a second date if I were the OP. Maybe it’s the nerves & that’s not the way she normally is; however a grating laugh is her & it’s not going to get better. If it doesn’t work for you, no harm, no foul, just move on.
You have to make a massive allowance for how artificial all these first dates that are first meetings are. In the normal course of events these dates are the equivalent of the dreaded old school blind date, without even the recommendation of a mutual friend. Without the internet you would at least vaguely know your date partner before you asked her out, so some of her foibles would have stopped you even venturing on a first date let alone a second.
I’m thoroughly unqualified to have an opinion, but it sure seems to me that Sahirrnee nailed in post 11. If I ever find myself dating again I’d sure hope to bump into women who thought more like her.
I have a question for the folks who run away from the minor surface irritants that show immediately: Why did you even bother ordering the coffee or whatever? Why not simply say “thanks for coming but I’ve seen enough”, turn on your heel, and depart? Most of the “deal-breakers” folks have mentioned ought to be obvious during the first 30 seconds.
While there is certainly no harm in a second date, for either of you, I would go with my intuition. If I get this visceral a ‘probably not the one’ feeling, I’m probably going to go with that.
But if you’re not sure? Go ahead and have a second date, something short and casual again. I’m pretty sure by the end of date number two, you’ll be firmly of one opinion or another.
Also you admit to a woeful lack of experience with such things, so why not a second date? If nothing more you’ll gain some experience, this time with less nerves on both sides. That seems a win regardless!
Just my experience, but every good relationship I’ve had started awkwardly. The ones with crazy instant chemistry just ended up being, well, crazy.
My best friend does a lot of dating but has never had a relationship, and I think it’s due to his being too picky over going for a 2nd date. I’ve never met anyone who didn’t have at least one annoying habit and plenty of great people are shy/nervous, sometimes all the time. But you know, different preferences. That sort of thing doesn’t turn me off.
My inclination is to say that a “2nd date is just a 2nd date” rather than the “you better move on right away” response.
I used to have a rule that I almost always gave someone a second chance, unless the first date was BEYOND AWFUL. I think some people are so nervous on a first date that you just cant get a good impression of who they are. If there were other redeeming qualities, I would try again.
I only got past a first date three times (out of maybe 10 or so women I went out with between the ages of 20 and 30. One of the three wanted to marry me but I saw we were incompatible, and the other I’ve been married to for close to 20 years. If I got past the first date, it lasted at least a few months. I had a couple that ended prematurely. I have a problem with my eyes that keeps them from focusing on one spot for more that a few seconds at a time, so that probably, and understandably, creeped a few women out.