Is this a "date"? What do I do? OH GOD SO CONFUSED

I have a date, I think. It would be my first ever, after a mere 22 years on this planet. Guess I was just waiting for the right woman…who I met online.

Alright, so I’ve been exchanging weekly e-mails with this girl I met on a dating site about two-months ago. The e-mails were usually of considerable length, so I’m hoping this is a sign that she was interested. Although it was fun e-mailing her (she’s writes very humorously), I wanted to take it to the next level…the real world. So I collected my balls and asked if she wanted to play a game of pool this weekend. She obliged. Score!

Now, as I said, I’m new to this whole dating this. Is this a “date?” I mean, the word “date” was never explicitly mentioned…that’s not a prerequisite, right?

And actually, I’m getting a bit ahead of myself. That’s the itinerary, so to speak, the details haven’t been finalized. When she replied, she also have me her phone number. Also a good sign, yes? I haven’t called her yet, I’ll hopefully do that tomorrow, but what do I say? I suck on the phone and am deathly afraid of the awkward pauses and simultaneous speaking that may ensue.

Aside from the general phone problem, there are two more:
1) A venue has not yet been selected. She lives about 20 miles away, should I ask her if she knows of any good places, or should I try and choose one before I call? Should the place be closer to me, her, or in between somewhere?
**2) ** How should I go about the transportation deal? Should I offer to pick her up, or would that come across as too forward, seeing as we’ve never met in person before? How do online dates usually work?

Any tips, advice, help, lessons on how not to be a dumbass (I know, too late), and whatever else you might be able to add would be amazingly appreciated. I don’t want to blow my first date, because the next one may not be for another 22 years. Thanks.

I say, yes it’s a date, and since you’re the one who suggested pool, you should pick the place. Try to find a place somewhere in between the two of you. When you call her, ask if she would prefer to have you pick her up, or meet you there. Since you seem uncomfortable with the whole phone idea, I’d suggest keeping it short. Get the place, time, and method of transportation settled, tell her you look forward to getting together, and leave it at that. There’ll be plenty of time for talking when you go out.

Have fun and good luck!

My advice would to be to try to work into the conversation over the phone tomorrow some sort of clarification of whether or not it is a date or just hanging out with a friend. I wouldn’t say that such explicitness is necessary, but it certainly helps clear things up (from the way you explain it though it certainly sounds like a date to me).

When you call have an idea of a venue that you can suggest along with a plan for transportation (I’m not sure I would outright offer to pick her up, she might be more comfortable knowing she has an out [this is not to suggest that she doesn’t want to be there, but I know that simply having my own transportation would make me much more comfortable when meeting someone in person for the first time]), but remain open to suggestions, I find that flexibility is key, but you do want to have a plan in mind so that if she doesn’t you have something to say and avoid that awkward silence as you try to come up with one on the fly.

Good luck, and above all enjoy it!

Some strip clubs have pool. I suggest taking her to one of those*.
*I claim no responsibility for any actions you take on account of anything I say whether it be verbally, or committed to writing on this message board or elsewhere at any point in time, into perpetuity. In fact, following any of my advice would probably result in horrible, horrible things that will ruin your life forever.

If you’ve been exchanging emails for two months already, I’m gonna say it’s probably not a date. However, I think you should pretend like it’s a date. In all your dealings with her, act as though this is obviously a date and she will probably want to sleep with you at the end of the night. Pick out a place to go beforehand and offer to pick her up (while giving her the option of just meeting her there.) Even if she doesn’t want it to be a date, she won’t be offended that you’re acting like it is. If anything, she’ll be flattered. And there’s a decent chance that your actions will change her mindset from non-date to date. At the very worst, you’ll be getting some good practice for you next date, which will be much less anxiety-ridden than this one appears to be. Good luck.

I always tell people that I only go on dates with women that I am having sex with. Before that it is just hanging out together.

Mind you my line seems to have stopped people trying to line me up with their friends.

Yep, you’ve got a date.

You’ll do fine on the phone. You’ve already established the groundwork online, so you’ll have stuff to talk about and it will flow fine (you might keep a list of talking points next to you when you have her on the phone if you are the type to freeze up when talking on the telephone).

You might ask her for suggestions regarding the place, that way you will know where she will be comfortable. I recommend a bowling alley/fun center. Very non-threatening atmosphere (as opposed to the strip clubs - you never know whose been doing what on those tables). The bowling alley usually has a place that will serve burgers and beer and after it turns out she is much better pool player than you or visa versa, you have the alternative of bowling where you can reverse the process and where you can laugh at your incompetence (very important part of a first date being able to prove you can laugh at yourself).

By the way, the day before the date go by the site and make sure it will be acceptable. You also might drop off a teddy bear or something to be given to her when the two of you get there. It’s a cute touch that shows planning on your part (which is another important thing to demonstrate on a first date).

Sure, offer to pick her up, but I am willing to bet she will prefer to meet you someplace. Remember this has been all online so far, and she will want an escape hatch. If she does want to meet you someplace, get there at least 20 minutes early so you will be the one waiting and not her (don’t get totally drunk while waiting).

Relax, you know each other already and everthing will be fine and if it isn’t and you have to wait another 22 years for the next date, you could be the author of the sequel of 40 Year Old Virgin. It was a humongus hit and yours would be too and you would get rich and women will be throwing themselves at you.



Yes, it’s a date. And, congratulations. I remember in a thread a few months ago telling you you’d never get a date as long as your screen name was a blatant Rush reference - dates and Rush are generally like oil and water - and I must now rescind that. Well done, sir.


Given that you met on a dating website, then yes, its a date. Ask her for suggestions as to where to meet, but have some places in the back of your mind, she’ll probably ask where you’d like to go. Bowling alley is a good idea. If there’s a sorta ‘hang-out’ area or downtown-ish area by her house, you might suggest something there. I would just assume she would like to meet you there, but if the place ends up being near her house you can just ask, “Would you like me to pick you up or is it easier to meet there?” And I agree w/ Ms Pumpkin, keep the phone conversation short.

First dates with someone you met online tend to be more platonic and non-physical, so don’t worry if there aren’t, you know, sparks the first moment you see her. Just be polite and be yourself.

It’s a date. Don’t try and force it, just go with the flow. There is no goal that you have to reach on the first date so relax. Basically three things can happen. She will like you and want to keep dating you. She likes you but would rather hang out with you than date you (not a bad thing, women tend to know other women that you can date). Or you make her throw up a little into her mouth and she has to swallow it (not disaster, just try again with someone else). You have nothing to lose. If it is the worst date in the history of the world the worst thing that can happen is your life doesn’t change, you still don’t have a girlfriend. It’s a no lose situation. At the very least you will never say again that you have never had a date.

Oh if you haven’t mentioned it before, don’t tell her you have never had a date. You can tell her you don’t have much experience, but don’t tell her this is your first.

Great job on getting the phone number ahead of time. Like you, I absolutely HATE talking on the phone, so I just set up everything via email with the girls I met online.

I had 1 experience where I was meeting a girl in her town, about 40 miles away from me at a “brew and view” movie theater I’d always wanted to go to, but never had. The directions I’d gotten off the internet were way, WAY off and I got totally lost. I was going to call her and let her know I wasn’t trying to ditch her, but I never got her number!

Anyway, with the help of a dude from a gas station, I found my way there about 15 minutes late. She was very sweet about the “oops”, and gave me her number at that point so it wouldn’t happen again.

We’ve been dating about 6 months now.

Don’t do anything like this until you know her better. It’d be creepy and seem kinda deperate. Just go and think of it more of a chance to get to know here, don’t put any huge expectations onit and you’ll be able to relax more.

This warrants repeating

I always tended to treat these events as what I called “first meets”

Even if you have seen her on cam, in person always tends to be different.
Its nice to think you know someone after extensive emailing/chatting but its a whole different ballgame in person. Relax, be you, abandon all fantasies and expectations about this girl and do your best to just let it flow.

Remember, like it or not we are often very different people in person.

You’re going on a date.

Present her with flowers and a box of condoms when you pick her up. Indicate that the condoms are for later, if things go smoothly. This will show her how considerate you are.

Be sure to wear a tuxedo. You can never be too overdressed. At the pool hall, order all her drinks for her. This will show her you are a true gentleman.

Seriously, though, just relax and try to have a good time. Do have in mind a place to go.

Ew, don’t do this. Creepy.

I would say, yes, it’s a date. However, it’s a first date so I don’t think I would go overboard.

You asked her out and suggested pool, so you should pick the place. However, you could have a couple in mind ie - “Chucky’s is nice - they have great wings. Or the Pool-O-Dome might be a good choice - they have both snooker and 8-ball tables.” Then you can discuss that with her a bit, but don’t just say “Where should we go?” - girls tend to like a guy who plans a little.

I would offer to pick her up, as it’s a nice thing to do, but don’t be offended if she say’s she’ll meet you there. As a girl who’s gone on many blind dates (which is basically what this is), it’s nice to drive my own car and have an escape route if necessary. Not that you’re a psycho, but she doesn’t know that.

When you call try to have an agenda for the conversation. When you’re going, where you’re going, does she want you to pick her up, etc. If you’re nervous you could jot down the items you want to talk about before you call. When you’re hanging up it would be nice to say something like “Great - I’ll see you at 7:00 on Saturday. I’m really looking foward to meeting you in person.” It sort of sums up what’s happening, makes her feel good, and it’s not too foward.

Anyhow, relax, try to have fun. Even if it’s a disaster, it’s preparation for the next date you go on. :slight_smile:

I’m having a real funny image of trying to drop of a teddy bear at a pool hall and asking the manager to present it to you when you go in the next day.

“You want me to WHAT?”

Please, no teddy bear. You don’t know her and she may be as icked out by teddy bears as I am. Even flowers on a first meet are a much of a muchness.
Call her. She gave you her phone number and even though you fear the phone, she gave you her phone number and expects that you’ll use it.
Give her two options to choose from pool hall-wise and ask if she has a favorite.
Ask if she’d like to be picked up or would like to meet you there.
Mention that you’re looking foward to seeing her and there’s your scary phone conversation; over and done and nobody got hurt. An awkward pause is a small price to pay for getting to know a person. Cowboy up.
Don’t be totally focused on what she thinks of you—do you enjoy her company? This is about you, really. True, you don’t want to be a jerk but you are finding out if this girl is worth seeing again. Maybe she is and maybe she’s not. Go and find out.

Cyn, who met her husband on Yahoo!Personals.

Hah! You’re too easy. If this is me, I’m telling the girl that unless she puts out, she doesn’t get the flowers either.

From what I understand, online date etiquette says that you meet somewhere neutral, meaning not at each others’ house, work place, school, or anything like that.

Who cares if it’s a “date”? Just go play some pool with her, see if you get along, and if it starts a relationship, that’s cool. If not, it’s still cool. Stressing about semantics isn’t going to change anything, but it might give you an ulcer if you worry too much.

You met her on a online dating service, thus yes, it is a “date”. If this was with a co-worker or something then ithe question is open. But it was a dating service, thus you may assume it is a date.

When you call her (and yes, her number is a Good sign), limit yourself to the arrangements. Ask here "got a good place in your are you’re thinking of? Want to meet there or should I pick you up? (She’ll likely say “Meet her there”, pick her up is a very good sign) "How will I recognize you? I’ll be wearing a black shirt, jeans and etc etc. " I like to bring a single small rose- not a “one rose bouquet” just a single rose, like from the garden- even a daisy is OK. No bouquets, no teddy bears- unless you “win” one for her playing skeeball or something.

Dress casually but nice- I’d wear a colored shirt with a collar, and either nice jeans or chinos. Make sure your shoes are not wrecks, either. Don’t wear too much aftershave! Breathmints.