Well, I think it’s a date, anyway. Let me explain.
Saturday, I dropped by my friend’s house to say hello. I hadn’t been there for a while, so I thought I’d touch base. Friend wasn’t there, but his wife (hereinafter referred to as “Fwife”, a really nice lady – now about 3-4 months pregnant with [sub]friend[/sub]). Fwife had met “a nice single (divorced) girl” about my age at a party the week before (said party referred to hereafter as “TL” [“The Lady”, as opposed to “That Woman”]). She thought I might be interested in hooking up with her. She gave me TL’s phone number and encouraged me to call her.
Tonight I called TL, and made a dinner date for Saturday evening. Since it’s a first-ever meeting (I’ve never seen TL, nor she I) we’re meeting at a cafeteria-style restaurant (That way if she’s worried I might be a creep, it’s in a well-lit public place). I have no idea what TL looks like, and haven’t been on a “real” date in years.
I have a vague notion regarding how to comport myself in most social situations, but I never dated much all my life. I need three things from the teeming millions:[list=1][li]Advice on how to comport myself (how should I dress, mannerisms, should I bring a flower(s), etc.) Also – how long after the date should a gentleman call?[/li]
[li]Suggestions on what post-dinner activities might be appropriate (movies? Dancing? I have a bad knee – nix on dancing).[/li]
[li]Prayers, positive vibes, or their functional equivalents.[/list=1]I wasn’t very nervous when I called, even though it was kind of awkward. TL didn’t recall the name of Fwife, and didn’t know who she was until I mentioned the party Fwife met her at. This was a cold call by someone who’d been out of circulation for several years, and hadn’t been in circulation very much before that anyway.[/li] NOW I’m nervous!
Well, the restaurant you’re going to meet her at sounds casual… I’ve always been partial to jeans and a button-down shirt m’self. Flowers are nice, but in this case, I think it’d be better to wait. See how the first date goes, and if all goes well, then think about it for the second or third date.
I dunno about the calling part, seeing as I communicate with people almost totally via e-mail/ICQ.
Any shows in town? You could also ask her if she has any ideas.
[sub]Of course, this is dating advice from someone who hasn’t gone out for a long, long time…[/sub]
[li]First and foremost, be a gentleman. Pull out her chair for her and open doors, especially car doors.[/li]
[li]Don’t bring flowers on a first date. A tradition of my own is to bring a small “something”, as a gift. My usual is a miniature abalone shell the size of your thumbnail from my shell collection. No jewelery, of course, just something small in a cute little box. You can find marvelous little bent wood boxes at hobby shops or crafts stores.[/li]
[li]Remember to listen. Men are genetically programmed to preen for the ladies. Try to keep it to a minimum. While you may wish to avoid really serious topics, be prepared to talk about things that do mean something to you. The best thing to do is gauge all of this from the pace that the lady sets.[/li]
[li]Dress well, and groom yourself well. You never have a second chance to make a good first impression. Trim all related hairs and give yourself a close shave, unless you have a beard. If you wear colonge, use it sparingly, don’t bathe in it unless you are really afraid of body odor. Floss and do all those other annoying rituals, look your best. Breath mints never hurt either. I like Smints.[/li]
[li]For myself, I never let the lady pay on the first date unless she insists (and then I try to limit it to her leaving the tip). I always let her know that she may pay on the next. That way she has equal footing, but you are able to pace the level of overall “shazzam” that you might wish for to impress her. This also allows the woman to know that she now has a non-suggestive way of repaying the event by her being able to ask you out.[/li]
[li]DO NOT talk about past relationships unless asked about it! Even then, limit any discussion to a minimum without being rude.[/li]
[li]Avoid drinking much alcohol, a bottle of wine with dinner is fine but keep it to a dull roar. Always offer to share a taste from your own plate if your date shows interest, or split dishes at a nice restaurant. It is an intimate touch to share food like that.[/li]
[li]It never hurts to do a little reconnaisance, find out from your mutual friend what the lady’s interests or hobbies are. You are obviously interested in cooking from what I can tell of you. If she is too, this is a great starting point, try to have one or two others as backup.[/li]
[li]And now for the hardest part. After all of this weird advice; be yourself. It is almost impossible to do, but a women’s intuition is specifically attuned for detecting phonies. For them it is a survival tool to find out whether you are sincere. Just be yourself and that won’t be a problem. Be sure to talk about the passions in your life.[/li]
[li]If you really hit it off fine, go to a movie. It’s better to save that for a later date. I’d say, meet her at the cafeteria but scope out ahead of time, a nicer restaurant nearby that you might suggest after a cup of coffee to get acquainted. A nice walk to a truly good establishment will make the evening more memorable. Avoid overdoing it though, just a medium priced place, and by the way, NO barbecue. Fork and knife food in case she is wearing something nice.[/li]
[li]Be sure to compliment her outfit, hairstyle or jewelery. Be sincere, but make sure that you notice. Women go through hell making themselves up for a nice evening so show some appreciation.[/li]
[li]Avoid asking for her phone number. Offer her yours and hope that she responds. It is important to allow women to pace things to their own preference.[/li]
[li]If you enjoyed the evening, let her know in no uncertain terms. This is your one opportunity.[/li][li]My advice is not to go for the big smoocheroo at the end of the first evening. Walk her to her door, and perhaps a kiss on the wrist or cheek. It is better to be remembered as a gentleman. At the very least wait in your car until she is safely inside the house.[/li]
Wow Zenster pretty much covered it all. (Well done Z)
Just try and relax ** Baloo ** and be yourself. Of course that’s very easy to say and quite another thing to carry out, but it will make you more attractive.
Don’t stress mate. My fingers will be crossed for you.
Personal advice: I never, never take a first date to a movie or any other place loud. My purpose on a first date is to get to know the person, and you can’t do that if your watching a movie or can’t hear. If dinner works out, there are plenty of other places to go that are quiet. Make it spur of the moment, and it’s more fun. I’ve ended up in parks, museums, at work(horror story for another time), and countless other places. Go somewhere you can talk. Movies will be there later. Have fun. Maybe I’ll have a date sometime, too.
Lots of good advice already. A couple more things to keep in mind:
IMO, the whole point of a first date is to see if you want a second date, not if you want a “relationship.”
Don’t tell her what you think she wants to hear. Be sincere. My sister and I call this “Say what you mean and mean what you say.”
If you say you’re going to call her, do it within a week. Any longer than 10 days and I have already written the guy off.
If you had a good time, let her know. Kind of like telling a potential employer at the end of a job interview that you’re interested in the job :). OTOH, if you just don’t click at all and you don’t really want to see her again, don’t pretend that you do. Frankly, I’d much rather get rejected up front, than not get phone calls returned. I’m not sure what the best way to do this is. I’ve said things like “You seem like a very nice guy, but we really don’t seem to have much in common.” I said this to a guy at the end of the worst blind date I’d ever had. Obviously it wasn’t the worst he had, because he wanted to see me again.
I’ll second the “don’t talk about past relationships” advice. This is generally a big red flag. If she’s talking about her ex-husband all the time, she definitely isn’t over it.
As far as a big smoocheroo goes, you have to play this by ear. If you’re good at reading body language, it should be pretty obvious if she’s receptive to the idea or not.
Have fun. And since you weren’t sure if this was an actual date or not, based on what you’ve said, my opinion is that it is definitely a date.
If the lady has been generous enough to give you her phone number, it is a strong indicator that she does want to hear from you. There is nothing wrong with calling the next evening to tell her how much you enjoyed her company. As difficult as it is, try and leave it at that. During the phone call, ask her if you might call her again soon. I she replies in the affirmative, call her about two days later and gently prink around about going out again. If the lady has enjoyed herself at all, she’ll make it clear to you.
Now for the tough one. If you ask her out, the treat’s on you. Do not expect her to pay for the next one if you are the one doing the asking. I think that you are sufficiently old school that this isn’t a problem for you. I just wanted to be clear on an important rule of the road. The person who invites, pays. If your date suggests going dutch on the second date, fine. But take the initiative once you have started the ball rolling. Most women find consistencey very appealing in a man. That way they know what to expect.
On the second date ask to pick her up at her house and then bring flowers. No red roses yet! A floral mix or my favorite, an orchid with asparagus fern and some low budding flowers will do just fine. (Yes, I love Ikebana!)
A micro-quibble (the rest of the advice was excellent). One doesn’t kiss a woman’s hand, one kisses the air above the woman’s hand. Miss Manners is very clear about this.
Apparently, actually touching your lips to a woman’s hand is fraught with DEEP MEANING.
I, on the other hand, have no idea what the DEEP MEANING is.
In the later medieval period, it was common to kiss the air above a ladies hand, as opposed to kissing the hand itself, as it is probably under a fine silk or calf-skin glove, and one would not want to sully it with Rouge, lipstick, spit, etc…
Me, being a youngster, have found that bowing, saying things with “M’lady” and the kiss above the hand thing don’t go well with most of today’s younger women… unless one dates goth’s or SCA/Ren-Faire folks… heheheh
