MWAHAHAHAHA!
Long story short: Saturday, TL was a no-show. She was OBE (Overcome By Events) and forgot until quite a bit after our agreed-upon meeting time.
The date has been rescheduled for this coming Saturday.
I’ll keep you posted, but remember, a gentleman only shares so much information about a lady.
~~Baloo
Knowing your wit and humor, vague generalities will suffice I’m sure. Besides, I’d rather that you were a gentleman than hear any of the sordid details.
PS: Sorry to hear about the no show, they’re always a drag.
Or perhaps I should say, after-inaction report.
Reader’s digest version:[list=1][li]We met.[/li]
[li]We had dinner.[/li]
[li]We each went home (she to hers, and I to mine). We didn’t even shake hands.[/list=1]This was not the date from hell. It was, however, the date from one of the better-lit regions of the Twilight Zone.[/li]
TL was pretty enough, but not so pretty that I felt outclassed. I had dressed for the occasion, but she was wearing worn, but clean sweats, as if she was out running errands. She seemed intelligent enough, but also seemed rather uninterested in conversation. It was as if she would rather have stayed home watching television. I’d almost rather she did.
Very early on she mentioned, without prompting, “I’ve never been married and never want to be”. Okay, fine. It was perhaps the first personal remark she made (of the few words she uttered). She seems to have developed reticence to a fine art. Look, lady – this is a first date. We’re trying to see if we even like each other.
She wasn’t blatantly rude, but it appeared as if her mind was anywhere but at the table with us. It wasn’t as if she was concentrating on her food, either. She is neither fat nor skinny, and didn’t consume her dinner with gusto, salt and ketchup. Neither did she pick at her food as if she were trying to appear to be eating without actually doing so. I did notice that she smiled whenever I caught her looking at me, but she stifled any facial expression immediately she became aware of it. She came across as a rather cold fish.
Can anyone analyze this experience for me? Go ahead and grill me – there’s nothing about our date you couldn’t tell a 3rd-grade schoolchild, and I’m sure there’s important details I must’ve left out. I’m rather confused. I suppose it’s possible that we just don’t have much in common. It hasn’t put me off dating, but I suppose I’d better keep looking.
~~Baloo
After pressing you so hard, Baloo, allow me to be the first to say that you deserved better!
Spamdammit! You seem to be a really nice person, and a date that shows up in sweats (without breaking a sweat at the precise moment), is hardly worth the bother.
I’m confident in saying that we all wish better for you Baloo.
}}}}Baloo{{{{
That stinks. 
I can’t help but wonder what would possess a woman to wear sweats on a first date. I mean, if that’s her nice outfit, I don’t want to see what she’d wear on the second date. Oh well Baloo…just don’t take it personally.
Rose
A woman showing up on a first date wearing sweats??? Oh my gosh, that has to be symptomatic of something! Seriously, that is so weird that we can’t analyze the rest of the date for you, Baloo, 'cause she is so off that we can’t predict her like a normal human. Add that to she forgot your first meeting, and you have one messed-up chicka.
The only possible thing I can think of is that she was wildly ambivalent about going on the date to the extent that she totally shot herself in the foot by both dress and manner.
In any case, forget her; anyone that weird you do not need. Do not blame yourself for ANY part of that fiasco. Keep following Zenster’s advice, which was wonderful. And call me if you are in Michigan. 
What’s that? An inverted hug? 
I had pretty much decided she wasn’t interested by her manner and mode of dress. I won’t pursue the relationship (not that there seemed to be much of one in the offing). I am wondering, though. I think it would be rude not to call, but I don’t want to give the impression that I want an encore, either. Any tips on what I might say that would convey “Thanks for showing up, but let’s just stay acquaintances” without being rude?
~~Baloo
baloo, from her “misssing” the first meeting, and her dress and manner on the second meeting, i don’t think that you have to worry about calling her. i wouldn’t consider you rude if you didn’t call her. i do consider HER rude for her treatment of you. i would call the people that put the two of you together and tell them thanks for the thought, but no thanks, on setting me up with someone.
Baloo, I know you are trying to be a nice guy, but there is no way to call her without either a)sounding like you want to meet her again or b)saying something that means “gee, I don’t like you.” You don’t want a and b she will figure out when you don’t call. Even I, who thinks of myself as the person who must tie up all loose ends, would think it was odd if you called me in this situation.
Glad you aren’t taking her behavior personally.
We never met before. How could it possibly be personal?
On the bright side, I’m pleased to note that I didn’t get all emotionally charged about how awful the date was (it wasn’t awful – just no better than an evening in front of the TV). This was probably the first first date in my life I wasn’t worried about whether or when I ought to “make a move” or if I was being too pushy. What a difference a few years make.
~~Baloo
…but there’s no laugh track to let you know when.
I got a call from Friend. Fwife saw TL Tuesday morning and asked her how the date went. TL said she really enjoyed our dinner, thought I was a really nice guy, and sounded like she might like an encore. She did mention that I hardly let her get a word in edgewise.
Huh? Whenever she asked me a question I’d give her a few minutes’ worth of information. Whenever it was her turn to talk, I got what? Three, perhaps four syllables? I dunno. Maybe she was too quiet because she was nervous. It’s possible I may have been nervous as well, but I don’t think I rambled on. I do, however, come from a family where conversation is considered a viable alternative to watching television.
So…
Do I call her (or write – a letter mailed today will arrive at her place tomorrow) and see if a different setting might make a difference? After all, the early stages of dating are primarily to establish friendship. Even though her not-gonna-marry declaration put me off, at least I might become friends and (possibly) she might introduce me to someone who is interested in (eventual) marriage. It’s not like I’m working against a deadline here, is it?
What do you suggest?
~~Baloo
Sounds like you did okay, Baloo.
Blind dates are a tough venue. In the past, I was always kind of picky about blind dates. A lot depended on the “matchmaker” (MM) who linked up me and the girl. If the MM knew both me and the girl well and I trusted the MM’s judgment, then I would go with the date. And even then, I would pump the MM for a lot of info before the date so that I could go into the date with a fairly good idea of how much the girl and I had in common. Even better, I preferred it if the MM and his/her SO accompanied us on the date so that MM & SO could draw out both me and the girl and present us in the best possible light to each other.
You were in the worst possible blind date scenario (short of calling a number off a bathroom wall in a bar), in that Fwife barely knew TL and you had to hook up and spend an evening with TL knowing little or nothing about her in advance. Given all that, it sounds like you handled the event very well.
I wouldn’t worry about why she did this or that on your first date (wore sweats, forgot about the first date, said strange things). It sounds like she simply wanted to discourage any expectations you might have for a romantic night on the town on the first date. Sounds like she wants to take it real slow. But I wouldn’t worry too much about her specific motivations. The main thing is to decide whether you want to pursue the relationship. Personally, I would probably decide that a relationship with her would move too slowly and I don’t want to put in the work needed to pull her out of her shell. But that’s me. You might well want to give her a second chance and/or cultivate her as a friend simply in order to broaden your social circle a bit. In any case, it’s your call. I say that you should make the judgment call according to how much work you’re willing to put into the relationship based on what you already know about her, without worrying too much at this stage what her motivations are or why she did some of the strange things she did.
As for the conversation thing, it sounds like you handled the date well. She was reticent and untalkative, so you talked at length about yourself. Good call. I’ve done the same thing under the same circumstances. I figure that if she’s not very forthcoming about herself, then the next best thing I can do is to give her a good picture of me. Hopefully that will put her more at ease, and eventually she will feel comfortable and talk more about herself.
And it seems to have worked. She has indicated through Fwife that she would want more opportunity to talk about herself if the opportunity were to present itself. So, next time you talk to her, start asking more about her. If she is still reticent, then ask questions designed to draw out answers. If she says that she likes something, then ask her why she likes it. Ask her what specifically she likes about it. Compare it to something similar and ask her which one she thinks is better and why. Tell an anecdote about your own experiences with it and then ask if she would have done the same thing in your shoes, and if not, then why not. etc.
As for where you should go from here, I would say that you can do pretty much anything you want. At this point you might simply never call or write again, and I don’t think it would be a big breach of manners given that the first date was so low-key. Or you could call and try a second date, figuring that she might be more into it now that she’s seen you close up and had time to digest that first impression of you.
If you want to pursue the relationship a bit further without committing to anything, here’s a suggestion: Give her a call sometime when you anticipate that she might have a little time free to chat on the phone, and thank her for the nice time. Raise the possibility of a second date if you want, and then try to chat with her a bit. Ask her how she liked the cafeteria last time. Tell her you were thinking about something she said last time and wanted to talk more about it over the phone. Or ask her for advice or info on one of her interests.
In other words, use the phone call to feel her out a bit more and get to know her better. Some particularly reticent women (and men, probably) open up quite a bit more over the phone than they do in person. If you can get her chatting a bit on the phone, you’ll get a better idea of whether there’s any hope of a relationship. You may even suggest getting back to her before finalizing plans for the second date, in which case you can call and chat again on another evening.
Also, consider the possibility of going out double-dating with Fwife and her husband. They will probably pull out a side of TL that you might not otherwise see.
That’s about all the advice I have. It sounds like you know how to handle a date okay. And what you went through on your first date with TL is about the worst experience you can have on a first date. If you survived it okay, then you should consider getting out and dating around more (irrespective of whether you continue the relationship with TL). Having already been to first-date hell and back with TL, things can only get better with other women.
Good to hear you’re not letting it get to you personally mate. Too many people would let it get to them. As you said, she doesn’t know you (and as someone else said - you deserve better anyway).
It’s a shame though. Such an air of disinterest is a bit disheratening. It may indeed have been better if she hadn’t bothered at all. But it def. could have been worse mate.
Chalk it up as another life experience.
TL seems to use the phone a lot for someone who doesn’t have the internet. Tonight I called her and after many, many busy signals, I finally got through.
I asked her if she might want to go out next weekend (asking her to go out tonight or the next night implies she couldn’t get a date, right?) and she said “If I’m not busy.” Judging by the tone of her voice, she might as well have said “If I can’t think of anything better to do.” She said she’d call me. Look, if she has that many things to do, I’m an unnecessary distraction.
Well, this bear has better things to do than plan a weekend evening around “maybe, maybe not.” If she does call, I think I’ll just let her know I found something better to do. I don’t need someone who isn’t interested.
:rolleyes:
I didn’t perceive any warmth from this person on our date, and this just puts the signature on the certificate. Maybe next time (with someone else), huh?
~~Baloo
Hey, Baloo!
At the very least you proved that the problem is not you! From what it sounds like, you are a great person and a fantastic date. So the next time you do this, hopefully with a woman who has a pulse, you’ll do great.
Also, you “called”, which proves you are a gentleman. Sorry it didn’t work out, but you are not allowed to date anyone who wears sweatpants anyway.
xoxox,
Maggie
You did your best. Leave it at that. This gal is sending more mixed signals than a frequency hopping walkie-talkie. I thinks it’s just plain mean to answer an polite invitation with, “If I’m not busy.” How rude!
Hang in there buddy!
Fwife thinks I waited too long to call back, and that TL might’ve been trying to let me know (without using so many words) that she had her nose “out of joint” due to the delay. Friend thought I was an idiot for not trying to get a date for tonight or tomorrow (If she’d seemed interested, I’dve asked). Did I wait too long to call? It was only seven days.
FWIW, I agree with Zenster. If she’s interested, but shooting for mysterious, she missed (she’s got confusing nailed down tight, though!)
~~Baloo
Baloo,
She sounds really mixed up. And no, 7 days is not too long, especially since she expressed no interest on the first date and showed up dressed like a slob. Doesn’t matter what she told Fwife. She’s effed up and not worth your trouble. Telling you “If I’m not busy” is really bitchy. If I guy I asked out told me that, I’d interpret it the same way you did - “If I don’t have anything better to do” - and recind the offer immediately.
You deserve to be treated much better.
No, seven days is not too long.
It sounds like she can’t be honest enough to tell Friend/Fwife for certain whether she’s interested or not, since the indications are not at all clear. Then again, your phone conversation with her does sound like a “not”–I agree that “if I’m not busy” is pretty off-putting, and if she is trying to get you to play mind reader, the hell with her. I don’t have a lot of patience for those kind of games.
It also sounds like the two of you didn’t have a lot of chemistry, so I’d say forget about her and don’t worry about it. Dating is, after all, an experimental process; if you go out with someone and don’t click, fine, keep moving.
I know that getting back into the dating scene after having been out for a long time can be pretty nerve-wracking, but you’re doing fine.