Is this a "date"? What do I do? OH GOD SO CONFUSED

In My Humble Opinion
21

For reasons describe above, yes it’s a date. But, that doesn’t mean you have to get all freaked out! I too met my first girlfriend online, and my first date was after she flew 16,000 miles to visit me! Talk about pressure! But, it all worked out fine and I’ve had dates since. Even if the worst happens, your life wont be ruined.

I would say you pick the venue, and offer to pick her up. If she says she will meet you there, then let that be that. Dont get her flowers or anything; you dont want to scare her with anything so lovey-dovey.

Since you are interested in this girl, I will tell you about the biggest threat to your chances with this woman: “The Friend Zone.” The Friend Zone, like the Twilight Zone, is a place that, once fallen into, is almost impossible to get out of. There are some who dont believe in ‘The Friend Zone,’ but mark my words it is real. Once she starts thinking of you as a ‘nice guy,’ and ‘such a good friend’ you are toast. If you find her saying “Oh I feel like I could tell you anything,” or "I dont feel pressure around you like those other guys,’ or things of those nature, then you are history my friend. History with a capital H. That vagina has been put in the lock-box, along with any chance of dating her.

You’ve been talking to her for 2 months online, but you haven’t said much about the nature of these conversations. Have they been friendly, flirty, or a mix of both? Have you ever said things to the like of "I cant wait until we meet in person… I think we’ll have a lot of fun together,’ (where fun is left ambigous and mysteriously flirty). Well, you may already be in the F-Zone and not know it, but there is hope, for you have not met in person yet.

When dating, you always want to be yourself; however, sometimes you have to put on a little show to stay out of the dreaded Friend Zone. Once this is no longer a danger, you can gradually loosen up the charade. This may sound hollow, but hey, dating is all a game, a dance we monkeys do to convince ourselves we’re more than mere apes. But I digress, my point is that during the first date, you want to be confident. You want to be funny and slightly cocky. Be slightly forward. Acting this way can be dangerous, and has a chance of ending things from the get-go, but IMO it’s much better to have loved and lost, than be forever stuck as ‘just good friends.’ The most important thing is that you want to let the girl know that you are a man, and not just any man, not some fawning floozy, infatuated by her feminine fire, but a strong man, a man she feels slightly threatened by, the little fear of letting go that allows a relationship to blossom.

With that said, try not to worry ^^;;

22

Here is Wikipedia’s take on ‘The Friend Zone.’. It has a point about women of other cultures perhaps behaving differently, but I think that’s grossly overstated. Anyway, I just posted it in case you wanted a reference, and it has some interesting links for further reading.

23

Thanks for all the advice so far guys. Your collective knowledge is very helpful.

I’ve heard this before, and it sounds like a good plan of action. But do you have any general examples of what being slightly “forward” might be like? Just so I have some idea of what I’m dealing with :wink:

24

Ah yes, I remember you leers :wink:

Thanks for the congrats, here’s hoping it goes well. I’ll call her tonight, after I hopefully figure out a good venue for us to go to.

25

Speaking of which, actually, anyone know of any good Pool Halls in the Berkley, CA area? Anyone? Anyone? Bueller?

26

While I’m not a member of this subculture community, nor do I necessarily believe everything they profess, this site has some good pointers on specific behavior for a first date.

Again from Wiki: The Seduction Community - not as sexist as it sounds

By being slightly forward, I mean that you want to show you’re in control. You want to pressure her just enough that she feels impressed, but not scared. For example, if she’s not good at pool, offer to show her how to hold the cue well. Slowly get behind her and position yourself as if to guide her. If she feels a little awkward, it’s ok to press on, however if she says no, then dont rush over there and insist on doing it.

One thing that the website mentions that I find to be supremely helpful are the ‘Negs,’ or backhanded-compliments. The bigger a jerk you are, the bigger risk you take, but also the larger influence the comment will make. If you want to play it safe, I’d limit the negs to comments she makes during conversation, or her pool playing, or something. Negging her looks can be a disaster if done wrong. A comment like “you’re pretty good at pool, for a girl,” is often great, as it usuallly develops into playful banter and feaux-sexism debates. She knows you’re not sexist, but the fact you’re willing to be cocky and joke about it is the whole point of what I’m trying to say.

Geez, with all this talk, I make it sound like I’m a dating expert. Sadly, while I may an expert observer and theorist, I dont have much practical experience, so YMMV.

27

Faux, not feaux. And speaking as a chick, I would find the stuff Autolycus suggested patronizing. It would not gain you any points with me, though I’m kind of a strange girl, so other girls may love it. No slur on you personally is intended, though, Autolycus.

I wouldn’t bring her a flower, but that’s just because I would find it a bit creepy from a guy I had just met in person. Other than that, there’s lots of good advice in this thread. Try to relax, remember it’s just a date; you don’t have to propose marriage or anything no matter how well this one date goes.

And let her grab your bits first. :smiley:

28

OMG I totally agree. Be polite, but don’t try to be anyone other than who you are, especially if you are not a professional actor. Unless, of course, you want to be with a girl who plays games. Really, I wouldn’t worry about reading any personality-altering magical advice. You post asked the right questions (who picks the place, etc), you have good answers. And I wouldn’t worry about the flowers, a simple “Its so nice to finally meet you in person” will get the point across.

(ETA: a gift of flowers will have more meaning a few dates later, to say “now that I do know you in person, I really do like you”)

29

Hmm…I lived by this philosophy for a long time, with the result that the women I went out with thought I was gay :(. It’s definitely possible to be not forward enough.

Daniel

30

It was a joke. But were you letting them know in any other way that you wanted grabbing? I have known some guys who, though they later indicated a move would be welcome, were so shy that I didn’t dare. Kind of a double standard, though, huh? Not that I subscribe to it, but it seems a lot of people do.

31

While this may be a touch hypocritical (not entirely, though), considering recent threads I may have authored, I will still toss in my two cents:

Be yourself. Try not to be nervous, but in all likelihood, you will be. It’s ok. You do the best you can, and it can work or it can’t. If it doesn’t, then she wouldn’t want to date you as you are, and as such, you shouldn’t be dating her. So you’ll be a bit nervous, but just try to enjoy yourself. I’d normally suggest asking fairly basic questions that can have detailed answers (like music/movie preferences and things like that) but you’ve had correspondence with this girl before, so you may already know stuff like that. If that’s the case, you should already have a good idea of what to talk about.

I say no crazy stuff, no theatrics. She already knows the part of you that comes through over the internet (which often isn’t terribly much), and she wants to meet the rest of you. I wish you the best of luck, but no matter the outcome, it’s just a date.

Another point I’ll touch upon is this: Just as she doesn’t know you much due to the fact that you’ve only talked over the intertubes, you don’t know her much either. So get to know her as you let her get to know you, and if you don’t think it would work, don’t force it. It may be difficult, but if you truly can’t see it working due to some large personality clash*, don’t take it any further even if she’s interested. However, the whole point of dating is to get to know someone, so the above advice is only if it’s blatantly obvious that it would never work. Most times, you like the person but can’t tell how it will pan out, so you get in the relationship and see what happens.

  • I can’t understate how unlikely I think this is. I’m talking about major, major incompatibilities here. I mean, if it turns out that you love cats and she hates them and that’s why she got a job as a suburban cat poacher, then you should probably just be friends.
32

You could try Jillians if you want to make the big, bad trek into the city! It’s down by the Metreon. And there’s nothing more romantic than a ride on BART. :wink: There’s a pool place down in Emeryville, near the World Food Market, or whatever its called. It’s decent, but not fancy.

33

Found a link for the Emeryville place: The Broken Rack. There’s a movie theatre and resturants nearby, so it might be a good choice if you find the billards not working out so well.

34

I just had to comment on this. There really are no definitive statements about relationships. There’s nothing wrong with taking as long as you feel is necessary to get to know someone and feel comfortable. Fearing that you may enter some imaginary no man’s land, the ‘friendship zone’, and acting accordingly by rushing yourself or her to prevent this, can be far more damaging to your romantic prospects.

As a woman who fell in love with a friend after ten years of platonic friendship, I can assure you that there are no such absolutes. Don’t procrastinate unnecessarily, don’t rush someone, try and pick up on the natural cues and even if you don’t, it’s not unknown for a woman to make the first move anyway!
:eek: :stuck_out_tongue:

35

Meet her there. That way if either of you is creeped out by the other, you won’t have that awkward ride home. Plus if she’s really a he, you can bail easier.

36

Yes, it’s a date.

A single flower might be nice, depending on how it feels to you. Not a red rose. Premature, and too cliche.

Suggest things but be open to feedback. “I thought we’d (whatever you have planned) and then get something to eat” is always better than “I dunno, what do you want to do?”

It is quite likely that she feels at least as awkward as you do. See if you can bring up things she mentioned in her e-mails, and get her talking. The more she talks, the better. Have three or four topics of conversation ready, and see which is interesting to both of you.

I repeat, yes, this is a date. An occasion in the search for a romantic partner, in other words. Thus, there may be a point in the date during which kissing is appropriate. Don’t lunge, and no tongue, but take the opportunity if it seems to be available. Not too suddenly; try to work up to it. Offer her your arm when you are walking places. This is a good intermediate between holding hands and shaking hands. Plus, sometimes your arm will rub up against her boob.

Okay, I am kidding about that last part. Probably.

Regards,
Shodan

37

This post brought to you by Ratner from Ridgemont High.

38

It’s definitely a date! I’d hold off on any gifts until a second date, but you could offer to pick up the tab. The main thing is to seem interested without seeming desperate. Relax and have fun. It’s a first date, not a Meeting of Soul Mates. And if it doesn’t work out with this woman, you’ve still taken the plunge. Go get ‘em, tiger!

I don’t think much of Autolycus’s advice. There’s a fine line between “confident” and “asshole.” If someone told me I played pool “pretty good for a girl,” he would not be seeing me twice. (Autolycus, I may be remembering incorrectly, but didn’t you say you haven’t had much luck with American women?)

Last piece of advice: ask her questions about herself. Show interest in her as a person, not just as a romantic figure. I’ve been out with guys who’ve treated me to an evening-long monologue about their excellence. I know they were trying to impress me, but I was not charmed. I felt like anybody with boobs would have gotten the exact same speech.

39

Hmm, well I called and left a message last night. She got back to me today (she also left a message) stating that she actually can’t make it this Friday, because she’s “working” until my proposed time and that she wants to go to a “friend’s house she hasn’t seen since she got back from vacation” afterward. She then said Sunday might work, or almost any other day of the week, and concluded with “Thanks for calling me.”

So I don’t know at this point; I’m thinking if she really were interested, she’d blow off the hanging out at friend’s house thing…but she did suggest other possible dates.

Meh, I’m not too hell bent on this either way. Should I call her back and set a different date, or just cut my losses? OneCentStamp may yet still be right about my Rush inspired username never getting me a date :wink:

40

Call her back! Make a date for Sunday. Red Barchetta, you’ve got to have a first date at some point.