Apparently, my role is to help men find happiness...

The BBQ Pit
1

…with someone else.

I dated a guy briefly over the summer…we got along splendidly and have a huge amount in common, but a month into it he freaked out and decided he wasn’t over his ex (10 months after they broke up; she is now living with someone else), and that he needed more time to sort out his feelings because he wasn’t ready to date anyone. A few months pass, during which we’ve been friends and hung out a fair amount, and provided much-needed support for each other through some fairly heavy stuff. A couple of weeks ago he decides he’s apparently ready to start dating again…and promptly hooks up with another friend of his.

Then, I had the weirdest ex-boyfriend weekend ever…on Saturday, I had lunch with an ex who’s in town for a conference, but mostly to interview for a job, which I couldn’t understand. He’s 3 years into both tenure review and the employment-based green card process, in an obscure field in which there are about 2 tenure-track openings every year in the U.S. Obviously, both the tenure and the green card are dependent on him staying put.

So I ask him, where are you interviewing, and why are you trying to make a job change at this rather crucial point? He tells me where (3000 miles away from where he is now), and well, because his WIFE lives there! I honestly think that if I hadn’t asked about the interview, he never would have mentioned the wife! (I wonder if he mentioned to her that he was going to meet with his ex-girlfriend?) They’ve apparently been married for at least a year. I’ve been in touch with him on at least a dozen occasions over the past couple of years, always asking how things are going for him, and he never mentioned anything! Maybe since she’s so far away, it slipped his mind.

And so I come home Sunday night from a friend’s house, to find that a guy I dated rather intensely for a few months, until we broke up just over a year ago, is now about to get married.

Now each of these events, in itself, would be slightly weird, but all three within such a short period of time? I’m seriously beginning to think there’s something about me that sends men running into the arms of other women. Or maybe there’s something about having dated me that makes men think about what they want. Yeah, that’s it, I’m just helping a few lost souls clarify their priorities…one friend suggested that if I’m going to be single, I might as well get rich by advertising: “Lonely? Find the girl of your dreams! Date **Eva Luna, ** and then break up with her!”

I’m trying to get back in the saddle, but AAAAAAARGH!

2

There’s nothing wrong with you. My guess is that you must project some sort of soothing, ‘not-gonna-hurt-you’ vibe that attracts men who otherwise are still too fresh from a break-up to risk the pain of dating. So they date you, but then quickly realize that they’re not over the ex, and head back to re-evaluate, leaving you high and dry. Which sucks for you.

However, this is still a good vibe to project if you’re looking for a long-term relationship, so you’ll just have to suffer these irritations until you find someone good. If you’re looking for more casual relationships, try hinting at various testicle injuries you’ve inflicted the first time you meet someone. That ought weed out the weak and fragile. :slight_smile:

3

My 2 cents. I give this advice to male friends but applies to you as well.

Stop being ‘friends’ with guys you are interested in! If they don’t want to date you then no being friends. Contrary to popular wishing, being a friend of someone you are interested in doesn’t help your case.

It actually hurts you in two ways. He is less likely to miss you and come back and while you are pining for him you are not concentrating on finding someone who is available to you.

JMHO

4

Thanks for the feedback, but I have a couple of thoughts in that department…

I have no wish to get back together with the last two guys on the list above, even if they weren’t already committed. :slight_smile:

And the “friends” angle sure seems to have worked for the woman who’s now dating the most recent guy (at least for the moment).

In general, my philosophy is that if you don’t have enough in common with someone to be friends, then why would you consider dating him? And if the dating stuff doesn’t work out, then why get rid of the friend, providing you don’t hate each other by then?

Although I have taken your last bit of advice; my Matches ad will be out in this week’s Reader. Bonus points to anyone who spots it and posts an excerpt here!

(FWIW, several friends concur with my opinion that Guy #1 isn’t completely history yet.)

5

Note that I said * Stop being ‘friends’ with guys you are interested in *

Perfectly ok, IMO, to be friends with guys you aren’t interested in.

6

I agree with andymurph64, although I would rephrase slightly: don’t allow yourself to fall into a just-friends role from the very beginning with the guys you are interested in. Make it clear when you start getting to know them that you are interested in them romantically. If they aren’t interested, you can fall back to a friendship role if you really want to, but then you’re free to focus your romantic attention on finding other people.

7

Wow Eva I have a similar effect on women.

In the course fo 10 years I have had 4 Move off to a “dream job”
2 because they were accepted into a very high ranking college in their field and 1 who moved away to manage a nice buisness that she inherited.

My friends joke and call me a “spring board to better things.”

Welcome to the club, drop me an e-mail and I shall get your membership card in the mail :slight_smile:

8

Well, the answer’s simple then - you and Eva must date each other. You’ll then either hook up together permanently, or else break up but find your true loves afterwards! Either way the curse will be broken. :smiley:

9

Well, I think the point is that it’s difficult to move someone from the “friends” zone into the “more than” zone if the friendship has been going on for a while. Obviously, I’m not going to say that it never happens (particularly not in a thread that Eva Luna is reading because she happens to have a wee bit too much info about my dating history), but it isn’t easy.

I was once a NiceGuy who would always try to befriend and get to know the women I was interested in really well before making my move, but what I ended up with was “oh, you’re such a good friend, I’d hate to spoil that.” (These were often, ironically, the same girls who would get weepy during When Harry Met Sally about how “they were best friends first, and then they fell in love, and that’s just how it should be sniff”. To this day, I have a grudge against that film because it gave a lot of NiceGuys a lot of false hope that the friend they were pining for would one day realize that the NiceGuy was the one they had really been looking for all this time.) I eventually realized that there was no future in that.

10

I broke up with the guy I was dating to go out with the Nice Guy that I’d befriended. He’s still my best friend, and now he’s my husband. However, he didn’t really hide the fact that he was attracted to me - he kept it to a minimum so that I wasn’t uncomfortable, but he knew that I was having second thoughts about my boyfriend at the time. So as a hint for the Nice Guys (who don’t have other problems), don’t act asexual around the female friends you’re interested. (Don’t jump all over them either.)

Oh, I have had a really good friendship ruined after we had sex. I only figured out later that this meant he wasn’t worth my time and friendship.

11

Say, Eva, how YOU doin’? :wink: (I seem to have the same effect on women as you do on men, BTW.)

12

jeevmon, you mean you’re not a NiceGuy anymore? Won’t **jeevgurl ** be disappointed when I tell her? (Actually, I think she’d just laugh hysterically at your SDMB name for her.) And FTR, you are specifically exempted from my door prize for finding my ad, since you’ve already seen it. (And the When Harry Met Sally bit; didn’t they hate each other’s guts in the beginning? Or am I misremembering?)

But seriously, why is it that so many Nice Guys think that nice = asexual? I’m friends with waaaaay too many guys like that; some of them haven’t had even a date in so long that they’ve become honorary virgins once again. I like FerretHerder’s idea. Don’t be a jerk, but remember that there are ways to let a woman know you find her attractive without twisting her boobs like faucet knobs.

Given, there is certainly a point after which moving someone out of the Friend Zone generally becomes unthinkable; I certainly have male friends for whom it would practically feel like incest. My most recent guy, however, certainly doesn’t fall into that category, no matter how much we have in common as friends. Partly this is because we were looking at each other from a romantic attraction standpoint originally, rather than strictly as friends, and partly it’s because there simply hasn’t been enough friend-water under the bridge since he started seeing someone else. We may or may not reach the point of not having any sexual tension between us, even if we never again act on it (and again, I’m not at all convinced it’s now the end of our romantic history; he’s still very much on the rebound), but for now, it’s definitely there. Communicating with him without acknowledging it still feels very much like ignoring the elephant in the room.

Oh, and Osip, where are you in Alabama? I’ve got a couple of friends there; maybe the wife knows some nice girl to fix you up with…

13

jeevgurl knows that I can be the NiceGuy when required (like meeting her parents) and turn it off when needed. But in case I haven’t said it enough Eva, thank you for jeevgurl.

I think the answer to the question about why NiceGuys think that nice = asexual is that so many DreamGirls complain to them about how all the guys they meet are only interested in one thing. The NiceGuy (who, remember, is sexually attracted to DreamGirl) tries to be different by appearing to not be interested in that thing, or to be interested in more than just that thing. I think Chandler on Friends said it best when he translated “let’s just be friends” to “I’m going to date leather-wearing alcoholics and complain about them to you.”

14

Eva, have you tried following The Rules for Marriage?

15

I disagree. Logically that is sound but, in reality, the guy (or woman) will still pine and lose ego/energy/time that should have been used to find someone available.

It’s not as damaging as ‘the one’ philosophy. * she/he is the one for me, there is no other *. That one is a killer.

16

You’re joking, right? You are seriously suggesting that a diehard feminist like myself, who believes in total honesty and not playing games with people, learn to play hard-to-get?

(And the link to what “The Rules” actually are doesn’t seem to be working, but I’ve certainly read articles about this book in the past, and leafed through it in a bookstore out of curiosity. I think it’s complete and utter crap, and extremely dishonest.)

17

Even better; I just followed the link on their site to Artciles. Apparently Laura Bush and multiple members of Destiny’s Child are supposed to be my role models. I think I’d rather stay single and spend Saturday nights curled up on my couch with a good book and my cat.

18

When I saw the thread title I thought “You know, that’s just what I’ve been thinking 'cept about woman rather than men”. Reading the thread I see it’s a common thought. Hell I don’t even need to date them I just need to think “Hmm, maybe there’s something between us here” and bang next thing I know she’s off with some other dude. Half the time some dude that I’ve been instrumental in introducing her to. ::sigh::

It is difficult and perhaps counter productive but still I find that good friends are a rare commodity and not something to be thrown away lightly. Perhaps it’s not for every situation but I would never make a blanket rule. Of course there’s a very real danger of being taken advantage of, but that’s where your other friends come in and point out that you’re being a numpty.

Generally I feel that a) they’re probably not interested in me and b) I don’t want to freak 'em out I always try to err well on the side of gentlemanly conduct. I dunno, maybe that’s where I’m going wrong. Perhaps I shall try being a little more open next time.

Thanks Eva for starting this thread, good to know other people feel the same way. I tend to think “Ah well, at least they’re happy”, I’m sure the right person will come along for all of us (who haven’t already found them) at some point.

SD

19

Well, lest you think opinion on Dude #1 is unanimous, jeevmon is certainly giving me pieces of his mind when he feels it appropriate. He’s just been kind enough so far not to do it in a public forum such as this one, for which I am grateful.

I agree with you completely, though, about not dropping friends lightly.

20

Well, here I am.
Where’s my happiness?
…
[taps foot and looks at watch]
…
Nu?