WHy can't I like the nice, stable ones, dammit?

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

OK, it’s not mundane or pointless (at least to me), but I must share with someone…just got home from my first date in many months, with a bonafide Nice Jewish Boy (date #1 of the 20-some responses to my Reader ad). We have a ridiculous amount of stuff in common; I’ve got some pretty darn eclectic tastes and interests, and he has most of the same ones. Heck, neither of us is living in the state where we attended grad school, and not only was it the same grad school and nearly the same program, but his thesis advisor is one of my absolute favorite human beings, and I’ve been to her house for Seder. He’s smart, nice, polite, seems to bathe regularly, and his response to my ad was by far the most thoughtful and generally promising out of the bunch. We had a very nice talk on the phone before we agreed to meet in person…but as my friend Kim would say, “el no tiene salsa.”

…so dammit, why can’t I be attracted to him? or anyone like him? Why, instead, am I still thinking about my most recent ex, with whom I hit it off instantly (our first date ran 23 hours)? OK, he also had a lot going for him (polite, good listener, amazing cheekbones!, also many similar interests), but he also had some pretty serious issues which lurk not terribly far below the surface. I now realize that if we’d made a serious go of it, one or both of us would probably have ended up being miserable in the long run, but dammit, I miss him on so many levels! And he sure ain’t the first guy I’ve pined away for who would have been a really bad idea; definitely the nice Muslim boy from the North Caucasus takes the cake in the inappropriate department. Nor was tonight’s date the first guy who I wish I could be attracted to, but wasn’t.

Is it terribly shallow of me? Am I fundamentally screwed up? Why didn’t I click with this guy, and why didn’t I have that wobbly-kneed feeling with my ex of 7 years ago, the one who everyone liked and who was sweet to me? Not to fulfill my guy friends’ constant suspicions that women only like men who are either jerks or bad for them, but why does this keep happening? And will it continue to happen, or is there something I can do to change who I’m attracted to? Aaaaargh!

2

You haven’t met me yet? :smiley:

But seriously, you may want to go for less love at first sight and try seeing someone like Nice Jewish Boy for more than one date to see if something develops.

3

Eva,

Oh man, is this one rich for me.

When i was in college i was one of those “bad guys” that loved em and left em, i was a booze swillin’, school slackin’, dope smokin’, roack band frontin’, load of trouble. and as a result of this: I GOT LAID ALL THE TIME. by nice girls, respectable girls, education majors, violinists, sopranos, etc… for some reason they couldn’t get enough. and neither could i :slight_smile:

Now, some four years older, and later, I’m much mellowed, rarely drink, rarely to never smoke pot, trying to quit smoking, steady job, lost 30 pounds, bike 15 miles a day, really into the idea of committment and a real relationship, flatter myself to think that i’m pretty damn presentable and by most standards: a pretty damn good catch…
and hows the love life…?
::::::crickets::::::
yup.
All of my female firends are still dating alcoholic artists (or women, or both). And when i did finally get find somebody i though was sane AND interested, I find out (after we moved in together last year) she wasn’t so sane as I might have hoped: Bi-polar, complusive cheater, alcoholic, spoiled daddy’s girl, moved out in the middle of our lease after scheating on me, left me paying both of our rent- cuz she decided she didn’t like chicago, and her dad offered her a job in toronto…

And if she came home tomorrow… i’d take her back cuz I am a putz. She still IMs me regularly just to make sure i haven’t gotten over her or anything, all the while fucking everything in toronto wth two legs.

But its been four months, and I try to date, both thru on-line personals and thru people i meet IRL, and they all bore me. Met a perfectly sane, cute, slightly older, employed, stable chick with good taste in music, and similar politics, we have drinks, and I couldn’t stop comparing her to the ex in my head. This has happened twice.

And on the off chance i do meet somebody I’d like to get to know, they’re stuck on some tragic artsy ex who treats them like shit. (hey… like I am!!!)

It’s all very cyclical, and very viscious. an I want off. now damnit.

But i feel your pain.
Chris

4

I suspect attractions are inherently complementary, not supplementary. That is to say, set up so weak points in one person are balanced by strong points in the other.

A sane person is attracted to a crazy one, so that they balance out.

Needless to say, I find this theory rather depressing, and I’d like to be proven wrong.

I wonder if shrinks have ever done studies on this sort of question?

5

That’s why whenever I think about love or relationships or women in general, I hit myself in a pressure point. The whole deal blows. Forget it. Become a nun. No one suspects the nun.

6

Nope, I can’t agree with this one. Otherwise I would have a sane one by now. :wink:

Lok

7

You’re going to get a lot of responses to this one. I’m in Bad Hat’s boat here; used to be seriously wild (if that’s not an oxymoron), have since mellowed out, and the love life is…

::crickets::

And I have had SO MANY women pass me over for the wild men who will (and did) mistreat them, lie to them, run around on them, and so on and so on. It used to frustrate me, but now I chalk it up to some strange trait in the women that makes them go after guys who are terrible for them, and which would, I feel sure, cause trouble for us in the long run. In other words, it’s a time-saver for me.

But really, give Lok’s advice a try and give the guy another chance, or several. And please don’t tell him you’re “giving him another chance”; you’ll put him on the spot.

Good luck!

8

While discussing my tumultuous love life with my favorite college professor, who happened to be my first psych professor, she told me about a study she had read somewhere that looked at what part of the brain fired when different emotions were solicited. (I looked for a cite on google, but my search was too broad) The “fear” and “love” responces were almost indistinquishable. It makes sort of sense, evolutionarily, these would be the most important emotions for survival and proceration. So it makes sense that they would develop out of the same area of the brain. (My basic grasp of neurochemistry would lead me to believe this is all taking place in the amygdala, but I could be wrong) But these responces were indistingquishable to the researchers. Which, my professor, said, made HER feel better about always falling for the bad boys. It’s not our fault, we’re really just afraid of them, and we mistake it for love. Damned bad wiring.

However, you can’t invent The Spark. And if it ain’t there, it ain’t. I was faced with a similar dilema last year, except it was a good male friend of mine who told me he had feelings for me. This guy is, unquestionably, the nicest fellow I’ve ever met. And he’s good looking. And tall. (I’m 5’ 9", being taller than me is no small feat) But there was NOTHING there. And so I let him down. Since then, he’s fallen madly in love, and my friendship with him has only gotten stronger. We’ve talked about his having feelings for me, and I told him the truth – I was convinced that I would have ended up using or hurting him, and our friendship would have been destroyed. I don’t regret not hooking up with him, he’s like my brother now. But I sometimes wonder if I was an idiot for not snapping up one of the good single late 20-somethings. Usually I decide I’m not, and I trust my insincts.

Of course, this from the girl who keeps falling for a dark eyed dangerous guy who has a habit of deciding he wants me RIGHT before he moves. Last time he was leaving the country for three months; this time he’s moving 3000 miles away to go to school. But I’m going to go for it. I once said something to this very gentleman about being afraid of getting hurt ALL the time, and he said “That is a very good way to lead a life you’ll regret. You can live life, and take risks and put yourself out there, or you can stay at home and read a book and be secure that you’re safe.” And he’s right, I think. Do whatever (or whomever) feels RIGHT in your gut. As for myself, a short-lived, passionate affair with a dark-eyed punker is preferable to the Whole Lotta Nothing going on with the rest of my love life.

Good luck, let us know what you end up deciding.

9

Second paragraph. He’s fallen madly in love with SOMEONE ELSE. I guess insomniatic posting isn’t the best idea…

10

If you really, really, really want to know the answer to this question…

Order the book Recovering Love by Dr. J. Richard Cookerly.

If you keep picking people who hurt you, it’s because you are looking for people who will hurt you. Read this book and find out how to break this cycle.

(And this is not some “pulled out of his ass” theory like a lot of self-help books - it’s based on good solid research plus a massive amount of practical experience)

11

'cos you forgot the third descriptor – we’re boring, too.

12

lno, you are one of the most un-boring people I’ve barely met. :slight_smile: And I don’t know if you noticed, but I was drooling all over you at the Chi-dope. There’s a woman for you out there, and she’s not the kind to pick losers.

13

Hmmmm, seeing as I’m a Jewish agnostic who actually enjoys sex, I can see a few roadblocks with the nun thing. It was a nice try, though.

Seriously, guys (and I mean that in the gender-inclusive sense), I haven’t given up on the Nice Jewish Boy. It was a first date, after all; maybe I’m just better at hiding how awkward I feel than he is. (And he was GREAT in writing, and no slouch on the phone.) I’d probably go out with him again, but I will also contact some of the other ad responses I got.

FTR, none of my exes have been particularly wild “bad boys,” just wrong for me in some pretty fundamental ways. I don’t smoke or do drugs, rarely drink, and am not generally attracted to people who a) do any of these things, or b) are wildly promiscuous. They do, however, generally turn out to have different relationship priorities, and I do tend to let things drag on waaaaaay longer than they should before I stick a knife in it (or before he dumps me first). Thanks for your thoughts, though, and please keep 'em coming.

14

Hmmmm, seeing as I’m a Jewish agnostic who actually enjoys sex, I can see a few roadblocks with the nun thing. It was a nice try, though.

Seriously, guys (and I mean that in the gender-inclusive sense), I haven’t given up on the Nice Jewish Boy. It was a first date, after all; maybe I’m just better at hiding how awkward I feel than he is. (And he was GREAT in writing, and no slouch on the phone.) I’d probably go out with him again, but I will also contact some of the other ad responses I got.

FTR, none of my exes have been particularly wild “bad boys,” just wrong for me in some pretty fundamental ways. I don’t smoke or do drugs, rarely drink, and am not generally attracted to people who a) do any of these things, or b) are wildly promiscuous. They do, however, generally turn out to have different relationship priorities, and I do tend to let things drag on waaaaaay longer than they should before I stick a knife in it (or before he dumps me first). Thanks for your thoughts, though, and please keep 'em coming.

15

That sounds like a really good idea. My approach to a first date the last few years is to try to answer the question “Is this someone I’d like to have a second date with?” not “Is this someone I want to spend the rest of my life with?” JMHO.

16

Re-reading my post from last night, I came across as a lot more bitter than i think i really am. I’m not terribly mad at the ex, i point out her “issues” more to bolster the point that- yes seems like we do tend to seek out people who are wildly inappropriate for us.

When I was a “bad boy”, the “good girls” loved me, and now that i fancy myself a responsible “good guy”, i find that a) now i end up with the fucked-up bad girls, and wishing that i liked the good girls or that they like me.

Theres actually some clinical basis for this (or so my mom’s shrink tells her). Apparently adult children of alcoholics (that would be me- and probably a lot of us, actually) tend to gravitate towards “projects”, or people who are fucked up and need to be “saved” or fixed. Its phenomenally unhealthy, and i am starting to see it in myself and starting try and active avoid it.

I also agree with Swimming and some others of you that its better to get out and live and take some chances than to pine on the computer and lament a lack of love life, but I’m also starting to realize that living and taking chances doesn’t have anything to do (in my case anyway) with dating a lot, or casual sex.

To paraphrase some ol’ feminist or other: “yes it is better to be with the wrong person than to have nothing at all, but its a pretty sad to think that without a lover you have nothing at all.” In other words, i’m finding that the les of my time i spend dwelling on my lack of love life (this thread and a couple of others over the last few months), and the more time i spend just enjoying myself, biking, going to shows, workin’ hard… the happier i am with or without a relationship, and by extension, its a fairly reasonable truism that happy active peple are just plain more attractive that whiny people who still brood about an ex what done 'em wrong.

5 years ago, if i had gotten dumped, standard operation procedure would have been: must get laid, sublimate hurt feelings thru fling with someone who is WILDLY innappropriate for me. and i would have continued with the stupid flings with interns, substance abusers, illicit affairs, etc until one of then inadvertantly turned into the next “relationship”.

It doesn’t really give one time to make any sense of things, nor to live life in a clear-headed way. So instead, after the last debacle, nistead of getting out ther immediately and trying to date again, i’m just enjoying myself, and doing things that are independant of my relationship status. I’m having a “me” summer, as a friend of mine is calling it.

Hope this is still relevant to the OP and not a total hijack…

CJ

17

BadHat, it’s not just children of alcoholics, it’s anyone who grew up in an abusive household. I was a “fixer” and the strongest drug consumed in our house was nicotine (well, alcohol got consumed occasionally, but not with any regularity) But my father was somewhat emotionally abusive. It wasn’t until I realized that I was trying to fix my father through my romantic relationships that I was able to break out of the cycle. Now I have a great guy who doesn’t need “fixing” - because I deserve to have someone who is as loving and emotionally together as I am.

18

I feel right at home here: I was the Wild Child, and really loved the bad boys. Now I am a reformed Wild Child (read severe heart-break and growing up) who gasp still loves the bad boys.

I have decided two things for my self in recent months:

  1. To thine own Self be true (Thanks to Willie the Shake for that wisdom). I am now dating a wonderful human being - me! I go on romantic walks with myself, and I’m great company when I need to clean house. (Okay, the sex is somewhat one-sided :wink: )

  2. When I am ready to risk me heart again, I will look - actively - for a reformed bad boy. One who is now stable, but remembers what it felt like not to be. And sometimes shudders at the thought. (But only sometimes. As I said, the sex is a little one-sided just now.)

But hey, in the meantime, Eva Luna et al, keep your chin up. For a laugh (and a not-so-gentle reminder), read The Rules. Not because you have to follow them slavishly (Goddess knows I don’t!!) but because the fundamental point is to value yourself highly, so that whomever he is, he will too.

19

hey Sin how YOU doin’? :smiley:

(incidentally i think its funny that we both characterize ourselves as reformed "wild child"s and yet still identify ourselves w screen names that imply our “wild” or "bad"ness…)
CJ

20

I know exactly how you feel. I broke up with my last very nice, loving, caring boyfriend because he was was too unexciting, too committed, and I just didn’t want that. I have passed several very nice, very interested guys by because I just wasn’t attracted to them. I’m now with a guy who I doubt is faithful, but he is so much fun to be around! And the way he kisses me makes me just want to melt into him. He’s definately not a good influence on me, yet I chose him over so many others.