I came from a GREAT childhood, and I am was a big time fixer. First (and last, incidently) major relationship I’ve had was with an alchoholic in denial. Best childhood friend was in and out of rehab continually, attempted suicide 4 times that I know of. And it’s because I feel needed when I’m “helping” them. Except eventually I clue into the fact that I’m not helping anyone, I’m enabling their behavior, and I’m getting NOTHING in return. So now I’m uber-careful about giving more of myself then I get in return. If I am putting more energy into a relationship, friendship or romantic, then I am getting out of it, it needs to end. Course, my dad’s a shrink, and I’m a shrink-in-training, so maybe that’s where this all comes from. Stupid need to help people. Feh.
Well, Mr. Nice Jewish Boy just e-mailed me and wants to go to the movies later this week. I probably will…wish me luck!
And you sir, are the kind of guy guys like me despise. 
But seriously, this thread is a downer. So are all you women saying that becoming manipulative/untrustworthy/unfaithful/unavailable/unable to commit/unemployed/ and/or unstable is the way to attract you? Is it honestly that a nice, calm, attentive, considerate, and stable person is not attractive, or is it just that you haven’t met one who’s a good kisser? If it’s the former, it’ll be one lonely life for me. sigh
Oh God, if I thought all the good kissers out there were psychological disasters, I’d definitely be depressed enough to be committed to a psychiatric facility by now! The problem seems to be IME that all the “good ones” are a) my platonic male friends, or b) I’m not attracted to them physically or emotionally, for whatever reason. I’ve just been doing some serious soul-searching in an attempt to figure out why this is the case (i.e. why I’m attracted to guys who, although they seem in the beginning to be nice, decent folks, turn out to be dogs because of issues I should have seen upfront or very early on).
Of course, all the qualities that you mention are what I’m consciously looking for, but sometimes I think my subconscious has other ideas. Of course, if I had seen the train wreck coming, I wouldn’t have dated the guy in the first place. I’d like to think I’m a reasonably intelligent and perceptive person, though, so why don’t I see it coming? I always do when it’s my friends in analogous situations…
I’m a real jerk and I can’t get a date. What am I doing wrong?
Ah crap - I’m a nice, stable, caring 24 year old guy and I don’t think I’m particularly attractive (don’t get me wrong, I’m pretty sure every girl’s looking for that 5’8" guy who weighs 115 lbs., har har). And I haven’t had a date or a girlfriend since 1998.
On the other hand, maybe I’m not too stable.
just to give all of you hope out there…i’m the stable kind of person who’s not wild, and i have a wonderful SO who’s also stable and not wild (except where it counts! ;-), so there’s someone out there for y’all! i’ll definitely go for the “be me for a while” deal…once i was happy being with myself, i was more attractive to other people. but i can’t speak to everyone who’s attracted to self-destructed relationships, since i fortunately don’t have any experience there
just some words of encouragement
Bad Hat You are my current SO! Well, not literally, but pretty much the same idea.
And I love him dearly.
I’m a recovering “I only like bad men” woman. I know its frusterating, but the idea about reading the Rules to get the idea of self respect and dating yourself for a bit are a decent start. Love you as you, delight in everything that is you, then work on finding someone to love you.
SO and I were friends for a good year before we got romantic. In that year we both wiped off the self respect problems we had. He stopped smoking and sleeping around as recreation and decided that the next one he’d go out with was going to be
[Hijack]
Eva do you happen to live in Idaho?
Sure remind me of someone I used to chat with there!
[/hijack]
I think I should intentionally become unstable, just to attract females.
A couple more points:
No, I don’t live in Idaho. Closest I ever got was about 24 hours in Wyoming. (For an ex’s wedding, but that’s a saga for another day, and not because he was an ex. Actually, we’re good friends.)
Guys, PLEASE don’t take my experiences as a license, or even a suggestion, to become unstable and/or mainpulative if you aren’t already, or to sleep around or otherwise be a jerk! (And if you’re going to go out in the rain, wear a raincoat!)
I was kind of hoping for more stories along the lines of “I used to be attracted to jerks, but I’ve reformed and I have this wonderful S.O., and here’s how I realized what was going on deep inside my head and adjusted my thinking accordingly,” or “back when I was a jerk, I did stuff to women that I’m sorry about now, but now I’ve grown up and learned how to treat women and treat myself, and my life is great.” OK, perhaps it was an unrealistic wish, but a girl can always hope, right?
So besides the relatively obvious, like growing up in an alcoholic or neglectful home, what makes people attracted to “fixer-upper” guys? OK, maybe my parents are divorced, but my childhood wasn’t exactly hell; if half of American marriages end in divorce, shouldn’t that mean that ariound half of women are as confused and lost as I am? Or hey, maybe they are, and that’s why society is getting more screwed up with each passing decade? Theories, anyone?
Unstable men may attract females, but they don’t keep 'em.
Eonwe (and everyone else who expressed similar sentiments, but I have met Eonwe), you are really cool. A girl will indeed fall for you, and you will be capable of keeping her happy, unlike many of the “bad boys” out there.
Can’t really answer that first question, or else I would be making a lot of money doing something besides driving a forklift.
But something to remember about half of marriages ending in divorce. My mother was married 3 times, , my sister 2, my mother’s younger sister is on her 3rd, one cousin is on her 3rd, her sister finished her 4th. My mother’s older brother may be getting married soon for the 2nd time, but that will be more for estate purposes. So that is 12 divorces out of 16 (or 17 if my uncle does marry) marriages. Everyone of them contributing to that “half of all marriages” statistic.
To be fair, my mom’s oldest brother and his 3 sons have all only been married once, none divorced. And mom’s oldest sister is still married to the same man. But all of her kids have been divorced at least once, and one I know of 3 times.
And just to keep this somewhat on topic, guess what kind of guy most of the men involved in the marriages were.
Of course, at family get togethers, they look at me and ask why I am not married yet. :rolleyes:
Lok
Can’t keep 'em till you attract 'em.
Thanks for the compliment!
But, as spooje says, you can’t keep something you don’t have. I’ve had the experience a couple of times when someone has basically communicated that I was not exciting enough. Now, I’m a musician, love the outdoors, can be reasonably athletic, and enjoy a wide varieties of hobbies and activities. But… I’ve also got a steady job and can’t be out late every night during the week. So, I’ve got less time for play than some people.
Basically, and maybe this just happens to be the girls I meet, but based on this thread I’m not so sure, it seems girls are looking for a guy to party with, and who will keep them on the edge of their seats as far as what’s going to come next in the relationship, good or bad.
Now, I’m not trying to sound pathetic, and definitely don’t feel that I have no prospects as far as relationships, but it is a huge challenge when most of the women I know seem to go for guys who don’t seem to care for them nearly as much as they should, because they’re too busy stroking their own egos.
i’m brand new, have been trying to register for months. this is my test post but i liked the topic. i’ll be back if this works.
I’ve got the same problem. I always end up with the psychos, end up falling for them and try my damnest to help them, be there for them and what not. Granted my problem is that they NEVER seem like that in the beginning… They hide it well until I start falling for them, then I get this wild soul crushing ride.
Then I get dumped for semi-employed drugaddicts who live at home and like to slap women around.
A good friend of mine explained over drink what I’d long suspected.
Women like assholes. Sure, they all WANT nice guys, but that can wait until they want to settle down, but for the time being they want assholes.
Then the few women I do meet that I like and seem mostly normal are all taken!
Well, I like nice, stable boys. At least I think I would if any of them ever came my way. They just don’t seem to like me, dammit.
I can usually manage to avoid the obvious psychos (“Hi! I have five ex-wives and I just got out of prison! I think you are beautiful!”) but what do you do with the ones who seem halfway stable until you’re actually dating them, or worse yet, until they break your heart?
Hell if I know; that’s what I’m trying to figure out. If I had known how to avoid the last one, or not to let myself fall in deeper at the first inkling of instability, I wouldn’t have fallen as hard as I did and then spent the first week of January (which was supposed to be our vacation together, but he dumped me first; oh well…) lying, paralyzed with depression, on my sofa, staring at the ceiling, barely unable to eat or bathe.
(And you—you know who you are—if you’re reading this, not that I haven’t already told you all of this, I am frustrated with you, but I don’t hate you, in fact I miss you as a friend, and wish we could find some way to be friends and deal with each other. And BTW, I do remember your username, and see that you haven’t posted in quite a while, but suspect you may be lurking out there somewhere.) And both my ex and I met some of you Chicago Dopers briefly last summer before I ever visited the SDMB, but we had to leave quickly, and I suck at remembering peoples’ names.
I did have a few hints early on that something of this nature might happen, but I am probably waaaay too willing to give people the benefit of the doubt, especially if I’m wildly attracted to them and/or if they acknowledge their issues and are trying to resolve them. How do I determine where to draw the line?
Man, do I get that. “Uh, maybe because I grew up watching all of you go through spouses as fast as I go through bottles of shampoo?”