Well, I got it again last night. The “friends” speech, with the latest twist that’s sweeping the nation, the “spark” talk. Apparently I’m a nice guy, smart, funny, handsome and fun to be with, but I don’t “spark.” After approximately three hours in my presence, gay men are evidently able to determine that there is no possibility ever in any possible future that romantic feelings might develop.
Guys, you know what sparks? Flint and steel. Sorry that I don’t come off as hard and cold and metallic, or stony, but shouldn’t warmth count for something? Maybe from warmth will come combustion, but that’s something you’ll never know because if you don’t get the instant gratification of “spark” then you’re on to the next, disposing of me in your wake and salving your conscience by pretending like you want to be “friends” and absolving yourself by trumpeting your “honesty.”
Fuck you, fuck your “friendship” and fuck your “honesty.” If I’m so handsome, smart, funny and nice then maybe it might be worth risking another three hours of your time, or even six. You know, go out with me two or even three times before sweeping me onto the trash pile?
And if I could make one request…if there’s no “spark,” then please don’t spend an hour making out with me, take off your clothes and invite me into your bed. It’s confusing to hear there’s no “spark” when I’ve already had your hard cock in my hand.
I’m not going to trot out tired homilies about the right guy coming along or anything like that. But I’ll will say that if we were closer, I’d go out with you.
First, was this a date or a trick? If it was a date, be grateful for the honesty and move on. If it was a trick, then be grateful for the sex–“sparks” are not part of the deal.
But why should he? Nobody owes you any time merely because you want it.
Besides, why cling to someone who has already indicated that for whatever reason, you’re not the one? Surely you deserve better.
Relationships happen because each person complements the other, not because one partner demands the other’s attention.
Just be grateful for each person you meet, be good to yourself, and the right guy WILL show up.
Otto, I know it’s frustrating and lonely. Sometimes it feels like you’re a fish stuck swimming upstream, constantly struggling with nothing to show for it. I guess all we can do is keep hoping. Or jump off a bridge. Whichever.
And kung fu lola just dashed in to help us see the difference. Otto, I’m sorry to hear you’re having such a rough time with this latter-day “it’s not you, it’s me” pap. That spark bullshit is just cold, especially after gratifying sack-time. And only one date – sounds like this asshole got just what he wanted, and ended up taxing you for the effort.
Call him in three weeks and say your pecker’s got a new crown of cauliflower. That’ll provide some spark.
Six Feet Under! I knew I’d heard “spark” somewhere before!
The episode “In the game”:
David had a blind date with a firefighter who told him he felt no spark. David says the same to Ben in this episode, even though he doesn’t believe it, just to keep himself from getting hurt again.
I know exactly what that feels like, as I went through it many times myself. Everyone had these wonderful compliments but just wanted to be friends. I could never understand the whole “You are a really great guy but…” If I’m so great, I thought, why don’t you want to date me.
I finally gave up looking for Mr. Right and just decided to try to find some interesting people to become friends with. One of the friends that I met, ended up being the person that I have been with for the last year. It always comes when you least expect it. And the nice perk is that we were already really good friends when we decided to take the next step and become more serious. We already knew that we were compatable.
Date. Dinner at a restaurant, conversation on substantive topics, the whole date bit.
OK, I’m not saying that anyone “owes” me anything. Nor am I “clinging” to anyone. What I am saying is that it gets very tiresome to continue to hear from men who are supposedly interested in committing themselves to someone for the long term dismiss someone (in this case me) who they find handsome, funny, smart, etc. so quickly. I think that gay men who claim to be relationship-minded have very unrealistic expectations of what looking for a relationship means. I don’t know if this is exclusively a gay male thing or a short attention span thing or what; I’m just glad that my parents didn’t dismiss each other for lack of “spark” because then I wouldn’t be here and they wouldn’t have celebrated their 44th anniversary in July.
Exactly. And there are guys who I have declined to continue seeing because we didn’t complement each other. Thing is, I gave us a chance to see whether we complemented each other beyond a few hours. And I’m not “demanding” anything from anyone, including attention. I’m suggesting that maybe I wouldn’t see so many people online and elsewhere bitching about how hard it is to find a decent guy to have a relationship with if they weren’t so fucking quick to dismiss.
Maybe I’m hopelessly naive about relationships. Maybe every other gay man in America has the ability to know instantly that there’s no possible chance that anything could possibly develop between them and another person. I don’t have that ability, but I’ll throw it open to the floor. Did those of you in long-term relationships know basically upon first sight that this was “the one” or did you actually have to put the effort of a second or even a third date into it?
Hmmm…the word “spark” makes me think these guys are really looking for a party animal type. Someone who lives for the nightlife and wants to boogie with abandon. And it sounds like you are looking for a more substantial relationship. Maybe that’s why they’re giving you the brush-off. Is there somewhere you can meet men who aren’t into the club scene and just want to settle down? When I was a single girl I always met people through other people. Maybe you can tell your friends to fix you up?
I think one of the biggest problems with the online thing is that people place their expectations way too high. They give a list of 100 things that they want the other person to match exactly, and discard anyone who isn’t an exact match. It’s all so superficial. We’ve all seen the " I’m looking for someone between the ages of 23-25, between 5’8 and 5’9, no more than 140 pounds. Must be a vegetarian, no drinking, smoking, swearing, coughing, sweating, pets, etc… Must like Anime and Blugrass music. Should be located within 5-7 miles of my house and have a job that brings in at least 100K. Must be HOT!!! If you don’t fit this description, sorry, not interested.
Of course, then you look at their profile and they are 53 years old, 5’7 and 245 pounds and a janitor and you think, “Hmm, maybe you are setting your goals just a little too high there.”
That is why I think it is always a better approach to find someone that you really relate to on a friendship level first. Takes all the pressure off and you never know what may come. And the worst that can happen is that you make a bunch of new friends.
Oh, and I didn’t get sex. We made out with the understanding that there would be no sex on the first date, but he then invited me into his bed where there was nudity and touching but no sex.
Which is fine, I also don’t demand sex on the first date and respect other people’s limits. But if you know after three hours that you don’t want to try to develop a relationship, then keep your damn pants on.
Which reminds me of the last time someone invited me to get naked in his bed and then called thereafter to give the friends speech. His line was “you’re more attracted to me than I am to you,” indicating that he was in fact attracted to me. Why that doesn’t qualify as “spark” is beyond me, but then I don’t watch “Six Feet Under” (they’re lifting their dump lines from a TV show?).
I’m sorry; I didn’t mean to offend you, Otto. I just needed some more info.
Well, I, at least, do not believe in any such critter as “the One.” We’re talking about relationships, not The Matrix. There are simply levels of compatibility, and although I’m quite content with my partner, if we were to break up tomorrow, I’m sure I’d find other guys with whom I could be equally compatible.
We met, oddly enough, at a leather bar. I cruised him and took home, where we made the walls shake. And, no, I didn’t think he was The One. I just enjoyed his company and wanted to see him again. So we did, and we had fun, and so we decided to have another date, and then another, and now we’ve been together for two and a half years. That’s how it works. It’s like ascending a staircase: on each floor, you decide if you like the other person enough to see him again. Then you get closer, and closer, and closer, and then you end up in love.
But if i hadn’t enjoyed his company and he mine, then we would not have had another date. Previous to being with my partner, I had been on any number of dates (and tricks) and had usually not felt any spark that would have made me want to see the other person (and at other times I was attracted to the other guy and he felt no sparks)
I have never been one for love at first sight, and people who claim that they have found The One after only one date are usually (but NOT always) unstable and needy. Love, real love, is built up over time; it’s what sustains a relationship after the sparks fade and the sex is no longer a novelty.
I just met someone independently who my best friend was trying to set me up with. Nice enough guy, unfortunately he fails two very important “relationship material” tests. He’s long-term unemployed and he’s mentally ill. And before anyone jumps on me about dismissing the mentally ill, I was in a three-year relationship with a severely mentally ill man. Schizo-affective disorder, bi-polar (undiagnosed and he was only being treated for the depression), anxiety disorder, panic attacks. The relationship ended after he left town without telling me after his second suicide attempt in the space of a month. I have done my time in the locked ward and unfair as it may be I won’t do that again.
Another friend is trying to set me up with a co-worker of hers but I haven’t heard back yet. We’ll see how that works out.
See, this is exactly what I’m saying. Unless I’m so completely unable to read people that I am 100% misinterpreting what’s going on when I’m out with these human sparklers, we are enjoying each other’s company. So I can’t understand where the breakdown is that I can’t find someone to go out with who’s willing to go up one stair, let alone go to the landing.
Christ, this last guy was even a vegetarian. Do you know how hard it is to find a vegetarian gay man, even in Madison? Do you have any idea what a relief it is not to have to justify your dietary choices on a first date?
Except, of course, that it isn’t bullshit. “Looking for a LTR” is far less successful than “Looking for someone who enjoys the samne things I do and can make me laugh.”
Why would anyone jump on you for that? You’re looking for a boyfriend, not sainthood. You own nobody any reason to justify your dating critieria. If you don’t want to date the mentally ill (the obese, the unemployed, under-25, over-50 . . . ), that’s your absolute right.
