Gen clash: strange things old men told me

In My Humble Opinion
1

Guys, have you men ever been “taken aside” by an older man, possibly a distant uncle or a chance meeting, and given some weird, paternalistic advice or “wisdom”, probably totally unprovoked?

Do women get this, too? They must. An older woman, maybe just a co-worker you hardly know, suddenly looks you in the eye and says something about six times more personal and/or bizarre than you expected, in sort of a maternal fashion?

Just to be clear, I don’t mean simple TMI, but weird windows into older people’s lives and experience, hair-raising at their extreme, or just plain boggle-provoking, because although they don’t really know you, they thought you needed it.

Colin

2

My grandmother took me aside when I was about 12 and told me never to let a man touch me unless I was married. Then she told me that getting married isn’t even a good idea because I “don’t know how men are, the things they want you to do…” Good thing I thought she was a total crackpot almost continuously, because those are some ambiguous but ominous words.

3

One word.

Plastics.

Think about it.

4

To which I can counter:

Handguns.

Disposable Handguns.

(from Bloom County, back when Steve Dallas was courting Lola Granola, I think.)

5

I was taken aside once by an older male relative and given the following good advice:

When you get married, you’ll inevitable have some arguments with the wife. The very first one that you have after marriage will set the tone for the rest of your married life, so you have to win it. Not only win it, but mercilessly grind her into the ground with irrefutable logic, pointing out the complete and utter idiocy of point of view. Don’t let up and hound her until she has totally submitted to your way. From then on it will be smooth sailing.

Schmuck

6

My dad once told me that at some time in my life I would need to choose between my wife and my mother.

7

I can’t believe that TWO replies out of only four beat me to the punch with the Plastics joke.

I got nothin.

8

:eek:

Good answer!

Funnily enough, the creepy, unasked-for advice that I got was just the opposite. “You can’t beat women, son. Don’t even try. They have half the money and all the p****.”

Ok, will bear it in mind. :confused:

9

Where does it come from? I recognize it but I can’t identify it.

10

It comes from the movie “The Graduate” with Dustin Hoffman

11

This didn’t come from an old man, but it fits in, and has a pretty funny ending.

My friend Matt and I were over at our friend Joe’s house, when his mom (taking a nap) starts yelling at us (just me and Joe) to come talk to her. We go back to her room where she looks at us and says, “I’ve got something very important to tell you. Always use protection.” We were 17 or 18 at the time, so we’ve gotten this message numerous times before, and none of us had girlfriends at the time, so it was not some urgent issue. Just adding to the weirdness of the situation is that normally Karol (the mom) doesn’t say or even want to hear anything that could have sexual connotations, so this is out of left field.
“OK Karol. I’ll do that,” I say.
“What about Matt?” Joe asks
“I don’t think he needs to worry about it” Karol tells us, at which point we leave the room, laughing hysterically.

Actual old-man advice: My paternal grandfather was making fudge, was kind of drunk, and giving the recipe and advice on fudge-making to my mom. He was adamant that she write down that beating it too much will, and I quote, “Curl your teeth”

12

When I went off to the Army, my dad told me to always give a fake name to any women I met.

13

Not a relative, but a pretty cool old guy I know, told me, “Always fix a woman a drink of sloe-gin and orange juice. I don’t know why, but it makes them horny as hell.” Haven’t had the chance to try out Phil’s advice yet, but I full intend to.

14

My uncle has warned me on numerous occasions not to trust immigrants. Seeing as he was born in Spain himself, I’ve decided there is perhaps a certain grain of truth to that.

15

“A hard on has no conscience.” From my father who got it from his father.

16

Ah, yes. From the Latin, I think: Penis erectus non compos mentis. :wink:

17

“Life is like a horse wearing a suit & smoking a cigar…hard to explain.”

“An angry woman is like a speeding train…a man standing in their way won’t slow either down.”

18

My great-grandmother once told me

“If he pees on the toilet seat, dump him.”
Words to live by.

19

If you’re ever cornered by a boring person, start talking about Hannibal and his elephants. They’ll go away all by themselves.

(Thanks Dad :stuck_out_tongue: )

20

My grandfather always tells me, “Never build your house on the North side of a hill.”

Or was it the south side?? :confused:

…though, to be honest, I’m hoping to inherit the house he’s talking about, should he not live forever…

I also remember my friend’s grandfather - not mine! - giving me a knife for Xmas and assuring my that the edge would “never dull on the throats of n…” well, he was KKK all over, so you finish it. :eek:

Guess my friend didn’t tell him I was a Jew, eh?

(I grew up in the south, with my friend, but his grandpa was from a different place and a different south than either of us, that’s for sure!!)

Anyway, with him looking me straight in the eye, saying that, and handing over a really nice knife, it became one of my favorite possessions, because it was a symbol of such an appalling sentiment that had been given to me as a gift … it was my very own n-killing knife. Kinda makes you want to drop it in a drawer and wash your heands real good, and I did, but I also showed it off now and then and told the story so people would know that people like that are out there.

I left it behind in a move, dammit (in its drawer), but that creepy old man and his knife did teach me the value of keeping around stuff that reminds you of the bad things that are worth remembering… not just the smily photos and trophies and positive memories!

Man, I wish I still had that knife. Sorry to tell such a weird story, but I didn’t want to put it earlier in the thread for fear of precluding all these really funny ones about sloe gin and stuff.:dubious: