When I was a young child of 20, my Sainted Mother said to me:
Live with a guy before you marry him!!!
I haven’t been able to look at her in the same way ever since.
“Look, not that you’ll ever need to know this, but if you need to disable a military gun, here’s how…”
Um, thanks, dad.
(Actually, it was kind of cool…)
The “safe sex” talk… after I had had it… I had the choice of listening through the lecture, or telling them that I didn’t need it (and then suffering my mom’s inevitable questions)
I listened 
When I was going up to Canada to work on a cultural exchange program for a few weeks my parent’s parting words were not words of encouragement, “we’ll miss you” or anything like that…
They simply said, “Don’t get deported.”
Sadly they know me all too well…
When my mom came to pick my up from school after my boyfriend beat me up in class, as soon as I got in the car she crammed a cigarette in my mouth and said,
“Light the damn thing, I know you need it!”
My mom once sent me a humongous care package at school- chocolate and homemade cookies and slim jims and those marshmallow chicks- every temptation in the book.
The accompanying note: “Don’t eat it all at once! Love, Mom”
Umm… gee thanks, mom, what do you take me for??
“You don’t have to do that once you’re married” - thanks Mum, but oral sex isn’t exactly a chore from my POV
“Don’t worry about anything we’ve taught you, just go and have heaps of fun” - from a father who did a fair bit of travelling when he was younger, to me as I was leaving for my first trip.
Slightly off topic, but the advice my dad started giving all his friends and colleagues when they had children who were approaching driving age was “always keep a couple hundred dollars cash on hand when you get the late night phone call asking to come bail them out of jail.”
This was based on several such experiences he had with my brother and me when we were in high school, and before ATMs were available at every bank.
Then he tells his funny story about having to go to the “House of Pies” at 3am, buying a pie and coffee, and having to beg them to cash the check he had written for $200 so he could get cash to bail me out.
And I know most people would say ‘just let the kid sleep it out in the town jail’, but where I grew up, the city drunk tank was notorious for being a truly dangerous one.
When I graduated from high school during the fading years of the Eisenhower administration my parents were separated and my father, a physician, came out to Iowa for the ceremony. After it was over I took him back to the train to go back to Ohio. As we stood on the platform he turned to me and said, “you need to know that penicillin doesn’t work all the time. Be careful.”
I had no idea what he was talking about. It hit me a couple years later.
(While in college)–To be careful that the pot I smoked was only pot, and not contaminated with PCP or the like, from my conservative Republican father.
" a man wants you to act like an angel in public and a whore in bed" … from my Sainted Mother
From my mother: “Don’t marry a small woman, because they have problems delivering big babies.”
This was after I told her I thought a girl in my class about a foot shorter than myself like me. The kicker? I was twelve.
:eek: Are your parents still married?! I hate to sound judgemental, but that sounds like a really selfish attitude from my (admittedly American) point of view.
When I was about fourteen, my Mom told me “If you got it, flaunt it. If you don’t got it, flaunt it anyways - no-one will notice you ain’t got it.”
Oddly enough, she was right.
I should probably know what this means.
But at the risk of sounding like a total yutz…
Huh? 
At the time, penicillin was the only cure for gonorrea. (sp?)
My dad had lots of gems…I think there are a couple I remember.
First one, when we were going home after spending the night watching a movie for school at my uncle’s house, dad and I started commenting about marriage and living together…
“Never get married”
That’s what he said…I blinked, looked at him, blinked again, and waited for his explanation. “Either that, or marry someone you’re willing to share household chores.” Eeeh, thanks dad…
The drug talk:
“If I had known que perico era sordo, I would have stopped the train.” Perico=drugs…meaning if he had known drugs where that harmful, he would have never tried them. Considering perico usually refers to a certain drug, I was freaked out thinking he had tried that…but the more I think about it, the more I think he was referring to abuse of pot and alcohol, which I (later) realized had caused him problems.
The kids talk:
Again, father and I were innocently chatting about my married cousins (some childless, some not), and my single, childless siblings, all of them much older than me. About having kids (and future grandkids, perhaps):
“Children ruin your life and you are forced to stop doing the things you like.”
Again, I blinked, looked at him, blinked again. Please understand, he loves his children a lot and shows affection to them all. So I again, blinked…he finally explained something about how yea, he’s proud of us (his kids), we still changed his life, and that in the case of my cousins, they probably like their life much better childless than with kids.
The abortion talk:
Not really freaked, since I had no problem otherwise, and it wasn’t directed to me. Mom and dad are talking among themselves (I’m listening/dozing) about how it is possible that my sister is pregnant. One of his comments:
“I love my children more than any possible grandchildren. The safety and quality of life for my kids is more important than that of any possible grandkid.”
From that and other comments, he meant that he would have no problem with my sister having an abortion, nor he would have that problem with me (at least in theory).
Yes, they are still married. They are close to 60 years old. It wasn’t so much selfish as indicative of the sort of love life and upbringing they had… It’s sad no matter what angle you look at it from, though.
When I was considering enlisting in the Navy from the woman who bore me:
“Better to masturbate than sleep with a whore.”
It gave me such severe woogies that I didn’t want to think any sexual thoughts for at least an hour.
I was 17 at the time after all.
This is a wise, wise woman.