Look… I know it’s a four-day convention. I know you want to get in as much gaming time as possible – a lot of folks travel here from all over the country to play RPGs and just generally hang out with other gamers. I furthermore realize that you pretty much want to game round-the-clock, and ingest massive amounts of caffeine to stay awake. That’s fine. Really. But let me make one small simple request…
CAN YOU PEOPLE PLEASE TAKE A FRIGGIN’ SHOWER OR SOMETHING?!!?!?!?!?!?!??!?!??
Jesus Christ! I haven’t smelled anything that rank since the time my fridge died while I was out on vacation! You people smell like a goddamned landfill! All I wanted was to come to Gen Con and see what new RPG stuff is out… but from the moment I walked in the door, I was engulfed in a cloud of stench that was so virulent and horrible that it should be marketed to defense contractors as an antipersonnel weapon. Are all gamers this ignorant of personal hygiene? I’ve gamed since I was a wee little Krunk, and during that time have managed to take showers to keep relatively odor-free.
The overwhelming majority of the attendees looked like they hadn’t attended to basic hygiene concerns in well over a week. Scraggly beards, unwashed lank hair, stained t-shirts, clutching a gallon-size mug of Mountain Dew, smelling like they’ve got a landfill concealed in their armpits… two days later, the recollection still makes me shudder. Don’t you people have hotel rooms that you stay in while you’re at the Con? If I remember correctly, those rooms do have these modern appurtenances called a “shower” that will miraculously manage to remove foreign particles and noxious odors from the surface of your body and will leave you clean and sparkly fresh. Learn to use it.
And while I’m on the topic… Some of the vendors had models at their booths, shapely nubile young women in chainmail and leather and the like. Yes, they’re attractive – I thought they were cute, too, and took a nice long look as I walked by. But regardless of your horny immature fantasies of sleeping with Red Sonja or Lara Croft, they’re NOT there to be hit on! I felt absolutely horrible for the one girl by the Microsoft booth… trapped by an unwashed gamer with half a Twinkie stuck to the front of his ‘My Reality Check Bounced’ t-shirt, trying to smile while he’s doing his Chris Kattan impression on her, with that look in her eyes that says so eloquently that she’d be ever-so-grateful if you’d just be kind enough to put her out of her misery. Look, slappy, they’re not there for you to try out your little gamer humor on… they’re doing a job. Yes, that job is to stand there and look attractive, but that’s not an open invitation to get hit on by every gamer that walks by. Please give her a break.
So next year, be warned… When I come to Gen Con, I’m going to bring a duffel full of hotel-sized bars of soap, and will be handing them to deserving attendees as I walk by. Either that, or Stick Ups… you unwashed maladjusted scraggly excuses for human beings.