As it seems, bouv has himself a problem (other than occasionally refering to himself in the third person, that is.) Bouv has no confidence in himself. This stems into multiple facets of his life, as we shall soon find out.
Firstly, he has a hard time coming to a decision. He is always second guessing what he has decided to do. Whether it be an answer on a math test, or a choice about what pair of pants to wear.
Secondly, his love life is non-existant. He can barely build up enough courage to talk to women that he doesn’t already know, let alone ask them out! He’s had but one GF, and only because she was the initiater of the relationship. That relationship has long since been terminated.
Third, he has bouts of depression. When many things seem to be going bad for him, he get very depressed. Things were so bad at one point, that self-mutilation seemed like a good idea, and suicide was thought of as a solution. Luckily, those times are behind him and not likely to return, but there is always a possibilty that circumstances will appear similar to those previous.
There are also, small, trivial things that arrise from time to time. But these are probably just normal little quirks that most people have that he’s not too worried about.
So I ask you this question, how do I gain self-confidence? I realize that this is a very complex question that can’t be answered easily, nor completly, but I’m just looking for any sort of help I can get.
And please, I’m not looknig for sympathy here, just some advice.
I’ll second the counseling suggestion. I would imagine your college has a counseling service, and while I’ll be the first to admit that college counselors are not always the best, it’s absolutely worth a try. They can sit down with you and look at strategies for working on your self-confidence issues–and also that pesky depression problem, which is something you should definitely work on. Just dealing with the depression might have a dramatic effect, because depression and low self-esteem go hand in hand.
One thing you can do on your own is a self-inventory. Examine your strengths and weaknesses; be honest, especially about assets. What are your positive qualities? What do you do well, get complimented on? Build on those. Then look at areas where you don’t come up to your own expectations, and ask yourself, what concrete things can I do to overcome these? For example, you say you have trouble talking to women; try to find openings for conversation, like someone in one of your classes, there are lots of potential openers there. “What did you think of that homework?” “How did you work problem #2?” Things like that. This doesn’t have to lead to a date, the idea is to take the intimidation factor out of it. Girls are just folks, ya know. Nothing to be scared of.
So the idea with the inventory is to end up with two lists: Things to keep doing or do more, and Things to stop doing, or do less. Do the positive stuff first, so you don’t get so bogged down in negatives that you lose steam. You’ve got a lot going for you, you just need to recognize that.
What SmeelMeel and Geobabe said. Talking to someone who is trained to help people deal with such issues is a big step forward.
And there are things you can do on your own. The lovely and highly intelligent Geobabe has outlined some. Good advice there.
I would also remind you that you have to crawl before you learn to walk, so take it a little at a time. Your second-guessing yourself, for instance. It may be somewhat natural to have one or two doubts about a math answer or a quiz essay. That’s important stuff. But you mentioned second-guessing your choice of trousers. And even you acknowledge that’s a little extreme.
So tell yourself you’re not going to sweat the small stuff. What’s the worst that could happen? Dockers instead of jeans? A turtleneck instead of a cardigan? Feh! A hundred years from now, what difference will it make? Hell, a week from now, what difference will it make? When a nagging doubt about something trivial rears its ugly head, just ask yourself that. And you just may be able to quash that second-guessing voice for a bit. Then it will get easier and easier to ignore, until you’re able to tell yourself you’re not going to sweat the small stuff – and realize most of it’s small stuff.
Good luck. Geobabe is right, you know. You’ve got a lot going for you.
Other folks here have given some great advice. I think I may be a bit depressed myself and I have been procrastinating on seeing a professional. Therefore, I will not try to offer you too much advise (to avoid being the blind hypocrite leading the blind).
With that disclaimer out of the way, the only piece of advice I would like to offer is this: When you find yourself thinking things about yourself that you would find upsetting if someone else said them to you, squash that thought! After all, you’d surely defend yourself against those very same insults if someone else were hurling them at you. Don’t be your own worst enemy.
Thanks for the advice. After my more serious problems last year I did see a professional couselor. I only went a couple of times, though. I feel VERY uncomfortable telling some weird person I don’t know my problems. I have a hard enough time telling the people I DO know. (Actually, aside from four close friends and the SDMB community, no one else really knows about this.) As for that list idea, I think I would get too bogged down by negatives. It’s worth giving it a shot, but I’m afraid that I’ll only see a few good things about myself, and about a few hundred bad things.
Wow, looking over this post I see I have a REALLY negative attitude. You nice people give me the advice I asked for, and I shoot down all your suggestions. Chaulk that up as a negative, I guess.
Seriously, though, thank you for the advice. I’m glad to know that you are here for me to come to. The anonymity of the boards gives me enough confidence (there’s that word again) to speak my mind. I know that if this were some sort of group conseling session where I could see everyone’s faces, I’d be quite the quiet one.
Maybe you just need to acknowledge that you’ll be wrong sometimes and accept it.
Maybe you just need to understand that every person is different, so if you’re different than everybody else, that’s fine. Some people call that being unique. And, if you’re unique, you’ll find another unique soul who will like you for who you are. I say this because of your comment about choosing pants. Are you worried what others think? Don’t. There’s always critics. You can be true to only yourself.
You sound a lot like me on the confidence front. I also had a hard time approaching women. I don’t know if I ever truly overcame that fear. But, I did approach women. I swallowed hard and asked. When they said no, I dwelled on it. When they dated me and left me, I dwelled on it.
In the end, just remember, you will meet your soulmate. You have to believe that.
As for depression, that’s a very serious condition. It should be treated by a professional. In my family, I have several relatives on a drug to combat depression. While not a fan of using drugs to solve every problem, I believe they sometimes are invaluable and have seen their positive effects on several cousins and aunts. (Not saying that’s what will happen if you seek professional help, but it could, and keep an open mind to it if it does.)
My feeling is that confidence is derived from knowing how to do things. This is why I think kids should do laundry, yardwork, etc.
Make a list of what you know how to do. If there’s not much on it–LEARN SOMETHING. Run your own life and be self-sufficient. After that, who cares what anyone else thinks of you.
Now another thing to look at is what you’re eating. Eat less sugar and more fiber. Exercise regularly and get plenty of sleep. Don’t underestimate what these things can do for you. Do pushups. Upper body strength makes you feel wonderful, especially if you’re a girl and you don’t already have any.
If you have difficulty seeing a counselor, then there are certainly other things you can do. Exercise and diet are a good place to start.
Run, don’t walk, to your nearest bookstore or Amazon.com, and pick up a copy of one or more of the following books:
**A Guide to Rational Living
Overcoming Destructive Beliefs, Feelings, and Behaviors : New Directions for Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy
How to Stubbornly Refuse to Make Yourself Miserable About Anything–Yes, Anything
Feeling Better, Getting Better, Staying Better : Profound Self-Help Therapy For Your Emotions**
All by Albert Ellis. Three Minute Therapy by Michael Edelstein is really good as well.
I’ve been through the depression, the suicidal ideations, the cutting… I’m quite happily on meds for it now, and after many, many different therapists I have a pretty good handle on things most of the time. But Uncle Albert has helped more than any other book/therapist I’ve encountered.
Sorry, I just liked how many times I got named in that post.
bouv:
That’s why I said to start with the good stuff. If you start with the bad stuff, well, that’s the stuff that’s causing you problems, and if you start there you’ll never get to the good stuff.
In fact, here’s an assignment for you (you’re a college student, you love assignments, I know you do :p): Make a list of only the good stuff. You are forbidden to catalog any shortcomings, failings, character defects, whathaveyou. Only assets. Get to it.
I concur with Geobabe’s last suggestion. Start by making a list of what you do well.
Another thing that you should do is construct an affirmation. This is a statement that counteracts the negative self-talk that you have going on. To do this, pick one thing that you would like to change about yourself, and determine what exactly you want to feel or be. Then express that in one sentence. Write this down. Repeat this often, preferably once a day, plus anytime you are going into a situation specific to the affirmation. One rule you must follow is to not use negative words, specifically “no” or “not” (that can be tricky!)
For example, when I got divorced, I knew that I would have problems with my self-image, and that was causing some of my relationship problems. Basically, I had stayed in most of my relationships because I didn’t feel like I could get anything better. The affirmation I constructed was “I am beautiful and desirable, and I deserve and will get a loving relationship”. This worked well - I approached dates with much more confidence than I had in the past; and I got a relationship that is exponentially better than past relationships. Another affirmation that my therapist made for me is “I am confident and capable” for job problems. Sort of generic, but those are exactly what I felt that I lacked at work, and most of my work problems came from feeling insufficiently confident or capable.
More ideas:
You’re in college, take an acting class. Acting is cheap therapy (my therapist told me that!) and is really good about getting you out of your shell.
Do something creative.
Keep a journal. Force yourself to write a certain amount each day (such as one page) as this will draw out issues.
Well, I have already taken every acting class the school offers (all three of ‘em.) I’m also involved in the theatre group here, so I’m doing well in that part of the ‘master plan.’ As for that statement thing, I’ll look into it. I just has a night that would be described as very good. Girls were there, they complimented me on this and that, so I’m feelin’ pretty good about my self image right now.
I promise I’ll make a ‘good’ list. I’m not making any claims that it will be extensive, but I will do it, and post it afterwards.
Listen to Geobabe. Seriously. I’ll tell you why in a second, but first things first. Depression. It’s an ugly word, but it’s also very real, ignoring it won’t change that. IF you truly have problems with depression, seek help. It’s an illness that CAN be dealt with. You said:
That’s a common reaction. ( Oh, and BTW, what’s wrong with weird people, anyway??? ) What you have to realize is that these people are professionals. They have half a dozen folks a day who are worse off than you turn to them for help. That’s what they do. Their focus is going to be to help you. They don’t care who you are IRL, they just want to equip you to deal with your life in the best way. Look at it this way: You’re trying to dig a foundation for a new and happier you. On your own, you’re standing there with a teaspoon. Can you use that to dig the foundation? Perhaps, but it will be a loooong and difficult job. Over there is a professional who will give you a shovel. Which tool will you chose to use? To get the shovel, you have to approach the professional and get him to give it to you. Boil it down, and it IS that simple.
Now, as to Geobabe. What you may or may not know is that she is a close personal friend of mine. About a year ago, we met. I wasn’t in that great a shape back then. I was separated from my wife, realizing that divorce loomed on the horizon, and wondering what comes next. Geo and I found a friendship, and you know what? I looked to her. She’s a pretty good role model in this because she had just gone through basically the same thing. I am fortunate because I do not suffer from depression, but I was certainly down. What I learned from her was to accept the fact that I was special, and to use that as my base. From that I recovered my confidence. Once I had that, well, it fed on itself. Since I was confident in myself, people responded positively to me, and that just supported the confidence. The trick is not to get arrogant. I am self deprecating enough that that wasn’t really a problem, but it’s something to watch out for. I think I have been able to repay what she gave me when she needs a friend, but I will always be grateful to her for showing me the way. She didn’t do anything but show me with her example what I had in myself all the time, she certainly didn’t make me who I am today, but at the time I needed that example. You can do the same thing. Good luck, and feel free to e-mail me anytime."
Hey I feel ya bouv. I’ve also only had one girlfriend and she was the one that initiated the relationship. To those of us with souls too heavy to carry, not having someone to share that part of you with is akin to taking a cheese grater to your scrotum. Sometimes it feels as if life is just one continuouus punch in the dick.
Well I a’int gonna be much help to you here, as I always suffer from random bouts of depression. Just chimed in to say you are’nt alone.
While seeing a psychiatrist may be a good idea, it is’nt always a choice for most people. Cost is a concern for most people. Also, some psychiatrists might just assign zoloft or something similiar and not really help you with your problem. Then, of course, there’s the issue of having too much pride to be able to see one (yes depressed people can still have pride). Also, alot of times depression is’nt some kind of psychological problem. Some people actually have fucked up lives. My only suggestion here is to not be alone and keep yourself busy. Other than that, you might just have to work through your depression bouts one day at a time.
) What you have to realize is that these people are professionals. They have half a dozen folks a day who are worse off than you turn to them for help. That’s what they do. Their focus is going to be to help you. They don’t care who you are IRL, they just want to equip you to deal with your life in the best way. Look at it this way: You’re trying to dig a foundation for a new and happier you. On your own, you’re standing there with a teaspoon. Can you use that to dig the foundation? Perhaps, but it will be a loooong and difficult job. Over there is a professional who will give you a shovel. Which tool will you chose to use? To get the shovel, you have to approach the professional and get him to give it to you. Boil it down, and it IS that simple.