I just realized this will be my 1000th post and I would rather use it on this post than anywhere else. I adore my grandfather - he is my hero. And he deserves this post.
I’m so angry right now that I’m sitting at work trying to hold back tears. To make a long story short, my grandfather had surgery for colon cancer last week. He’s doing well, and the doctor is confident that he got it all and it hasn’t spread. Wonderful. It’s fantastic news.
He was in the hospital for two weeks. Before that two weeks was over, the doctor told my family that he wanted to put my grandfather in a nursing home. No fucking way. My dad has three brothers and a sister and although only one uncle still lives in the area, the others in the family can take turns helping out. My dad went down from VA last week to stay for a week. I was in Disney World for four days over the weekend and I drove down to West Palm on Sunday to see my grandparents.
My mom just called. They put my grandfather in the nursing home. My dad had to leave on Tuesday, so only his youngest brother was around. Medicare won’t pay for more time in the hospital. None of the other kids can get there immediately so the doctor put him in the nursing home. With my uncle’s permission. He said he didn’t have ‘time’ to take care of my grandfather. He has time to go drinking and clubbing in Miami but he doesn’t fucking have time to take care of his own father. My uncle and aunt in Miami have already said that they’re going back to West Palm on Sunday as soon as they can get away and taking my grandfather out of the nursing home. But if my uncle won’t help out at all, my grandmother can NOT take care of him on her own - she has her own health problems. My uncle’s ex-wife has offered to help as much as possible (although my uncle treats her like shit), but she works full-time. My uncle owns his own business and has time to take off all week and play golf, but he can’t take off time to take care of his own father. I took a week of vacation last year to go down there for a week and take care of them after my grandma had surgery. If I could afford it and I had any vacation or sick time left, I would be down there in a heartbeat. As it is, my dad had to close his business for three days because his secretary’s MIL died last week and so he lost money while he was in FL. All of this is nothing because it means we can take care of my grandfather. I would file bankruptcy if I had to if it meant taking care of my grandparents. And I’m not nailing myself to a cross here - we love them. That’s all it boils down to.
My great-grandmother and my uncle died in a nursing home. I don’t trust them, I don’t like them, and I will move to Florida before this is a long term solution for either of my grandparents.
I am so angry right now and if this post isn’t quite coherent, I apologize. I’ve even said before what a great family I have, and I still do - everyone except this uncle is trying so hard to make this turn out positively. None of us want to see him in a nursing home. I don’t know. I’m really angry and upset right now.
Ava I’m very sorry about your grandfather. We’ve dealt with a lot of similar issues in the last year. It is especially frustrating when family lets you down.
Is this a permanent thing or just while he recovers from surgery?
Hubby’s grandmother had colon cancer and after her surgery they moved her to a rehabilitation facility to prepare her for going home and to help her recover. Maybe that is what the doctor is using the nursing home as?
Unfortunately if it is a permanent thing there is not a lot you can do. You could always make your grandfather very popular by keeping him well supplied with care packages.
Supposedly it’s just a temporary thing. But it still scares the hell out of me. My great-grandmother and my uncle died in nursing homes, and so that’s all I can think about when I hear of them. My uncle has said he’s going to get my grandfather out of there this weekend, but I keep worrying about what’s going to happen when everyone uses their vacation or sick time up. My grandparents won’t move from Florida, or I know my parents would gladly have them move in here. I’m just afraid it’s going to get to the point where the nursing home is a necessity and not an option. My grandfather has never broken a promise to me - he promised me in June that he would dance at my wedding next September. I’m hoping he’s able to keep that promise. And this is just so hard because he and my grandmother are two of the most amazing people I have ever met - and it’s not just family that says that. Anyone who has ever met them says the same thing.
Ugh. Rambling. Anyway, thanks. I’ll drop you an email this weekend - I’m eager to hear how that little guy’s doing and how big sister’s settling into siblinghood. (as I hijack my own thread).
I do understand your frustration too. Mix that with love, fear and distance and you’ve got quite the emotional coctail.
Surgery for colon cancer is major and not the easiest recovery. If he has a stoma then having people to help him learn to care for it is essential. Would he be able to go home soon and have a visiting nurse? Grandma spent 2 weeks in rehab and had a VN for 2 weeks or so then she only had the nurse when she needed her to come and check on things.
If he does have a stoma… tell him no heavy lifting! NONE! I mean it. Grandma went through all the surgery for the cancer and then all the chemo and all the radiation and got a hernia from too much heavy lifting… the hernia surgery killed her sigh
Is there some way everyone in the family can put their heads together and pay for a part-time or full-time nurse? That way, your uncle will be hard pressed to come up with an excuse for why he can’t take in his father. Plus, it will make the situation less stressful if he can see he won’t be “stuck” with all the responsibilities.
Your post brings back a lot of feelings of my own helplessness and frustration with my father’s having to be in a nursing home and my not having any control over it. My heart goes out to you and to him. As a grandmother myself, I am grateful for all of the love you have for him.
Sometimes the children of the elderly person are not the only ones involved in the decision-making. That doesn’t solve your problem, but it may serve as a reminder.
tanookie, thanks, I will tell him. Luckily, my grandma is a nurse, and while she can’t exactly do much herself, she’s still quite the drill seargant and will NOT let him do anything to injure himself. And I’m sorry about your grandma:(.
monstro, I knew what you meant:). As far as the nurse, we’re definitely looking into it. I can’t remember why it wasn’t an option last month, but I suspect it has to do with round-the-clock care. I think that’s what he needs. And it’s hard to find a nursing service to come to the home that does that. Money is not an issue. Between the children and the grandchildren, we will find the money.
Zoe, thank you for the reminder. I think my parents know that I’m willing to do anything I need to at this point, so they have asked for my opinion. And my grandpa is one of those men who always has a story for everything, always has a memory to share, and is always willing to liven up a family gathering by singing (he spent 30 minutes singing old songs at my brother’s rehearsal dinner in June - all the songs he used to sing to all of the grandkids when we were younger). He and my grandmother met in the Army in Italy during WWII, and were married at a castle in Italy before the war ended. That short courtship has lasted in a marriage that’s lasted over 50 years. I’ve never met anyone like either of them, and I hear the same thing from my friends who’ve met them. I’ve been meaning to get the letters they exchanged during the war and write a book based on them - I think this has convinced me to ask my grandmother for them now. They are extremely special to us. (Although, I get the feeling your grandkids feel the same way about you, if your posts on the SDMB are any indication).
Thank you for the kind words. I think what it boils down to, plain and simple, is that I’m scared. To me, a nursing home means death. And making sure he doesn’t go into that nursing home on a permanent basis means, in my mind, that we get to hang onto him that much longer.
Ava, I went through something similar with an aunt who had been like a grandmother to me. Because selfish members of the family weren’t willing to step up and help her out for a few weeks (but were willing to get power of attorney and raid her bank account and her home, taking and disbursing all of her belongings without regard to her wishes) while she recuperated from a simple kidney infection, she ended up in a nursing home that she never left again.
Is there anyone in the family who might be able to take advantage of a couple of weeks worth of FMLA time to be with your grandfather? It’s difficult when time off is unpaid, I know, but it’s certainly worth exploring if anyone can manage it.
Meanwhile, your family will be in my thoughts. These situations are never easy, and I really hope for the best for you all.
I don’t know if what I say here will help at all, but if this is extended care to get him back on his feet after the surgery, they probably won’t want to keep him for any longer than necessary. Would it help your frame of mind to think of it as transitional care or something like that, rather than a nursing home? After my mom’s last hip surgery, she spent some days on the surgical floor of the hospital, then spent maybe three weeks or so on a different floor for rehab. Maybe that’s all this is, only in a different facility. And just so you know, my mom came home after that and did very well for several more years. I know it’s very scary, but try to keep your chin up. This will likely work out well in the long run.
And if it helps at all to know, my mom spent some time, at different times during her last years, in a couple of assisted living facilities, by her own choice. The people there took good care of her and she seemed to be happy. I think they were almost as concerned about her health and such as we were. If this is just the best place for your grandfather to continue to recover, then it shouldn’t be too long until he can come home.
My mom had colon cancer two years ago. After her surgery she spent a week in the hospital, and then two in a nursing home, only because she needed the constant care. While I spent a lot of time at my mom’s after that, there was no way I could have done as much as she needed in those first couple of weeks. And they did a lot of OT stuff my mom found very helpful–how to get out of bed without hurting, ways to get up and down steps safely, all things my mom didn’t expect, and that were very helpful during the rest of her recovery.
It’s entirely likely your grandfather is just there for a couple of weeks to receive that kind of care. If that’s the case, he’ll be okay and he’ll be home soon. And I hope he recovers well from the surgery, I know how hard it is, but my mom is doing much better these days. I hope your grandfather does at least as well.
TeaElle, I found out last night that one of my aunts is taking a week to go down there on Monday. After that, we’ll figure out who’s next. I’m just glad we have a week of extended time. And I posted a thread a few weeks ago about a cousin who did the same thing to my great-aunt (cleaned out the bank account) on my mom’s side of the family. I will still never understand that and I’m sorry it happened to you:(.
thirdwarning, it is care to help him recover. The doctor has told us that he doesn’t intend it to be long-term, but it still scares the hell out of me. My uncle wasn’t supposed to be long-term either and he died shortly after he went into the nursing home. I think I just need a dose of reality. I’m letting all of these thoughts of what might happen get into my head and I have to remind myself that it’s not going to happen.
Bren Cameron, I’m glad to hear your mother is doing well. I need the good stories right now. My whole family is just upset right now. We spoke with my aunt in Oregon on the phone last night (my dad’s only sister) and she was incredibly upset. She’s a nurse and unfortunately, her husband had a stroke two years ago and hasn’t fully recovered, so it’s really hard for her to leave (not that she’s not trying as hard as she can). But it helps to talk to her because I know how similar she and I are, so we know how the other is feeling.
My grandmother at 95 developed pneumonia, and after recuperating in the hospital for a week went to a nursing home for a month, and then back to her own place, where she’s still going strong at 102. She did quite well at the nursing home, mostly because she’s such a marvelous con artist she even had the nurses tucking her in at night and pampering her left and right within a couple days of her arrival.
My dad, OTOH, had Parkinson’s and reached a point where he simply HAD to be in a nursing home because he needed constant 24-hour care. (My mom took care of him at home for 15 years, but at the end it was just too much for her.) My mom did spend all day every day there with him, however, and make sure that he was treated well. She also was very careful what nursing home he went into. (And she had a friend whose same husband was in this nursing home for a number of years after a severe stroke; they took turns watching each other’s husband when one couldn’t be there, and I mean every single day.)
Nursing homes are not all bad, really. And if someone goes into one just for a recuperation period, like my grandmother did, tne nursing home is probably as anxious to get your grandfather out as you are. They won’t get the big $$ for long from the government – custodial care Medicare and Medicaid rates are far, far lower than short-term recuperation rates – so want to maximize their profits, which I know sounds awful but in this case works to your grandfather’s advantage.
In the meantime, is there someone who can go check on him regularly, meaning at least once a day if not more? Even the best nursing homes need constant reminders that the family is visible and aware of what’s going on to keep them on your toes. And regular phone calls asking about every detail of his care can’t hurt, either; it may not endear you to the staff, but that really does not matter in the overall scheme of things as long as he gets the best care. They really do need to know that they are being well and thoroughly watched.
Talk to the facility Social Worker, either in person or by phone about this issue. Part of their job should be assisting the family in discharge planning. They should be able to assist you in determining just what kind of help he will need to leave the nursing home safely and ways to get that help. They should be able to help you locate agencies in your area who can supply assistance at home ( which you will probably have to pay for privately) arranging home health services if needed (i.e. a Registered Nurse to assist with wound care or complex dressing changes,or additional Physical therapies at home–this may be paid for by Medicare). They should be able to help you determine what types of medical equipment he might need at home (i.e. a Wheelchair or walker, a Bath bench or Commode chair). They should also be able to help you arrange for Medicaid intake, which, if you are interested and eligible, can provide some home assistance. Best wishes!!