I went for a run yesterday, and while subsequently eating dinner, I felt something crawling up my leg heading for my nether regions.
It was a tick. I grabbed it, looked him in his beady little eyes and said “Gotcha, you sonovabitch!”
I then crushed his ass on the counter because the only good tick is a dead tick. I used to flush them down the toilet, but you know what? Sometimes they crawl back out!
Now I do it right.
When you go after a tick, you better make sure you finish the job.
As I sat there eating my chicken I got angry at that tick. Why’s he gotta go starting trouble, and trying to eat me? Doesn’t he know it’s not nice to eat your fellow creatures?
No. There’s no hypocrisy in that statement. I’m at the top of the goddamn foodchain. Anything beneath me is mine for the eating by the right of evolutionary advancement.
That tick though, is trying to poach up the foodchain when he takes a bite out of me. Damn cheater. Same goes for those tapeworms, liverflukes, leaches, etc, etc.
That chicken should be honored I’ve decided to increase its evolutionary velocity by making its flesh my own. I know if I was a chicken, I’d want to be me. Who wants to be a tick?
Who wants to devolve to the level of a parasitic arachnid?
After dinner I checked myself pretty carefully, but no more ticks. When I run it’s hard for them to grab me. Maybe a lucky one will latch onto a sock and climb up my leg when I’m resting later, but other than that, it’s hard to grab onto a sweaty moving target.
Later I get ready to go to bed and Ahhhhhhhhhhhh!
There’s three fucking Limers sucking on me.
I find all three as I stand there naked.
Number one is under my nipple. I pull him out and smash him flat with a bottle of Ban roll on.
There’s one on my back and I can just barely reach it. I squish him between my fingernails.
The other one is in my crotch right on the inside thigh where my leg meets the pelvis. The skin is tender there, but I yank him out, place him on the porcelain and fry him with a bic lighter.
From what I’ve read it takes 24 hours for the ticks to firmly embed themselves and start sucking blood. none of these guys were engorged, so I guess I got 'em in time.
Goddamn deevolved limers! Go kill your own protein! Don’t steal mine!