I’m driving home from work yesterday (yeah, I was fucking working on a Saturday!) and I see a car pulled over onto the shoulder. A big honkin’ SUV is in front of me.
The SUV passes the shouldered car and what do I see? The idiot that was driving the car changing his flat tire. Sitting in the road on the highway. With cars screaming past him at 60 miles an hour. He had moved his car over just enough so that it was on the shoulder. But just far enough so that when he went to change his tire he’s splayed across the right most lane fumbling with a tire iron.
So in conclusion: Dear dumbass! The shoulder is about ten feet wide. Wide enough for your car to be completely in it and your idiotic tire changing ass as well. That way you won’t run the ask of someone not seeing you SITTING ON THE FUCKING HIGHWAY when they’re driving at speeds 60 MPH. I don’t want your brains on my bumper. Thank you.
Congratulations to the asshole in the left lane of Route 50 going into DC who, as I approached actually driving the speed limit of 65, decided suddenly, without warning, and with a completely clear lane in front of you to swerve halfway onto the shoulder, slam on your brakes for no reason, slowing down to 40, and then as soon as I move suddenly to the next lane to avoid you, speed up to about 90 and take off like a rocket. Way to nearly cause a nice pileup there, moron.
Random buses. I leave my house at the exact same time everyday, whether I miss the bus, the bus arrives on tim, it arrives late or doesn’t arrive at all is completely random.
It’s a good thing I’m on flexitime, there’s no way I could rely on the buses to get to work at the same time everyday.
Fuck you to the people who park in the fire lane at the gas station. What, you don’t see the bright yellow DO NOT PARK painted on the ground? There’s probably a reason for it… I don’t know maybe because people can’t get out of the damn parking lot if you park there?? Oh, but it’s only for a second… like everyone else going into the damn station plans on spending the day there.
Fuck you to tailgaters. I’m already going 70 in a 55, I’m in the right lane, go the fuck around me if I’ve offended you so much. If I’m in the left lane, try looking over the the right and you’ll see that they are going even slower over there, hense the reason I’m passing them. Don’t get all fucking huffy because you NEED to get somewhere 2 minutes quicker than me. One of these days when I have a more expensive car and good insurance, I’m just going to slam on my breaks (“No officer, I swear there was a kitten running across…”)
Fuck you to people who don’t understand the idea of dual left turn lanes. I mean, they put little yellow lines all the way through the intersection. For some reason you can stay in your lane while going straight, but you always seem to want to come into my lane when turning, and force me into oncoming traffic.
Lastly, fuck you to pedestrians that walk before the Walk sign lights up (especially at night). Just because the traffic stops in front of you doesn’t mean you’re good to go. Ever hear of LEFT HAND TURNS? At least twice I week, I almost hit one of you bastards at night while I have a GREEN left arrow.
And Christ forbid there’s some kind of vehicle with flashing lights on the side of the road. Every one of those adds at least 10 minutes to my commute. Apparantly there’s a VERY high precentage of people on I-95 in Florida who were born sightless and recently had corneal surgery, and have yet to stop being fascinated by flashing lights like a ‘Land Of The Dead’ zombie looking at fireworks.
To: South Florida landscaping companies
From: ladybug
Re: Tie that stuff down, dammit!
Look, I know you need all types of landscaping equipment to do your job, but could you at least tie it down when it tops the sides of your truck? If I hadn’t had good brakes on my car last month I would’ve been hit by the wheelbarrow that fell from the top of the 20-foot pile on one truck after the driver accelerated.
(I didn’t stick around for the cleanup/recovery, but I’m guessing the wheelbarrow was tossed right back on top of the pile.)
I’d like to add that the dumbass should have also paid the $20 for a 12-volt air pump. In that most flats are not caused by big gaping gashes, using a pump can(and in my own case has) avoid most tire changing in dangerous conditions.
Water is falling from the sky. I know this is a terrifying event. I know you’re so stupid that you’ve forgotten it did this last winter, too. It’s okay. I’ll wait while you drive 40mph because it’s spitting. It’s OK that you’re fighting The Man by refusing to put your wipers on no matter how hard it is for you to see, because you can avoid turing your lights on. Just slow down a little more.
I’d like to suggest some gene splicing. We’ll take you, and we’ll merge you with that other breed of Californians who inhabit the mid-to-north-peninsula region of 280. The ones that go out in their huge SUVs and drive 90 no matter how foggy, no matter how windy. (You ain’t been properly scared until you see one of these suckers litterally blown off the road right in front of you. Ugly accident that made.) The new, composite Californian might actually be a safe driver.
PS, a personal note to all the parents at the elementary school down the street. When waiting in the line of cars to get into the drop-off drive, DO NOT BLOCK THE INTERSECTION. I can’t turn out of my street. If you do, don’t ride the bumper of the car in front of you so I can’t squeeze through. Don’t do this car after car, forcing me to play chicken with you in the middle of an intersection. I’m a girl alone in a beetle. You can tell damn well I’m not cutting in your line, I’m just trying to get through. Please, make me 10 min. late for work just so that Bratleigh and Snotford won’t be 4 seconds late to the playground.
There is a traffic light near where I work, the last one I go through on my way to work. It’s a long light during rush hour – I’ve timed it at 3 minutes. I understand the temptation to cut it a little fine if it’s turned yellow and you’re making a left turn there; I make a left turn there myself. Nevertheless, I’ve seen three cars go through the light making a left turn in front of me when I have the green light! I know making a right turn on red is legal in most places in this state; making a left turn on red isn’t!
Please also insert the stock ramp rife with profanity about the people who tailgate me when it’s the guy 2 or 3 cars ahead of me who’s going too slowly. I want to go faster, too, and believe me, tailgating him or the guy between me and him’s real tempting, but I don’t think it’s going to help. Besides, I’d really rather not be one of the idiots involved in a multi-car accident that’s slowing traffic.