I’m working on becoming a cooler, more easygoing person, but I gotta get these off my chest.
turning left - turn signal goes on when you come up to the light, not when THE FREAKIN’ LIGHT CHANGES LEAVING ME STUCK BEHIND YOU BECAUSE I CAN’T READ YOUR FREAKIN’ MIND.
people who bop into the previously empty right hand lane, preventing me from turning right for the cycle of the light. Is being third in line that stinkin’ onerous to you?
while I’m walking, people who turn right practically over my toes after my walk light comes on. I stood there and waited like a good little law-abiding citizen - stay the hell out of my crosswalk now.
people who turn left practically over my whole body. I’m walking, here - wait over there where you’re supposed to wait until it is clear for you to go. Don’t MAKE me open your door, grab you out by the hair and pummel some sense into you.
people who tailgate me through the school and playground zones. I’m driving slowly for YOUR FREAKIN’ KIDS. BACK THE HELL OFF!
bikes riding on the sidewalk and giving me attitude and not getting out of my way when I’m walking. Lookit, bub, you’re the vehicle who has no business being up here - get back on the road where you belong, and I won’t sidearm you off your bike.
people who walk on the wrong side of the sidewalk. It occurs to me that in other parts of the world, people walk on the left and pass on the right, but if you look around a wee bit, you might notice that YOU ARE NOT THERE ANY MORE.
Whew, that’s a load off. I’ll probably be back later after I drive and walk to work again tomorrow.
I dream of the day when one of those assholes hits me in the crosswalk. Not too bad - maybe a minor break, sprained wrist, etc - but the adrenalin probably wouldn’t wear off until after I drag him from his car and re-enact the curb scene from American History X.
…I guess that commuting peeve was bottled up inside for quite a while, huh.
If you can’t make them avoid you out of consideration, make them avoid you out of fear
When I was younger and more idealistic, I would’ve guessed that the people tailgating you didn’t have kids, or a least didn’t have kids there. Now that I know what hypocrites people can be, I wouldn’t be surprised if the kid on his knees scrabbling to pick up his science fair project in the street in front of you belonged to the people tailgating you.
I have the same fantasy as lno, but in mine, rather than beating on the person, I say “That was a very expensive mistake.” as I call my lawyer on speed dial.
Obviously this is a dream. I don’t have my lawyer on speed dial.
My fantasy is that after someone bumps me as I’m crossing in a crosswalk, I “hulk-out” on them; punch my hand through the hood of their Mercedes Benz and rip the still pumping oil pump right out of their car/status symbol. If I had directed the “Hulk Movie” this scene would have been in there in all it’s CGI beauty.
I’ll admit that I’ve been guilty of this one before. Usually it’s because I’m turning right at the next corner, and am trying to plan ahead. I will say that on a couple of occasions I have noticed that I’m blocking the person behind me from turning right and so have turned right myself, just to accommodate their Merry Way. However, sitting behind me and yelling “BITCH!!!” at me when you see me looking in the rearview is not going to get you any such favors.
(Not talking directly to you, of course, featherlou.)
I’m not sure the driver in this case is Pittable, but hey, fuck it–I will bodily injure the next person who does this to me:
When I’m on foot, and I want to cross the street, and I’m waiting for some fucknut in a car to pass by first, and they keep slowing down. Worse yet is when they come to a full stop right in front of me, blocking off my carefully chosen crossing path.
I don’t suppose that’s a quote from Lance Storm, is it? If I’m right, I’ll email you my address so you can send the money. I’m sure one big check will be fine.
Well, I was right; after my morning commute, I found another thing to pit. City of Calgary Transit planners, why do you insist on putting the bus stops five feet past the corner? I would like to introduce you to Calgary drivers - they’re aggressive, they’re fast, they’re unskilled and they’re distracted - they can’t handle busses stopping as soon as they go around a corner. I know this -why don’t you?
And while I’m at it, why do you put the bus stops so close to intersections that people standing waiting for busses look like they’re trying to cross the street, forcing cars to stop for them or face very high fines? This is just not cool.
I feel mildly guilty when I do this, but only mildly. Maybe I want to get around the numbnuts in front of me going 20 in a 45, or maybe I’ll be turning right shortly myself, or maybe whatever. The right lane is not dedicated to right turners only. I’m (mildly) sorry.
The dramatic pause gave it away. Please send your address, but please note the contest rules below. I believe Stockton, CA is part of the prohibited area (although so much of California is so far on the fringe that I’ll have to double check :D)
[PSA from the Public Transportation Division of Commuting Peeves]
Dear suburbanites,
Yes, summer is here and your evil spawn is out of school. But really, there is no need for you to come downtown. It’s really scary down here. You should go to the mall. But if you have to come downtown, please arrive after 9am and depart prior to 3pm, so you and your brain-dead family will not be on my train acting like you’ve never been on a choo-choo before, and never seem a buildin’ taller than the barn.
Please note the other people on the train reading, working, or trying to sleep. We don’t need your screaming kids running up and down the aisles, playing bongos on the seats, and changing seats every 2.34 minutes. And asking if every stop is Chicago. Oh, and that is the Sears Tower. It will still be the Sears Tower when you ask again in 30 seconds. You’ve only seen it on TV 400,000 times. Yes, it’s still the Sears Tower. But make sure when you are walking on the sidewalk to come to a complete stop in the middle and look up to make sure it’s still the fucking Sears Tower.
Special Taste of Chicago Notice: Please make sure you drive downtown along with the other million people who enjoy eating food on a stick in 98 degree temperatures and clouds and clouds of body odor. Really! No one drives down here. The streets are deserted during the work day.
Ooh! I’ve got a few to add to the bitch list. When you’re driving on a three lane highway, the signs state that the center lane is for left turns only. That means that you’re supposed to get all of your goddamn car into the center lane to turn left. Don’t slow down everyone in the right lane while you’re contemplating where to turn and then leave your car’s right ass cheek in the right lane. My kingdom for a tank!
The brake pedal isn’t a footrest, asshats. Put your left foot on the floor and keep it there unless that car has a clutch pedal. Stop flashing your brake lights like morse code for the brain damaged. How much for the .50 cal hood mounted machine gun?
Oh, that’s a good one. I was taught when I learned to drive a {ahem} couple of years ago that you brake when the car in front of you brakes. Yeah, right. Here’s a PSA for brake-riders - if you would back off a little from the car in front of you, you wouldn’t have to brake every other second.
To the woman at my subway station last week: I know your three year old gets a big kick out of pushing the buttons on the MetroCard vending machine. It’s darling. It’s precious. It’s teaching him valuable life skills. ** The time to learn those skills is not when there is a line of 15 people behind you**, waiting to use one of the two MetroCard vending machines, and one of them is broken.
To the MTA: Fix that other vending machine.
Back to the woman: Still, even if two are in operation, if it takes your child 14 minutes to purchase a MetroCard (and it does, because he’s three and can’t read and doesn’t have great motor skills yet), save the lesson until after rush hour.
It never fails that when I’ve got just barely enough time to buy a token, run down the stairs, and get on the train just before it pulls out, a family of out-of-town dingleberries will get to the token booth just in front of me.
“Hi, is this where we purchase the tickets?* We want to go to Cheers. Is this this right place to buy tickets for the subway train that goes to Cheers? It is? Good. I need four tickets, two adults and two children. Is there a discount if I’m a member of the Terra Haute Kiwanis? No? How come? You should really off discounts to members of the Terra Haute Kiwanis. Can I buy my tickets with my Diner’s Club card? I should be able to get a good discount with that. No discount? Huh. Well two of these tickets are children’s tickets. This is little Billy Bob. He’s only three. How much is the ticket if he is three? Really? Well, he can sit on my lap. You can’t charge me if he sits on my lap. Huh? Fine, I’ll pay, but I want to talk to your manager. And this is the subway train that goes to Cheers, right?”
*When someone referes to the tokens as “tickets”, the time has come for that person to get a severe beating.
