Second that! He doesn’t sound sound like he even CONSIDERS what YOU think. Confront him MILITANTLY about your concerns… because… they are YOUR concerns. Don’t listen to the posts out of “Wonderland.”
Here, here! This, in a nutshell, is the essence of a marriage. Your problems become my problems. The problem needs to be solved, and in some way other than, “Get over it.” He doesn’t have to acquire an intimate knowledge of why it’s your problem, only that it bugs you and it needs to be solved in a way that satisfies you.
Amen to that. He’s put you in a bind in which you can’t win. It may be because he’s immature, in which case you have a hope in hell that he’ll grow out of it. It may be because he’s a control freak, in which case now is the time to run. But this is not a good sign.
Has anyone heard from skittles? She hasn’t posted in over a week. I hope she’s okay.
I disagree with this. Mind, I am a lesbian, so I’m used to dealing with another woman.
It’s possible that your man isn’t empathizing with you because he doesn’t realise the importance of empathy in a romantic relationship. In his friendships, empathy isn’t always required to keep the relationship running, but it’s essential from day one in a romantic coupling. It’s possible that he clams up when you’re upset not because he doesn’t care, but because he hates to see you upset and doesn’t know what to do. So he gets frustrated and angry and does nothing. Tell him what helps you. Madonna says; “Most people are afraid to ask for what they want. That is why they don’t get what they want.” If you’re in a situation where you’re upset and he is clammed up, tell him what you need from him. Talk about it from there.
Sometimes just saying “I know this doesn’t bother you, but I am a different person and it’s bothering me”, is like a slap in the face. Don’t be afraid to state the obvious, because sometimes people need to hear the obvious to wake up. Also, acknowledging that you know he’s not bothered by these things points out to him that it’s not about who is right, and you’re not trying to tell him he SHOULD be bothered by them. I’m always saying to Amber, “We’re a team,” which means that even if one of us has a problem that is lost on the other, we attack it together. It’s not about being wrong or right. It doesn’t matter who “wins” or is right. What matters is that our relationship is more important than winning. We’d rather be wrong together than right alone.
Guy chiming in again.
Sometimes there is no cure for a problem EXCEPT “suck it up until it’s over.”
This may be one of those times.
And to continually harp on him about it makes him feel powerless, put-upon, and backed into a corner. He should definitely empathize with your issue (if there even is one- it’s not his house and he doesn’t get to decide who lives there), but, once he’s said, “I know this sucks for us, but there’s nothing I can do about it and we just have to stick it out,” well, to continue bringing it up is nothing more to him than malicious. You’re saving a good deal of money by staying where you are right now. How would that money be made up if you moved out? CAN you even move out? If not, if there are no choices, then why rail about the situation if it can’t change? Oh, I know why. To feel better at his expense.
I’m in a situation like that now. I have to carefully plan when and how I see my girlfriend- and it has to be on the sly because of the intense disapproval of her parents and the economic disaster it would be for her if they were to find out. There’s nothing I can do about it. There’s nothing she can do about it. So why should I keep bringing up the fact that the situation is shitty right now? It doesn’t help me and all it does is hurt her.
Sometimes one person’s need for reassurance has to take a backseat to the stability of the relationship. This looks like one of thise times.
I’m extremely sorry for not getting back to the thread.
I didn’t see any more responses for a while and stopped checking it.
I have updates if anyone is still interested…
Oh, as always, thank you so much to my Doper friends! You’re always there when I need you!
Of course we’re interested.
Yes!!
I usually don’t post to these kinds of threads, but I’ve been following this one and wondering… I hope it’s good news.
OK – well a lot has happened since my last post to this thread.
We had the talk that weekend, it wasn’t as successful as I would hope. I guess his personality is the type to really feel threatened if specifically asked questions. I really tried to be open and ‘airy’ about the discussion but his defense reflex is a quick one. So I stopped the conversation that night and we just decided to go out and try to have a good time.
The next day he brought the topic up! So, I guess at that point he was ready. He said the situation with his sister was really making him nuts and that he doesn’t see a way to help her realize she needs to grow up. He feels that if his dad were still alive things would be much different.
Now, mind you – we haven’t completely seen eye to eye on the non-movies things. BUT – we’ve done many more things since then that we’ve both been interested in……and we’ve been doing them together.
As far as the basket goes………sigh we still have the same ratty basket. But he jokingly said he will now see how long it lasts for him. I told him I would get another basket so I could be helpful……he told me he didn’t want me to spend time doing laundry. And that was that – no other laundry/basket fights yet. I did laugh at him as recently as yesterday because that poor thing needs to be put out of its misery!
One of the biggest things is the house/sister situation……it always has been. His sister went completely nuts at one point and started threatening us with calling the cops on us (because she was going to plant illegal narcotics in the house) and claim we were dealers. Then more and more things started with her and her boyfriend. And it just became VERY UGLY. I kept my mouth shut through this entire exchange and even suggested that we start looking for an apartment to save ourselves from this………well……….he wasn’t going to stand for her craziness anymore. We are closing on the house on the 27th of this month. His sister has moved out, and we’ll be home owners. I can’t tell you what a HUGE relief that alone as done for our relationship.
I guess if I really look back at all the crap – that was the biggest hurdle……I guess I really didn’t realize how much of a strain that was putting on me and him………thus causing us to be insane towards each other. Strange how people can react to things and not realize how much of an impact its having.
If you have more questions/concerns/comments I can address them…and I didn’t want to post anything longer than this babble already. 
That sounds pretty good! It’s a pity it had to come to that sort of insane thing with his sister to get everything worked out, but at least it became really obvious that something had to be done, so he won’t be second-guessing or feeling guilty.
Thanks Ferret Herder. I’m not happy that it had to come to a head like that, but I do hope that all parties benefit from the situation. I hear that they moved into a 4-family home (well 1/4 of a 4-family home) in the next town over. The mom has visited her there and says the apartment is nice. I’m sending her good thoughts that she can make something better for herself.