What happened to the “Kaboom”?
There was supposed to be an Earth-shattering KABOOM!
Now wait a dang minute! Just hold off yer flesh-eating virus for awhile. We all need some time to see who’s going to win this little wager.
Tripler
Just hold yer horses, Pilgrim!
FIRST off, I always suspected you were too good to be true, and now it’s confirmed!!
Reasons not to wipe out our planet:
** lightning bugs, and kids having fun catching them in jars with holes popped in the tops. Letting them go, showing mercy and having fun at the same time. **
** The smell of coffee brewing, being made by someone that you love. **
** Making love in the morning, when you’re both still snuggly and warm from sleeping. ** * OK! I don’t get to DO this, but I STILL remember it being terrific! *
** Destroying ‘Casablanca’, ‘African Queen’, ‘To Kill A Mockingbird’, ‘Best Years of Our Lives’, ‘Saving Private Ryan’, ‘Wizard of Oz’, ‘To Sir, With Love’, and ‘Get Shorty’
would probably short circuit your Big-Ass Laser, making it cry and die anyway. **
** The sound of kids laughing as they come up to your house, trick or treating. **
** The sound that fallen leaves make when you walk on them. **
** Roses in bloom. **
To make an omelette, one must break eggs. Similarly, I must now sadly accept that puppies will have to die.
Because of this. (Warning: could be extremely, eye-meltingly, offensive to anyone who has ever thought that the written language is a pretty neat thing.)
I can now watch my flesh boil away with a smile. Some things simply must be ended.
I concur with Drastic. 100%. Fire away!
I have some Invisible Thread here someplace… perhaps a demonstration will suffice??
You’re SUCH a lying bastard!!!
I knew ÐnßæŠÅgrbap, I worked with ÐnßæŠÅgrba! You sir are NO ÐnßæŠÅgrba!!!
Because I’ve never experienced two weeks of honeymoon bliss. Could you delay it until maybe mid-October?
Oh, and I still haven’t solved that perplexing math problem:
x = 42
So I might want it delayed a bit further until I accomplish that.
I think Euty already covered this! 
You know, I 've heard of Helium-neon lasers, helium cadmium, helium selenium, diode, ruby, CO[sub]2[/sub], etc. Always referring to components. Never a Big-Ass laser.
:: Picturing a huge construct of flashing lights, cables, and wires, with ÐnßæŠÅgrba shoving his bare Big-Ass into a strange looking receptacle…
…oh my God. Please fire. I’ll never get that picture out of my mind any other way but blessed oblivion…
I can now die a happy man.
Look, I don’t care what you do.
Not at all.
But if you screw up the upcoming plans for our party on Saturday I’m gonna kick your Big Ass Laser in a VERY uncomfortable place…
Look here, ÐnßæŠÅgrba, don’t make me call my friend Mike Finn up in Canada to take care of you!
1000 particlepoints to the first person who gets the reference.
Mickey Finn. The immensely powerful robotic scout from the Callahan books?
Listen you, quit humping the “Laser”.
Trip
Dear Alien Would-Be Destroyer of Human Kind Forever and Ever,
Please be aware that humans are quite difficult to get rid of, I mean, darn near impossible, soemtimes. I understand that your technology may be superior, but we are quite adaptable. We can probaly learn to live with your flesh eaters (we’ve had some of our own), and we will sonn have an anti Big Ass Laser Defence System (if the Republicans can still get anything through the Senate!). So I would suggest you spend your energy on something more productive, such as developing a better inter-planitary cable system so we can get those good channels from the other side of the Universe! Oh, oh, and how about a nice 7-day cruise to your planet at an all-inclusive rate under $1,500 per person? That would be swell.
Also, I would like to point out that the human race is quite capable of destroying itself, given enough time, so you may just want to settle back for another few thousand years and enjoy the spectacle.
Best Regards,
Human
P.S. - could you please get an alien name that does not torture the human tongue? Or perhaps this is how you truly plan to do away with us.
P.P.S. - if it’s not too much trouble, can you get your alien butt out of California? We already have power problems, and should you decide to play around with your Big Ass Laser we may have rolling blackouts in half of the damn state!
Mister Alien Whose Name I Can’t Pronounce:
Speaking on behalf of finches everywhere, I’d like to say
BRING IT ON, BABY! Wipe out humanity! Oh yeah! We’ve been waiting for the humans to kill themselves off, but their damn big-ass brains keep coming up with new ways to prolong their existence and make OURS more difficult.
You see, once the humans are gone, we finches will be the smartest creatures on the planet… well, except maybe for dolphins. And monkeys. And apes. And crows. Damn those crows.
Say, Mr. Alien, I don’t suppose you could zap the dolphins and monkeys and apes and those damn crows, I mean while you’re killing off the humans and all. It shouldn’t be too much more work for you, right?
Anyway, once those <scoff> mammals are out of the way, we finches will rule the planet! And I can assure you, Mr. Alien, we won’t make even half a mess of the planet as those furry abominations have!
I’d just like to say tha**<squuueeeeeeeeeeeEEEEEEE!!!>**
What the…?
Hey…is this thing on?!
Yup
You mean everyone heard that?
Yup
Er…uh…excuse me for a minute…
<flutterflutterflutter…thunk…THUMP!>
<squuuueeeeEEEEE!!!>
***Ahem
People of Earth:
As a duly designated spokesfinch for the International Union of Finches, I would like to state that the opinions of Darwin’s Finch do not necessarily reflect those of the IUF, and that we do not endorse the wholesale destruction of the human race, nor any of its mammalian relatives, nor of crows.
We would like to go on record as saying that the IUF, along with the American Songbird Association, the North American Alliance of Feathered Beings, and the Western-American Association of Small, Nondescript Groundbirds, have nothing but respect for both humans and crows.
You can be certain that Darwin’s Finch shall be disciplined appropriately for his comments.
In closing, we of the IUF beseech you, as well as Mr. Alien Whose Name We Can’t Pronounce, But Whom We Respect Every Bit As Much As Humans And Crows, in the immortal words of Rodney Kingfisher,
“Can’t we all just get along?”***
Aw, we’re sending him Al Sharpton? And Jesse Jackson? Maybe we should be blowing HIM (The Alien) up, then.
If not, fire away. Just put the sucker on Full Blast and not on Weenie Roast, mmmkay?
Demo, my good man, I have one word and one word only to present to you.
Breasts.
Thank you.