Give me Bad Sci-Fi plots to turn into wacky super short stories!

Cafe Society
21

well, you gave away the ending, so i’ll just make it warped! :wink:
The USSSSSSSSS WeLikeEsses was making it’s weekly delivery of bootleg Calvin and Hobbes dolls to Omicron Zeta III. The Captain was extremely bored as usually, and The First Mate was busy playing with knifes again. Suddenly, there was an explosion! Captain was thrown against the control panel, hitting the hyperdrive button. First Mate dropped her knife. The tiny ship was tossed and the resulting hyperdrive warp combined with the Hobbes dolls created a rift in the space time continuum. The USSSSSSSSS WeLikeEsses was thrown in, helpless.

“We’re in for it now!” bemoaned the Captain
“My poor knives” sighed the First Mate
“Hi, i’m the token black cook who will die when the ship crashes on the wilderness planet” Said the token black cook who will die when the ship crashes on the wilderness planet.

The Shipexited the spacerift and headed toward a crash corse with a wilderness planet dead ahead. "Uh, oh, " said the token black cook who will die when the ship crashes on the wilderness planet.

and he did.

Later, First Mate and the Captain surveyed the planet they were trapped on. “Looks like we will have to populate this planet, eh?” he joked.

Unfortunately, at that moment, Bill Waterson appeared, with a court order causing an immediat cease and desist in the shipment of Calvin and Hobbes dolls. “for shame to you,” he said. “for shame to Adam and Eve!”

22

All the sexy women turn into killer reptilehumanoids and giant obapinias destroy the earth. Killer bugmen attack, too.

23

Mods: Could I please have my username changed to Rod Hardmeat? Thanks.

…Good stuff, Tars.

24

Nice work. The plotline I gave you was the plot of a Roger Corman SF epic called “Terminal Virus.” Yours was much funnier than the movie script, but then, you probably spent five minutes thinking about it, which puts you 4 minutes and 30 seconds ahead of the people who wrote the script, which I consider to be one big missed opportunity.

My thought would have been something more along the lines of a series of comic failures to capture/seduce/persuade women to test the vaccine. Well outside the scope of your story limits, however.

25

Foreman: Hey, Billy, pass me that 2 by 4!
Billy: What’s that? I have NO CLUE!
Announcer: And thus began the strange phenomenon of Innocent Americans suddenly being turned into members of the Straight Dope Message Board. Meet Roger. Roger is a working class white male, married, with a 15 year old son. Last week, Roger suddenly became very interested in circumcision. VERY interested. Roger began accousting new parents at the local hospital if he found out they were going to circumcise their child. Eventually he started a fight with 44 year old Duane Johnson, who turned into 1500 Carpfish and preceded to smack Roger silly. While Roger recovered from his ordeal, his hospital roommate recovered from attacks received while trying to convince members of the Yale Astronomy Department that the moon landing was fake because of little elf houses on the sets.

We also caught this amazing happenstance on tape:

Guy: I’ll just walk outside here. Wait! why am i turning green?
Other Guy: And you’re sprouting leaves! And suddenly i am having a craving for Ambrosia! And to use AOL!
Guy: Egads, man! I’m hungry too, but for something…different!
Other Guy: I AM A GOD! No one can stop me!
::Guy finishes transformation into a Venus Flytrap and eats Other Guy::

Announcer: Shocking. There is also the case of Peter Jackson, who has announced that he is using the profit generated from the LOTR movies to fund 1800 new movies each taking the LOTR story and showing it from the perspectives of many different writers and styles.

Also, who else can explain a man turning into a green four armed monster, ripping off his close, and stalking a star of TV’s Enterprise? A man with a obsession with tracing? A man turning into a month? A woman who gets every square inch of her body tattooed with asterisks, and another that now cannot leave vegas except to correct spelling mistakes? And Pepe Morrison has set up a stand off Highway 5 for people who want to ask “Gay Guys” a question. Something must be done to combat this menace. Before we all… Gotcha Ya!

26

INTERRUPT TRANSMISSION

This is a communique from the Intergalactic Association of Space Pirates, Space Gansters, and Space Ganstas. We have recently been informed of a rash of stories linking Space Piratism with eating of skin. We have come to inform you that such rumors are unfounded. Members of IASPSGSG have not engaged in the eating of skin in three whole weeks. Any skin eating forces that you may have encountered are not officially sanctioned Space Pirates, and must be identified and fined accordingly. As a token of our sincerity, please accept this gift of Tater Skins brand potato chips, now with a new meat flavor! It is made by Keebler Elves, so it has to be good!

Since we ate their skin!

–OOPS!!!

RESUME TRANSMISSION

27

Giant alien spaceships appear over the Earth and begin communicating with one another via Earth’s own satellites.

A scrapyard owner decides to build a spaceship to go to the Moon.

Aliens invade Earth and are invulnerable to all weapons, but can’t stand water.

An alien named Jehovah-1 comes to a tiny planet called “Earth.”

A scientist develops a virus which causes women to become pregnant and give birth to dinosaurs.

28

A virus/bacteria pair used for genetically engineering blue roses escapes from the lab and results in the flowers of all plants turning blue; in most cases, this gives the wrong cues to the bees and the flowers remain unpollinated, huge shortages of fresh fruit cause widespread malnutrition and this leads to economic decline. Society itself has to be rebuilt and a two-tier class system emerges; 'A’s and 'B’s - 'A’s are the ‘ruling class’ but actually only have a life roughly equivalent to the average modern person, 'B’s are conscripted in huge nomadic gangs to travel about and manually pollinate the fruit trees and bushes (‘B’'s replace bees, see?) - over the course of a few centuries, a complex social order emerges among the 'B’s, including delegation of reproduction and a group overmind (i.e. they start to resemble colonies of social insects)

29

Aliens. Hilarity ensues!

30

Astronauts find a candy wrapper on the moon. A candy wrapper for a candy that has never existed in human history…

31

A Mars Bar™?

32

Hell, you can find candy like that at Big Lots.

33

Modern day Oedipus. 19 year old kid is playing Everquest. He meets a couple, kills the male and has cyber sex with the female. Turns out it’s his parents who are playing upstairs.

Haj

34

You’re killing me!

35

Aliens attack the Earth with a big, ugly monster. Conventional weapons such as tanks, jet fighters, and battleships prove totally useless against the threat, so the Earth’s only hope is a giant sword-wielding robot. Of course, the only one qualified to pilot the 18-meter tall metal behemoth is the son of the robot’s inventor.

For bonus points, make the hero part of a team of five giant robot pilots. The team must consist of the hero, who embodies the core values of the group; the rebellious second-in-command who despite openly feuding with the hero rushes to his aid at the critical moment; the good-hearted “big guy” who provides the team’s muscle; the obligatory kid sidekick; and the token female, who is an expert at computer hacking. Naturally, all five giant robots piloted by the team must combine to form a bigger, badder giant robot when all hope is apparently lost.

36

Humanoid-shaped earth robots invent a device they use to discover alien-shaped robots on a nearby planet. They team up to create hybrid “humalien”-shaped robots.

A time traveller from the future discovery a new, orthogonal aspect of time. This causes all sorts of time paradoxes and stuff.

Humans discover a colony of advanced humans living on a spaceship orbiting Mars. The advanced humans are the descendants of humans originally abducted by aliens over thousands of years, and they are studying Earth. Now they want to come back home.

A scientist accidently creates a microscopic blackhole that only sucks in legumes. Soon, earth has been denuded of its grasses. This causes long slumbering monsters in the ocean trenches to awake, and start emitting methanol into the atmosphere.

A drunk astronomer discovers a dumbbell shaped asteroid on a collision course with the earth. Nobody believes him, except for his dog. The dog must fight against all odds to restore credability to the astronomer to save the Earth.

Future humans have raved the planet and destroyed the ecosystem. Now, the survivors must build nifty vehicles and race each other, in order to save the Earth.

Slime molds are raised to superintelligence by a strange meteor that crashed near Cleveland. Now, humans are enslaved to the slime mold overlords. A small band of Euchre playing rebels must
find the five scattered pieces of the alien device that will destroy the slime molds once and for all.

Aeons in the future, humans have now colonized the whole galaxy. There is a big party on Planet Tywerwizco Omicron to celebrate the grand opening of the 1 quadrillionth Star Bucks.

37

Party on, dude! Hey, it’s Boomer’s turn to light the bong. And can I have the last of the whooping crane McNuggets; I’ve got killer munchies.

38

Blak’blak’a’blak’blaq came to Earth in search of a better life. His home planet of Narf’narf’a’narf’barf had become overrun by Robot Snorgs who undercut blue collar workers like Blak’blak’a’blak’blaq. Earth was a whole new territory, never colonized by anyone, except those grey aliens that had the cow and butt fetish.

Blak’blak’a’blak’blaq cruised into the San Francisco Bay and landed his ship in the water under the Bay Bridge, set up his remote controlled cloaking device and force field, and beamed out.
“Ah, my new home!” He said.
“You got some change?” asked SF Homeless Guy #12582945247
“What is this change?” asked Blak’blak’a’blak’blaq.
“Uh, change?”
“You humans suck” said Blak’blak’a’blak’blaq and blasted him.

Blak’blak’a’blak’blaq went to the INS and registered as an alien.
“What country did you come from?” asked INS Lady.
“Uhhhhh…” Suddenly Blak’blak’a’blak’blaq had something flash in his mind “Nigeria!” he said.
“Good, because they haven’t met the quota’s yet. Fill out these forms and get in line 3Q”
“Keen” he thought, paying no mind to why he had said Nigeria.

Blak’blak’a’blak’blaq got a job working at a local coffee place. It paid minimu wage, plus tips. Blak’blak’a’blak’blaq got a lot of tips, especially from female customers who’s orders Blak’blak’a’blak’blaq seemed to know before they walked in the door.

“How you getting so many tips?” asked Coworker Joe.
“Dunno. I guess i just know what the ladies want more than they do.”
“Please, no one knows what a women wants. They are insane” scoffed Coworker Joe.

And thus no one believed him. Eventually he got a TV show that made Springer look like Emmy material and married three times and had 6 kids.

39

Turkey the Dog was in his opinion the smartest dog that ever was. Much smarter than that stupid Rex and his “Philosopher’s Stone,” that arrogant curr! Turkey spend all day and night working in his secret underground lair, located beneath his doghouse. Inventions lied strewed across the floor, the brief fun had with them had burned out like candles left overnight. The lair contained laser guns, disintegrator rays, giant robots, bionic vampires, werewolf monkeys, peanut ninjas, anti-gravity rays, anti-anti-gravity rays, black hole seeds, clone machines, and a blob that danced the macarena.

But the crown jewel was almost complete. With a flip of a switch, a few wires soldered together, and a 9 volt battery, it was completed. From now on, no one would insult people with combovers again, and his master could walk down the streets freely without worrying about Rex mocking him behind his back. With a slight tremble with anticipation, Turkey flipped the switch, and the hypno-zyro-rays began permiating throughout the neighborhood. He raced upstairs, leaped outside his doghouse, and ran through his doggy door to glimpse his owner.

SUCCESS!!! Master looked like the Elvis he deserved to be! Take that, Rex!

Meanwhile beck at the motel (aka planet Motel, home of the Henious Hat-Men of Planet Motel)

Henious Hat-Man: There is a problem reported in Sector 3 of the Ugly Human world
Henious Hat-Man #2: what is the problem?
Henious Hat-Man: There is a 70% drop in sales among out agents.
Henious Hat-Man #2: Impossible. What is the problem?
Very Henious Hat-Man: Apparently the Ugly Human males no longer feel they have little to no hair. Something is interferring with their minds.
Surpreme Ultra Henious Hat-Man: Send in— The MAD HATTER!
Back on Ugly Human World, aka Earth

“Haha, Rex! Now i am the smartest dog! All the women want to smell MY butt!”
“Yes, you have bested me,” admited Rex, “for now! But soon my Frankenstein Hummingbird will be activated and you will pay!”
“Keep on dreaming, wisenheimer, i’m gonna score me some tail. Hey, pretty lady, you look prettier than Alpo on a–”

BOOM!

“What the-!?”
A giant octopus in a 6 foot top hat appeared in the Dog Park. “WHO IS RESPONSIBLE FOR THE HAIR?” it bellowed.

“Yipes!” gulped Turkey.
“That guy!” helped Rex.
“Jerk! I’ll get you!” said Turkey, ask he dashed away. The Mad Hatter fired lasers from his tentacle tips, and Turkey weaved left and right.
“ALL SHALL FALL BEFORE THE MAD HATTER!”

“what’s with that crazy fool, can’t lick himself?” mused Turkey while dashing to his lab, the Mad Hatter in hot pursuit. Turkey shot down the stairs and looked at the items laying around the floor. He grabbed some robots, peanut ninjas, a disintigrator ray, and the dancing blob and made his plan. The Mad Hatter fired again and blasted the doghouse to splinters, exposing the lair. “NOW YOU FALL, PUNY FURRY ONE!”

“Think again, Tenta-dork!” Turkey threw out the blob, which promptly began dancing the Macarena. “WHAT THE?” yelled the Mad Hatter. distracted, he failed to notice the giant robots sneaking up from behind. Suddenly, the Peanut Ninjas struck, and the Mad Hatter was kicked in the chest and fell over the giant robots behind him. Turkey fired the disintigrator ray, and blasted the Mad Hatter into the next world. All that was left was his hat.

Turkey examined the hat, saw “property of Planet Motel” marked on the inside, and used FedEx to mail it back with a note saying “Better Luck Tomorrow”

One week later, Turkey is still on top of the world, but suddenly it all crashed down. HIS FOOD DISH WAS EMPTY! This would not stand! Turkey went into the house, only to find his master busy chatting up a pretty girl.

“i do this for you, and this is the thanks i get? Not on my watch!” And Turkey destroyed the device, and was greated by the scream of the woman as she fleed the house.

“Now a dog can finally get some grub” said Turkey, and all was right with the world.

40

:smiley: