The sun has long been predicted to swell into a red giant in about 5 billion years, at which time it would consume the earth. Turns out scientists were a tad late in their prediction as the sun is showing signs of expanding right now and the earth will be engulfed in a huge firestorm in a relatively short time (say 10 to 20 years). People have to make plans right now for figuring out how to get off the planet and where to go for safety and re-start civilization there. Since we can’t build a spaceship big enough to carry all 6 billion people on earth (not to mention all the animals) it has to be decided who stays for the Big Inferno and who are the lucky few who get to leave.
Here’s the other one:
The earth’s spin mysteriously becomes faster (due to some gravitational glitch in the sun, you said bad sci-fi plots, after all ). People don’t notice at first, but soon the days are getting to be less than 24 hours long. As the spin gets faster it disrupts the day/night cycles we’re all accustomed to. Weather patterns also change. While the earth picks up speed its tilt increases, further skewing the seasonal cycles. Eventually all chaos breaks out and the rate of rotation eventually reaches a point where it can actually be felt. An alternative to this plot would be to have the earth slow down and eventually grind to a halt (both rotation and orbit), leaving some people “stranded” in permanent daylight and others stuck in nighttime darkness.
Marc was spending a leisurely Saturday oogling the women on the beach. Like every Saturday, he was being shot down faster than a clay duck at an NRA convention. “where’s the love?” he moaned. Suddenly, one of the women was beckoning him. “Hey, finally someone sees my inherant sexyness!” he mused and strolled over. The woman smiled, tossed her blonde hair, and spat venom into Marc’s eyes.
“AAAuuuggghhhh!!” He screamed. The woman ripped off her skin revealing lizard scales, and started chomping down on Marc’s stomach as he kept screaming.
Cheyenne Mountain
Army grunt: Sir! Sir! Women are turning into repitel humaniods and giant obapinias threaten to destroy the earth!
Army General Tractor: What the hell is a obapinia?
Army grunt: No idea, sir, i was just told to relay the message.
General Tractor: get me a dictionary!
Grunt: Sir, Yes, Sir!
Grunt: Sir, obapinia is not in the dictionary! And i can’t find it online, either!
General Tractor: Damn Terrorists have struck again! Deploy the troops, kill these lizard women and make belts out of them, and find out whatever an obapinia is and kill them, too!
The Army sprung into action, but not after many of it’s men were killed by their wives/girlfriends/hookers. Meanwhile, the search for the obapinias marched forward.
Sgt. Bundy: Kill anything that sounds like Obapinia is the new general order, so get cracking!
Pvt. Batmann: Hey, this OboePlayer might be what they are talking about!
Oboeplayer: Huh?
Army dudes: Blast Him!!!
Oboeplayer: YAAARRRGGGHHH!!!
Pvt. Johnson: destroy all pine trees, also! and Boa constrictors! And Matlock!
Meanwhile, lizard women march on New York
Bill Clinton: Now, all you ladies just simmer down, and we can go back to my trailor and discuss things, all cozy like
Lizard woman: HISSSSS!!!
Bill Clinton: Now that ain’t gonna work on me, i’m married to Hillary!
Lizard woman: I guess you’re right, let’s go talk.
Bill: Hear, wear these kneepads…
Suddenly, Killer bugmen attack the Earth as well
Killer Bugman Leader: I shall destroy one Earth City every hour unless you all surrender!
Colin Powell: You better get out of here, obapinias are attacking!
Killer Bugman Leader: Obapinias?!?!?!?!!? Let’s get out of this cursed rock! Fly, Bugmen, Fly!
The war with the Reptile women does not go well, as more and more men are lead to their deaths at the hands of the spitting reptile women of death. (much like real life).
General Tractor: Oh, shall we ever defeat these reptile women?
Pvt. Johnson: I don;t know, sir, but i’m going to see what that hot girl over there wants
General Tractor: NO! you fool!
Pvt. Johnson: NARRGGHHH!!!
General Tractor: That’s it, i’m nuking the world!
And he did, but the giant obipinias destroyed Earth before the missiles landed.
keep your pants on, NCB, i got work and classes keeping me tied up.
Ralph Jones stopped his rusty Chevy truck outside his Bakersfield home, and sighed, wore out from a hard day at the Itty-Bitty-Screws plant. He drug himself into the house, his wife greating him with a grunt from the kitchen. Ralph grabbed a plate of the catfish she made and slided into his groovemark on the couch, flicking on the TV to his favorite show, Everybody Loathes Roberto, but Roberto didn’t look like. In fact, he looked like some sort of slimely lizard think with red hair and lipstick. And he was going on about how Glip was cheating on Gurlgemeck, despite her having 1500 maggots at home. Ralph was getting upset at how bad network programming had become, and flipped the channel. Another lizard monster was droning on about saving money on long distance bills. Ralph kept flicking, finding more lizard monsters in various degrees of ugly all talking about random things he would expect to hear on the phone.
“what the Freaky Friday is going on?” he queried. He flicked on the radio and tuned into KCHAT. Lazlow was being his usually sarcastic self, but the subject was what was happening with the TVs. No one seemed to have a clue, but the callers kept calling in with wilder and wilder stories about werewolves with pirate TV stations to Moon men that eat angle fish and give off the odd lizard program as a digestive byproduct. Eventually all the radio programs got intterrupted by the President.
“My fellow Americans, today, aliens have hijack all of the Earth’s communications sattelites and TV stations in the name of their phone company, BQ&Q. This is an agregious and henious act, and i shall not rest until i have solved it. at 8:33 pm, i ordered all communication sattelites and TV stations destroyed in order to save them.”
The unspeakable had happened. People had to live without TV! this was an unthinkable situation, and many Americans panicked. Soon the panic spread worldwide, and global chaos reigned. Eventually it all died down when people remembered they could use their VCRs and DVD players. Blockbuster made record earnings, and Movie theaters made record box office takes. and 150 years later, we found out what planet those aliens were from and nuked it from orbit. That will learn them!
In a world where nothing is at it seems, the dark recesses of the mind cannot fanthom what i have unleashed upon the world. This is the memoir of Dr. Jonathon Van Porkenheimer, the bringer of chaos.
April 11, 2024
Success in the mammals! A hamster gave birth to a two inch egg. Unfortunatly it turned out to be a Robin egg, but it is the first mammal/egg birth i have created.
April 19, 2024
The Hamster gave birth to a healthy protocerotops egg. Unfortunatly the size of the egg destroyed the mother’s internal organs and i had to clean the cage myself as my midget assisstant wouldn’t go near it. Damn you, Spud!
June 17, 2024
Successfully inpregnated a Monkey with a Raptor egg. Expected to give birth within the month
June 22, 2024
Damn Spud left the cage door open, the Monkey has escaped, and is still pregnant! If the public finds out about this, i could lose my funding!
July 2, 2024
Monkey appariantly gave birth some time over the weekend, and the baby velociraptor just ate a puppy in nearby Ohio. Have no way of knowing if the virus i used to infect the monkey and transcribe it’s cells into random dinosaur offspring can be transferred to other monkeys or other species.
March 12, 2025
Some rich yuppie woman just gave birth to a 250 pound Ankylosaur. Thank goodness i didn’t have to puch that out! unfortunately i feel i bear some responsibility for this incident. Maybe if i move to Eritrea i can escape what is soon to be negative publicity.
April 14, 2025
Damn Spud went to the tabloids after Madonna’s daughter gave birth to a pterodactyl. Also California is starting to look like lizard city with all the dinobabies running around the playgrounds. I’m off to hide out in Eritrea
June 15, 2025
Interpol caught up with me in Eritrea, but narrowly escaped when agents were eaten by a pack of hungry T-rexes abandoned by their terrified mothers
December 14, 2036
No human baby has been born for five years. Just more stupid dinosaurs. and their test scores are terrible! This whole class across the planet is going to end up retaking kindergarten.
March 1, 2038
created new virus to turn dinosaurs into people. backfired and turned Lemurs into radioactive firebeasts. The Sultan of Madagascar threatened to kill me if i ever looked at his country again. since the whole island is now a pile of ash i am not worried. The Lemurs are fighting dinosaur troops in Congo/Zaire/Whatever it is named this week.
October 14, 2040
Dinosaurs have banded into armies in 120 nations. all humans are under seige. and Time Magazine released an expose blaming ME for the whole thing! The NERVE! I’ll get them…
October 17, 2040
Designed a virus to destroy all Time Magazine employees. Very effective.
February 19, 2041
The Dinosaurs control all equatorial nations, and are making ground in the temporate zones. President George R W Q U E S D Bush raised our terror level to “Jurassic Orange”
October 13, 2041
Named “Man of the Year” by the new editors of Timee magazine, the dinosaurs
Stegosaurus 18, 1 AD (After Dinosaurs)
All hail our glorious masters. Mind matters not, Size matters all! Mind matters not, Size matters all! Mind matters not, Size matters all! Mind matters not, Size matters all! Mind matters not, Size matters all! Mind matters not, Size matters all! Mind matters not, Size matters all! Mind matters not, Size matters all! Mind matters not, Size matters all! Mind matters not, Size matters all! Mind matters not, Size matters all! Mind matters not, Size matters all! Mind matters not, Size matters all! Mind matters not, Size matters all! Mind matters not, Size matters all! Mind matters not, Size matters all! Mind matters not, Size matters all! Mind matters not, Size matters all!
Apatosaurus 3, 4 AD
This new virus i made turns all dinosaurs into Centepede arcade games! Take that! Uh, oh, one of them jumpy spiders! Look o–BOOMM!!!
Editor’s note: The author was killed by a jumping spider that emerged from a Centepede game shortly after the last journal entry
THE END
That one sucks, but i’m tired…next one will be better…
A virus/bacteria pair used for genetically engineering blue roses escapes from the lab and results in the flowers of all plants turning blue; in most cases, this gives the wrong cues to the bees and the flowers remain unpollinated, huge shortages of fresh fruit cause widespread malnutrition and this leads to economic decline. Society itself has to be rebuilt and a two-tier class system emerges; 'A’s and 'B’s - 'A’s are the ‘ruling class’ but actually only have a life roughly equivalent to the average modern person, 'B’s are conscripted in huge nomadic gangs to travel about and manually pollinate the fruit trees and bushes (‘B’'s replace bees, see?) - over the course of a few centuries, a complex social order emerges among the 'B’s, including delegation of reproduction and a group overmind (i.e. they start to resemble colonies of social insects) And then Space Pirates eat their skin!!!
Just kidding!
Real story, abridged form since plot is complicated:
“Hey, don’t drop that agar plate, it’s got the mutated bateria on it!”
SHATTER!
“Now you did it, Fu! I’m not taking the blame!”
One week later
“Hey, Fu, check out the roses outside, they’re blue!”
“What the heck?!”
One month later
“In what at first was thought to be a fluke, blue flowers have appeared all over the country, spreading rapidly from the Duke campus. Dubbed “Blue Devil Flowers,” they have been regarded as the sign of the apacolypse by several religious cults, most notably the Cult of Kool-Aid-Man worship, who attempted to fill Duke Stadium with Rocket Berry flavor Kool-Aid last thursday. These new blue flowers are a deadly menace, as bees aren’t cued to their strange radiance of blue that no normal flower possesses. This has lead to a decrese of pollenization of plants, and the new mutated pollen has appareantly decided it is too good to be carried by the wind, to the releif of many allergy sufferers, who are now trying to make dogs and cats blue as well to see if that works also.”
Three months later
“I’m here in downtown London, where food shortages have caused three weeks or rioting. the city is in chaos, the Royal Family has fled for Australia, and some rich businessmen have bought themselves armies and are now marching the streets shooting people they don’t-”" RATTATATATAT!
“Uh, Steve? Steve?”
Six Years Later
"You do the work, you’ll get the food. Otherwise you’ll starve. Stupid Betas, kneel before your Alpha god!
“D’oh!”
Three Centuries Later
“i like to work”
“i like to serve”
“i like to clean”
“That’s right, you Bottomfeeders! Clean My Kitchen, or no oranges for you!”
“i like to eat oranges”
“Yes, but to get them you must clean.”
Kirk, McCoy, Spock, and Ensign Thunder beam down. “Facinating, Jim, this planet is just like Earth!”
“Yes, McCoy…but there is…subtle differences!”
“Captain, these plants are all blue. Facinating!”
“Your just mad their not green, like your pointy eared emotionless self!”
“Yes, I am emotionless. Thank you, doctor!”
Suddenly, Ensign Thunder say something. “hey, lookie at this here devicey! It’s got a hose that—AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!”
“He’s dead, Jim!”
“What kind of MONSTER PLANET is this? That THING just killed one of my crew!”
“hello. we are the bottomfeeders. we like to clean”
“What the? Spock?”
“Facinating, Captain, these seemed to be lower caste humans serving a higher caste overlord group that lives in the cloud and controls the food supply!”
“How the devil did you figure that out, Spock?”
“It says so on their T-Shirt!”
“Hey, this… one’s pretty… hot, let me put… the moves… on her. Do you know…What a kiss is?”
“Kiss? What is ‘Kiss’?”
“Let me learn you, baby!” SMOOCH!
“I like this…‘Kiss’, i shall now kiss often”
“Groovy,” said Kirk.
Armed guards: That’s it, your under arrest!
*In the Prision in the sky *
Spock: I’ll use a Vulcan Mind Grip to get us out!
And he does.
Kirk Stands before the Sky King
Kirk: You must treat all your people equally, or else your perfect society won’t exist. it is the moral thing to do. Dammit man, be moral!
Sky King: Okay. Plus the Bottomfeeders are doing something called a “kiss,” i need to get me some of that.
back on the Enterprise
McCoy: Even with their perfect society of hive mindlessness, it all fell apart when lust took over. Put that in your greenblooded pipe and smoke it!
Spock: Just another example of emotions destroying a perfect society. If i could cry i would weep for the destruction of the civilization.
Kirk: I’m just glad no one mentioned the Prime Directive in this episode!
MAD SCIENTIST: “International Astronomical Union, my buttocks! Those fools! They still cling to their misguided belief that the sun’s core has enough hydrogen to sustain the proton-proton chain for the next 5 billion years! Can’t they see the signs? Don’t they know that the sun’s core is running out of fuel right now?!”
MAD SCIENTIST’S GRAD STUDENT: “But, you remember what professor Snow said. Your basing that conclusion on the fact that the sun’s X-ray output has been 20% lower than normal for the last 6 months. Anything could be causing that. Heck, even an increase in sunspots could reduce the sun’s X-ray output.”
MAD SCIENTIST: “And have there been any increases in sunspots in the last 6 months?!”
GRAD STUDENT: “Well, yeah, actually, we’re at the peak of the sunspot cyc–”
MAD SCIENTIST: “Silence! That’s just what they want you to believe! They’re feeding you lies so as not to start a panic. The sun’s core is out of gas. I know it. When it starts to shrink, the shell of hydrogen around the core will ignite, producing many times the energy the core used to produce. The resulting radiation pressure will cause the sun to expand into a red giant. We have to evacuate the Earth now!”
MAD SCIENTIST’S WIFE: “Um … but last month, you told me that all the standard models for stellar evolution predict that it takes tens of thousands of years for a main-sequence star to expand into a red giant.”
MAD SCIENTIST: “Well, that was then! Those ‘standard’ models were invented by the same so-called professors who have been telling you all this time that the sun’s got 5 billion years left to run. We all know what a bunch of cheats and liars those guys are! I’m telling you, the Earth will be incinerated by the end of the decade!”
GRAD STUDENT: “But --”
MAD SCIENTIST: “I’m telling you!”
At this point, the graduate student slowly backs out of the room.
MAD SCIENTIST’S WIFE: [nervously] “Uh … so … what are you, um, going to do now, honey?”
MAD SCIENTIST: “The only thing I can do! They won’t listen. None of them will listen. By the time they finally learn The Truth, it will be too late. The only chance we have to survive the coming catastrophe is if we build our own space ship and send our infant sun away from the Earth!”
MAD SCIENTIST’S WIFE: [horrified] “JOR!! You can’t be serious!!”
MAD SCIENTIST: “I am serious! And stop calling me Shirley!”
MAD SCIENTIST’S WIFE: “Shirley?”
MAD SCIENTIST: “We’ll build a rocket ship capable of crossing the vast reaches of interstellar space. It’s the only chance our son will have to survive. I’ve already found a suitable planet to send him to. It’s a big, beautiful blue-green world orbiting Antares right smack-dab in the middle of the star’s comfort zone. The planet is named … Krypton!”
And then, space pirates eat their skin.
A giant elongated pentagonal gyrobicupola made of antimatter attacks as the obapinias and the bugs and the humans and the lizard’s war continues. 34 sumo wrestlers made of stone begin battling, and the earth becomes a giant arena for alien races to show their prowess. this awakens, Sh’tumak’leel, the giant flaming badger with claws as long as the sun is hot and rages more than a hurricane. the badger whips out the cannons from his back and begins fighting for the humans. and space pirates eat sushi and eat some people’s skin.
the internet at my house was down all weekend, went up for two 1/2 hours sunday, then went down again. and is still down. I’ll try to get one or two done while at work.
Cow flatulence triumphs and the Earth becomes a methanous greenhouse.
or
In the FUTURE!, aliens wreak experimental genetic havoc on humans, leading to the evolution of a new species in which the men are the ones who get pregnant. Mankind’s last best hope rests (naturally) on a tough-as-nails, kick-ass ex-military rogue type guy… who’s one week away from full term.
Real quick since i gotta go, no editing (like there was much before…)
Donald Muscatelly looked out from his sixth floor office at the night sky. “Why the monkey raping parrot is it dark? it’s only 4:00! What is going on?”
A good question indeed, one scientists across the planet have been racing to answer in secret. A brain trust had been set up in the Nevada desert to solve just that riddle, lead by the most presigious scientists of our time, including that guy who invented the Q-tip, a man who likes camels, and Brainette McCranium, super genius woman.
“Ladies and Gentlemen,” Brainette began, the Earth is speeding up due to a sunspot storm coupled with anti-gravity!"
“That’s preposterous!” Yelled the man who likes camels. “The sun can’t do that!”
“yes, but no one bothered to tell the sun that, and so it has!” responed Brainette. “So now we need to send a Space Shuttle to the Sun, and drill to the Core of the Sun, and Nuke it. It is the only way to save the earth!”
“Let’s do it!” Yelled the guy who invented Q-tips.
“Are you crazy?” asked the guy who likes camels.
“Of course! Only a crazy person could invent the Q-tip!”
And so the Gov’t went out to look for the best drillers in the world. They found: Bruce Willis, Ben Affleck, The Kingpin, The Next Karate Kid, Chucky, and Megalon.
“Men,” Said Cigar-Chomping Drill Seargent, “I only have 2 weeks to train you to be space dudes. Luckily, due to the faster Earth rotation, that gives me 47 days! Now let’s get cracking!”
“Why am i here?” asked Chucky.
47 days later…
“Good job, people. Now, get in this special NASA supershuttle we just happened to have lying around that looks 100times cooler than anything in real life!” said President Marky Mark.
“Why is he president?” asked Chucky.
And they got in and blasted off. Aerosmith was there and sang, until the shuttle exaust burnt them to a crisp. First was a stop at the ISS.
“That’s it, i’m getting off.” said Chucky, but then suddenly the ISS caught fire. “Why is there fire in space?” demanded Chucky.
“I don’t know” said Crazy Russian Guy #1
“I like communism” Said Crazy Russian Guy #2
“We only need one ethnic stereotype in this story” raged Chucky and knifed Crazy Russian Guy #2.
“Oh, Das bad!” Said Crazy Russian Guy #1
“And why are you speaking German?” Chucky insensed.
The Super Shuttle barely escaped the ISS exploding in a gigantic fireball that enveloped the moon and burnt a smiley face on the Sea of Tranquility. Then headed towards the moon.
“Meteors!” Yelled Ben Affleck and was then struck in the head and killed by one.
“Who will J-Lo marry now!” cried Chucky. Megalon weeped as well, for he was carrying Affleck’s child.
The super shuttle pulled up to the moon, and began landing precedures.
“okay, thrusters at 100, bring her down to 200 meters, 100 meters, turn on kill switch, and bring her down!” Clang! “there we are! boy it’s hot…AAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!”
And they all burned up.
Then the Earth sped up to 5,000,000,000,000 rotations a day and everyone spun off into space.
All fictional events become reality and wreak havoc on civilization. A 600-cell (4-dimensional shape) falls from the sky and begins destroying the planet. Each dimension merges, and all hell breaks loose.
So there’s this four-armed, green-skinned Martian who writes bad science fiction in an Earth language in a strange, extra-dimensional group hallucination-space devoted to the worship of the legendary, and possibly unreal, founder from misty antiquity (and fighting ignorance)…
). People don’t notice at first, but soon the days are getting to be less than 24 hours long. As the spin gets faster it disrupts the day/night cycles we’re all accustomed to. Weather patterns also change. While the earth picks up speed its tilt increases, further skewing the seasonal cycles. Eventually all chaos breaks out and the rate of rotation eventually reaches a point where it can actually be felt. An alternative to this plot would be to have the earth slow down and eventually grind to a halt (both rotation and orbit), leaving some people “stranded” in permanent daylight and others stuck in nighttime darkness.