I am Juan Carter and this is my story. It was many years ago, I found myself far from my home, being mercilessly tormented by the Indians (it was the second game of a double header in Cleveland). Desperate to escape my skyrocketing ERA, I ran to the back of the dugout. There I lifted my eyes to the heavens and saw Mars shining in the sky. I suddenly felt my soul pulled from my body, borne towards that planet.
When I awoke, I instinctively knew I was on Mars. The mossy ground, the sudden feeling of freedom that came from the lighter gravity, and the group of green-skinned, four-armed, ten-foot tall martians surrounding me with “Mars Rulz!” tattoos all made me sure of my situation.
The leader, the biggest baddest, father-rapingest of them all leaned over me and said.
“Aha, trespasser! Now we must test you to the death with the traditional Barsoomian test of mettle – the rap-off contest!”
Despite the fact that the martian could hold two mikes and work a turntable at the same time in his four arms, I knew it would be a contest, despite my never having rapped before (having spent all my free time learning to sword fight at SCA meetings). Somehow, here on Mars, I found that I had phat rhymes and beats that wouldn’t stop.
On and on we battled, into the night, rhymes flying like bullets or jet planes or like flying monkeys with jet-packs. Finally, he knew our mad rhymes were equal, and said we had to settle it with a tie-breaker round: the bad science fiction contest.
I knew I could never beat him in this, and was sad.
But just then space pirates attacked! They ate lots of the green men’s skin! I was worried because I liked my skin, and because the big bad green rhymemaster had a really cool “Mars Rulz!” tattoo, and it would be too bad if it was eaten.
Luckily, then a bunch of space ninjas appeared! With space guitars!
They were so cool the space pirates heads totally exploded.
They we rocked out into the night, me the space ninjas and the mad green wordmaster.
I woke up with a note pinned to my uniform, saying “after you passed out staring at the exit sign, you got reassigned to single A in North Carolina”
But it’s OK, because Mars was cool, and by cool, I mean totally sweet.
Since the internet is STILL down, and i keep having classes and work, only one story today as well
The year is 2041. It has been 15 years since WWIII, the nuclear horror had destroyed most of the major cities and produced a generation of mutants. Not fun X-men mutants, but brain eating goat raping mutants. Donald was an average Joe (except named Donald) who lived in the ruins of Paris and led a small band of humans in their fight against giant mutant insects that roamed the French countryside, eating snails and guffawing. Donald’s second in command was Super Model Lakosha, a six foot thinly built brunette who was an expert at Karate, Ninjitsu, Tae Kwan Do, and her own martial art, Purge Fu. Lakosha glanced at the night sky. “Clear night. Type of night the bugs like.” She then donned her ninja robes and vanished into the night to scout around.
“I want two groups on watch, the rest on food patrol” barked Donald, and his rag-tag team split up into their respective duties. Donald led two men into the bakery district of Paris to search for food. Suddenly they were leaped upon by the Bakery Gang, a group of mutated French Bakers.
“Sacre Blue!” said Donald. “Blast 'em!” And his team opened fired, blowing away crazy french breadmen left and right. Soon it was over, and 8 chefs were dead. But the noise attracted someone else’s attention. “Hey, i think i smell some coffee” said Guy With Donald #1. “Me too,” said Guy With Donald #2, “this way!” they wandered toward the smell, and too late realized their mistake. Coffee-smelling mucas blobs nailed them head on. SPLUT SPLUT!
“Arrgghh!!” yelled Guy With Donald #2. Suddenly what spit the mucas blobs cam into view, a giant Grasshopper 50 feet tall.
“NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!” yelled Guy With Donald #1 as he was eaten. Donald arrived just in time to see Guy With Donald #2 go down the hatch. The grasshopper prepared to spit at Donald, who instead fired his shotgun right at the grasshopper’s mouth, blowing off part of it’s head. The grasshopper screamed a mutated grasshopper scream, which i you’ve ever heard one, you never want to hear one ever again, i tell you what. This ticked Donald off, and he pulled out his bowie knife and threw it at the grasshopper, nailing it right between the eyes. This just made the grasshopper madder, who then tried to smach Donald. Suddenly, a shadow flew into the fray and was like a blur beating the grasshopper left and right. It was Lakosha! Soon her ninja skills had reduced the grasshopper to a ball of mush, which she then rolled toward the camp, as dinner was ready to be served.
That night at dinner:
“Munch Munch” ate Donald and the rest of his party.
“you know, i was just thinking…” began Brainy Smurf
“Don’t strain the pea…” muttered Donald
“That in that last story, why didn’t they just land on the sun at night? that would keep them from burning up!”
Donald sighed with the power of a million bored T-Rex’s. Just then, Lakosha looked up, and vansihed into the night. This made the rest of the party slightly nervous, until they heard someone approaching, then they were very nervous. A figure appeared. “Hello.” he said. “i am Lance Armstrong and have come to race the Tour De France.”
“Wha-aa?” said the entire party, mouths agap. Even Lakosha stood with her mouth open beneath her mask, with sword ready inches from stabbing Armstrong’s back.
“Yes, it is true!” said Lance. “I had cancer on my balls, and then had a baby and raced some bikes. That makes me a hero, so our new president, Mr. T, sent me to race the Tour De France.”
“I hate to burst your bubble, Mr. Armstrong, but the Tour De France hasn’t been run for 15 years, because of the war and giant mutant insects and all.” said Donald.
“Yes, but i shall bring it back!” Cried Lance Armstrong. “All i need is 50 stout men and 50 stout bikes!”
“Kill him!” said Donald, and Lakosha brought the blade home.
Later
“Munch Munch. This is much better than Insect fries!” said Donald.
“Yep, taste like chicken!” said Brainy Smurf
“Pass me that skin” said Lakosha, future space pirate ninja.
A colony ship crashlands on its destination planet, leaving only two survivors, a man and a woman. They survived because they were in sickbay, which is the best-protected part of the ship. He introduces himself: “My name is Adam. What’s yours?” She replies, “Lilith,” and hacks him to death with a kitchen knife. The sickbay included a locked psych ward.
General Tractor: Looks like my nuking of the world caused a rip in the space time continuum that flung all of us humans, lizards, bugs, and obapinias into an alternate earth, where we all have duplicates as well…
Mirror General Tractor: Yes, but I have a goatee…
And thus the war continues.
Pvt. Gugenheimer: Take that ya’ bug! And that! Come Get some! and this! I got somethin’ for you!
Bug Drone #28485320: Negative, humaniod. Your weapons are ineffective over our latest exoskelton upgrade. Now feel the wrath of our corp of bombadier beetles!
Suddenly 400 Bombadier beetles 300 feet long appear in the sky as if a dark cloud. A terrible flushing noise is heard, then it appears to rain. But it is not rain…
Pvt. Gugenheimer: AAAAIAIAIAIAIAIAIAIAAAI!! IT BURNS!!! MY EYES!!!
Bug Drone #28485320: Hahahaha! Foolish human, WE are in control now!
Obipina Overlord: NOt SO FAst, BUg DRone #28485320, THe ARmy OF THe OBipinia HAve COme TO ENslave THis PLanet’s INhabitants!
Bug Drone #28485320: Why are the first two letters of each word you say capitalized?
Obipina Overlord: PErhaps SOmeone FOolishly THought IT A VIsual JOke. NO MAtter, KNeel BEfore OUr POwer!
Bug Drone #28485320: the Bugs shall never kneel, as our knees are not built for it! Bugs, Attack!!!
And they did. Thousands of Beetles, Weevils, LadyBugs, Centipedes, Box Elder bugs, Carpenter ants, and Daddy Long Legs poured over the hillside, heading toward the Obipina camp. Obipinia soldiers donned Death Ray Bazooka Hats and ran out to meet the enemy, firing all the way. The sounds of the battle could be heard for hundreds of miles. Mrs. Lily Von Fuddybuddy was upset that it interfered with her watching reruns of Hunter that she called the police, who were then alerted to the Bug menace. The Army returned, this time armed with thousands of gallons of Raid. But would Raid work against the giant bugs?
Meanwhile 1 million miles from earth, a–
Lt. Van Der Walls: Uh, excuse me, but will the Raid be effective?
Meanwhile 1 million miles from ea–
Lt. Van Der Walls: Hey, answer the question!
A rock hit Lt. Van Der Walls on the head and killed him.
Lt. Van Der Walls: Hey! ::WUMP!::
Meanwhile 1 million miles from earth, another player was about to make it’s move.
Dictator Giant Elongated Pentagonal Gyrobicupola: Now is the perfect time to invade Earth, they are too busy fighting to fight!
Assistant Dictator Giant Elongated Pentagonal Gyrobicupola: What?
Dictator Giant Elongated Pentagonal Gyrobicupola: Prepare the invasion fleet!
The massive fleet barreled down upon an already war weary Earth. All three of the vessels armed were packed full of 5 troops each, making it the most powerful Giant Elongated Pentagonal Gyrobicupola invasion on record. The fleet barreled down, and then…crashed in Japan!
Kenji: Sore wa nani deshita ka?
Yoshiko: Misete!
Yoshiko pointed to the hillside, where the hills were crumbling, revealing stone Sumo Wrestlers. Their eyes then opened, and the stone warriors began to move! suddenly, they were performing dohyo-iri, and a Stone Gyoji flew in from Lord knows where.
Kenji: E-eeeeee! Dooshiroo?
Yoshiko: Gamera o yonde kudasai!
Kenji: Mochiron!
Both: GAMERA!!!
Meanwhile, Stone Sumo Wrestler Yamamoto had just hataki-komi-ed Stone Sumo Wrestler Fujitsu, and Stone Sumo Wrestler Honto had just pulled off a ketaguri. Unfortuantely, all of the noise of the stone giants smashing into each other awoke Sh’tumak’leel, the giant flaming badger with claws as long as the sun is hot and rages more than a hurricane. He whipped out his back lasers and started mowing down citizens across Nairobi. Also, in New York, a Vulcan and a Wookiee were fighting in an arena. but back to Sh’tumak’leel, who then used his magic Badger powers to devour Madagascar. Suddenly, Martin of Redwall appeared, and told Sh’tumak’leel he was needed at Salamandastron, and they left together.
then Gamera appeared. Gamera is friend to all children, is really neat, and full of meat. But he was no match for Stone Sumo Wrestlers, who pushed him out of the doyo effortlessly. Gamera was so depressed, he cried and ate chocolate ice cream while watching Oprah. Nothing could stop the stone Sumos, until the bugs attacked with jackhammers, and then the aliens from Space Invaders also decided to attack as well, but as they attacked in squads and just slowly got lower and lower, they were easy pickings for what was left of Earths military. Also the Raid worked on the bugs, and the obipinias got bored with earth when a planet of monkeys with red butts was found, and they all went there. Thus the world was saved from invaders, but had twice the population because of all the goateed dopplegangers, and then goateed George W. Bush invaded Canada, but space pirates led by Lakosha and Brainy Smurf ate his skin. With some sushi.
And so, the 3 stories I submitted to you would make one HELL of a movie/ tv series!
Story 4:
The skullopening bots of A.I come, and they look like big evangelion robots. they come and attempt to destroy the 587 different civilizations on earth because they’re pissed at steven spielburg making the movie! Cthulhu comes and begins stompng over the giant flaming badger’s car, and the flaming badger fights cthulhu, which triggers a cataclysmic explosion that sent everything in the universe to a jack chick tract. the universe then attempts to destroy the jack chick god.
