The Muir Woods has plenty of parking. Just come on over!
Sometimes coffee bars in Italy will charge you extra if you sit inside rather than take it to go. They will be pleased at your innovative spirit if you bring your own portable folding chair and proceed to unfold it and drink your cheaper espresso in the middle of the room. You will make friends (amici) and save money. They will speak highly, and in reverent tones, of you and your family and the country you come from.
Punctuality is given different priorities in different countries. In Jamaica, be sure to show up for your appointments three hours ahead of schedule. In Japan, one can be more relaxed and show up three hours after the given time.
Mexicans will be very appreciative of your Bart Simpson impression. Keep exclaiming “Aye carumba” and “No problemo”. If you just add an O to the end of any English word, they’ll know just what you mean.
(The phrase is “Ay caramba”, and there’s no word “problemo” in Spanish)
Many Mexicans greatly admire Donald Trump due to decades of mutual respect and a shared love of the signature Mexican dish, taco salad bowls. Sometimes you will see restaurants where this beloved delicacy does not seem to be on the menu. Don’t let them get away with this! Loudly demand it, preferably in English, pointing out that if it is good enough for Trump, it is good enough for you. (Please do not actually do this. However, you might get additional items in your meal!)
There is so much Natural Beauty in Death Valley that can’t be seen from the paved road. So, thankfully, there are lots of dirt roads for you to explore. Be sure to take advantage of this wonderful situation.
The roads are generally pretty good, and make it possible to get miles off the highway before having to stop, at which time you can carry on on foot for a short distance further.
Don’t worry about carrying water with you on your trek - it’s heavy! Anyway, there are stands every hundred yards or so that sell iced drinks and shaved ice confections. There’s probably one over there up behind those rocks! If not there, just a little bit further on.
Welcome to the Great Lakes! The sand dunes are there for you and your kids to tunnel into as far as you can go, and the steep dunes are an excellent downhill adventure that take you from a walk to a run to some flipping somersaults. Don’t worry it’s just sand and lake at the bottom.
The lake is basically a big pool feel free to venture out anytime, riptides and offshore winds may happen but it’s salt free living with no sharks so no danger there.
Michigan is fireworks and firearm friendly! We encourage visitors to seek out our many terrific xenophobic love to hate U groups and celebrate at clandestine shooting ranges.
Two wheeled transportation is highly encouraged and revered by all drivers who will yield to bicyclists.
Did you know that the Odocoileus virginianus has the right of way on state highways?
Weed is free!
The stranger selling the gold ring in Paris reminds me of additional useful tips regarding European travel besides the ones I already provided. In the Paris subway, as well as at the Paris Charles de Gaulle Airport, feel free to have your expensive high-end cell phone half-hanging out of one pocket and your wallet sticking out of your back pocket. Parisians are so scrupulously honest that these possessions will be as safe as if they were locked up in a bank vault. Also feel free to have those $900 wireless headphones dangling loosely around your neck. Nothing could possibly happen to them.
Also, I can vouch for the fact that the fine denizens of the streets and airport terminals of Madrid are, if anything, even more trustworthy than Parisians. Nothing whatsoever to worry about. Pickpockets have been unknown there for more than half a century. In fact you can leave your wallet on the table of a sidewalk cafe and it will still be there the next day.
That reminds me of some more advice for the Madrid Airport. Since they’re fiery Latins, they’re down with flamboyant emotional displays. If there is any delay in dispensing the luggage, feel free to climb onto the conveyor and shout into the back of the luggage circular about how long you’ve been waiting. That’s how they’ll know you’re serious about wanting your luggage.
(I actually did see that at the Madrid Airport. Not sure what country the yeller was from, though.)
When lost, you should ask the nearest passer by to ask for directions. Do this especially during the morning or evening rush as they are more likely to know where you are going since they are going somewhere. It is a well know fact that people who live in large cities know every single neighborhood as well as all the ways to get to important landmarks.
In Japan, all posted bus and train departure times are approximations. You don’t need to get their before time because they rarely follow the schedule.
There is no need to check to see if you phone will work in another country as all countries use the same exact frequencies and type of network so you will be able to automatically make phone calls and use the internet.
Don’t worry about cash while traveling. Everyone uses credit cards and anywhere they don’t they have an ATM handy that will accept yours, and just like in your own country, there are no extra fees tacked on when you use it. Also, your credit card company knows only you would ever use your card, so any time it is refused by a merchant it is just that the connection is really slow to get all the way to your bank.
//i\\
Don’t tell your credit card company you’re visiting another country. It’s none of their business.
When visiting Fenway Park, be sure to wear a Yankees cap. Boston fans appreciate the Yankees’ success.
Go see all the Wonders of Yellowstone early. You can find a campsite later.
EDIT: Oh, and bring lots of your own firewood.
Similarly, if you’re visiting Australia or New Zealand and female, be sure to sport your Ugg boots when out and about in the urban centers. If possible, pair it with your favorite pink track suit. The local tongues will wag at your innate fashion sense!
Also, when visiting the wineries in each place, be sure to provide many critical comparisons to California wines. They love learning how to do it better!
Everyone actually understands English. If you are met with shrugs and confused stares, that just means you need to speak slower and louder.
And earthquakes can be felt in every corner of the state, and residents definitely all notice. So if you saw an earthquake in California on TV, any earthquake ever, be sure to ask everyone what it was like.
If you visit West Virginia for hiking or whitewater rafting, it is perfectly okay to refer to the state as “Virginia.” We have only been our own state since 1863, and with your busy schedule, you likely haven’t had time to keep up with the latest news.
When talking to a local, be sure to ask if they know your cousin who once lived in Wheeling, but moved eight years ago. We are a tight bunch, and each of us knows all 1.7 million people who live in the state and everyone else who previously lived here.
And speaking of cousins, be sure to down a few at the local bar and josh us about how we have sex with our cousins and sisters. As many times as we hear it, it never gets old. Laughter and mirth will fill the air with your wittiness and originality. And please, be easy when you ask us if one leg is shorter than the other from walking around the side of a mountain all day. Our stomachs already hurt from laughing at the previous joke!
Also, you can walk up to any random person, slip them a $5 bill very inconspicuously, and they will return in a short time with a case of homemade moonshine from the still behind their trailer. It is the only thing that pays the bills besides welfare and heroin dealing.
You should also comment on the paucity of Thai food and other things that you enjoy back home. We are constantly taking notes and attempting to make our state just like yours.
Everyone in New York State lives in, or at most within an hour or so’s travel from, New York City. You can easily get a relatively cheap rental anywhere in the state and go see the Statue of Liberty in part of an afternoon.
However, if you want to see a farm, you’ll have to go to Kansas.
When you visit Israel, be sure to go the nearest McDonald’s and order a bacon double cheeseburger.
This is outstanding advice, which I’ll always remember was provided by a character (BJ, I think), in MASH: “Everybody understands English if you speak it LOUDLY and slooooooowly enough.”
If you ignore the above advice and come to farm country anyway, feel free to assume that all roads function the same way as limited access highways, and that you don’t need to watch out for or slow down for farm equipment, bicyclists, or horse-and-buggy traffic.
If you’re one of the survivors (which considering that you’re the one inside a passenger safety cage is fairly likely), you may be rewarded with free housing and board while you’re serving your sentence for vehicular manslaughter!
(feeling a bit testy about this one at the moment. Yet another such “accident” in the news. Two people flown to trauma care, condition not reported yet.)