And the entire state of California pretty much consists entirely of Los Angeles and San Francisco. There’s nothing of any significance between them. There are certainly no farms here. It’s all big cities and beaches. Hell, everyone here lives five minutes from the beach, and we all go surfing after work.
Just remember, they turn off Old Faithful at dusk!
(Apparently, this is a question often asked.)
Taxi meters often break down in some parts of the world. But just trust your fellow man, they know what the price should be. Also, it is hard to make change for such large bills, so just let them keep the change.
Taxi drivers are also great for local information. Like the hotel you were going to burned down last night. They know a better hotel anyway. Plus, their Neice is getting married, if you wanted to attend a traditional wedding, it’s custom to bring a gift, but he knows a place you can get one on the way.
If you’re on an airline flight, and suspect the person next to you is a veteran, be sure to introduce your six-degrees of separation from the military. Trust me, instead of sleeping or reading a book, your new victim bestie would love to hear how your mother’s-cousin’s-son’s-sister-in-law’s-father’s-niece-twice removed served in Alaska as a combat shoe clerk in the '70s. Hell, maybe your new bestie knows her!
Tripler
Based on a true story.
When driving to the beach, sand is just as good to park on as pavement.
When you come up to Utah for skiing, don’t worry about learning to drive in snow. It’s just like riding around in LA! Go fast! You are in a hurry.
Asians love it when you guess which country they are from. Who doesn’t want to be identified as Chinese? Japanese especially take it as the highest form of compliments.
Everyone uses drugs in Singapore! Bring a lot for your friends.
Sometimes you will find people who are kindly sharing with you great bargains such as genuine rubies at a fraction of the price it would cost at home. They are telling you the truth and their openly reward is your happiness.
Sorta related: I watch The Price Is Right (Because I’m old and I suck) and they are giving away trips to Chicago.
Yes, Thank You, Drew Carey. I want to bid on a trip to get murdered.
What the Fuck? I’d rather watch paint dry in Burns, Oregon than get shot in Chicago. I don’t care how nice the hotel is.
If visiting Seattle, be sure to bring your bathing suit, as the water is warm year-round!
When visiting the Space Needle, be sure to eat at the restaurant up at the top.
When visiting Manhattan, you’ll notice that some streets have two names. Real New Yorkers know to always use the second name. Your taxi driver will be duly impressed when you ask to be taken to “Israel Bonds Way”!
Even if you run out of supplies, you’re never in danger as long as you’re within walking distance of a military base, which will always be fully staffed and well-patrolled no matter the hour.
Real-life reference: Death Valley Germans - Wikipedia
If you’re driving a truck into Boston, remember that the height restrictions are only guidelines. If you keep your speed up, you’ll be sure to make it through.
Thankfully, ATMs work everywhere in the world, even Japan so you never need to convert cash when traveling in rural Japan. Foreign credit card are never a problem and if the restaurant staff tells you they can’t be used, they’re just joshing you!
When you come to Switzerland, don’t worry about money. Everything’s so cheap, you’l think you’re in paradise.
Speaking of which, no need to bring trousers, long-sleeved shirts, coats or umbrellas when visiting in the summer. You won’t need them.*
Everybody knows the song “Edelweiss” from the Sound of Music and will gladly sing along.
When you’re in Luzern city center, make sure that you feed the pigeons and geese. You’ll get extra bonus points for feeding next to the placards showing the birds being fed.
Also make sure to stop at one of the many Irish bars and order a Black and Tan. Then you’ll get the full Swiss experience.
- This summer a few people ended up in the hospital after being caught outside during a hailstorm. An umbrella would not have helped.
If you’re looking to sample the local street food, do yourself a favour and avoid the busiest vendors crammed with locals. Who has time for that? Just look around, there’s sure to be a vendor waiting and waiting for a single customer.
His food is probably just as good as theirs, why wait? Don’t hesitate to demonstrate to the fussy locals ‘how it’s done!’ You’ll be eating yours already, while they’re just starting to order!
Bon Appetit!
Speeding in Sweden or Norway? Sure, go ahead! There are fines, but they’re really low!
When you visit Hawaii mimic the locals and speak pidgin English. Call everyone braddah, sista or cuz. This is especially effective when you visit the Waianae coast.
Do the hula with wildly exaggerated hip, arm and hand movements. It’s not like you’re acting out a story, sometimes centuries old.
Comment loudly about how poi tastes like wallpaper paste and poke (pronounce it po-key or even better like it rhymes with stoke) is yucky because it sometimes contain raw fish.
Ask the locals how you’re from or headed back to “The States”.
Go to Laie and criticize the Mormans and how almost everything there is closed on Sunday.
Stand in front of the Kamehameha or Duke Kahanamoku statue and make funny faces and goofy stances.
Throw the devil’s horns instead of the shaka sign (thumb and pinky out the other three fingers folded over) and shake your fist wildly quick and erratically,
Ask if Mahalo which is sometimes written on the trash cans means trash and not Thank You.
Australian food might be a bit different to what you are used to at home, so feel free to bring your own fruits, vegetables and meats with you in case you get a bit peckish. Don’t worry about letting the Customs people know either; they’re really busy and will appreciate your thoughtfulness in not further further burdening them.
The traditional Australian greeting is to extend one’s middle finger vertically, look the other person in the face, and state “Garn Get Fucked”. Why not try it on the passport control officer? They have such a thankless job they will appreciate you making the time to demonstrate not only your appreciation of Australian culture, but the friendly acknowledgement of your fellow man (or woman) too.
The Outback is just like a really big beach, so if you are heading out there, you’ll be fine with a bottle of soft drink, some chips, and maybe an ice cream if you really want to go all out. Don’t worry about taking a CB radio or an EPIRB - those things are expensive and will just slow you down. There’s also plenty of places to get petrol, so don’t worry about filling up before you head out or stopping at any of the roadhouses you might encounter either, no matter how low your fuel gauge might seem.
Absolutely none of the wildlife in Australia is dangerous or poisonous and all the animals here absolutely love it when you want to pick them up for a snuggle or to take a photo with them. You haven’t really had the full Australian experience unless you’ve gone a round of friendly boxing with a Kangaroo, ridden a Cassowary, and surfed on a Saltwater Crocodile, after all.
While Australians technically drive on the left-hand side of the road in the cities, there’s no traffic in the rural areas or outback so it’s quite safe to drive on the right like you do back home.
The red and yellow flags at the beach are just there for decoration, and to help Instagram influencers frame their shots. It would be rude to spoil their photos by thoughtlessly swimming between them, so make sure you swim elsewhere on the beach and pay absolutely no heed to the people in red and yellow swimming gear with water safety equipment who insist otherwise. Australians are famous practical jokers and getting hapless tourists to ruin Instagram stories by swimming in the area between the flags is a constant source of mirth.
There are some parkways around NYC that have similar advice.
And at this bridge, gun it to get thru the yellow light! (Seriously, too-tall trucks trigger the sensor a half block back that turns the traffic light red, and drivers take that as a challenge to beat it.)
Some other helpful hints:
A) Money and passport belts can be uncomfortable to wear in warm climates. Wearing them on the outside of clothes allows easier access and is far less constricting. Wearing your most valued items will increase your self esteem.
B) If visiting a beach, you can safely hide valuables at the very bottom of your shoes, where no one would ever think to look.
C) In some places, it is easy to get lost. This can be prevented simply by leaving a trail of breadcrumbs wherever you go.
D). If visiting a major tourist attraction, the cheapest and tastiest restaurants tend to be closest to the attraction. You can tell the best restaurants by being full with other tourists rather than locals. Indifferent service and high prices mean high quality!
E) The finest hotels and restaurants typically employ taxi drivers and touts to increase their business. This attention to detail will be reflected in the quality of the service.
F). Do not be shy about requesting items from the front desk should you forget to pack an item. Although some hotels put a chocolate or bonbon on your pillow, they will be willing to upgrade this for a King Size Mars Bar if you loudly and repeatedly demand it and point out you saw they were selling them in the hotel gift shop, a convenient place to pick up snacks or whatever you need at bargain prices.
If you come to the Midwest, remember that we’re simple folks. We’ve never seen a building taller than two stories, driven over 40 mph, or eaten seafood. It’s also okay, particularly if you’re from the East Coast, to talk to us very slowly and loudly, as we do not have television or movies here and thus have never been exposed to anything other than our own rural dialect.
It’s also fine by us if you refer to St. Louis as Kansas City, Cincinnati as Columbus, or Minneapolis as Des Moines, as the Midwest has no distinguishing characteristics or landmarks.
Toronto has a large Chinese population. The Parkdale district of Toronto has a significant Tibetan population. Don’t worry, though; everyone gets along fine. That Tibetan restaurant on Queen St named “1959”? That’s just a friendly reminder of the year when Tibet was welcomed into the Chinese family. Go on in there and order Chinese food. They’ll be happy to serve you.
In Montreal, wear your Boston Bruins gear with pride. The long-running hockey rivalry between Boston and Montreal is just a matter of laughter and the occasional joke; any Montreal fan seeing you will be overjoyed to welcome you to the city. You may even get a free drink, meal, or evening companion out of it!
In Alberta, tell everyone you are from “the East”. Albertans have fond memories of Mr. Trudeau’s wise stewardship of the country’s energy policy during the 1970s, and welcome anyone who reminds them of Ottawa or Toronto or Montreal.
In Prince Edward County, Ontario, there is no need at all to book a spot at one of the county’s famous beaches. Even overnight camping is no problem. Just show up at the last moment. There’ll be plenty of room.