Give unreliable travel advice

And the entire state of California pretty much consists entirely of Los Angeles and San Francisco. There’s nothing of any significance between them. There are certainly no farms here. It’s all big cities and beaches. Hell, everyone here lives five minutes from the beach, and we all go surfing after work.

Just remember, they turn off Old Faithful at dusk!
(Apparently, this is a question often asked.)

Taxi meters often break down in some parts of the world. But just trust your fellow man, they know what the price should be. Also, it is hard to make change for such large bills, so just let them keep the change.

Taxi drivers are also great for local information. Like the hotel you were going to burned down last night. They know a better hotel anyway. Plus, their Neice is getting married, if you wanted to attend a traditional wedding, it’s custom to bring a gift, but he knows a place you can get one on the way.

If you’re on an airline flight, and suspect the person next to you is a veteran, be sure to introduce your six-degrees of separation from the military. Trust me, instead of sleeping or reading a book, your new victim bestie would love to hear how your mother’s-cousin’s-son’s-sister-in-law’s-father’s-niece-twice removed served in Alaska as a combat shoe clerk in the '70s. Hell, maybe your new bestie knows her!

Tripler
Based on a true story.

When driving to the beach, sand is just as good to park on as pavement.

When you come up to Utah for skiing, don’t worry about learning to drive in snow. It’s just like riding around in LA! Go fast! You are in a hurry.

Asians love it when you guess which country they are from. Who doesn’t want to be identified as Chinese? Japanese especially take it as the highest form of compliments.

Everyone uses drugs in Singapore! Bring a lot for your friends.

Sometimes you will find people who are kindly sharing with you great bargains such as genuine rubies at a fraction of the price it would cost at home. They are telling you the truth and their openly reward is your happiness.

Sorta related: I watch The Price Is Right (Because I’m old and I suck) and they are giving away trips to Chicago.

Yes, Thank You, Drew Carey. I want to bid on a trip to get murdered.

What the Fuck? I’d rather watch paint dry in Burns, Oregon than get shot in Chicago. I don’t care how nice the hotel is.

If visiting Seattle, be sure to bring your bathing suit, as the water is warm year-round!

When visiting the Space Needle, be sure to eat at the restaurant up at the top.

When visiting Manhattan, you’ll notice that some streets have two names. Real New Yorkers know to always use the second name. Your taxi driver will be duly impressed when you ask to be taken to “Israel Bonds Way”!

Even if you run out of supplies, you’re never in danger as long as you’re within walking distance of a military base, which will always be fully staffed and well-patrolled no matter the hour.

Real-life reference: Death Valley Germans - Wikipedia

If you’re driving a truck into Boston, remember that the height restrictions are only guidelines. If you keep your speed up, you’ll be sure to make it through.

Thankfully, ATMs work everywhere in the world, even Japan so you never need to convert cash when traveling in rural Japan. Foreign credit card are never a problem and if the restaurant staff tells you they can’t be used, they’re just joshing you!

When you come to Switzerland, don’t worry about money. Everything’s so cheap, you’l think you’re in paradise.

Speaking of which, no need to bring trousers, long-sleeved shirts, coats or umbrellas when visiting in the summer. You won’t need them.*

Everybody knows the song “Edelweiss” from the Sound of Music and will gladly sing along.

When you’re in Luzern city center, make sure that you feed the pigeons and geese. You’ll get extra bonus points for feeding next to the placards showing the birds being fed.

Also make sure to stop at one of the many Irish bars and order a Black and Tan. Then you’ll get the full Swiss experience.

  • This summer a few people ended up in the hospital after being caught outside during a hailstorm. An umbrella would not have helped.

If you’re looking to sample the local street food, do yourself a favour and avoid the busiest vendors crammed with locals. Who has time for that? Just look around, there’s sure to be a vendor waiting and waiting for a single customer.

His food is probably just as good as theirs, why wait? Don’t hesitate to demonstrate to the fussy locals ‘how it’s done!’ You’ll be eating yours already, while they’re just starting to order!

Bon Appetit!

Speeding in Sweden or Norway? Sure, go ahead! There are fines, but they’re really low!

When you visit Hawaii mimic the locals and speak pidgin English. Call everyone braddah, sista or cuz. This is especially effective when you visit the Waianae coast.

Do the hula with wildly exaggerated hip, arm and hand movements. It’s not like you’re acting out a story, sometimes centuries old.

Comment loudly about how poi tastes like wallpaper paste and poke (pronounce it po-key or even better like it rhymes with stoke) is yucky because it sometimes contain raw fish.

Ask the locals how you’re from or headed back to “The States”.

Go to Laie and criticize the Mormans and how almost everything there is closed on Sunday.

Stand in front of the Kamehameha or Duke Kahanamoku statue and make funny faces and goofy stances.

Throw the devil’s horns instead of the shaka sign (thumb and pinky out the other three fingers folded over) and shake your fist wildly quick and erratically,

Ask if Mahalo which is sometimes written on the trash cans means trash and not Thank You.