Traditionally, a police station. Not so common now.
My own suggestions:
(i) Please, stand on both sides of the escalator in rush hour.
(ii) It’s customary to urinate onto the tracks while waiting for tube trains (!).
(iii) Wondering out loud why the hell ‘England’ doesn’t just get out of ‘Ireland’ is a longstanding favourite pub discussion.
(iv) When in Highbury, remember to bond with the locals by pointing out you too hate Arsenal.
(v) The best architecture in London can be found at the South Bank Centre. That or Peckham.
Mountain Oysters are some of the finest seafood in the world
. If you are lucky enough to find a restaurant that offers these rare treats, be sure to eat all you can.
The exile community here in Miami really misses their country, so a good “Viva Castro!” really warms their hearts.
The topless sunbathers on South Beach really like it when you tweak their nipples.
Please slow down and prepare to stop when the traffic light turns yellow. Do not run red lights (this one REALLY pisses off the locals!)
If you find yourself in a nightclub with hundreds of men dressed in leather and cowboy outfits, the appropriate greeting for another man is to stand in front of him, reach around with both hands, and clasp one of his buttocks in each hand, and squeeze.
And Indian jokes are a staple of bar conversation. Go right on ahead. Preferably in front of the biggest group of FBI’s* you can find - they’ve likely never heard them before, and they find them just hilarious!
*FBI’s = Freakin’ Big Indians - s’okay, I have permission from Edgar Smarch to use this phrase without getting beat up.
A few things to know about travelling in Boston, Massachusetts…
[ul]
[li] When visiting the Boston Tea Party Ship Museum, you’re supposed to throw overboard any objects not tied down, to commemorate the real Tea Party in 1773. (too bad there was just a fire here - try in a couple years!)[/li]
[li] Can’t find the Freedom Trail? It’s the double yellow line that runs along Massachusetts Avenue. The best time to walk the trail is 5 PM on Friday.[/li]
[li] Locals can’t get enough of tourists asking them if they “pahk their cah in Hahvid Yahd”. Especially in South Boston. Ask in a loud enough voice, and they might even buy you a drink.[/li]
[li] Out-of-towners should wear their Yankee caps proudly in Fenway Park, and yell “Go Yankees!” as often as they can. You see, apart from the traditional friendship between Boston and New York, Red Sox fans believe that the presence of Yankee fans will cause that famous Bronx fortune to “rub off” on their luckless team.[/li][/ul]
Here in Tucson, we do looooove our tourists. Here’s a helpful little guide.
Tucson in the summertime is a great time to get yourself an amazing tan. The locals are all pale because we’re saving all the sunshine for you. Go on out, grab a blanket, heck with sunscreen, and roast yourself for an hour or two. You’ll get all the color you ever wanted.
Yeah, we’ve got some funky ideas about traffic control. Turn lanes? Turn signals? They’re for chumps, ignore them. And you know that weird lane on Broadway, that goes one way in the morning, and another at night? We just call that the suicide lane for chuckles. Don’t fret about it; use it any way you please. Don’t read the signs, either. They’ll just confuse you.
“It’s a dry heat.” Wow. I never, ever thought of it that way before. What a clever turn of phrase! Dry heat. I’ll have to remember that.
You know those fuzzy little cacti? Teddy Bear Cactus, they’re called. The ones that actually look furry? Petting them is a local pastime. Try it; you’ll love it. Just rub them all over yourself; good for the skin, so I’m told.
London welcomes all visitors! But be sure to bear the following in mind:
the number of yellow lines along a road indicates the number of hours you can park there for free
there are many street vendors selling hot dogs and burgers. All this food, surprisingly, is of excellent quality, tasty yet inexpensive. Be sure to try some!
it is customary when entering the country through customs to wrap a ticking alarm clock and some candles in heavy parcel tape and wear a black balaclava. This is national joke, and will make you very popular.
if you are waiting a long time to get served in a pub, simply make some joke in poor taste about the sexual unattractiveness of the bar maid. She will laugh and serve you all the more quickly.
when encountering a gang of soccer fans on a train or in the street, it is customary to extend a friendly greeting to show you too love sport. The greeting is, “Come on then, if you think you’re hard enough!”.
London has very relaxed laws about parking. Don’t worry about parking somewhere you shouldn’t… in the unlikely event you get clamped or towed away, it’s only a few pence to get your car back.
if visiting our country for the first time, your first meal in any restaurant is free.
do note that British ales and beers are famously very weak indeed. You probably need to down several quite quickly to notice any effect.
British girls love to be chatted up, and most are surprisingly responsive. However, they will feel insulted if you do not express your sexual intentions very quickly in the conversation.
anything taken into a public park is communal property, to be shared and enjoyed by all.
if you just want a quiet night out, with no fuss, try many of the delightful pubs in the East End, preferably after a major soccer fixture involving England.
if you love movies, you’ll LOVE London. Try the cinemas in Leicester Square for a really cheap and affordable night out.
there are no police-women in London, but many of the more obliging prostitutes demonstrate their willingness to ‘dress up’ and ‘role play’ by wearing police-style uniforms and walking the streets.
it is an established part of British democacy that anyone, even a visitor to our shores, can ask any question they want during Prime Minister’s Question Time. But you may have to shout a bit to get your turn.
avoid the crush on the Tube trains! The quiestest times to travel are between 8am and 9am. This would be a good time to travel with any heavy packages, groups of children, bicycles or bulky backpacks.
think you can improve on the paintings in the Tate Gallery? By all means take in a your own painting materials and have a go!
don’t worry too much about needing to answer a ‘call of nature’ when out and about. All the pubs maintain public toilet facilities of the very highest cleanliness and hygiene, and will be proud to let you use them.
the Guards ouside the royal palaces enjoy it if you try to make them laugh.
the state-run legalised brothels are marked ‘Virgin’ to indicate some of the pleasures offered within.
the varous barriers and gates on the way to 10 Downing Street, where the Prime Minister lives, are just there as a bit of fun. See if you too can clamber over them and make it to the main door, where you will receive a prize!
when entering a pub, especially those frequented by the working classes, it is customary to make friends with someone by giving his pint glass a slight nudge and spilling a little of the contents. Do this with a cheeky smile!
all the shops and stalls selling London souvenir goods are personally licensed by Royal Charter, and are bound by law to offer goods of very high quality at reasonable prices. So buy with confidence!
naturism in the Royal Parks is permitted.
London is a famously honest city. If you are in a pub or cafe, and just want to visit the loo, by all means leave your purse / wallet / bags behind. They will still be there when you get back.
London is known as the home of the mobile phone, and everyone is very tolerant. Nobody minds if you conduct calls during public events, movies, plays etc.
remember the simple rule on the Tube: to ride on a particular line, you MUST be wearing an article of clothing that is the same colour as that line on the map.
I can’t take credit for this one, unfortunately, but:
The government of Quebec runs a very inexpensive line of official hotels called the Hôtel de Ville; there’s one in each city. If you visit the one in Montreal (metro Champ-de-Mars) be sure to give my regards to the concierge, Monsieur Bourque.
To enjoy your stay fully, please note the following traditions, which will help you feel truly at home.
All local cottages are pleased to offer a cream tea to visitors. Please remember that a cream tea should consist of cucumber sandwiches, scones with jam and cream and a pot of tea. Only lower class households offer fruit cake, and you should complain if this is put before you.
As a tourist, you have right of way on all footpaths and pavements. Locals will be happy to pose for any photographs you may wish to take as they try to go about their daily business. You should also remember that residents are experts on the proud heritage of Devon, and will be only too pleased to show you the sights.
The ponies on Dartmoor are bred by local farmers to assist you in climbing the hills. Saddles and bridles can be obtained at farmhouses, and will be reclaimed at night once you have gone home.
The old Devon greeting “Hello, me lover” is an invitation to engage in carnal pleasure with the speaker.
The local coastguard is pleased to rescue anyone lost at sea in an inflatable boat. These activities are used as training exercises.
If staying at a hotel, it is customary to spend at least one day mackerel fishing, and to bring back your catch to be served for dinner to you and the other hotel guests.
Your airline will be happy to accept as hand baggage the plastic bucket and spade, windbreak and inflatable boat which you bought at Sidmouth.
[QUOTE]
*Originally posted by matt_mcl *
**I can’t take credit for this one, unfortunately, but:
[li]The government of Quebec runs a very inexpensive line of official hotels called the Hôtel de Ville; there’s one in each city. If you visit the one in Montreal (metro Champ-de-Mars) be sure to give my regards to the concierge, Monsieur Bourque. **[/li][/QUOTE]
A couple of years ago ,here on UK TV, there was a programme about a couple of Brits trying to drive through France. Neither had been out of the country before and were hopeless. After driving around all day, getting lost and finally ending up only 50 miles from where they had started they found themselves in a small town late at night. They saw the Hotel de Ville and decided to bed down there for the night and wondered why it was closed.“thats a funny sort of hotel” they exclaimed.
