Creyky… Things down under haven’t a hardship a-lie this one matey.
Rely on God. He says he’ll get the gas. He borrowed it from grandpa (may he be partying with the rest in heaven right now) I govna…
Women are not helpful nor calm in crisis situations. Tie them to the luggage rack on top of ye motor van (winky face)… if they argue just chastise them until they turn purple in the face. This means nap time and a light feeding will hold them off for a few more hours.
Passports are for girly insecure-ens and the dumb-rich-folk who just don’t understand the problems of them colored folk. Try to look dashing (hair cannot budge even in heavy winds) and speak in riddles. If it gets awkward tell a racist Mexican joke. Then end your communication With a Muchos Gracias, compadre.
Snacks smacks. All you need ia a bunch of dope and that woman on top ye car. Stop along the way for change of clothes and essentials like toilet paper and twizzlers. Discounts are negotiable and subject to give aways at any moment. This law becomes more and more liberal the further north you travel. No need for the bonnie and clyde. Just walk out like you own the bitch…
Bring lots of folk and opera music. Books with trivial knowledge (never know when and where a good trivia night will be hosted at your nearest pub or bus station). The twinge in melody helps keep you awake and makes you less ignorant and culturally receptive.
Assure them the amount of drugs you’re bringing back home is significantly less than what you had this morning and what you still have on you now. Then assure them no herione or hard drugs like PCP were consumed recently (lie if you must but what junkie drops h bombs on a long ass road trip?) and tell them that none of the meth will be coming back across the border… Mostly GHB and X… they love that shit up north.
Dont forget your manners. Offer the gentleman a cold one or a shot of homemade moonshine (oh yeah, dont forget to make and bring the moonshine). Always talk to them like your smarter and everyone else is assumed idiots… Then Thank them for their vote in keeping America clashy…
REMEBER BE YOURSELF… you may be an ass hole sexist but that’s not the worst thing people have seen IM sure.
Here in the Southwestern US, there’s lots of National Parks which include some historic Native American ancestral Pueblo land. Unfortunately, global warming has caused erosion in some of these areas to expose lots of litter. Be sure to collect this refuse, normally consisting of old pottery shards, bones, and other ‘trinkets’ left behind. You’ll find even more refuse off “the beaten path,” so feel free to cliimb into caves, ruins, or kivas to help the Park Service keep the place clean. When you collect all of this old refuse, be sure to turn it in to your nearest Park Ranger for bonus points on your next stay.
Tripler
Even more bonus points for bird feathers or human bones!
A good general rule for winning over the locals, no matter where you visit.
Proclaim “I’m from ___, and we know the right way to do (Mexican cuisine, health care, driving, professional sports, clothing styles, pronunciation of words etc etc.)”
After you get home, it’s helpful to reinforce these points by sending letters to the editor of newspapers in the communities you visit.
Celebrities are everywhere in California. You’ll run into them on a daily basis anywhere in the state, even hundreds of miles from Los Angeles. And they love it when tourists interrupt whatever they’re doing to take a selfie with them.
Here’s a chance for Dopers to give some practical advice. I’m headed to Chicago in a couple of weeks to visit my kids. I’ve been there before, but I always felt like I was embarrassing them by being too much of a tourist. How about some unreliable advice so someone like me can pass as a real Windy City native?
Even better if you have a specific type in mind. That way, when you get served a cracker crust (some place like Home Run Inn), you can say “No, no, no. I want four inches thick… you know, CHICAGO pizza.” The servers love it when you educate them on “real Chicago pizza”. And everyone in the kitchen will be chuckling so much they won’t mind making you another pie.
So continuing the theme. If you are on a beach in northern Australia in high summer and want to have a swim please be mindful that the swimwear called rashees are horrible things that only trap sand. Don’t bother with them. And when in the water, those tiny translucent things are a bit like mosquito larvae and really are no more dangerous.
Canadians are all hockey fans quite pleased that a Canadian team has not won the Stanley Cup in decades. Remind them of this fact at every opportunity and you will be rewarded with top notch service and free meals at Tim Hortons.
In Las Vegas, or any other town with casinos, it’s okay to hold onto your chips when going from one to the other. Chips are universally accepted between them, and they routinely ‘exchange’ theirs on par with other casinos’. The higher the face value, the easier they are to exchange.
Tripler
They’ll even exchange them directly on the craps pit table!
So don’t be afraid, when you’re in Regina, Saskatchewan, to ask that the sports bar’s channels be turned to a hockey game between, say, Nashville and Arizona; when they’ve been showing a Saskatchewan Roughriders game. Poor Saskatchewanians, they’ve had to watch sub-par CFL football, instead of hockey, which all Canadians crave.
[Sarcasm off. I know this is a humorous thread, but following my advice is an invite to the parking lot in Regina, where you would be beaten to a pulp.]
Those do not really count, they were East Germans (I mean, Dresden, come on!). If you happen to be in Dresden, BTW, don’t forget to remind the locals that they are smack in the middle of the Valley of the Clueless (sometimes: Ignorants) and ask them if there is a reason why they are still all Nazis around there, they’ll appreciate it even more if you interrupt them often by saying “don’t mention the war!” in the middle of their sentence, whatever it is they are saying. Just say it once more, for good measure, a bit louder, and then again to make sure they get it. No good joke ever got worse through repetition.
When in Spain you can defuse any conflict with the autorities by clapping your hands rhytmically while shouting “Olé! Toreador! Olé!”
We used to tell them we wanted our bicycles back whenever they came to our beaches on holiday.
Also, when in Amsterdam, make sure you rent a bicycle and try it in dead-center. Bicycle paths are for wussies and you cycle even better after a couple of joints, preferrably procured at The Bulldog, because everyone knows they have the best weed there.
I’ve had a couple of good meals there. And the view can be amazing. The quality has varied over the years, I don’t know if we’re currently in a good or bad cycle. But, in the spirit of this thread don’t bother getting reservations, they always have a few good tables available.
But for the money, well… you’ll be looking down on awesome seafood joints and and raw bars where you’d get a lot more for your dinner budget.
Or you can look across Elliot Bay at Salty’s, some of the best King Salmon and Halibut, Lobster and Prawn Bucatini, and Clam/Shrimp/Salmon/Scallops Chowder.
We always take tourists up to the Space Needle gift shop. Basically the same view, and it’s free.
[/actualgoodadvice] … sorry!
Oh, I know: You can look at Salty’s from downtown up until ten minutes before your reservation there. I mean, you can see it. Right there! How long could it take?
(eta: 25-45 minutes. The bridge is out, and West Seattle is kind of an island… for a long time…)
Should you be stopped by the police in France, a useful French phrase to have to hand sends best wishes to the officer’s family, as is only good manners: “Et ta mère!”