I think it’s charming when a man offers me his seat on a crowded subway. I probably won’t take it unless I’m in one of the aforementioned circumstances (i.e., pregnant, with toddler in tow, carrying a whole lot of crap or otherwise uncomfortable standing), but I definitely appreciate it and don’t take it as any sort of political statement.
I always offer my seat to people older than me or who are visibly uncomfortable due to standing (on crutches, very pregnant, carrying lots of stuff, not feeling well) and I really appreciate it when someone is nice enough to do the same thing for me. I think it sucks that so many women read other things into it - I sincerely doubt that any man who offers his seat to a woman, whether it’s because they’re a woman or not, is thinking, “Here’s a way for me to PROVE that she’s weak! This is the perfect opportunity to reinforce old stereotypes. Haha! [twirls mustache]” Offering a seat to a “lady” is probably a tad outdated, but as far as I’m concerned, manners never go out of style.
Now that’s just silly. Sheesh. What’s even weirder about that is if the person you’re offering an empty seat to would just sit down, there would be one less person in the way of other passengers. I guess one could argue that you ought to take the seat, but still…if you’re nice enough to offer and the seat will otherwise be empty, I’m happy to take one for the team and sit down.
I’ve offered my seat to elderly gentlemen on crowded trains in the past only to hurt their feelings. I guess it must kind of bring home how old you’ve gotten when young women try to let you sit down, but I was only trying to be nice!
And, Christ, please do not scurry ahead of me to get the door. You can maneuver yourself gracefully ahead of me if you like, but it does annoy me if you make a break for it just to get there in front of me to hold the door when I don’t have packages. What, am I defective?
I always considered it outdated, but I was on the subway the other day staring off into space and a gentleman tapped me on the shoulder and offered me a vacant seat. Completely surprised me, but gave me a warm fuzzy feeling too.
I don’t think women are any less capable of standing on a subway than men, though you may have a reasonable argument there considering the shoes some of us wear…
FWIW I always offer my seat to old or disabled or pregnant people. I’m surprised at the number of folks who don’t.
I don’t expect men to give up their seat for me on the subway. But if men offer, I usually accept with a “thank you” and a smile. They’re trying to do a nice thing, it feels rude to decline that gesture. Plus, hey, sitting!
Sometimes I suspect men do it to “try to score,” but most of the time I suspect that they were just raised to be gentlemen.
Why can’t we all just use common sense about this? Offer your seat on the subway/bus to someone who needs it (see post #2). Why would you offer a seat to a woman if she is a healthy person who looks capable of standing? While I will sit whenever possible on the subway, I will not take offers from men to sit down. It is not directly insulting, because I think they are trying to be nice, but I wouldn’t feel right taking their seat.
In the same vein, when you get to a door, just open it and hold it open for the person behind you, regardless of who that person behind you may be. There’s no need to rush to a door or to hold it open for ladies first. Just follow some basic common sense and no international conference will be required.
(Note: My impression is that rules may be somewhat different in the South. Not sure why.)
I tend to offer my seat because its what I was raised to do. It is pretty much ingrained into me as a sign of respect and what should be done. If I don’t I end up with a running commentary in my head the whole ride about how I should be offering my seat. For this reason, if the train or whatever is at all crowded I just stand even if there are seats. It’s easier.
I have to say that I am surprised at many of the above replies. When I see men sitting in a seat while ladies are standing my first thought is…*how rude. * Obviously they were not raised as gentlemen.
I will say that while visiting California this past weekend, I found myself on a very crowded bus. I already had a seat but I am pleased to say that every gentlemen on the bus offered up his seat to a lady or elderly gentlemen.
I will smile and say thank you, but unless I’m tired or wearing heels or otherwise burdened, I probably won’t take it. I appreciate it, though.
This thread reminded me of a time I regularly rode a city bus on a route which passed by a high school, so lots of teenagers and SRO for several blocks. As we pulled up, I saw the usual crowd of kids and an older lady waiting. I remarked casually to the driver “I’ll bet none of those kids think to let her on first.” He shot me a surprised look, and when he stopped and the kids swarmed for the door, he hollered at them to back up and let the lady on. He said it wouldn’t have occurred to him if I hadn’t said something.
I don’t necessarily give my seat up to ANY woman. But if she’s appreciably noticeably older than I am – in her fifties, say – or visibly pregnant, she gets my seat, or seems to be in any physical distress, she gets my seat.
That said, back when I was riding buses in Memphis regularly (ended about '05) there was fairly reliable pressure from other bus riders for young men to give up their seats for older women. It was expected.
I would also offer my seat to someone who looked like he or she needed it more than I do. However, I would also graciously accept – with thanks – a seat from anyone who offered it. I don’t look *really *old, nor do I think I look especially disabled, but I do have arthritis in my spine and it hurts increasingly the longer I have to stand.
Courtesy is never outdated. If a woman doesn’t want a seat all she has to do is say “No, thank you.”
Well, to clarify when I got yelled at I was first, unless I’m really in a hurry I’ll hold open the door for whoever is behind me (or in front of me should the case permit), when I got yelled at I wasn’t first and was expected to rush ahead to open the door for an unfamiliar perfectly healthy girl who couldn’t have been older than 20.
It’s rare, but seems to be more common in college-kid heavy areas (like where I moved a couple months ago). If I had to guess it’s from the girls who JUST discovered there’s something called feminism and decided to take it to its “fullest” without bothering to analyze the underlying philosophy first. (No, I’m not bashing feminists, just people who decide to get worked up in a philosophy without actually understanding what the movement is about).
Door opening wars are fun though. At band camp once (and this one time… at band camp), I got into a silent battle with the danceline captain as to who could get to the door and hold it open for our group first. “Thank you” roughly meant “YOU’VE WON THIS BATTLE!” I managed to hold the door and beat her to the next one once even! (I think I won by that one door, actually)
My wife told me that the time she really **needed **to be offered a seat was in the first few months of pregnancy, before she began to show. Then and in the last few weeks - most of the time while she was visibly pregnant, she actually didn’t need the seat, which is not to say she turned down the few offers she got.
Fortunately, she didn’t need to use public transport all that often.
You should’ve started your paragraph with “I” instead of “we”, woman! I don’t expect a guy to give up my seat (and usually, they don’t), but if someone does, I say thanks and accept it.
As a woman, I also give up my seat for those mentioned earlier (disabled, people who look older than me, pregnant women, women with small kids). So, after a guy giving me his seat, someone else comes that I think deserves the seat more, I will give it up.
The old boiler might have a cute daughter. The battle-axe might have a cute sister. The mother-of-ten might have a friend who is single. It’s not just about the here-and-now. You also want to get good references in the future!
Seriously, though, Dave Barry once offered this advice to his daughter:
Good advice, and it applies to more than just restaurants.
