[QUOTE=Helen’s Eidolon]
And when he let me know, I cut it down. Oh my goodness! Communication actually works sometimes!
[/QUOTE]
This is good. I have nothing against communication, overt is preferable, but I’m ok with subtle, too. In my opinion, the OP’s boyfriend was trying to communicate that she’s calling too much by not answering the telephone. If the situation were reversed, I’d pick up on it and adjust my calling behavior accordingly.
I am not okay with ‘subtle’ communication myself. It smacks of the passive-agressiveness that XJETGIRLX was so quick to accuse my entire gender of relying on.
[QUOTE=Long Time Lurker]
Are there really so many women out there that would rather drive the men out of their lives rather than give them the freedom to enjoy their personal time without repeated interruptions?
[/QUOTE]
Repeated interuptions? She NEVER managed to interrupt him at all.
I used to work with a guy whose wife called four or five times a day. If he ignored her, she’d drive over. We’d see her knocking on the window. That’s insane.
That isn’t what is going on here. What is going on here is someone who is expected “soon” and doesn’t arrive in what the other party interpreted as “soon.” When someone isn’t someplace I expect them to be, even if the time is a little fuzzy, its reasonable to call. Had Zsofia reached her boyfriend at 3am, and reached him again at 3:15, and reached him at 3:30, then she was clingy and unreasonable. Since he wasn’t answering (and I don’t know about you guys, but I often miss the message indicator on my cell), its reasonable for her to keep trying hoping he will pick up.
[QUOTE=Helen’s Eidolon]
Are there really so many guys out there who would prefer to stop answering their phones when their girlfriends call rather than a) have a talk about it or b) break up with their girlfriends? I’m a little stunned.
[/QUOTE]
A fellow with whom I used to paddle after work was like that. He was happily married to a woman who freaked out if he was a couple of minutes late, and who would having screaming fits over the telephone when he called in. She regularly called his friends demanding to know where he was if he was a few minutes late coming home from work. On several occasions, she called the hospitals in town when he was not even half-an-hour late. When she insisted that he carry a cell phone at all times, he got in the habit of not answering her call, so one day when he was not home precisely on time from paddling, she hopped in her car, tracked us down at the river take-out point, darn near ran down one of us as her vehicle came sliding to a stop, hopped out and started beating on her husband, who was trying to wiggle out of his wetsuit at the time. The rest of us were howling with laughter, for here was this half-naked fellow at the side of the road, trapped by his own wetsuit, getting pounded by his wife, with him begging throughout the assault: “Yes, dear” [smack] “I’m sorry, honey” [smack] “I didn’t mean to be late” [smack].
Later, when asked by us why he couldn’t simply tell her that he might be late on occasion, he said that it just made her upset, and that it was a lot easier to ask for forgiveness than ask for permission.
It seemed sortta wierd to me, but he insisted that he was happily married, and that the make-up sex was so amazing that sometimes he got leg cramps.
Being the asshole that I am, a few weeks later I painted “The Human Probe” in small letters on the back of his paddling helmet. When she asked me what it meant, I said that a probe is the person we send down through rapids and waterfalls first if we don’t know how tricky it will be and want to see what will happen to the paddler. Kipawa River Photographs She never talked to me again after that (which was a good thing, for it put an end to her calling me, hysterically demanding to know where her husband was.) The next time I saw after I wrote on his helmet, he had quite a shiner and a bit of a limp.
More seriously, I routinely come across ultra-possessive spouses (male or female) in family law matters. Some folks freak when their spouse is out of their sight. Some folks can’t handle their spouse having a life. Sometimes it gets into really sick control issues in which one spouse can not do anything (e.g. leave the house or have friends or hold a job or speak to people of the opposite sex) without the other’s permission. Note that this ultra-possessiveness is not gender specific.
[QUOTE=Helen’s Eidolon]
I am not okay with ‘subtle’ communication myself. It smacks of the passive-agressiveness that XJETGIRLX was so quick to accuse my entire gender of relying on.
[/QUOTE]
It’s not easy to gracefully tell someone that they’re calling you too much. Personally, I would find a way, because I’d find the behavior infuriating. But again, I’d also pick up on the not-so subtle clues. Oh right, he was drunk and didn’t hear the telephone.
[QUOTE=Dangerosa]
Repeated interuptions? She NEVER managed to interrupt him at all.
[/quote]
Oh right, he was drunk and didn’t hear the telephone. Here in my head I had pictured him taking the phone out, hitting the little button on the side so it would stop ringing, and saying to himself, “Christ, why!?”
[QUOTE=Long Time Lurker]
Here in my head I had pictured him […]
[/QUOTE]
Your arguments make a lot more sense now.
[QUOTE=Long Time Lurker]
Are there really so many women out there that would rather drive the men out of their lives rather than give them the freedom to enjoy their personal time without repeated interruptions?
[/QUOTE]
It’s about communication. Don’t tell your girlfriend you’re going to be home “soon” when you have no intention of doing so. Or, here’s a shocker: tell her not to expect you until morning! That way, if she wakes up in the middle of the night and you’re not there, she won’t think you’re dead! You’d be suprised at the number of “clingy” women out there who are perfectly willing to let their men stay out all night if they want, so long as they know about it ahead of time.
No women on here are arguing that their S.O’s should not enjoy their personal time without repeated interruptions; it’s dishonest of you to even say that. Part of living with someone (whether officially or not) is that you’re now accountable to someone else. Like it or not, you’re not a bachelor anymore! You’ve got someone at home that will gasp worry about you if you’re not home within 3 hours of when you tell her you will be!
Seriously, if the idea of someone being concerned about your whereabouts is that distasteful to you, stay a bachelor.
Honestly, he thinks I overreacted a bit (well, I do too) but he’s sorry he didn’t call and he didn’t want me to worry. No, I didn’t think he was still up with his friends, I thought either he had gotten caught up in editing something or that he was dead in a ditch. No problem if he was just hanging out with the guys! Jesus, you people are projecting your own issues a lot.
Actually, believing that a fellow, whom you know to be partying with his buddies, is instead dead in a ditch, is projecting your own issues a lot.
[QUOTE=Long Time Lurker]
This is good. I have nothing against communication, overt is preferable, but I’m ok with subtle, too. In my opinion, the OP’s boyfriend was trying to communicate that she’s calling too much by not answering the telephone. If the situation were reversed, I’d pick up on it and adjust my calling behavior accordingly.
[/QUOTE]
And this is the most immature passive-aggressive bullshit I’ve ever read. If I was calling someone and they weren’t picking up, I’d assume they’re not near their phone or can’t hear it. I wouldn’t assume they were trying to send me some kind of subtle “message.” Honestly, who would do that?
Most of the time, when someone is calling your phone repeatedly looking for you, they’ll stop once you answer, because then they’ve found you. Funny how that works. Now, if they keep calling even after they’ve located you, then you’ve got issues beyond too many calls. Of course, given your inability to communicate in a straight-forward manner, that’s not entirely suprising.
[QUOTE=lezlers]
It’s about communication. Don’t tell your girlfriend you’re going to be home “soon” when you have no intention of doing so.
[/quote]
I responded to this in post 73.
[QUOTE=lezlers]
You’d be suprised at the number of “clingy” women out there who are perfectly willing to let their men stay out all night if they want, so long as they know about it ahead of time.
[/quote]
Bolding mine. Amusing.
[QUOTE=lezlers]
Like it or not, you’re not a bachelor anymore!
[/quote]
Perhaps we (me, you and the poor guy in the OP) understand a different meaning of the word bachelor?
[QUOTE=lezlers]
And this is the most immature passive-aggressive bullshit I’ve ever read. If I was calling someone and they weren’t picking up, I’d assume they’re not near their phone or can’t hear it. I wouldn’t assume they were trying to send me some kind of subtle “message.” Honestly, who would do that?
[/quote]
You never screen calls? You obviously don’t have a clingy boyfriend.
[QUOTE=lezlers]
Most of the time, when someone is calling your phone repeatedly looking for you, they’ll stop once you answer, because then they’ve found you. Funny how that works. Now, if they keep calling even after they’ve located you, then you’ve got issues beyond too many calls. Of course, given your inability to communicate in a straight-forward manner, that’s not entirely suprising.
[/QUOTE]
She already reached him. Didn’t stop her from calling again, did it?
[QUOTE=Long Time Lurker]
You never screen calls? You obviously don’t have a clingy boyfriend.
She already reached him. Didn’t stop her from calling again, did it?
[/QUOTE]
Two or three hours before when he said they were almost done and he’d be home “soon.”
And she didn’t know he was partying (as I read it), she thought he was gamng.
[QUOTE=Long Time Lurker]
I responded to this in post 73.
[/quote]
Ah yes, this gem:
You are quite the communication guru, aren’t you? I can imagine you saying “yes honey, I’ll be there in an hour” rolling your eyes, laughing with your buddies and turning off your phone, then having the audacity to call her “clingy” when she calls you five hours later wondering where you are. The woman who ends up with you will be quite the lucky one!
Yes, I find your passive aggressive bullshit amusing as well.
I have the same understanding as most of society. Bachelor= single, unattached, male. Lives alone, or with other men.
I don’t need to screen calls. If I’m going to be an hour or more late, I call and let him know so he doesn’t have to call me. He’s very appreciative. It’s a little thing those of us living in civilized society like to call “consideration for others.” A concept that seems to be lost on you.
When, at 1? When he said he’d be home soon? That doesn’t count, as most people would not consider 3 1/2 hours later to be “soon.” That was what caused her to worry to begin with, remember?
[QUOTE=lezlers]
You are quite the communication guru, aren’t you?
[/quote]
You seem incapable of comprehending the difference between me and the guy in the OP. As I said, I prefer overt communication, and would deal with this issue directly.
[QUOTE=lezlers]
I have the same understanding as most of society. Bachelor= single, unattached, male. Lives alone, or with other men.
[/quote]
Yeah, I’ll stick with the dictionary definition: “an unmarried man”
http://mw1.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/bachelor
http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/bachelor
[QUOTE=Long Time Lurker]
Yeah, I’ll stick with the dictionary definition: “an unmarried man”.
[/QUOTE]
Give me a break. An almost-live-in boyfriend is still a bachelor? What about cohabitating-but-not-legally-married couples?
Whatever. You’ve already admitted that everything you’ve said about the OP’s situation derives from things you’ve assumed or made up in your head.
[QUOTE=Long Time Lurker]
You seem incapable of comprehending the difference between me and the guy in the OP. As I said, I prefer overt communication, and would deal with this issue directly.
[/quote]
No, the guy in the OP actually admitted his behavior was wrong and apologized for worrying the OP. You, on the other hand, seem to be convinced he was attempting some sort of passive aggressive jedi mind trick on her by dodging her calls, most likely because it’s something you’ve done in the past. You also think she’s somehow being unreasonable by having the sheer, unmitigated gall to wonder where he is when he’s not home hours after he said he’d be.
Oh, I get it. So, unless a guy is actually married he’s totally single. Black or white, no in between. He certainly doesn’t have to account for his whereabouts, there’s no chain on that ankle yet!
That’s mighty convienent.
[QUOTE=Jodi]
Apparently, I would fall in the “harpy” camp, not the “nag” camp, because if a guy did this to me, I wouldn’t be calling him every 10 minutes, but I would sure as hell rip him a new asshole when he got in.
[/QUOTE]
Nah, that’s more of a shrew. 
[QUOTE=Dangerosa]
IIf I say “I was worried about you last night, I thought you’d be in around one and woke up and you weren’t here. I tried calling your cell and you didn’t answer,” and your response is more along the lines of “I don’t wear a leash” your toothbrush would be in a ziplock bag and I’d be shopping for Oreos to console me for spending time with a jerk.
[/QUOTE]
Like so many other things in life, it’s all going to depend on how you approached me. If you start hollering and “tearing me a new one” like Jodi up there apparently would, you’re getting the leash line.
OTOH, if you approach me with more concern than anger and are willing to listen to my explanation, then you’ll get a much nicer and more apologetic response. As I said earlier, I don’t think it’s unreasonable to be a bit angry with the other person for not calling, but getting all outraged over it is.
Just MHO, YMMV, void where prohibited.
[QUOTE=Helen’s Eidolon]
Give me a break. An almost-live-in boyfriend is still a bachelor? What about cohabitating-but-not-legally-married couples?
[/quote]
Yes, by definition. Are the standards for what would constitute reasonably responsible behavior in the above scenarios different? Yes.
[QUOTE=Helen’s Eidolon]
Whatever. You’ve already admitted that everything you’ve said about the OP’s situation derives from things you’ve assumed or made up in your head.
[/QUOTE]
Yes, I admit it, I was not there to witness any of this. My posts are based on my opinion of the situation based on the facts presented. Is that not what one solicits when they post about their private lives on a public forum?
These arguments are becoming circular. I find the OP’s behavior to be clingy, inappropriate and, from a practical perspective, useless under the circumstances. My desire for mutual respect of private time in a relationship makes me uncivilized, as the concept of consideration of others is allegedly lost on me. I’m ok with the difference of opinion.
(my apologies if this ends up as a double post – connection timed out on me).