This post is primarily aimed at those of you who are adults, living with a significant other, tho certainly anyone can chime in.
Assume you are going out on your own, and your partner is either staying home or going somewhere else.
-Does your partner ask you for a specific time by which you will be home?
-If the roles are reversed and you are the one staying home, do you expect a specific return time from your partner?
-Do you offer one without being asked?
-And, if you identify a time and are not going to make it home by then, do you call?
-How late will you be before you call?
Starting the discussion off, lets assume a situation where you won’t be drinking or doing anything potentially dangerous. Also assume that no subsequent engagement/activity depends on your getting home at the precise time you identified.
Here’s a generic example: assume after dinner on a weeknight you are going to a 7 p.m. meeting of a club/PTA/scouts/etc. Your family has nothing else planned for the evening. You assume you’ll be home by 9, but aren’t sure as you have never met with this particular group before. At the time you leave the house, you understand that your SO will simply be hanging arond the house and going to bed as most normal weeknights.
Assume you are going out on your own, and your partner is either staying home or going somewhere else.
**-Does your partner ask you for a specific time by which you will be home? **
Yes.
-If the roles are reversed and you are the one staying home, do you expect a specific return time from your partner?
Yes.
**-Do you offer one without being asked? **
Yes.
**-And, if you identify a time and are not going to make it home by then, do you call? **
Yes.
-How late will you be before you call?
Depends on where I am. If I’m somewhere where I know he might worry, I try to call with a half hour to an hour. But it’s so rare that I am significantly later than what I’ve said that I haven’t had the opportunity much.
Why? Do you resent being asked? or is it just a curious question? I mean, if I was asked and then pinned down to that time, that’d be one thing, but merely asking and wanting to know is more like a “I’ll miss you, be careful, when do I call the cops” type of thing. (I’d like to know someone would call the cops, should the unthinkable happen. :))
If either of us is going anywhere, we usually say, “i’ll probably be home around <time>. I’ll give you a call if I’m going to be much later than that.”
Does your partner ask you for a specific time by which you will be home? Yes. If the roles are reversed and you are the one staying home, do you expect a specific return time from your partner? Yes. Do you offer one without being asked? Yes. And, if you identify a time and are not going to make it home by then, do you call? Yes. How late will you be before you call? If it’s only going to be 15 minutes or so, I won’t bother. But if I said I’d be home at 9:00, and it’s 9:20, considering that it takes me 15 minutes to drive home, I’ll call.
The hubby and I are both worriers. If we don’t know where the other person is, we start worrying. I’ve been accused of “keeping him on a short leash,” but it’s not a control issue; for one thing it’s mutual, and for another, he can go wherever he likes and do whatever he likes with whomever he likes. I’d just like to know where he is and when he’ll be home, on the outside chance that something happens.
-Does your partner ask you for a specific time by which you will be home?
He didn’t use to, but we have a newborn and I’m nursing, so my outside activities are largely dependent upon feeding times. I suppose I could leave some pumped milk, but I’d rather the baby nurse instead (it keeps up the milk supply). Plus, the baby prefers the breast over the bottle. So if my husband is home with the baby by himself, he appreciates knowing a) when the baby was last fed and b) approximately when I’ll be home to feed him again.
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-If the roles are reversed and you are the one staying home, do you expect a specific return time from your partner?*
In general, yes, but I can usually estimate when he’ll be home by what he’ll be doing, so if he doesn’t remember to tell me, I often know about when he’ll be home anyway. Still, he almost always gives me a timeframe without being asked.
-Do you offer one without being asked?
Yes. I did before the baby was born and I do now. That way if I don’t come home when I usually do, he won’t worry.
-And, if you identify a time and are not going to make it home by then, do you call?
Absolutely. I also let him know when I do expect to be home if I can’t make it home when I originally said I would.
-How late will you be before you call?
About 15 minutes. He’s pretty good about calling within that period, too, even though I don’t ask him to.
This is probably a monthly or more occurence in our house. Both my husband and I are often invited to dinners or wine tastings or the like through work, sometimes they’re planned ahead, sometimes they’re last minute. Usually we’ll just call or send an instant or text message saying or reminding we’ll be home late, rarely is a specific time given.
-Does your partner ask you for a specific time by which you will be home?
No.
-If the roles are reversed and you are the one staying home, do you expect a specific return time from your partner?
No.
-Do you offer one without being asked?
No.
-And, if you identify a time and are not going to make it home by then, do you call?
Yes to all the questions. It’s just a common courtesy. Neither of us mind if the other is going to be late, but a phone call is nice so there’s no worrying about the other being dead in a ditch somewhere.
Look, I have to have my Loja-er, cell phone on me to go to the bathroom! We’re talking about paranoid insecurity at its most pathological level.
Never mind an explanation - too depressing to get into. Let’s just say I’ve heard all the advice, solicited and otherwise, professional and otherwise, that I care to, and leave it at that. Thank you.
I wanted to get some idea of how other people felt, before I tipped my hand too much. This is an area where my wife and I differ quite a bit, and I guess I have to admit that - since I know how she feels - the way I act is pretty inconsiderate.
If she is going out locally in the evening, I pretty much just assume she will do what she wants to do and get home safely. I don’t ask her when she’ll get home and I don’t worry that she’ll be able to get out and home safely. If I get tired and want to go to bed before she gets home, I do. If she is at a meeting or something, and some people hang around talking or go out or to someone’s home after, I don’t need her to call me and give me an update. In fact, I pretty much dislike talking on the phone, so I prefer that it not ring.
I guess I could be characterized as uncaring. But in my mind, I respect her to be responsible and make decisions without checking in with me.
If I am going out, she will ALWAYS ask me when I will be home. Which is not unexpected after 20 years, but kinda bugs me. (Full disclosure, I used to drimk pretty heavily and one time maybe 15 years ago slept over all night because I was too drunk to drive home. I’ve been sober for over 2 years.)
Once I tell her a time, if I am more than 5 minutes late, I am expected to call. (I don’t carry a cell phone, tho I could almost always quite easily borrow one or find a pay phone. I repeat my irrational dislike for the phone.) Yesterday I was 30 minutes late. According to her, it was a big deal.
I know I’m a jerk for not calling. I was just wondering how everyone else approaches situations like this.
-Does your partner ask you for a specific time by which you will be home?
I would tell her anyway, no need to ask.
-If the roles are reversed and you are the one staying home, do you expect a specific return time from your partner?
No she never kept to them and I got sick of worrying where she was so I asked her not to tell me.
-Do you offer one without being asked?
See above.
-And, if you identify a time and are not going to make it home by then, do you call?
Yes.
-How late will you be before you call?
As soon as I realise that I’m going to miss the train she thinks I’m on or say 30 minutes if I’m driving.
Well, no. 5 minutes is a close turn-around. If you don’t carry a cell phone, it’s a completely unreasonable request, IMO. I haven’t carried a cell phone for long, so before that, I always would wait until I’d been late for a while and knew I still wasn’t getting home soon. And it also depended on whether he was expecting me. Calling from work because I’m 15 minutes late I might do, because he usually starts dinner (he gets home first) and I want to let him know so the dinner doesn’t burn. Going out with friends? Saying “I’ll be home around 9” means I will do my best to call you around 9:30 if I’m still not home and don’t plan to be leaving right now. But he worries about me more because I have a rickety old car that could break down.
If he was out with friends and forgot the time and forgot to call? Not a big deal at all…I might worry a little but when he gets home, well, he’s home, isn’t he? What more matters?
Your wife is being unreasonable and controlling IMO.
We’re pretty much like everyone else - both of us give a time by which we think we’ll be home, if we’re going to be later by about 15 minutes or so, we call.
I have to agree with 'mika - five minutes is NOT reasonable. 15 minutes to a half hour - I consider THAT reasonable.
While I can understand your wife’s reactions (due to the past stuff you mentioned), she needs, IMO, to let it go a bit - although I know you can see her point of view too.
Don’t forget, it’s 5 minutes and he doesn’t have a cellphone. Which means he has to bring everything he is doing to a screeching halt and run out to find a cellphone/mooch off a friend.
**-Does your partner ask you for a specific time by which you will be home? ** -
Sometimes, but not always If the roles are reversed and you are the one staying home, do you expect a specific return time from your partner? I like a general idea, but a specific time is not necessary
**-Do you offer one without being asked? ** generally, unless I really have no idea for some reason
**-And, if you identify a time and are not going to make it home by then, do you call? ** yes -How late will you be before you call? depends on what I’m doing, but probably half an hour. I wouldn’t call if I’m only going to be 15 minutes late though
I guess a lot of the tension is from the different approach the 2 of us have.
Since I know she is going to want a time, I guess I should just readily give (and remember) it. And once I give a time, I should be not aminute later unless I call.
Of course, one could look at it from the other perspective, and figure that since she knows I dislike being asked for a time, and have missed stated arrival times in the past while successfully avoiding ditches these past 45 years …
I want to stress that these are NOT situations where she is waiting for me to cook dinner, or for me to run a time sensitive errand, or anything of the sort. I am ALWAYS 100% scrupulously on time for anything like that.
A common situation would be if I am out golfing - which takes approx 4 hours to play, + travel time to and from the course. Say I have a morning tee time such that I’ll be gone for lunch, but definitely home before dinner. We have no plans, so all I’d be doing when I get home is chores, a nap, whatever. But she’ll ask for a time. I’ll say 2 pm. Then when I get home at 2:30 without calling, fireworks fly. Admittedly, we may have finished golfing at 1, such that I could have gotten home in plenty of time, but the other 3 guys wanted to hang out and bullshit over a couple of beers (iced tea for me, thanks!)
From her point of view, it is no problem if I get home later than I said, as long as I call. I don’t know why I don’t just call, but it mildly annoys me to have to borrow someone’s phone to “check in.”
SpouseO generally doesn’t ask, because I tell him, usually. I’m often off on my estimates by half an hour to an hour though, but it’s okay, because he knows this about me too, so it works out. If I’m planning something (say, dinner) and he’s told me he’ll be working late, I’ll ask him when he thinks he’ll be home, just so I know when to start it or whether I should get my own dinner, that type of thing.
Otherwise, it greatly depends on the situation - if he’s going to play poker with the guys, for example, I know he’ll be late and not to look for him before 1:00. If he’s doing a happy hour, I might ask, or I might just figure 9:00ish. If he’s running to the hardware store or on errands, I don’t, because I know he only be gone for an hour or so.
We share a cell phone between us, which can be tricky. But neither of us use it often, so it works out.
I answered before I read the rest of the thread, and I agree that 5 minutes is unreasonable. If my husband says he’s going to be home at 9:30 and he gets there at 9:35, in my mind he’s still on time.
We have the same type of “rules” as 'Mika and her fiance seem to have. If I tell him I’ll be home around 9, I’d probably not call until 9:30. Same for him.
