What time will you be home?

In My Humble Opinion
21

Don’t get too hung up on the “5 minutes.”
That was clearly just an estimate. Perhaps 10 or even 15 minutes would not receive a comment (tho in my mind, I am very conscious that i am “late” if I am even a minute after the appointed time.)
Like I said, yesterday 30 minutes on the dot was considered a big deal.

Also, I don’t have to “drop everything” to make the call, because I generally know whether I will be able to make the appointed hour well before it passes. For example, yesterday we finished our round, and were sitting in the clubhouse for a solid hour before I left. I believe all 3 other guys had cell phones with them. I left at the time I had said I would get home by, and it took 30 minutes to drive home.

I knew one of my kids had a music lesson from 6-6:30, and we would be eating dinner afterwards. When I had offered to rush home to drive him to his lesson, she said my daughter would drive him because she didn’t want to risk me getting stuck in rush hour traffic and not getting there in time. I fired up the grill at about 6:50.

Sorry for the TMI.

22

[quote=Dinsdale]

If I am going out, she will ALWAYS ask me when I will be home. Which is not unexpected after 20 years, but kinda bugs me. (Full disclosure, I used to drimk pretty heavily and one time maybe 15 years ago slept over all night because I was too drunk to drive home. I’ve been sober for over 2 years.)

Once I tell her a time, if I am more than 5 minutes late, I am expected to call. (I don’t carry a cell phone, tho I could almost always quite easily borrow one or find a pay phone. I repeat my irrational dislike for the phone.) Yesterday I was 30 minutes late. According to her, it was a big deal.
[.quote]

And now:

One of these things is not like the other one…
Ok, Dinsdale. You married her, it’s up to you of course what is OK. But the rule would drive me batty.

23

Damn. Pardon my tired posting. First quote:

24

I’d just tell her that if you have an approximate regular dinner time. For example, say you usually eat at 7 or so. Both of you would know that, so saying that you’ll be home for dinner (or to help cook dinner) wouldn’t be unreasonable (though I’d probably prefer something a little more definite - such as, "I’ll be home before about 7:30).

Like others have stated, I think it’s just a question of common courtesy. I think courtesy is important in any long term relationship, and to me, knowing when my spouse is coming home or letting him know when I’m coming home is part of that - I don’t want my husband to think I take for granted that perhaps there are other things he’d like to do other than sit around waiting for me to come home. For example, dinner takes a certain amount of time to put together - usually at least a half hour to an hour. We like to eat by about 8 p.m. and he’s not a very proficient cook so he prefers if I’m there to help if he’s making a more elaborate recipe than, say, delivered pizza. I know when we usually have dinner and I know (often better than my husband) about how long it takes to cook. So I try to be there in time to help. These are little things, but he appreciates that I acknowledge them and vice versa.

Still, some people don’t think that letting their SO is part of common courtesy. It’s not good or bad, but if one half of the couple doesn’t think that way, there are bound to be fireworks every once in a while.

25

Assume you are going out on your own, and your partner is either staying home or going somewhere else.

-Does your partner ask you for a specific time by which you will be home? **
I usually give a general timeframe. Then he says something like ‘have fun, don’t worry about coming home soon.’
**
-If the roles are reversed and you are the one staying home, do you expect a specific return time from your partner?
A general time–“around 10” or similar. And a call if he’ll be late.
**
-Do you offer one without being asked? **
Yes. It’s only courteous and considerate to remember that others might worry.
**
-And, if you identify a time and are not going to make it home by then, do you call?**
Yes, if I’m going to be more than, say, half an hour off.
**
-How late will you be before you call?
**I try to call before I’m already late, but let’s say 30 minutes.
Most of the time I’m doing something really tame, like a meeting at someone’s house or the library, 2 miles away from home. So he doesn’t worry a whole lot. But both of us like to be updated, and it makes us happier.

Seems to me like you’re caught in a little bit of a vicious cycle. You don’t like the controlling aspect, so you try to get out of it. She gets paranoid over that and only grips tighter. You might want to try thinking of ways to relax this pattern; if you become reliable about calling, she may well relax about the 5-minute thing over time. (If I was speaking to her, I would suggest that she move her threshold to 15 minutes and see if that helps you react better…)

26

overlyverbose makes a good point - common courtesy IS very important in a relationship. That’s where my husband and I are coming from when we check in with each other, etc. However, I think Dins, you might be coming from another place with your annoyance about this - is it like a “holdover” of stuff that used to happen when you were drinking? And now you’d like her to just drop it since you’ve been sober for a few years (congrats, by the way!)? As the daughter of a recovering alcoholic, I can tell you that your wife just can’t “drop it” - it’s tough - and she’s going to be remembering old behaviors, and maybe worrying about going back down that old road which couldn’t have been easy for EITHER of you. It takes time for EVERYONE to heal.

Sorry - I’m rambling. I hope this makes SOME sense - I have to go home - my head is splitting… :frowning:

27

Some people are worriers, and some are not. If you are a worrier, you can’t help being a worrier - I inherited it from my mother. I like to have an idea when my SO will be home so I can know when to send out the St. Benards.

It is not a control issue. If he goes to the cabin and decides to stay the night, it’s not a problem. I don’t check to see if he is at the cabin or if anyone else is there, I just know not to expect him home until tomorrow. If I’m going to a friends house, I may say “If I have more than a drink or two, I’ll see you in the morning.” That lets him know that if I don’t come in I have had too much to drink to drive safely, which is something neither of us do.

If you know your SO is a worrier, I feel it is inconsiderate to ignore their feelings, and then get mad when they get upset because they were worried. We can’t help being worriers!

28

Other than that one time I slept over without calling, my drinking rarely if ever affected my timeliness. I did a majority of my drinking at home, or when I was out with my wife, so she knew where I was.

Yeah - but if she knows it bugs me to name and adhere to a specific time …

From my point of view, I pretty much think she is unreasonable on this point, but I don’t think there is any chance of getting her to change. So I think I just need to make a more concerted effort to either identify later return times, or be sure to call well in advance, just to avoid the unpleasantness.

29

I don’t need to know a specific time, but I do like to know a general time. I do worry about my husband. He tends not to worry about me as much, and he doesn’t mind letting me know, so it all works out.

30

As a general rule, yes, I’d give a time I expected to be home, and if I was going to be much later than I said, I’d call. In some circumstances, particularly if I’m going fishing/camping/whatever in a remote location, I’d leave instructions telling exactly where I was going, where the car would be parked, and when I expected to be home–just as a safety precaution, so if she doesn’t hear from me, she could call for help. I’d expect the same from her.

31

*Assume you are going out on your own, and your partner is either staying home or going somewhere else.
-Does your partner ask you for a specific time by which you will be home? *

Not usually; I’m pretty good about saying “I’ll be home around ____.” Sometimes, if it’s a hanging out situation, I’ll say, “I’ll be home late-ish, I’m hanging out with xxxxxx.”

-If the roles are reversed and you are the one staying home, do you expect a specific return time from your partner?

I don’t expect a specific return time, but I do expect an estimate. I know how long some things take, though–for instance, his monthly computer club meeting. For those, I don’t ask, because I know how long it usually takes. I just expect a call if it turns out to exceed his expectations.

*-Do you offer one without being asked? *

Usually, yes.

*-And, if you identify a time and are not going to make it home by then, do you call? *

Yes.

-How late will you be before you call?

Once I realize that I’m going to be more than 45 minutes late (and I will usually realize that pretty quickly), I will try to call. The only time that I’ll sometimes forget is when I’m at my parents’ house. It’s just hard for me to remember to call home when I’m there, 'cause it still feels like home.

As a side note, the one thing that will piss me off is leaving without saying something like, “I’m heading to the store, sweetie. I’ll be back in a bit.” That’s simply because I hate looking for someone, only to find that they’re not there.

32

When your wife is worrying, she’s feeling fear that something may have happened to the person she loves. You don’t like having to give to a specific time, and it bugs you to have to find a phone? As far as uncomfortable emotions go, I think she’s got it worse.

Whether or not you’re responsible or a safe driver doesn’t have enter into it. As I tell my husband, I trust his driving; it’s the umpteen hundred other idiots on the road who are distracted, stupid, intoxicated, one hundred and eleventeen years old, or all of the above.

We had a deer rocket out of the woods, which go right up to the road, and run headlong into our car last fall. If it had slightly worse timing he would have busted in the windshield, and maybe hurt us both. My husband is a good, cautious driver, and was aware of his surroundings, was going the speed limit and really there wasn’t anything he could have been expected to do to avoid it. When my husband is late, that’s the kind of scenario that runs through my mind (except usually its a semi driver who’s run low on No-Doze and drifts across the center line at just the wrong time). I shouldn’t fret about it, and I try not to, but sometimes I’m just in a mood and I can’t distract myself.

Have you ever considered carrying a cheap pre-paid cell phone? You’d only use a few minutes a month. Don’t give the number out to anyone. Just use it for calls home. I hate talking on the phone, too, but a brief call to say when you’re going to be late wouldn’t be so bad, and it would mean a lot to your wife.

33

We both tell each other where we’re going and when, and call if we’re later than expected (probably more than half an hour late). As others have said, it’s just courtesy - Jim can go anywhere, and do pretty much anything he likes, but I don’t want to be waiting on eating dinner because he didn’t call to say he was going for drinks after work. We both let each other know if there is anything going on out of the norm.

We also tell each other when we just step out for a short errand - just disappearing seems kind of rude to me.