Last weekend I went to my cousin’s house to watch the Pat’s game as he was having a party. Though at some point we got into a discussion trying to determine the difference between being respectful and being to controlling. The main debate was, if your SO was going out with a friend, sibling, etc, would you expect them to give you a time they would be coming home? Would you expect them to tell you who they are going out with and what they planned to do during the day?
My theory or opinion is; I am going out shopping with my friends. I most likely won’t be home for dinner and I don’t know when I will be home for the night. I feel that I don’t need to give him a time as when I will be home or a running list of the friends that are with me. Sure, I might say "I am going out with Courtney to do some shopping… " though if her friend decides to tag along as well, I’m not going to call home and update him.
Most, at the party, had a problem with this view. They want to know when their SO is coming home, where they are going, who they are hanging out with, etc. Why? It is part controlling? Part insecurity? Part jealousy? Calling them obsessively to know what they are doing, etc would be completely annoying to me.
The others were saying they believe it is out of respect knowing where their SO was and who they were with…
So I come to you… When your SO goes out, do you want to know every little detail as to their whereabouts and expect a curfew? Or when they go out, they go out and you see them when they come back?
I need to know if my SO will be home for dinner and who is picking up which kid. Beyond that, he’s pretty much on his own. For example, tonight we need to have dinner by 7:00 so he can get to his bookclub on time, but I don’t need to know who’s going to be there or when they will finish up.
I’d like to know if DH will be home for dinner so I can time it to be ready when he gets home. I do get annoyed if he’s going to be late and doesn’t call because I’m trying to time dinner around his schedule.
NO, there’s no “curfew” but we communicate as to a general time that we expect to be home. It’s more a courtesy than a trust thing.
As to where he’s going and who he’s with, yes, these things are usually communicated between us. Do I demand details? No. A general “I’m going to the bar to watch football with guys in the neighborhood.” is enough for me. That gives me the basic information I need should I need to hunt him down like a dog for any reason (e.g. a death in the family).
All I really care about is that he tells me he’s going out and what general time he’ll be back. Basic courtesy, IMO, when you share a house and bed with someone.
I care less about where he’s going and who he’s going with, but I would still like to know these things. Part of it is curiosity and interest (my SO is new to this area) but mostly I just like having an idea of where he is. Insecurity or need for control have zilch to do with it-- it’s not like I’d forbid him from going anywhere or doing anything.
I only need to be updated if he’s going to be back later than he expected.
We only have one car, so that forces a certain amount of coordination. We both have pretty set routines–we are just that sort of people–and anytime one of us is more than a couple hours outside that routine, we usually call and let the other know. The only asking about it is me, usually asking “did we have anything planned?” and I ask that because I am really absent-minded about home stuff when I am at work and work stuff when I am at home–I double book all the time because my mind is so compartmentalized.
But most of the time this sort of thing doesn’t come up because we are seriously creatures of habit. Know where my husband is NOW? I can tell you where he’s going to be any day of the week!
My wife and I just naturally tell each other that sort of stuff: where we’re going, who with, guesstimated time of return, and a call on the cell phone if we’re going to be out past our guesstimate by enough that we think the other one might worry. Because neither of us wants the other one to worry. It’s just what we do.
I don’t get why one wouldn’t do this, living with one’s SO, and I don’t get the idea that it would feel like an imposition. There’s no ‘you can’t do X’ (I suppose there would if X involved infidelity, but that’s not an issue), and there’s no ‘you can’t stay out past such-and-such time,’ just if you’re gonna be really late, call so I know whether to wait up. If there was any of that, it might feel constraining. But since there isn’t, it doesn’t.
See my ex husband use to call and the questioning would go something like this… “Hey… Having fun?.. Cool… With Courtney?.. Cool… Where are you?.. Buy anything?.. So what else do you guys have plan?.. Who’s that in the back round?..” etc.
I use to get a TAD annoyed when my cell would ring and it would be him.
When I go out, I want me time. Not have to answer 20 questions. Not to answer the phone a number of times. If I am having a good time and it looks like the night is going to go longer, I don’t want to have call. I told him I wouldn’t be home for dinner and I don’t know when I will be home… Having to call, feels like I have to ask permission. Most times it would turn into a discussion and he would make a list of pros and cons of me staying out later…
Because of the past… I am sort of like this now… If I called, it would be calling to tell him I would be late. Not to ask permission or discuss it. I would be calling to say, “I am coming home 2 hours later then I thought.” End of discussion.
My fiance and I will tell each other the rough time we’ll be back and will phone if plans change. We don’t demand to know who the other is with or what they’re doing, but it often just comes up - “I’ll be home for dinner, Matt and I are going to the pub after work” or “the girls and I are going shopping, be back around 4 or 5”.
If I have plans for us that day/evening, then yes, communication is vital if SO is running late or there needs to be a change in plans. Am I going to ask WHO, WHAT, WHEN, and WHERE questions? Nope. Maybe he wants to run out to the mall and get me a gift - if I drill him and he has to make up a story and then I find out the story is a LIE, and then maybe he didnt find what he was looking for at the mall so no gift and he’s caught in a lie and it goes down hill from there. ETA’s are always appreciated, I just dont want to wake up in the middle of the night and find my SO’s still not home - that would then get me worried about their safety.
Other than that - EAT, DRINK, BE MERRY! And save the lovin for me
I expect the same in return - I absolutely HATE being drilled about my day. I think it steems back from my (now) ex-husband. Thank gawds cellphones were expensive back in those days because I’m sure he would have made me carry one at all times. And if I am being drilled, I close off real quick which, I’m sure, only makes me look like I was up to no good. But I’m stubborn that way, and will only tell someone what I want to tell them.
Depends. If he suddenly puts on a coat and walks towards the door, I’ll aks where he is going, and the if the answer is something like “into town for errands”, I might ask when he will be back.
If he is going to a friends house to to something friend-related, I’ll expect him back sometime that night, and not bother about details. I might ask if he plans on coming home today or tomorrow, though.
And I might ask what his plans are, but that’s because I’m interested, not because I have a right to know. And I might ask who else is/was there for the same reason. And I certainly don’t expect a phonecall telling me that someone else arrived. Thats just bizarre.
I only consider it my right to know where he is and when he is coming back if it directly applies to me; i.e. is he coming home for dinner or am I eating alone?
I can see the point if it is going to be 1am. 2am. Though if I said I was going to be home at 9pm and it looks like we are staying out to midnight… I feel I shouldn’t have to call to tell him. I am not sure why, but it makes me feel like I am being answerable to a parent.
Perhaps it is because of the past relationship going bad that has my thought process tainted a little. Though now if a current bf was to start asking 20 questions about who, what, when, where etc… I am sure you could hear the emotional walls slamming down miles away. And like you said, it would only make me look more guilty that I am doing something wrong, when I’m not. I just want to be treated like a responsible adult without feeling like I am a piece of property or that my every action needs to be dissected into what HE feels is best for me or us.
Man. I think I am going to be single forever. :dubious:
I like to have a general idea of where he is, when he will be home and who he is with – just in case. If he never comes home, I know who to call to start a search for him. If he says he will be home around X o’clock, and then it turns out he will be out later, I like to be given a head’s up – so I don’t worry. If he plans on having dinner with A, and A also invites B & C, I don’t need an update on that – he will usually tell me all the details when he gets home. I tend to give him general information when I go out – and update only on important things. I consider it respect.
I want to have a ballpark idea of when my husband is going to be back, just so I don’t start worrying. If he said he’d be home at nine and midnight comes around and he’s not home, I’d start to worry, and I would be annoyed if he didn’t call, not because I need to know exactly where he is, but because it’s inconsiderate to let your spouse worry about you when a thirty second phone call can prevent it.
Other than that, I’d want to know if he’s going to be home for dinner and that’s about it. I’d be suspicious if he didn’t say anything about where he was going and who he was with, but only because it would be extremely abnormal behavior for him to not mention it.
To me, though, there is some courtesy in letting the other person know–I can be so scatter brained that I might tell my husband I would be home at nine and agree to watch a movie with him when I get back and then forget about that part once I change context. Calling gives him a chance to say “what about the movie?” and me to say either “let’s watch it later” or “oh yeah–awesome, on my way home” or “oh, I forgot, go ahead and watch it if you want”. What isn’t cool is if he sits around for three hours not really commiting to doing anything himself because he’s expecting me to walk in the door any minute.
Also, sometimes a partner will make or fail to make plans assuming you will be there or won’t be there, and it’s just courtesy to let them know–my husband might hold off dinner expecting me to be home at my usual time. If I don’t call, how is he suppossed to know to go ahead and eat, unless it is to call and ask me–and frankly, I’d rather call than be called and asked where I am.
My fiance will phrase it as “hey I’ll be another couple of hours, is that OK?” It’s not so much that he’s asking permission, but he’s touching base with me and making sure I didn’t have something planned. So it might go something like:
Him: I’ll be another couple of hours, is that OK? Me: I just started the pasta cos I thought you’d be home in 30 minutes. You happy to reheat it or eat out? Him: Yeah I’ll heat it up when I get home.
See, in that situation I’d definitely expect a call. It takes less than 30 seconds to call and tell your partner you’ll be 3 hours later than you originally planned.
I kind of see this as setting your hypothetical partner up to fail. If you call him and say “by the way I’ll be another 3 hours” he’ll probably tell you to have fun. But if you don’t let him know he might call at 10:30 to check what’s happening, which makes you feel like he’s being controlling.
Basic time of return and rough idea of destination are all that is required for us. A courtesy call home around 11 if the person is going to be out much longer is also nice. If my wife calls and says, that Denise will drive her home and they are still at the bar, it means I can go to bed.
I think it’s important to let a SO know if you’re going to be out and how long particularly if you’re living together or the expectation is that you’ll ultimately be spending the night together.
The reason is that, your default condition is spending time together. Thus, not returning home when expected can leave the other person maybe waiting to see you and then feeling forgotten about when you’re not back when you said you would be.
Of course, you can say, “I’m headed out to hang out with some friends; not sure when I’ll be back. If it’s later than X I’ll call to let you know.” That seems like a very reasonable level of accountability that doesn’t really impose upon the going-outer at all.
In my situation, my girlfriend and I don’t live together, so if I’m going out for the night I usually just let her know that I’ll be busy and unavailable that evening. I usually let her know what my general plans are (if I have any), but she doesn’t demand them of me; it is a courtesy though, to let her know what I’m doing with my time. We are in a relationship after all, and supposedly have a general and honest interest in what we each are doing.
An interesting thing happened a while back when she called me out of the blue to ask if I felt ok with a mutual male friend going over to her place to hang out and do work with (she was correcting tests, and he was writing an article). I said that of course it was fine, and I’d done similar things without ever thinking about asking her opinion.
Neither of us demand anything from the other, but I don’t begrudge her any information about what I’m doing; what’s the point? I also don’t update her every time plans change.
Exactly. I don’t really care about where/what/who, I just want to know approximately when, so I don’t need to worry unnecessarily. I give my wife the same courtesy. We don’t have trust or control issues, so it really isn’t a big deal.
I like to have an idea. Just a “so-and-so and I are going hereabout and I should be home around X:00”. Usually he goes into more detail, but that’s all I “need”. If he’s going to be later than X:00 I like a call so I don’t worry. I could be on the Olympic worrying team. The call is just common courtesy.
Why do you think that being 3 hours later than you said you would and making someone worry about you is ok? You talk about being treated like a “responsible adult” but you are acting like a rebellious teenager doing something like this. Your SO is not your parent. You are not calling to ask permission. You are calling to keep someone you supposedly care about’s mind at ease. Acting courteously to your SO is not being treated like his property.
My ex-husband was an overly controlling prick, so I know where you are coming from. When I was coming home was never an issue because I wasn’t “allowed” out of the house without him except to go to work (yup, he was a real ass). But, punishing your current SO by making him worry because of the actions of a past SO is just not right.
All that said, if there are a million calls to my cell or I get grilled about what we did every second we were out – guess who’s getting his sorry ass dumped?
