[QUOTE=Priceguy]
I like to know when it’s time to start worrying, at least.
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Two hours after the bars close. 
Personally, for me, it’s generally “I’m going out with so-and-so, and expect to be back around such-and-such a time. If anything changes, I’ll call you.” That’s what I do, and that’s what I expect in return. I don’t expect any grownup to report to me, and I sure as hell am not going to report to anyone else, but it’s simple courtesy to let your SO know when to expect you.
Sorry, missed the edit window…
All of my above post is assuming we are living together. If he’s at his own place than all I need to know is that he isn’t going to be around to hang out or answer the phone if I call. The time he’ll be home and all that aren’t necessary since I won’t be up worrying since I won’t know when he gets home, anyway.
I can see where you guys care coming from. Really I can. As of right now I don’t really have a SO. I am seeing someone and are in the beginning phases of a relationship, but it hasn’t been really nailed down that he’s my BF and I am his GF. Though it is headed in that direction. I have told him that I am pretty independent and like my own space a day or so a week.
Though the thought or question has arise of, “I am going to a football party this weekend, what are you up to?” Making general conversation. It was said on his part, “Thats cool. How long do you think you will be out?” To me it felt like a verbal hand around my throat and I was quick to snap back, “I dunno. When I feel like coming back to my apartment, why?” I am very hesitate to get back into a situation where it feels like I am being answerable for every detail.
So after bringing up this topic at the party, (once the subject of a possible new man in my life came up) of what do you consider respectful vs controlling when it comes to questions to you going out with friends? Yes I am sure he would be entitled to more then, “I am going out and will be home when you see my car drive into the drive way”. Though I don’t want to get back to the point where it feels like the continue questioning makes me feel like I am under a microscope.
So generally from the replies I have gotten so far, I am the one being unreasonable by not giving “him” (because I still feel I am still single in some ways…) a generalized time of when I will be home.
I dunno though, just the thought of feeling “answerable” to some one about my whereabouts, friends, outings, etc makes the suffocation feeling come back all to quickly.
I’m not his mother and he’s no longer a teenager - ergo, I don’t need to know a full itinerary for his travels, or the names and phone numbers of everyone he’ll be with. He’s a big boy, I figure he can make those decisions himself.
The one thing I ask for is a rough idea of when he’ll be home, mostly because I want to know if I should get worried if I wake up at 4am and notice he’s not in bed yet. It’s not really a curfew, just something to keep the worry-wart in me from freaking out and start calling all the hospitals asking if he’s been admitted in a coma (I’m Portuguese - we’ve made an art form out of worrying). And if he should happen to be having a great time and not feel like heading home as early as planned, I’m just a quick text message or phone call away.
He expects the same from me, for that matter (he’s Jewish - they whup Portuguese ass when it comes to worrying). As some have said already, it’s just common courtesy.
[QUOTE=BrknButterfly]
I dunno though, just the thought of feeling “answerable” to some one about my whereabouts, friends, outings, etc makes the suffocation feeling come back all to quickly.
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It’s okay to be unreasonable about a few things–we all have our quirks. The trick is to find some way to satisfy your quirk and his perfectly normal desire to have some idea what you are up to. It may just be a matter of phrasing: he needs to say “when am I going to see you again” or “should I count you in when I make plans tonight?”, not “where are you going?”. What matters is that you find a way that satisfies both of you.
What Priceguy said. An ETA is nice so that I’ll know whether to stay up or when to start worrying. Just a matter of common courtesy. I don’t need all the gory details although she usually fills me in just making conversation. I’ll ask about her day and she asks about mine, not being nosy, but genuinely curious.
[QUOTE=BrknButterfly]
Though the thought or question has arise of, “I am going to a football party this weekend, what are you up to?” Making general conversation. It was said on his part, “Thats cool. How long do you think you will be out?” To me it felt like a verbal hand around my throat and I was quick to snap back, “I dunno. When I feel like coming back to my apartment, why?” I am very hesitate to get back into a situation where it feels like I am being answerable for every detail.
[/QUOTE]
I’d like to know what he said in response to “WHY?” Maybe he wanted to know if he could call you afterwards and talk..or would you be out too late for that. Or maybe he was hoping for a chance to see you afterwards and wanted a ballpark estimate of when you might be back before he suggests a “movie and popcorn on the couch” night. It doesn’t necessarily mean he’s controlling and trying to suffocate your free spirit.
So…how did he respond to your (reading between the lines) slightly tetchy “why?”
I’m another in the “I want to at least know when to worry” camp. My wife was taking a belly-dancing class and would often stop for coffee afterwards with her classmates or they’d grab food or whatever. Fine by me – I don’t need to know where you went for coffee or even that you did. But, if it’s 12:30am and I know your class ended at 8pm, I don’t think that a phone call to make sure you’re not in a ditch is unreasonable.
On the other hand, if I know she was going out dancing with her friends or to do karoke or something, 12:30 might seem reasonable for her to still be out and I wouldn’t call.
Luckily, it all works out for us. She’s understanding about why I’d call and I realize that she isn’t going out just so she can talk to me on a phone instead of in person.
I go out more than he does, and usually I’ll tell him where I’m going and who with. Usually it’s just “I’m off to Gill’s, I’ll be back later” and he’s happy with that. If I know I’m not going to be in for a meal then I’ll tell him so he can cook for himself if he wants to, or wait for me if he wants to.
On the rare occasion he goes out anywhere after work or something, I usually stick to “don’t wake me up when you come in drunk and fall over the cat!”
[QUOTE=BrknButterfly]
So I come to you… When your SO goes out, do you want to know every little detail as to their whereabouts and expect a curfew? Or when they go out, they go out and you see them when they come back?
[/QUOTE]
I don’t. Neither of us goes out much without the other but when he does I don’t drill him. He usually tells me where he is going and that is about it.
I don’t ask when he will be home, who he is going with nor when he will be back. Sometimes he offers it but I never ask. It is not that I don’t care it is just that I trust he can take care of himself. He is a big boy he does not need me telling him what to do nor do I want to do that. I am not his mommy.
Same goes for me. I tell him I am going somewhere and maybe who I am meeting but other than that I don’t need give him an itinerary.
There are no young children to think of or dinner to worry about. If he is not home I just make something for myself and he can eat if wants when he gets home. Same goes for me.
I was in a long distance relationship several years ago and the man wanted to know where I was pretty much 24/7. I can’t tell you the times he called me if I was five minutes late on my way home. He called before work, during work, after I got home from work. On weekends was the same only before errands, during and after. If I did not answer he would call again and again and again until I called back and then drilled me as where I was and who I was with.
One time when I was at work I had to go discuss a project with a co-worker. I was at her desk for about an hour or so. After we got done I went out for a smoke break. He got so panicked that he had not heard from me he actually contacted the front desk and asked to speak with “Terri” who was the person I was working with. He knew this as I had told him right before I went over to her area. He actually talked to Terri and asked her to give me the message that he was trying to reach me.
Another time I had just got off the phone with him as I was leaving work. I stopped on the way home for some milk and bread. He called me on my cell wanting to know where I was and why I was not home yet as he called my home phone and my kids told him I was not home yet. He then came up with the brilliant idea of actually talking to him as I drove home.
Jealousy, paranoia, lack of confidence in themselves, in you and the relationship. I was controlled for a year and half that way from a person that lived 2500 miles away. It was masked as love. It was not. It was being controlled and I will never allow that to happen again nor will I do that to anyone else.
My SO rarely goes out, but usually she’ll tell me where she’s going and when she expects to get back. When she returns, I’ll usually ask, “How’d it go?,” but I don’t demand details.
[QUOTE=kittenblue]
So…how did he respond to your (reading between the lines) slightly tetchy “why?”
[/QUOTE]
His response was, “No reason. Just wondering…” His tone was normal and he didn’t seem upset by it at all. But then again, he knows that type of relationship I got out of a year ago..
I think we are more just feeling each other out. Our quircks and what not..
My response is pretty similar to most of these…
We don’t have control or trust issues, but we communicate. I usually tell him what time I’ll be home from work, or call and let him know if I’m at an appointment… just so he basically knows where I am if he needs to get in touch with me. The last time I went out with friends, I told him I wasn’t sure when I’d be home, and he just asked that I call and update him every few hours so that he could plan accordingly. And that’s how it usually goes. No pressure, no drilling, no games, just… communication.
I’m another one in the courtesy/not worrying camp. I don’t need to know what exactly she is up to while out, but I like to know when she’ll be back because I do have a tendency to fear the worst if she’s 3 hours later than expected but I haven’t heard from her. I also like to extend my wife the same courtesy of telling her when I expect to be back. As it happens, we usually do mention what we are going to be doing, but that is more a matter of making conversation and not because it is expected by the other partner.
As we both dislike cell phones and don’t own them, it makes giving an ETA all the more helpful because there is not the opportunity to call and check up on someone.
Been married 35 years … I guess it’s just habit, that Razorette and I always let each other know our general whereabouts when we leave the house. Any further info is a waste of each other’s time. I do like to know when she’s goiing to be back, mostly so I’ll know when to start worrying if she’s not back by an hour after that.
I can’t imagine what kind of insecurity makes a person need to know his/her SO’s whereabouts and companions at all times.
We always tell each other where we’re going and about when we’ll be back, but it’s not like it’s mandatory or anything. Generally I’ll say “I’ll be back around 9” and my husband will reply “Have fun, don’t cut it short just to get home exactly at 9.” If we’re worried, we’ve got cell phones, but we only call if we’re really starting to wonder what’s become of the other.
I think it would be kind of weird to not tell my husband where I’m going. I mean, it’s not like I’m doing anything secret; I’m going to book club or meeting friends for dessert or something.
Of course, if there’s timing involved and I have to be back by 3 so he can go to his thing, I’m careful to honor that.
[QUOTE=BrknButterfly]
His response was, “No reason. Just wondering…” His tone was normal and he didn’t seem upset by it at all. But then again, he knows that type of relationship I got out of a year ago..
I think we are more just feeling each other out. Our quircks and what not..
[/QUOTE]
Did you let him know that the question made you feel controlled in a not-good way? Because no matter how many people react in whatever way they react, the only people that are important in your relationship are you and him. If you’re not cool with making it clear to him that questions about your whereabouts and timetable are not acceptable, then he’s going to ask and you’re going to end up feeling controlled again. Let him know, so he has the option of changing his habits, or the option of getting out of the relationship before getting more emotionally involved.
Anyhow, yeah, I’m with the rest of the crowd. I do ask when he’ll be home, aboutish, and any of the following are acceptable:
“Well, the drum jam ends at midnight, but I might go out with some people after, so I dunno, 2ish?” To which I’ll say, “okay - call me if it’s going to be past 2 so I don’t wake up scared, okay?”
“Not late.” To which I’ll ask, “midnight not-late or 2 am not-late?”
“Pretty late.” Which means 4 or 5 am, historically
“I’ll be out all night.” Which history has shown means I don’t expect him to be home 'till 8 or 9 am and he won’t be functional the next day. If we have plans the next day, I’ll remind him of that, but if he still chooses to stay out, that’s his deal.
It’s not about control, it’s about knowing that I don’t have to file a missing person’s report. It’s also about setting a good example for my teenager, so that he grows up knowing that when you go out, you let someone know, and if you’re late, you call. In this day of cell phones, there’s no reason to worry anyone.
[QUOTE=BrknButterfly]
So I come to you… When your SO goes out, do you want to know every little detail as to their whereabouts and expect a curfew? Or when they go out, they go out and you see them when they come back?
[/QUOTE]
I don’t need to know much at all. I only want to know enough to fulfilling the following conditions:
I don’t expect her home at any given time, all though if she is going to be uncharacteristically late, she calls anyway. I don’t need to know any specific time that she’ll be back, “I’ll be out late” or “really late” is enough for me. If she’s going out right after work, then I just like to know whether I should make dinner for one or dinner for two and wait for her to get in before eating. (Edit:) It’s mostly a courtesy issue. I know what “really late” means in her terms. So I wouldn’t start worrying until 3am.
I’m actively interested in my SO’s day, so out of plain old interest I may ask who she’s going out with, but I don’t feel any pressing need to know. If the details are really interesting, she’ll probably tell me all about how much fun she had later anyway (or if it was a lousy time, she’ll probably rant when she gets home.)
I certainly would never pester her or interrupt her by calling her while she was out. I wouldn’t want to intrude on her fun evening, to check up on her. That would be weird. I’d only call if there was an emergency. Same thing the other way around. If she called me while I was out, I’d assume something was wrong and that I’d have to go him immediately to deal with the emergency.
[QUOTE=WhyNot]
Did you let him know that the question made you feel controlled in a not-good way? Because no matter how many people react in whatever way they react, the only people that are important in your relationship are you and him. If you’re not cool with making it clear to him that questions about your whereabouts and timetable are not acceptable, then he’s going to ask and you’re going to end up feeling controlled again. Let him know, so he has the option of changing his habits, or the option of getting out of the relationship before getting more emotionally involved.
[/QUOTE]
We have touched upon it a number of time when the topic of my Ex-husband has come up. He knows that I like to have my own space and time to do my own things. Though I haven’t come right out and told him that I don’t like the 20 questions. That I don’t like the who, what, where, when, why, etc. The last thing I want to do is look like I am trying to hide something from him.
He is very egar to meet my friends, mainly my best friend who is male. I have made it clear that my best friend is very much apart of my life and always will be. He has to be comfortable with that and he said he is and would be; he would just like to meet him. Again, understandable. I am just having a hard time defining the line of where he would be invading my personal space. When do I get to the point that I feel smothered.
The point of this thread wasn’t to dive into this new guy and what I do and don’t want with him. While I have no problem getting into that and have nothing to hide from you guys, I just wanted your opinons or views on the topic. I wanted to see if I was being unreasonable for feeling selfish or unreasonable… and from the responses I have gotten so far, I am.
So I just have to find the line where comfortable crosses into smothering/suffocating.
When the People I Sometimes Feed (no SO currently, but Mom and siblings right now, roomies or SOs at other times) tell me they’re going out/out of town/whatever, I want to know which meal to expect them back for. After all, I need to know how many people to cook for and whose quirks and peeves to take into account and whether it has to be ready for a specific and exact time because The Ravening Hordes must go back to work; it’s also good to know whether I should be getting worried or not. Therefore if they’re going to be late, I’d like to get a SMS (they’re so much faster than phone conversations, plus if you’re in the shower when they arrive it’s NBD).
I extend the same courtesy to them. It’s not about trust, it’s just about time management.
BrknButterfly, you’re reminding me of that BF of mine who got pouty when he introduced me to his friends and we hit it off famously. Your friends are a part of your life, of course - but why does it feel wrong to maybe let them be a part of his? Wanting to meet the people who are important to you, or to try the activities that you enjoy, is natural and normal and a positive indication of your man’s interest in you!