What he said. And some idea where/with whom to start looking when it IS time to start worrying.
We usually like to know when the other person will be home late so we can alter dinner plans and not get worried.
When she gets home, I usually ask her how her evening was and accuse her of sleeping with everyone in her story. ie
“So me and Amy went to Primehouse and the waiter…”
“ARE YOU SLEEPING WITH HIM?”
“hmm…no…anyway…Amy and I…”
“Are you sleeping with HER?!!”
“yes you idiot”
Let me clarify that he and I just started dating. Like two weeks ago. This relationship is still very new and the boyfriend/girlfriend thing was just brought up probably a few days ago at the most. While I have no problem with him meeting my friends and even hanging out with us; I still want them to be apart of just my life. My outlet. My night out with my friends. I need my space and if I don’t get it, the feeling of being smothered comes and then the bickering, etc. I don’t want to see this happen with this guy. He’s great. Amazing. I can someting wonderful coming from this if I don’t let my reflexes or insecuerites trip it up.
I want to be able to go out with my friends and not hear, “Can I come?” Because if I was to say no (in the past) it always causes a fight.
I have always had this theory when it comes to relationships. There is his world. There is my world and then the world we create together. I refuse to be “his world” or his “reason of being”. I don’t want to be the center of everything he does. I have been with someone like that before and that is what makes the entire thing suffocating. I want to be my own person, with my own interests. Last night he told me that he wanted to take me to a local town this weekend and show me places that would be great for photography. I love photography. It’s my passion. He doesn’t have a clue about it and has no interest in it either. Though he wants to spend the day with me while I hike around.
Smothering.
He has no interest. No clue about and while I appericate that he is trying to take an interest in something I love, what exactly is he going to do? I can take hours of just walking around and snapping hundreds of pictures. I really don’t want someone trailing me like a puppy dog or have that face of bordem. It takes everything I love about it and ruins it. Though I figure all this is new and I will give him a chance. Give the day a chance. For all I know he will go off hiking doing his own thing. Who knows.
I don’t know why I feel it’s invading. That was the purpose of the thread. To see if I was overreacting. It is obvious that I am the minority in this thinking or feel. So do I change how I feel or ask him to adapt?
I would request a ETA, not so much to spy, but because it helps me organize my day or night.
If you were going to be out long enough I may start a project assuming I have enough time to work uninterrupted.
Also a basic plan and a don’t call out the rescue squad till this time is also appreciated.
I care where my girlfriend goes, but only because I’m interested in her as a person. I’m not her minder and I don’t care if she’s going to a male strip club and drinking us into debt with people I don’t know. I know she’s coming home to me and I want her to have a good time. I’m really not into the possessive/jealous thing. I trust her completely and she tends to call to let me know where she is anyway.
You don’t change a thing. I think you’re getting alot of responses from people who are married or who have lived together for awhile, and yeah, the rules change when you live together. But dating is dating, and while you might be in the minority, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with you.
I start relationships slow and mark my territory early. I like to have my space and my time. If I start getting smothered, I’ll take to scooping her up and roaring things like “STOP PECKING AT ME, WOMAN-THING”. And if she can laugh and go off and do her own thing and be happy, she’s worth my time. If she gets her nose out of joint and brings the drama, well, I guess that’s a sign right there.
Personally, I’m relieved when a girl does her own thing and does it alot. Good, I’m glad she’s maintaining other social relationships and not getting overly-dependant on our relationship, it tells me there’s a person under there and not just some barnacle floating around looking for a ride.
So how would it feel to hear “Can I come?”, say no, and hear, “Okay, have fun! Loveyoubye.”?
Is it really the “Can I come?” that’s the problem, or what you anticipate will come after based on your previous experiences?
Food for thought. You don’t have to answer out loud. 
I understand that this isn’t a “fix BrknButterfly” thread.
And, as **Grossbottom **says, dating while living apart is a totally different kettle of fish. But if what he’s saying triggers you, I still think you owe it to him to let him know so he can decide whether to stop triggering you or if that’s a dealbreaker, dating or otherwise.
So, to revise my answer to answer what I think you *intended *to ask: When we didn’t live together, I didn’t give a rat’s ass when he came home (to his home). I might ask about his plans so as to lead up to a suggestion to get together afterwards, but if we didn’t have plans, I didn’t need to know when he was “late”.
You owe it to him to give a basic explanation of your whereabouts if he asks. No more no less. Not every man who asks those questions is a control freak, rather it is normally an expression of caring.
No offense, but it sounds like you’ve got some major issues there that you aren’t really over at all. He’s obviously trying to show an interest in something that means a lot to you, If you really don’t want him around for that time then tell him straight. He is trying to be sweet, and show you that he cares about the things that are important to you. If a prospective GF got tetchy with me that early in a relationship, over such an innocuous question, I would probably drop her in a hot second.
First, No offense taken.
Secondly, no kidding they are issues. I think we all in some ways have issues. This is mine and I know that. It is obvious that I like this guy, so I am trying what I can not to screw it up. Hence why I came to you guys to see what is appropriate and what isn’t. It is pretty obvious I need to loosen up about it. So I am going to work on that.
He’s worth at least that and alot more.
It’s all in how they ask 
for example, someone could ask me something intensely deeply personal but if the tone of their voice sounds like they are asking because they find me interesting I will probably want to tell them. But my mother can ask me the simplest most innocuous question “what did you eat for lunch today” and because her tone of voice sounds judgemental, I have to try really hard to resist the urge to scream “none of your business!”
When I was married I specifically banned my wife from telling me when she was going to be home from anything. I got sick of this kind of thing:
Her - See you later I’ll be home about 10.
Me - Oh, you won’t even be there until 9. Surely you’ll want to stay more than an hour?
Her - No I don’t want to be up late.
And dozens of variants, all with her** insisting ** that she will keep some self imposed curfew. And me hanging around at home starting to worry as the curfew becomes deeper and deeper in the past.
Eventually I convinced her that it was better for my peace of mind if she just offered no time that she expected to be home.
I suppose with the advent of mobile phones this is less of a problem than it used to be. Twenty years ago it could sometimes be impossible to find a working public phone to call home when on a night out.
Ok, so I’m jumping in here without reading ahead to seeif this has been recommended…
Next time, just tell whomever you’re going out and you don’t know when you’ll be back. That way, you’re not feeling pressured to say a time, and he wouldn’t worry what time you’ll be home.
Though if you do state a time, and you’re going to be three hours late, it is considerate to call and give a alternate time or at that point to say that you don’t know when you’ll be home. This way you don’t feel pressured, he doesn’t feel worried, and you won’t get that “controlling” phone call.
Just my .02
Do you lift your leg to mark your territory?
Sorry, living with five dogs makes me ask these questions
We certainly don’t issue any ‘curfews’ as we are adults. With that said, it would be very unusual for either of us to be out past 9 or 10. We get up very early.
I do like to know who she might see and what time she expects to be home. But only as a matter of safety. Any direction from our house is a drive on (often) icy mountain roads.
Ditto here. I get up at 0430 or 0500 every day of the week, working or no. I generally go to bed at 2100 or 2200 at the latest. If my wife was out after 2100 (since she generally goes to bed at the same time as me) on a work night without callng, I’d be concerned as it’s not typical for her. So I guess the best way to judge is if something is not typical, you’d like a call. If you’re always out till 0200, then i wouldn’t be concerned. If you’re always home by 1800 and it’s 0200, I’d be concerned.
Luckily I’ve never had that problem as I keep her chained to the kitchen table.
She pretends that she doesn’t like it but we both know…
Women eh!Their little ways are so cute.
Typically, if my SO is out with someone, I ask who he’s with out of pure curiosity (I like his friends, and I like hearing about them too). As for the time, I usually want to know around what time he’ll be back, also – but this is due to me having an intense fear of him getting into a fatal car wreck or something of the sort. I want to know around when he’ll be back so I don’t spend five hours worrying about whether or not he’s still alive. (I know, it makes no logical sense, but you can’t defeat anxiety with logic. At least I haven’t learned how to do it yet.)
There is no cut and dried answer. It just depends on the relationship… What works in one relationship may or may not work in another.
Personally… I like to know where she is, and I like her to know where I am. Sure, I don’t want to feel like I have to recite line for line what happened, but she just doesn’t do that - nor do I do that to her.
I think this does a few things - it prevents worry (infidelity, emotional attachments, etc), allows for appropriate worry (she’s quiet and late, this isn’t like her, something’s wrong), and it’s just nice to know what’s going on in the SO’s life.
I figure it’s like this… two people get together because they have a compatibility and love. It’s easy to lose that compatibility if the both of you aren’t generally exposed to the same thoughts or ideas - as each person’s evolution of thought will diverge.
Everyone needs space - and should be accorded it. And hopefully the relationship is mature, open, and trusting enough that it can be given freely. Few relationships start in that place. Many don’t quite get there either, I’d think.
Given your description of the way he asked, it sounds like your new boyfriend was just making conversation and not interrogating you. My husband and I do this all the time - it just shows that we’re interested in each other and helps us schedule appropriately, not that we’re quizzing one another or insecure.
For example,
Me: “Hey, are we busy Monday?”
Him: “Nope, why?”
Me: “I was thinking I’d go to book group. We’re meeting at Starbucks.”
Him: “Sounds good. Is Sarah going to be there? How’s her baby?”
Me: “She should be there - I’m sure her baby’s fine, otherwise she probably wouldn’t show.”
Him: “Did you actually read the book this time or are you just going to hang out?”
Me: “Ha, ha, smartass. Yes, I read it. Most of it, anyway. What time will you be home from work?”
Him: “6:30 - what about you? What time do you need to leave?”
And so on. The questions we ask each other really just help us plan our day around our work, personal and family lives.
From the way your boyfriend asked, it sounds like he was trying to do the same thing, as mentioned earlier. Maybe he wanted to see if you’d be interested in meeting him after the party or if he should go out with his own friends since you’d be unavailable.
Not currently in a relationship, but based on past experience:
I never expected more from an SO (I’m assuming this is a cohabitation situation, otherwise I don’t see why this stuff would even come up) than “I won’t be around Wednesday night - I’m going out with some friends”. Naturally, a phone call if the SO is going to be home much later than “going out with some friends” would be expected to run is just common courtesy, and it’s been quite a while since everyone on the planet acquired a cell phone, so really, that’s reasonable to expect. “Out with friends”, at least in my social circle and geographic location, might be expected to run until midnight or shortly thereafter on a weekday, later on a weekend. So if the SO isn’t home at 2:00 or 3:00 AM, I’m going to worry about her if I haven’t gotten a phone call. Once in a while, I’d get a call from my SO of longest duration saying “I was out with X and we stayed out too late to get the PATH train (we lived in Manhattan, X lived in Hoboken, if that helps), so I’m going to stay at her house.” Fine with me, and I appreciate the call. That’s what seems right to me.
As it turned out, the longest-duration SO was abusing my trust greatly, and carrying on an affair or two, and we broke up. But in my next relationship, I’ll still have the same standards as to information, times, curfews (curfews? In an adult relationship? Good God), etc. No reason for the next woman to pay the price for the dishonesty of the previous one.