So this is wholly my fault, because I have fairly chronic insomnia, and throwing off the schedule I’ve meticulously maintained since classes ended in May to go to a midnight showing of The Dark Knight was perhaps not the wisest decision I could have made. Bedtime is midnight for me, no matter what, and I’ve discovered that both the ritualization I’ve created around that and the actual regularity of being in bed by then really does help. But I got a ticket for half price! And it was a really good movie.
I get home from the movie at about 3:30 AM. I was eating popcorn and I’m all wound up, because I just saw an awesome movie, so I try to burn off the energy by going for a walk, and finally go to bed at about four thirty. Then - because I have an anxiety disorder and am full of stupid - I start worrying about the fact that it’s four thirty AM and I’m not asleep. “Goddamn it, why am I not asleep yet, oh god I’m going to be so dead tomorrow at work shitshitshit.” Logical, of course: Let’s freak the fuck out, because that’ll help you relax and fall asleep! I get about two and a half hours of sleep and drag my sorry carcass to work at nine.
I pour caffeine down my throat all morning, but force myself to stop at lunchtime. I vow that I will not nap when I get home around five, because napping, even a half-hour snooze, tends to reset my brain into thinking “Hey, it’s morning, let’s get ready to be awake for fifteen hours!”, which isn’t good at any time but, you know, morning.
But I get home and I’m exhausted, and my bed is right there, so I say fuck it, I’m going to lie down and close my eyes for fifteen minutes. Absolutely no more.
Three goddamn hours later, I wake up, and only then because my phone is ringing. And the problem is I feel great, refreshed and energetic and ready to seize the day.
All four hours damn hours left of it.
So now I know I’m not going to get any sleep tonight, and I’m going to again be exhausted at work tomorrow, and so I’ll either drink too much coffee or nap again, and then I’ll end up pretty much wasting my weekend trying to force myself back onto a reasonable schedule again, and all because my fucking brain is broken. Normal people - at least normal people my age, because I’m 21 - can stay up ridiculously late for a day and get the hell over it. I, on the other hand, stay up a few hours later than usual one night and my brain decides that hey, 5 AM is the new midnight! Or how’s this for mindgames: I’m thinking that hey, maybe I could if I could just relax over it and maybe I’m just stressing too damn much over it - oh god, am I stressing too much? Shit, stop it, relax, stop freaking out…ARGH. I’ve had actual panic attacks from that exact line of thought before, which is the most goddamn insane thing in the world. Worrying about the fact that how much your worrying is keeping you awake is a very special type of hell, and I hate it.
Goddamn it, why can’t we replace sleep with a pill or something yet?