Goddamned Feral Cat

The BBQ Pit
1

I have been working on a garden this spring. To be honest, it’s not much of a garden, and many Serious Gardeners would probably piss themselves laughing at it, but it’s still a garden. Specifically, I’m trying to grow a few vegetables to offset the rising cost of food - since I’m seriously underemployed I have the time to do this, although very little money.

When I discovered a cat was using my hard-labor-prepared garden beds (no money for a rototiller, so I’m breaking sod and cultivating with hand tools) as his personal latrine my fury blazed like the Yellowstone supervolcano in full eruption mode. Yes, rationally I know it’s just a dumb cat doing what cats do, but emotionally it was THREAT TO FOOD SUPPLY LOOMING FAMINE KILL KILL KILL!

Animals lovers, fear not - I honked the car horn at it and it ran off.

It’s a black Felix domesticus. People keep asking me if it’s a pet. How the FUCK should I know? I can’t get within 10 feet of it. It doesn’t have a collar, but that’s nothing unusual with pet cats. I don’t care if it’s a pet or not, it’s destroying my vegetables every time it takes a shit and digs around trying to bury it. It’s doing that at least once a day.

I have tried noise. I tried barriers. But keep in mind I have almost no money. I looked into animal repellants and ALL of them said “do not use on food crops”. Well “food crops” is exactly what he is shitting on. Literally.

Someone said “Buy a live trap”. HELLO? No money, remember? That’s why the garden is vegetables and not flowers this year. Are you going to buy it for me? No? Then shut the fuck up.

I have been given the list of several “pest control” companies. HELLO? No money. These people do not work for free.

Some asshole said “Well, why don’t you set up a really litterbox for it and maybe it will use that instead”? What the holy fuck? I don’t want a goddamned pet cat! Oh, and, by the way - are YOU paying for the litterbox and the resulting need for a constant supply of litter? No? HELLO? No money. Oh, and by the way - are YOU going to come by and maintain this litterbox? No? Then shut the fuck up. I don’t want or need a goddamned pet cat at this point in my life.

I called the county animal control. Explained there is a cat problem and the nature of same. No, I have no clue if it’s a pet or not, can’t get closer than 10 feet. Frankly, I don’t give a damn. I WANT IT GONE. Yes, it would be nice if we could remove said pestilent vermin without hurting it, I’m basically a nice person. I have nothing against cats as a group, I’ve had pet cats I’ve loved very much, but THIS cat I hate, I loathe, I want gone gone GONE!

2

I had/have the same problem in my raised beds. I know you’re trying not to spend money, but the absolute only thing I found that kept the bastards away was fruit tree netting, which I draped over the beds and a few sticks ‘n’ things to keep it up off the soil. It’s cheap, and just enough of a barrier to confuse and discourage the cat. You can use it year after year, and also it doubles duty as actual fruit netting to drape over your tomato plants once they’re heavy with fruit.

3

And if you have tomatoes, you won’t want those birds pecking your fruits to death.

teela, will that netting keep deer from eating tomatoes? Last time we had tomatoes, the deer ate half of them. I mean, like, 1/2 of each tomato!

4

I’m hoping animal control takes care of the problem, but I’ll keep your suggestion in mind.

The other problem is that these aren’t raised beds, they’re in-ground, there three of them, and so far it’s 100 square feet and growing (yes, done by hand - I mentioned hard work, yes?) so that would be quite a production to cover, wouldn’t it?

(And why does everyone assume all gardens have tomatoes? I don’t grow tomatoes because my body reacts to tomato plants as if they were poison ivy. Really. Full body rash and stuff. No, no tomatoes for me at all.)

5

If there is a feral cat rescue, Humane Society, or SPCA in your area they may be able to lend you a Hav-a-Heart type trap. It’s worth checking out.

6

It pisses me off that if I let my dog roam around the neighborhood at will, I’ll get a summons, but fucking cats can go anywhere they want and seemingly do anything they want because OMG ITS NATURAL!!!111!

If you don’t want to kill the fucking thing, pop it a few times with a BB gun. Stings 'em like a bastard and after a couple times they stop coming back.

And if they don’t stop coming back, pump up the BB gun a few extra times and aim for the eye.

7

You said you called animal control. Give them another call and see if they will loan you a live trap to try to catch it with. That’s fairly standard procedure around here.

And as far as repellents, I thing ground cayenne pepper is a fairly effective natural cure. Google will likely render several safe and affordable alternatives.

But I’d check the live trap angle from animal control or any shelters you might have in the area.

Good luck with your garden! :slight_smile:

8

They wanted a “donation”. OK, look motherfuckers, a “donation” is optional - a mandatory “donation” is a GODDAMNED FEE! HELLO? No money.

The county, it seems, will do it for free. Of course, that vastly increases the odds the cat will be killed (I refuse to use the euphemism “euthanized”. We kill unwanted animals in our society, just wrap your little mind around the concept) rather than adopted out, which I guess makes me a heartless poor person but if the fucking tree-hugging do-gooders want to actually help out they can shove their fucking condescension up their collective asses and fund a service that can help out poor folks trying to grow some food. Not everyone has money, it’s that fucking simple. I could have just asked the landlord to shoot the little motherfucker, as ammo for .45’s is relatively cheap and he’s a good shot, but no, I am going to some time and trouble to find alternatives. But I guess that’s not good enough for people with the relative wealth to care about feral animals destroying someone’s food.

Um, yeah, I did get a holier-than-thou bitch on the line with the Humane Society, why do you ask?

9

That would work IF I had a BB gun. As it happens, I know lots of people with real guns, but none with BB guns.

10

One thing to try if you know anyone who grows roses (or can find them through your local rose society). Thorny branches pruned from rose bushes can be placed on the ground in your vegetable beds to discourage cat traffic. This seemed to work pretty well last year when I was trying to keep rabbits away.

There’s a product (called “Cat Scat”?) that works on the same principle, with plastic spikes sticking up out of mats that you bury in the soil.

11

Why don’t you call up a Pest Control place, who will come out and put a live trap with a litter box in it?

12

Good advice. Failing that, maybe you can find someone to lend you a trap on Craigslist.

13

They send they’d send and “agent” to deal with it. Frankly I don’t care how they deal with it, I just want the animal gone. They can live trap it if they want, but if they get out here and decide to simply shoot it in the head I frankly wouldn’t give a damn.

Pepper did not work

Citrus juice did not work.

I do not have the money to mulch 100 square feet in aluminum foil, and judging how it worked with my pet cats years ago (tinfoil on couches/counters) I seriously doubt it would be effective.

Frankly, the cat seems determined to shit in my garden, no matter what.

The shelters I called directly will only do it in return for a donation. Fuck them. Apparently I’m too poor to deserve pest control.

14

Some people have had success deterring cats with citrus peels - just put them on the ground where the cats seems to like to go. I know fruit isn’t cheap but if you can budget some into your diet at least you’ll be able to use all of it!

15

I have three rose bushes. I tried exactly what you said. The fucking cat tore them out of the ground, shit in my radishes, and then piled the rose branches on top fo the fucking mess.

He’s a stubborn motherfucker. I HAVE tried to discourage him.

Uh-hu. And how much would that cost for 100 square feet of vegetable bed…? I tried the poor man’s version, spiking the beds myself. It didn’t work. I’m tire of fighting this fucking cat!

16

I poured a pint bottle of lemon juice around one of the beds. He still shit in it. You really think “citrus peels” will work better?

17

Heavens! You have my sympathies.

18

I’m hoping the county will trap the little bastard.

The other “pest control” places wanted me to pay for their services. I haven’t got any money. This is a constant merry-go-round.

Also, if it IS a feral cat who’s never been a pet, why the fuck would it know about using a “real” litterbox? It’s probably been shitting in gardens all its life and doesn’t know any other way to do its business.

19

For crying out loud, just borrow a gun and shoot the fucking thing. If you aren’t confident of your marksmanship have one of your gun owning friends shoot it for you.

20

A squirt from a hose will also discourage them.