Since SOME people think the Monday Morning Post should show up on Monday AND in the morning and if I don’t pound it out on schedule they get all jumpy, I pounded this one out. It ain’t art, but it’s on time. I think that’s what SOME people, who shall remain nameless unless I feel like pointing fingers later, really care about.
So, what do I have? What’s going on?
Well, to be brutally honest, not much. I saved the World. (Yeah, I’m sort harping on that, but YOU save the World and see how long it takes you to let it go.)
The whole family went to Costco for the first time and there was this one lady in a full length fur coat. I didn’t know you had to be that dolled up to buy a bale of paper towels and a five pound bag of frozen chicken breasts. It made me feel underdressed. Now I’m looking into getting a bunch of ascots to spiff up my wardrobe.
I got all my friends a great deal on a great time in Ohio. (Yeah, you CAN have a great time in Ohio, no matter what you’ve heard.)
And Katcha’s getting housebroken. I think he’s just in it for the M&M’s, but we’re teaching him his colors too, so he’s learning something and that’s what’s important.
Uh…Oh yeah! I had to send off an e-mail to one of my “friends” because they (another nameless person, but not the same one as before in case you’re trying to keep track) are just so blatantly wrong headed. It was full of love and caring and stuff and it was just loaded chock-full of well-reasoned arguments showing them just how stupid they were being with their life. But it didn’t take and I don’t want to say any more about it. Unless someone asks. Then I might say a little more.
Oh yeah, and I got a phone call…
Ring ring! went the phone because that’s the kind of phones we have. I hate the ones that chirp at you to get your attention.
“Hello?”
“Rue! Come down to the lab right away! I have something to show you!”
“OK. Just… who are you and which lab are we talking about?” I’m big in the science circles, you never know which lab I’m going to run off to next.
“This is Professor Throttlebody and I’ve just made a huge breakthrough!”
“OK! I’m on my way!”
So I get to Professor Throttlebody’s lab and there she is (yeah, she’s a girl, what about it?). She’s all excited about her huge breakthrough.
“Oh Rue, I’m glad to see you. You sure made some good time.”
“Yeah, traffic was light. What’s up?”
“Well, as you know, I’ve been experimenting with lightning bugs. See this one over here? This one has super reflexes that makes it really hard to get into a jar. This one over here has what I like to call “Lightning Bug Senses”. It just knows when a kid is trying to trap it and it won’t glow then. Like it can look into the future. This one has a thicker carapace that makes it tough for a little bug. It probably has Super Bug Strength too, I’m not sure. That one over there has Super Glowing abilities. I’ve spliced all these amazing lightning bug genes into one Super Lightning Bug over… Great Mendel! It’s gone!”
And it was gone. At least I figure it was gone. The tank marked “Super Lightning Bug” was empty. Like you couldn’t just mark an empty tank “Super Lightning Bug” and SAY it’s gone just to collect on the insurance. But Professor Throttlebody seemed pretty upset, so I tried to lighten the mood.
“Hey doc, you’ve gone to a lot of trouble over these lightning bugs. You trying to take over the World or something?”
“Don’t be silly. You can’t take over the World with lighting bugs. Not even Super Lightning Bugs. To take over the World, you’d have to splice piranha genes into a capuchin monkey… er… never mind…”
“So what have you been experimenting on lightning bugs for? Obviously NOT to take over the World.”
“I was going to revolutionize the flashlight industry. Remember when the Sun was going out just a little while ago?”
“Yeah, I remember.”
“Well, that got me thinking about improving the flashlight. And what better to use than Nature’s Own Flashlight, the lightning bug? And glow in the dark novelties. Everyone likes a good glow in the dark novelty. I’m partial to glowing frogs myself.”
“Oh, I see your point. Too bad your genetically enhanced Super Lightning Bug got away. OW! My hand! I’ve been bitten! Doc, take a look at this. Is this your Super Lightning Bug? The one that just bit my hand and injected it’s DNA into my bloodstream even though that goes against everything we know about lightning bugs?”
“Yes that is my Super Lightning Bug. But I’m sure no harm will come to you from the DNA that’s right now coursing through your bloodstream, possibly combining with your own DNA causing untold mutation in your genetic code.”
“OK, if you’re sure. Then I’ll just go home now.”
And I went home.
The first thing I did was to design and sew up a costume for when my Super Lightning Bug powers start to manifest themselves. I wanted to be ready to fight crime right away. I thought I’d call myself “Firefly” because that just sounded so cool. Actually it sounded cool enough to be the name of a TV show, only it wouldn’t be about a super-powered guy with the amazing powers of the lightning bug, but about the crew of a spaceship and the adventures they’d have. And since it would be about the crew of a spaceship, it would be in the future, only some of the planets they went to wouldn’t have all the technology you’d figure and it would be all cowboy-like. But who am I kidding? They’d never make a TV show like that. Even if they did, it would probably get canceled real early in it’s run.
As it turns out, I shouldn’t have bothered. I didn’t get a boat-load of cool super powers from the bug bite. Actually I only got one power and it’s not all that super really. What it is see… well… uh… my butt lights up whenever I try to “impress the ladies”.
Now when I go to bars I have to wear thick pants.
-Rue.
