Am I the only person that associates the smell of scraped resins from a bowl are equal to the smell of opium which is the base of some perfumes?
I swore I have walked into a meeting and she sat right next to me and if I did not know better I would have thought she had just come back from smoking a caked bowl.
I am serious. Do some perfumes smell of opiate?
(Making the obvious joke)
Well, maybe Opium does. 
I don’t actually know what opium smells like, so I don’t have a frame of reference. Some perfumes smell like crushed bugs to me, though.
Yes.
I will NOT elaborate farther on this point either. 
Put a big steamy pile of dogshit on her chair (surreptitiously of course) and then comment on how much nicer it smells around here lately.
A co-worker took a cigarette break the other day. Okay, so this week the weather here has been cooooooooold, so she stands with one foot outside, one propping the door open, half in, half out. As the subzero weather + cigarette smoke come pouring in, another co-worker sticks her head around the corner and says “Cold!” Made her point. Smoking co-worker finished her cigarette, came back in and said “Well, did you want me to come inside and smoke?” I gave her the death glare from hell and informed her that our shared co-worker has asthma. Stoopit… grr
Plenty of lines in there that you can use next time.
There’s unscented deodorants on the market.
Personally, I enjoy a LIGHT application of scent on other people, most of the time. And I usually give myself a small squirt of Opium before I go out. But it’s just one tiny squirt. And if I’m going to be up close and personal with someone who has to be within touching range, say my doctor or dentist (as opposed to being up close and personal with a lover), then I don’t use perfume at all.
There’s a girl who works in my office who REEKS of some expensive but horrendously smelly perfume. I mean, she bloody MARINATES in it. I can’t stand her in the first place but this perfume she has just puts the icing on the cake. I swear when she walks by my office, the smell leaks thru the closed door and is assimilated into the carpet!
I suggest you go to Sinister Scents, a supplier of concentrated special effects smells for haunted houses. Buy yourself a nice bottle of concentrated putrefaction, open grave, or burning hair and pour it into her scent bottle when she goes to the bathroom. Give it a vigorous shake and watch the fun. 
I’ve used these products before and they are fantastic.
Find the asthmatic in your office and support that person’s complaint to HR.
I think I’ve come up with a plan. One of my attorneys despises her because of her weird psycho behavior and scenting antics. On an upcoming weekend when I’m out of town, I’m going to have him just remove the lotion from her desk and throw it away. She’ll first wonder if I did it, but since she’ll know I’m away, she won’t be able to pin it on me. She doesn’t yet guess that the attorneys in our department dislike her. The attorney in question often works weekends and so he’ll be a good partner in crime.
You might also find a search and rescue supplier to obtain some, ah, special fragrance like putrescine or cadaverine. These are lovely fragrances used to train dogs to find human bodies in search-and-rescue operations. A little dab’ll do ya.
Robin
Of for heaven’s sake.
If you have an HR person, have him/her/them TELL her that she must use only unscented lotions in the office, because she is making people ill.
In fact, after they discuss this with her, they should make it company policy. No scented lotions or soaps to be used on the premises.
I hate that shit.
As do I.
She’s just the excitable type to make this into some sort of me vs. her feud. And since I have to sit within five feet of her, I prefer not to escalate her psycho-ness factor at me. It’s a bit like having neighbors who are clueless enough to make a godawful amount of noise late at night, and transform that stupidity into a vendetta against you no matter how politely you ask them to keep it down.
Good.
Then you can get her fired.
Good luck, and, seriously, go through HR. Stopping passive agrressive bullshit and petty feuds IS part of their job.
This is an absolutely horrible idea.
Perhaps you could either engage her in a discussion about olfactory boundaries (that is, talk to her about it rationally), or you could avail yourself of the mechanisms within your office to effectively solve the problem. That way, even if she does go “psycho,” (or, just understandably reacts negatively to what amounts to you fucking with her), HR already has notice that she’s retaliating improperly, rather than properly. Because if you concocted a plan to waste attorney time and steal from a co-worker, and I were in HR, guess what? You’d look like (and you would be) the bad guy.
Being an adult about all this has SO much more upside.
I don’t know, I once shared a programming assignment with a group of Germans. Not so bad you say? This was in Cuba, in a building with no air conditioning and small windows, and these Germans had evidently never heard of either daily showers or anti-perspirant deodorant. I know what hell smells like.
Or you could be an adult about it.
Seriously, wtf?
Yeh, everyone’s right. I think I was indulging in a bit of wishful thinking.