Good housekeeping tip #347

Broccoli is a delicious food. Broccoli is a nutricious food. Broccoli is easy to prepare. Simply steam, and add a pinch of salt. One can never eat too much broccoli, as it is packed with vitamins.

If you make too much broccoli, simply refrigerate for later use. Or throw away. Do not leave broccoli in the steamer for three days, especially if those days are hot and humid. Your kitchen will smell like ass. Satan’s ass. Satan’s ass after having been ass-raped by Hitler. A recently dead and rotting Hitler. Who was left for dead in a pile of dog poo. On a hot day.

For more housekeeping tips, go to www.damnmykitchensmellslikesatansass.com.

Linky no worky. That said, I’m the queen of Mystery Rot, though it is usually confined to the crisper drawer. I’m workin’ on a double batch of bad mushrooms as we speak. As soon as they can be the-last-thing-in-the-garbage-bag, out they go. With any luck, I’ll get to fish a half-liquified cucumber out of there, too!

Linky jokey.

The other day I grabbed for a sweet potato. I had several, but decided to bake the oldest one, hoping to eat it before it rotted. When I grabbed it, I was surprised to find it had already been baked. At least it was soft. So soft, my thumb went right through it.

Potatoes (white potatoes) are The Worst. Great googly-moogly, they’ll last nearly forever, and if you’re lucky they’ll dry out instead of going Satan’s Ass, but the Assy ones are the Assiest. Worse than dairy. Worse than broccoli (although broccoli is really bad). Worse than onions, even.

Damn…did you hear that whoosh?

Oh, and Re: the sweet potato, I just threw up a little in my mouth. :o

my vote goes for potatoes; when they turn to liquid…

makes me want to hurl

Once in college I left a quart of milk in the little fridge in my dorm room over Christmas break. They turned the power off to the dorm over the break, and it was a warmish Christmas that year. When I got back in January I started smelling the milk in the hallway as I approached my room.

One summer a can of frozen orange juice rolled out of the grocery bag in the trunk of my car and concealed itself amongst the clutter in my trunk. Over the next few days I noticed a sickly sweet smell that got worse and worse until I finally located the can. It took weeks to get the smell out of my car.

I lived in a gigantic Victorian house years ago. The kitchen had a gajillion cabinets and I forgot about a bag of potatoes that I’d stashed in one of them.

They grew right into the cabinet. Freekin’ disgusting.

Last year, on the eve of my summer vacation, I had three items on my agenda. A) Do laundry, B) Eat dinner, C) Pack. I stopped at the grocery and decided to get some crab legs. The temperature that day was something like 187 degrees. Major bits of the supermarket were malfunctioning, and the fish department was looking a little – off. I got the crab legs anyway.

When I got home, I found that the laundry room was closed. They’ll do that when they suspect a lot of people will be running air conditioners. Brown outs are a fact of life in my building. So my plan changed to lugging a huge bag of laundry about 4 blocks in the blistering heat to a laundromat, then getting a couple of slices at a local pizzeria. I wasn’t trusting the crab, and I’d have little time to pack.

Since garbage disposal was in the closed laundry room, I couldn’t throw anything out. I figured the safest place for the crab was in the fridge. It would keep for eight days until I got back, right?

What I didn’t count on was my building having a power outage for two days. By the time I got rid of the fishy smell, I was putting up Christmas decorations.

Once we had a tub of ricotta cheese that was in our fridge for a while after only being partly used. Mom opened it to see how it was, and it was red.

I don’t know what makes cheese go red and I don’t want to know.

Can anything go bad faster than a box of strawberries left out for a couple of days…Green, hairy, stinky… :eek:

Did you know that if you lose a tub of KFC gravy under the passenger seat of your car in August it will no longer smell like chicken in a week?
Oddly, it smells like beef. Evil beef. From mad cows.

Cooked broccoli left in the fridge and forgotten for a while tends to have that same Satan’s ass smell. It’s usually best to just throw out the whole container - don’t open it! Trust me!

You’re not the only one to notice. Most of the copycat recipes for KFC gravy on the web contain beef.

A couple years ago I bought some carrots with the intention of actually eating them. After a few months in my dorm fridge, the bag hadn’t been opened and the contents had liquified. I gave up on trying to have good intentions about not eating like shit.

Recipe for Satan’s Own Wine:

  1. Place tupperware full of cubed fruit in cab of pickup.
  2. Make sure windows are rolled up.
  3. Leave in pickup at 125 degrees for about 8 hours.
  4. Drive pickup at 40 MPH, slam on brakes.
  5. Pick up about 90% of fruit from floorboard and scrub thoroughly, but be sure to leave an adequate amount of juice within the nap of the carpet.
  6. Park pickup in preheated garage for about 4 days.
  7. Enjoy the fruity fermented goodness of the resulting aroma for the next three months.

(warning-semi serious thought ahead: )
WOW–what has the human race sunk to, when we all assume that a web site called “damn-mykitchensmellslikesatansass” is legitimate ?

Funny, I recently described broccoli in the garbage disposal as smelling of “Satan’s unwiped ass.” Perhaps we’re onto an empirical truth here, not just a poetic description.

There’s a fridge in the basement that we only use over the holidays. This week I disposed of a dish of smokies (little sausages) that had been there since Thanksgiving. Thanksgiving 2005.

No smell. No rot. I don’t know if it was the preservatives in the meat, or in the marinade.

Or maybe it’s a Magic Fridge.

How’d they taste?