Broccoli is a delicious food. Broccoli is a nutricious food. Broccoli is easy to prepare. Simply steam, and add a pinch of salt. One can never eat too much broccoli, as it is packed with vitamins.
If you make too much broccoli, simply refrigerate for later use. Or throw away. Do not leave broccoli in the steamer for three days, especially if those days are hot and humid. Your kitchen will smell like ass. Satan’s ass. Satan’s ass after having been ass-raped by Hitler. A recently dead and rotting Hitler. Who was left for dead in a pile of dog poo. On a hot day.
Linky no worky. That said, I’m the queen of Mystery Rot, though it is usually confined to the crisper drawer. I’m workin’ on a double batch of bad mushrooms as we speak. As soon as they can be the-last-thing-in-the-garbage-bag, out they go. With any luck, I’ll get to fish a half-liquified cucumber out of there, too!
The other day I grabbed for a sweet potato. I had several, but decided to bake the oldest one, hoping to eat it before it rotted. When I grabbed it, I was surprised to find it had already been baked. At least it was soft. So soft, my thumb went right through it.
Potatoes (white potatoes) are The Worst. Great googly-moogly, they’ll last nearly forever, and if you’re lucky they’ll dry out instead of going Satan’s Ass, but the Assy ones are the Assiest. Worse than dairy. Worse than broccoli (although broccoli is really bad). Worse than onions, even.
Once in college I left a quart of milk in the little fridge in my dorm room over Christmas break. They turned the power off to the dorm over the break, and it was a warmish Christmas that year. When I got back in January I started smelling the milk in the hallway as I approached my room.
One summer a can of frozen orange juice rolled out of the grocery bag in the trunk of my car and concealed itself amongst the clutter in my trunk. Over the next few days I noticed a sickly sweet smell that got worse and worse until I finally located the can. It took weeks to get the smell out of my car.
Last year, on the eve of my summer vacation, I had three items on my agenda. A) Do laundry, B) Eat dinner, C) Pack. I stopped at the grocery and decided to get some crab legs. The temperature that day was something like 187 degrees. Major bits of the supermarket were malfunctioning, and the fish department was looking a little – off. I got the crab legs anyway.
When I got home, I found that the laundry room was closed. They’ll do that when they suspect a lot of people will be running air conditioners. Brown outs are a fact of life in my building. So my plan changed to lugging a huge bag of laundry about 4 blocks in the blistering heat to a laundromat, then getting a couple of slices at a local pizzeria. I wasn’t trusting the crab, and I’d have little time to pack.
Since garbage disposal was in the closed laundry room, I couldn’t throw anything out. I figured the safest place for the crab was in the fridge. It would keep for eight days until I got back, right?
What I didn’t count on was my building having a power outage for two days. By the time I got rid of the fishy smell, I was putting up Christmas decorations.
A couple years ago I bought some carrots with the intention of actually eating them. After a few months in my dorm fridge, the bag hadn’t been opened and the contents had liquified. I gave up on trying to have good intentions about not eating like shit.