My boyfriend and I have been talking marriage, but agree that it makes sense to hold off on getting officially engaged until we’re in a position to plan a wedding. (I am in grad school for the next 2 1/2 years & we are in our late 20s.)
We came up with a crazy plan while drinking a couple weeks ago, and I’m turning to you, Dopers, to help me see some potential pitfalls with this idea. (I am very frightened of the online world of wedding resources. Barf.)
First a bit of background:
[ul]
[li]My immediate family is in a highly accessible but expensive state on the Eastern seaboard & my extended family is all over the place.[/li][li]His immediate family has a beautiful home in a Midwestern town 3 hours from a major airport - his extended family is also nearby but there is little in the way of local hotels.[/li][li]We live together in a 3rd state, not particularly close to either of our families (10-20 hour drives) and before we met, we both lived in various far flung locations, so our friends are also quite scattered. [/li][li]I traveled a lot for my old job and have almost enough miles for one round-the-world ticket. We have previously discussed a round-the-world honeymoon. (We are happiest when we are traveling together.)[/li][/ul]
The idea started with having a small destination ceremony (immediate family & 1 best friend each). This made me a little sad because I’ve always kind of looked forward to seeing all my old friends at once at my wedding. On the other hand, having attended a few weddings, I realize that your own wedding is a horrible time to “see” anyone.
So, the genius idea: if we’re going to travel around for our honeymoon anyway, why not have the small destination ceremony and then travel around and have multiple small celebrations in the cities where our friends live? Not so much mini-weddings as “Hello friends! Drinks on us!” We bear the travel costs, which at our friends’ age can be a fairly large imposition. And we actually get to hang out and catch up instead of making sure Great-Aunt Martha is having a good time. And all the places where our friends live are by definition places we feel nostalgic for (and in many cases, are places from before we met that we haven’t had a chance to share with each other).
So Dopers, is this a neat or horrible idea? ETA: What are we not thinking of that we should?
I think I would like it if a friend from a far flung location told me he/she was coming to town with a new spouse and would be hosting a celebration of their marriage while they were visiting.
I suspect it would be quite a bit of work and planning to pull it off, but if you can, go for it.
Its not a horrible idea to separate out the wedding and reception, I know a number of people who have had a small private destination-type wedding then a larger reception in a more convenient locale weeks later. But for a lot of people, weddings are a time when togetherness is affirmed, especially among families; to me its a touch awkward to celebrate a wedding with his and your families completely separated.
Also, if any of these parties will be the sort of formal party where you send out invitations, arrange catering, have a DJ, etc. – doing all that twice or more will be a bit of a drag. Having events in different cost of living areas could also be strange for family dynamics – like, if you can afford open bar in the small midwestern town but not in the large eastern city, what will you do? Do you have family members who might get hurt feelings over differences like this?
ETA: I think the idea works great for the friend side of the equation. But maybe not for family, especially if either set of parents is a bit traditional in their approach to weddings (and many people who are not very traditional in other ways, are).
Good stuff, Hello Again. The idea would be to have our respective immediate families present at the actual ceremony, but to be honest I hadn’t thought about how to handle extended family. I hadn’t been imagining including extended family in the traveling part & agree that it would be awkward on several counts. Maybe a compromise would be to do the ceremony at his parents’ place, where most of his family is concentrated. Very little of my extended family lives near my parents (they are scattered on the West Coast, Europe, and points between) so it’s going to be a schlep for them no matter how you slice it.
Just thinking about friends, I doubt that we’d do any of those celebrations as a formal party. In fact another reason we thought about doing this is because I think most of our friends would enjoy types of celebrations, like camping or karaoke, that would be totally unappealing to our families.
I’m getting married out of state, but do plan to have a reception in my state just because I want to have a formal party with my friends. By “formal”, I mean that it will be catered and stuff and Bill and I will be wearing formal clothing. My friends will come wearing everything from oil stained jeans to rented tuxes.
Its really hard to make everyone happy, and I understand your desire to share your joy with all of your friends.
Just another thought:
Have the wedding in Vegas! Las Vegas weddings are popular because people generally like coming to Las Vegas so a wedding is a good excuse to travel here. Lots of hotel options to choose from, so it fits every budget. Weather is usually decent. And you can find lots of places to get married - from the cheesy to the elegant.
Just sayin…might be the best of all worlds.
But your idea is not bad either. Although I would be a bit suspicious and some might think, “Oh great - not good enough to be invited to the actual wedding, but now they want me to show up for the reception and bring gift/money…”
Not saying everyone will think that, but some will.
It’s a great idea, especially for your circumstance. I’d book a restaurant, in each place, for a large dinner with friends! Awesome. Consider wearing the same outfit at each event, so your pictures have continuity, and everyone gets to see your gown. Also, consider having some photos taken, at each event, that can later be woven into one large group photo, it could be fun!
‘Traveling reception’ ain’t right though, it’s not a great description of what you plan.
‘Wedding Tour’, maybe? “Magical Mystery Marriage Tour”?
I think it’s a great idea, although I do think you want to make sure you’ve got a few friends (and this is what bridesmaids are good for) to collect RSVPs and make sure everyone knows to not bring gifts. It’s the only way to avoid the Gift Grab misunderstanding. (As I understand wedding reception etiquette, you’re not allowed to mention gifts, not even a request that there be no gifts, yourself. You have to have your mother/bridesmaids/tinker bell call people to let them know that.)
“Bridal Tours” aka voyage à la façon anglaise actually used to be a thing among the European upper class, back in the day when travel was very expensive. It’s actually an old idea whose time has come again.
This is the 21st Century, there is no need to observe such protocol, truly. Feel free to do as you wish, the old rules really, just don’t apply any more. If you’ve attended a wedding recently you know it’s true.
I’m glad some of you think this is a not crazy idea!
elbows, Magical Mystery Marriage Tour - indeed! I think this also would help dispel the perception (which might only be relevant in context of this thread) that any of the stops would include the trappings of a traditional “reception.” And how delightful that this used to be a thing, WhyNot. Perhaps this will require the acquisition of some kind of trunk!
Also, good point on the gifts. We’ve been living together for a couple years so we’re pretty much set on kitchen doodads, etc. I’m not sure if I’d want to rope a bridesmaid into planning this, though - seems like a pretty crappy chore to help plan a series of get-togethers you don’t get to go to. I did quite a bit of complex travel & event planning for my old job, which I’m sure are famous last words.
DMark, Vegas is an interesting idea in principle, but in reality I can think of few places that I’d be less interested in having as the setting for my personal life-long-commitment-making. Vegas is, to put it mildly, not our kind of place. Also, just a pair of plane tickets is tough on the budget for most of our peers, especially when you need to do it several times a year (we just spent a month’s rent to go to wedding in Nebraska…).
I have a friend who did this when they got married last spring. There was the local event, with immediate family and some close friends who flew in. They did a reception event where most of his family lives a month or so later, and in December, I’m going to the reception event that’s closest to me.
I think it makes perfect sense - it can also be as fancy/casual as you need it to be in each place, and you can make it about celebrating the marriage, not a singular day.
How hung up on the destination wedding idea are you? You might be underestimating the number of people willing to travel - maybe not to a destination, but to somewhere reasonable.
You should run with this idea, in my opinion, (as a trunk lover, who owns several!)
When you’re all done with the tour it will be the perfect place to keep all wedding mementos! Maybe plaster it with post cards, or get your guests to sign it. You’ll always know where all your wedding things are - they’ll have their own trunk!
Not very. To clarify, a “destination” for us would probably be something like a reasonably comfortable lodge in a national park or national forest, not, say, Fiji. We’re both attracted to the idea of exchanging vows in a setting where our attention can be more on each other than on being good hosts, but (at least in my opinion, not sure if he agrees), this could happen in the state park down the road as far as I care.
I have enjoyed seeing the exchange of vows at weddings I’ve been to (I’m a crier), but at the same time it strikes me as a deeply private moment and kind of weird to do in front of everyone you know and then some. I don’t want to be up there worrying about whether everything is going according to script. (Aha, we’re uncovering some deeper emotions about the ceremony!) Is that unreasonable/selfish?
ETA: I’m sure most of our friends would be willing to travel, but it seems to me a kindness to save them from having to do so.