Grandma bit the green weenie

“Where are we going?” Asks my five year old. It’s the day before Christmas 2004.

“To visit your Great Grandmother.”

“Why is she great?”

“It just means that she’s Grandma’s mother.”

“Oh… Why is that great?”

“Well…” Hmmmm. How do I explain this? "Your Mom, is just "Ma. “Grand” means “big,” so Grandma means “Big Ma.” “Great” is just another word for “big.” Great Grandma is bigger than Grandma but Grangranma, sounds funny so they use “Great Grandma.”

My daughter absorbs this with some degree of skepticism. “Is she fat, then?”

“No. She isn’t fat big. She’s big in terms of how old she is… Like lots and lots of years. It just means she’s really old.”

“How old?”

“94. or 95.”

“Oh, so where are we going to see Great Grandma?”
Here I pause. To date, the conversation is a fairly typical one. I try to be honest even if I know she’s not going to understand. Sometimes it works out better when she doesn’t understand. If I tell the truth though, she will understand. “We are going to the worst place in the whole world.” There, I spit it out.

“Really?”

“Yes, I’m afraid so. It’s very bad. You will hate it. Tomorrow is Christmas though and we have to visit Great Grandma, and it’s very important that you smile and pretend to be happy. Because it’s hard to be Great Grandma and we should try to make her happy.”

“Why is it so bad?”

“Don’t worry. It’s not scary bad. It’s just bad like Liverwurst. You just won’t like it. You will really hate it, but you have to pretend you like it. Ok?”

“OK.” She’s still skeptical.


There’s something terrible about nursing homes, particularly the skilled care wards. This is where people go to die. Great Grandma has been dying for two long years. From stem to stern, top to bottom, her body is failing. She is completely bedridden. Her mind is… or was… still razor sharp. I say “was” because two years in bed in a nursing home will literally drive you somewhat insane.

We visit and it is every bit as bad as I warned my daughter. When you walk in, you can smell that old person smell, the medication. You can see the breathing masks, the wrinkled wasted forms, hear the moans of those in pain or who’s minds have left them. Worst is the feeling. As I walk in, I feel the sucking. Old and dying people suck your energy out of you. They can’t help it. Their dying creates a life vaccuum and when vital life comes in on the hoof, the energy naturally gets sucked out. That doesn’t make any sense, but the phenomenom is real. It’s worse than running a marathon.

Anyway my daughter does good. We visit and leave and have Christmas.


Driving to the service on Friday my daughter quizzes me again.

“What happened to Great Grandma?” She knows were going to a service but she doesn’t really know why.

“She ate the green weenie,” I reply.

“Ewww, that’s usskusting.”

“Yes, it is kiddo,” trying to keep it light.

“Is she ok?”

“Yes, honey she is ok. She’s ok the only she can be. “Eating the green weenie,” is just a funny way of saying she’s dead. When we visited her she was very sick. She couldn’t get better so that she could run and play. She was very very very old. The only way she could get better was to die. She’s been waiting to die for a long time, and she was ready, and she wanted to.” I’m not lying either. I know this for a fact. She told me so. She had tried to die… It just turns out that it’s not easy.

“OH,”

At the service they have brought my Grandfather in. Grandpa is an ex-chief of Narcotics of New York City. He was Serpico’s control. In his book Serpico calls him “The big dumb polack.” Once he told me that he used to break down the door when they made a bust. It showed his men how he led. One time the door was weak and the weight of the battering ram pulled him through. He fell, and a perpetrator pushed a gun into his skull and pulled the trigger. It was an automatic and the pressure against the barrel from Grandpa’s skull jammed the mechanism. After that he stopped using the battering ram. He just put his head down and ran through the door. He told me, deadpan serious, that this would cut open his head and blood would flow, and that it impressed his men and scared the perps. This earned him the nickname “Rocky,” but I have the feeling it wasn’t necessarily a compliment. He’s a horrible bigot. As a child he beat me so bad with a belt buckle and a hard shoe that I still have scars. He’s a terrible and mean and angry man, but also brave and good and I love and hate him.

He is the only huge very old man I’ve seen. He used to be six-four. Now he’s about six-two. Before his mind went completely a year ago, he used to run and lift weights. In his mid nineties his body is better than most people in their fifties. But his mind has gone. What is left is his instincts, and his basic nature unchecked.

He shouts out “YO!” and “Please Shutup!” during the service and is removed back to his cage. My daughter grins at me thinking it’s some kind of joke. I grin back.

Grandma was a good card player. A merciless card player. She taught me how to play “bloody knuckles,” which IMO is the all time greatest card game, since the name is not euphemistic but literal.

When I was thirteen she gave me $50 secretly. She told me she was old and probably wouldn’t live to see my high school graduation so she wanted me to have this money. That was twenty five years ago.


She died like this:

I mentioned that she had tried to die. She did this by refusing food and water and medication. She would go unconscious, they would start an IV, she would hydrate and wake up, pissed.

Why did we start the IV? Well, my Mom did that. Why would my Mom do that if she knew Grandma wanted to die? ::Sigh:: It’s complicated. The short answer is that she started the IV, because Grandma didn’t tell her not to.

“Why would she do that?” you ask. “You just said she wanted to die?”

Well… Yes… but she didn’t want to be killed and she didn’t want to die and leave my mother thinking that she could have done something to save her. Telling my mother not to start the IV, would have left my mother feeling guilty, like she could have done something to save her. Grandma didn’t want to leave her with the guilt of not starting the IV.

She was very sick and weak last weak. She hadn’t been drinking or eating much at all for several days and it was weakening her further. This may have been deliberate. On Friday she refused all meds, food, and water. Friday night, she went unconscious and had some kind of event, probably a stroke. They put her on oxygen and tried to start an IV but she was so dehydrated they got no return. Her BP was that low. Her body refused to give up though, and she went into rapid breathing “Cheyne Stokes” they call it, I think. They gave her morphine to make her breathing more normal though a Dr. friend of mine told me they really don’t do this for the patient, but for the loved ones, so she looks like she’s at peace."

Her tounge went in and out. She was wasted and… not there.

I saw her by myself, and I didn’t feel like she was there. I joked with her: “Go into the light, Grandma.” Then seriously. “Don’t come back. Rest now. You’ve done good. Go gentle.” Then I left.

Two days later, she gave out.

She died hard.

We don’t do death well in this country. In any compassionate society she would have been allowed to die years ago.

For all his terror and evil, my grandfather is not an evil man. I think he is a great man. But, like all great men, his failings are also great. He had a dignity that the shell that he is no longer shares. He’s like a shadow.

But, he’s not unhappy. He’s simply not aware of anything beyond a visceral level.

He “guards” the Alzheimer’s unit. He patrols it, looking for perpetrators (read “black people.”) He’s an object of derision, but they don’t know that he was a man among men. Great and terrible. A person truly to be reckoned with.

Now, while he “guards” the unit, he has a tendency to play with himself.

I once remarked to my brother that the kindest thing we could do would be to take him deep in the woods until we found a grizzly bear.

“Look Grandpa,” we’d say, “That bear is going to attack us. Save us!” My grandfather would surely shuffle straight to the bear and take it on, and he would die happy fighting the bear.

My brother thought about this for a second, before agreeing.

“What if he kills the bear?” he asked, not entirely rhetorically.

So sorry about your grandma. She sounds like she was full of spirit and loved life. I’m glad to hear she had a nice long life.

On a side note, that post was excellently written - maybe consider submitting it in a short story contest? (If you were comfortable with that, of course).

I agree completely. Death is part of life; that sounds trite, but it’s absolutely true, no matter how hard we try to pretend it’s otherwise. We’ll kill an old dog who is suffering, because to do otherwise is just not right, but not an old person.

Great post. Great story. It made me cry.

Me, too.

Thanks, Scylla.

Thank you, Scylla. I love reading your posts, and you have a beautiful way of getting to the nub of things.

Scylla, I lost my father, also a hard and demanding man, some 40 years ago. He was 56 years old and should have been at his professional peak. He died of cancer of the stomach (which he self diagnosed as incurable and let take its course). Like your grandmother he died hard. I’m not sure his way was any better than your grandmother’s or that his old age would have been any better than your grandfather’s. We can only hope that a merciful God will spare us your grandmother’s pain and my father’s premature death and your grandfather’s loss of dignity.

Tomorrow we will burry my friend and optician. For ten years he has suffered with half a dozen unrelated cancers and kidney failure. In the end he decided to stop dialysis and pasted away as peacefully as possible in three days time. In the winter of 1944-45 he was a 19 year old rifleman in Italy and the only man to return from a ten man patrol. Old men from his company will help burry him. He died at eighty surrounded by his wife and kids, and grandkids and great-grandkids, in full command of his mind and his life to the end.

In the end all we can ask is to get out with some grace. I’m sorry your grandmother did not get that.

Scylla I am sorry for you and your family’s loss.

You say that we don’t do death well in this country. It is very true, unfortunately. Everyone, after reading this story, make sure you vocalize your wishes to your next of kins. Better yet, put it on paper.

Medical science can offer all kinds of therapies that serve only to prolong agony while robbing dignity. It doesn’t have to be this way. But in the medical profession, we only have the law and the patient’s wishes to guide us. The legal default is maximum care in most circumstances and only definitive knowledge of the patient’s wishes can change that.

Scylla I’m so sorry for your loss. You and your family will be in my thoughts and prayers. Though she wanted to die, it’s still tough to lose a dear family member.

I’m so glad I do have a living will and advanced directive. I’m especially greatful to have a sister who will carry out my wishes, as I have entrusted her to do.

I wish your family and you peace, Scylla.

I always open Scylla posts. They sometimes make me laugh, they sometimes make me think, and they always make me feel. My condolences to you and your family, Scylla. May your Grandmother now be at peace.

How did “biting the green weenie” become a euphemism in your family for dying?

Grangranma did good. I’m glad she’s at peace.

I was hundreds of miles away when my grandmother died, but I know she just decided to quit living, and thankfully, she was at home and she died in her sleep. She’d had a stroke and was completely dependent upon everyone for everything. I know it was a trial for the woman who had to be doing for everyone else. Your story made me remember her and I’m grateful she was able to go on her own terms. We should all be so fortunate.

Just checking back in to echo what FCM said about how we should all be so fortunate to go on our own terms. My younger brother died laid back in his recliner, tv on and an open Bud on the table beside him. Classic Gary. In my mind, I know he died peacefully. That’s the best we could all hope for.

Scylla, so sorry, etc. Truly, I am, but the words just sound trite and repetitive.

My grandma’s getting ready; she’s talking about God a lot, which she never used to. Talking about my grandfather, who died 8 years ago. Asked me if I wanted all her yarn, because she just doesn’t want to knit anymore.

Bleh.

She may be ready, but I’m not.

Maybe that’s why your mom kept putting in the IV.

Mr maternal Great great Granduncle Mortimer, was leading his family across the Russian steppes, because their village was destroyed in the Great Borst Factory explosion of 1897. Out of sympathy they took with them Sven Balooga who was something of the village idiot.

Everybody carefully rationed their food for the journey except for Sven. He ate all his in the first week. Everything that is except for a single Weinerschnitzel. Knowing that it was his last Weinerschnitzel, Sven refused to eat, but carried it with him in his hand or tucked into his shorts.

Everybody else kept their food in their backpacks where it remained frozen, but Sven kept his Weinerschnitzel warm.

Everybody told him to put the weiner in his backpack but Sven wouldn’t listen. He remembered the words of his dear departed mother. “Keep you weiner in your pants, Sven!”

So, after two weeks, the weiner began to rot and turn green. It started to smell and become incredibly rank. The smell was so bad that nobody would sleep in the same tent with Sven and even though the conditions were horribly crowded Sven always had a tent to himself because of his rank weiner.

But then… rank does have its privileges.

Anyway, one night the entire camp was woken up with cries of great distress coming from Sven’s tent. They could hear his horrid flatulence and moans of pain over the driving wind of the blizzard, and howling of the Steppenwolves.

In the morning, they finally ventured forth to Sven’s tent.

“Sven, Sven what is wrong?”

“I ate the green weenie,” he said, and died.
Sometimes, late at night, in a driving snowstorm as the wind howls across the steppes, if you listen closely you can hear the moans of Sven and his tortured flatulence.

And that’s why we call it “eating the green weenie.”

[sub]Actually, I have no idea why it got called "eating the green weenie[/sub]

Thanks for two great posts. I’m sorry for your loss but am glad you have a sensibility that allows events like this to filter your observations in strange, funny, and remarkable ways.

Yarn. You’re lucky. For me it was (and I swear on my children this is the truth…)

Toilet paper.

Yes. Toilet paper.

You see, about four years ago we moved them from their House in Long Island, to this nursing home. They were to have a small apartment in assisted living so they couldn’t take all their stuff.

I was helping, and a lot of stuff was being given away.

Now my grandparents have always been a little bit paranoid about running out of toilet paper, and they have this tiny closet in their basement and they keep it filled with the stuff.

We would joke about it to them. They’ve always had that closet filled with toilet paper.

Now I’ve always been somewhat carefree about toilet paper and I’ve run out several times. I asked them if I could have some of that toilet paper.

Grandma and Grandpa stared at each other with an intense and meaningul look. It seemed tinged with embarassment. Then, they told me I could have it all.

So, I started to take the toilet paper out of the closet… and I kept taking the toilet paper out of the closet… and I kept taking the toilet paper out of the closet… and then I realized it wasn’t a closet. It was a whole room… a large room. Every square inch of the room was stuffed with unopened economy sized packages of toilet paper unopened and in the plastic.

It wasn’t funny. It was kind of horrifying.

As I got deeper and deeper into the room, the toilet paper stopped being white. It got old, and yellow, it got moldy where water had seeped through the wrapping where the glue sealing it had flaked away. Further and further and I got back to toilet paper that was made before they put in plastic wrap, great big stacks of it wrapped in kraft paper, loose rolls in paper bags.

It stunk, and it was wet, and there were mice and vermin.

It turns out that every time they went to the store they bought a huge economy sized thing of toilet paper… for like forty years.

We had a dumpster, and I literally filled the entire dumpster with old toilet paper. We had to have it emptied and get another one. It was disgusting and dirty and hard work because the toilet paper absorbed water from the air and the walls. It was nasty and fatid and the cinder block walls were stained with it.

Eventually, I got back through the room, and at the back of the room there was another door. I opened the door and…

It was filled with toilet paper.

It turns out that this was the closet where they originally stored the toilet paper. The stuff in that closet must have gone back to the early fifties. I was like an archeologist.
That’s a true story.

Thanks everybody for the nice posts. I wanted to eulogize her in some fashion. The sympathy is appreciated. It’s funny, but I’m not upset or sad, and I don’t even really miss her. We’ve been waiting for this for so long, and it’s not really a shock.

I’m glad it’s done, and I wish her well.

Wow,

You really are a good writer.

Did you ever see the Bruce Campbell movie Bubba Ho-Tep? It has a lot of things to say about nursing homes. All intertwined with a story of an old Elvis and Ozzie Davis, who thinks he is JFK, fighting a mummy that sucks people’s life force out of their ass.

Oh. Oh my. I keep visualizing this endless room filled with aging toilet paper.

These lines, wow, just wow:

All four of my grandparents and my mother have died, four of the five from cancer. I absolutely hate the way our society deals with the old and dying. Often, medical treatment only prolongs the agony and makes the whole process so much worse that I wonder sometimes if being tortured to death might not be preferable. At least you could hate your oppressors without feeling guilty about it.

My mother’s death, from breast cancer that spread to her brain, turned from a process that probably would have taken only weeks from its discovery into over nine months of watching one of the smartest, most determined women I ever knew turn into a damaged pathetic husk. She couldn’t communicate clearly most of the time. She often didn’t know who we were. Sometimes I wonder if she really knew anything but the pain.

The worst thing was, when she died, all I could feel for a while was relief. I was glad that thing that used to be my mother was dead. I still can’t recall my mother’s face without seeing the mask of the imbecile cancer had made her into overlying it. My mother died long before her body did. I was glad that she was finally free of that putrid shell that had trapped her and made it so hard to see the mother that I loved inside it.

The Vikings are held to fear dying from anything other than battle. Whether this is true or not, I understand it. I’d far rather have a clean death from disembowelment or rotting wounds than die old and cancer ridden, in a bed at home.