grandma in the delivery room

In My Humble Opinion
21

Well, here’s a mom checking in to tell about being there for her daughter’s delivery. I’ve had four children, all daughters, and all natural, so this wasn’t really a big deal for me, as far as the experience goes. But my (not-so) little girl asked me to be there and that was good enough for me. It was her first birth, she was a bit frightened, and I did everything I could think of to help her through the whole thing. I wasn’t watching the vaginal process when my granddaughter was born, I was looking at the face of my child. I can’t tell you what relief was there on her face when she heard, and what I always listened for, the cry of her child, to know that it was all worth it just for that moment. And you know what, I have a picture of her at that moment I wouldn’t take a million bucks for. We experienced this together and we’ll never forget it ever. And yes, her husband was there as well, but he paid no attention to my daughter, just the birth. I’m not bashing his behavior, by way. He was enthralled with the whole thing. I think it all worked out well in the end. Oh, and I have those pics if anyone is interested. Just e-mail. Total satisfaction on her face, no doubt about it.

I think the choice of a female attendent for the person giving birth is totally appropriate, no matter what relation. It doesn’t even have to be a certain gender. A woman who is giving birth needs all the support she can get.

And by the way, granddaughter’s nickname is, by my choice on a dare, Febo (after a Phoebe-naming reference in Friends, if anyone gets it) and she will be one year old next month.

I’m a proud grandmere.

22

I married a widower with a grown daughter. When she was giving birth to her first child (in a birthing room), I was able to rub her back and encourage her. The mother’s grandfather, father, husband and grandmother were all present.

At one point the nurse was shooing us out of the room. As I was about to leave, my step-daughter said, “Zoe, you can stay.” That was such a wonderful gift to me.! I had never born a child or seen one brought into this world.

Of course, since I stayed, the others began to file back in so we were all there!

The bonding may happen in a moment’s time or over a long period of time. Our presence didn’t interfere with that process at all. There was plenty of love to go around and the more people who became bonded with this child, the better. She knows that she is much loved. In a couple of years, when she is eighteen, I will give her the little book where I scribbled the details of what the room looked like and things that were said. I think she will treasure it.

If she had wanted to move out, there was no way that her mother could have stopped her. Saying that “her mother wouldn’t let her” is silly.

I hope as you grow older you will see the birth process as a natural and beautiful moment – but never creepy.

23

My mom was with me when I was in labor. It was a nice comfort and help to have her there–and mr. genie could go get a sandwich without feeling like he was abandoning me.

She didn’t get to be there for the birth, since I wound up with a c-section.

As for beautiful mother-father-baby bonding with no one else around–well, remember that there will also be at least two medical people in there, and probably the whole scene will be more like a circus with doctors and nurses and machines that go ping than it will be you three alone.

24

My mom and husband traded off during my labor. His parents were in town too and he kept going out to talk to them. My mom was letting her feelings get hurt over it and finally said something like, “If you leave her in there alone again, I am going in.” He said, 'ok sure, come on I’ll show ya where she is". The rest the day they traded in and out. After about 12 hours he left with his parents for dinner, (he’s not the sort to miss a meal and I was only at 3) while he was gone they decided that I’d been at 3 since before 6am and were going to do a C-section because of fetal distress. He arrived just in time for delivery. I’m so glad my mom was there when the scary stuff stared happening and they decided to do the C-sect.

I don’t think he would have left me during the labor if his parents hadn’t been there, but they were and he did, and that’s how Grandma came to be in the delivery room. (Granted not at the same time as hubby.)

25

Hi all. There are some beautiful stories here. I’m especially impressed that EJsGirl could share the event with both sides of the family. ThirdMonkey-That was a touching tale about watching your daughter’s face. It made me a little…umm…teary. I don’t want to exclude anyone else who took the time to answer. I did not realize the …I can’t find the word… I’ll call it life-affirmingness (I know that’s not a real word) of the event that could be shared with others.

I guess it is my own personal issues that color my perceptions (I’m sorry- that makes no grammatical sense but I think you know what I mean). I grew up alone without family and have a hard time fathoming the family lives of others. I don’t want pity for that. It’s just a fact. I envy you all that have that relationship with your parents. BTW, I am a bit older than my girlfriend. I have 3 children from a previous marriage and I was there for there births. Those were moments that I would never forget and I can see now how a mother might want to share in that. I mispoke with the “creepy” comment.

You’ve all given me something to think about. I have a new insight that I like. It might even make me a better person and I thank you for that.

But I still stand by my statement that a 27 year old woman with the means to- ought to move out and live on their own. If it was a man, we’d call him a “Mama’s Boy”. But don’t worry Tamex, I’m not forcing any wedges or anyone to do something they don’t want.

26

It’s really not that bad. My mother in law walked in while my wife was pushing on our second child. I didn’t want her there when we talked about it , but when the dya came i didn’t really care. I’m glad she got to see her child give birth. Share and let her enjoy this day.

27

Believe me, some people have flipped when I told them that my mom and his mom each had a knee, helping me push!

My MIL and I have never really been on the same page, but that was something I knew would go a long way towards making her feel that I valued her. And they are the talk of their grandparent circles!

Hell, I asked my dad and brother to stay the first time, but they were up and out like their asses were on fire! My dad firmly believes that a man’s place is in the waiting room!

I think birth can be very hard on a husband. Your wife may be in great pain, there is quite a bit of blood, and you can’t do anything to fix it. It must make them feel very powerless. I, on the other hand, love being pregnant and giving birth, and wish I could do it a few more times!

:smiley:

28

My mom and husband were both in the room with me. Good thing, too, as they each were given the task of holding up one of my legs when I was pushing.

They tried to get MIL to come in the room but she wouldn’t, saying she was afraid I’d be “embarassed.” Yeah, MIL, there’s literally 7 strangers in the room, all looking at my coochie. One more’s really gonna matter. (The second she heard LittleSnoopy’s first cries, though, she ran into the room and bolted over to the warming station.)

Looking back I know lots of women whose moms were in the room with them. And best friends, and sisters, and cousins, etc.

Just depends on the woman, I think.

29

I can’t fathom having given birth without my mother there. I come from a relatively close family, but my friends who aren’t close with their moms had a sister or a girlfriend or a grandmother or something there with them. For all the reasons mentioned above, a female understands in ways a male doesn’t, etc etc.

I actually got the bonus plan, being the youngest my Mom had been thru it with my elder sisters so she was super helpful with reading the contraction monitors and such.

Tamex is exactly right, somewhere during pregnancy and labor your parts stop being yours and birthing is as much a spectator event for you as it is for the daddy or grandma. It’s somehow okay even if everyone stares, because there’s just amazing stuff going on there.
I thought a doula was someone hired after the baby arrived though. AFAIK it translates in Greek to something like ‘mother the mother’ and the doula is there to feed and generally cluck over the mother and help care for the newborn while the mother recuperates.

30

Well, according to http://www.doula.com, “a doula supports women and their families in achieving the birth that they desire.” It looks like they help you prepare and plan for the birth, but they also stay by your side throughout labor and birth, providing “emotional support, physical comfort measures, and an objective viewpoint.”

Just like Mom. I didn’t know the meaning of the name before, but it sounds appropriate.

irishgirl brings up a good point. If the father of the baby can’t be there, then Grandma is often the main labor coach.

I think that sisters (of the person giving birth) are also often present. Now that I think about it, I know a lot of people who had their sisters there or were there when their sisters were giving birth. No brothers, though…I think brothers tend to get the “asses on fire” syndrome :).

31

I think it’s creepy, too. I couldn’t really explain why, it just is.

Though I am neither married nor pregnant, my mother already knows that she will not be in the delivery room. She is totally cool with that. Her mother was not there when she had me. She also knows that her fuction at the hospital that day is to keep Mr Mercury’s mother, who has already told me that she’s coming, the hell out of the delivery room. I have authorised the use of physical force. :wink:

As for Mr Mercury, the jury’s still out. He says he will come in, and if it’s important to him, then he will. Personally, though, I would be happy as a clam to have no-one with me. There are doctors and nurses, who do this day in a day out and won’t be seeing anything new. The family has the rest of their lives to bond with the child, and I’ve seen enough births on TV (and heard enough about them) to know I do not need an audience.

-M

32

I’m one of the few, I guess, who didn’t want my mom in the room. She’s very excitable – gets hysterical easily, and all that – and I couldn’t bear the idea of trying to calm her down when I had such an important job to do. When I gave birth to both my daughters, I knew I’d need all my strength for the task ahead, rather than supporting Mum through all the stress.

Is that selfish? Probably so. On the other hand, my husband was there for both, and he was no earthly help whatsoever. Baby #1: Sat at the foot of my bed, ate a sandwich and read the paper while I screamed in agony. Baby #2: Stood in the corner of the room until the nurse-anesthetist ordered him over to hold my hand. First time I wanted to kill him, second time I felt sorry for him (insofar as I was able. :wink: Delivery rooms are definitely not his strong point.

If Mum could’ve kept her cool, I might’ve let her in. My MIL would’ve rather been shot by firing squad than been in the delivery room with me, I’m sure. :wink: I wanted a doula, truthfully, but they were hard to find in our area in 1999, the last time I popped out a kid.

Mrs. Furthur

33

My mom was there, I think. I know my hubby was, but I’m not sure if my mom was in the room when she was born or not. She was there during labor. But my dad and son were outside and I’m not sure when she was in the room and when she was out of it.

I however, did not let my dad into the room. That would have been creepy.

34

Wait, you’re not even married or pregnant, and this woman has announced that she’ll burst into your delivery room uninvited?! That’s a bit presumptive, isn’t it? :eek:

**

I think it’s very unusual to give birth alone in the US these days. Having family members or friends there is not about having an “audience”, it’s about emotional and physical support. I think that you really will want at least one person who is paying attention to your face and your needs and not just your ahem coochie. I mean, labor does take hours, after all, and it’s an uncomfortable business at best. The doctors and nurses do check in on you, but they have other patients, too. YMMV.

kelebrian, I don’t think that there’s anything wrong with not wanting your mom there, either. If your mom is able to be of help to you, it’s great, but if she’d be more of a hinderance… If my MIL were my mom, I wouldn’t want her there…I’d be the one trying to calm her down, instead of the other way around! My in-laws are all excitable, and anything involving them turns into a circus-type atmosphere. If I ever have another baby, we’re not even going to call them until the kid is out…and preferably not until we are home from the hospital!

I can’t believe your husband, though. He read the paper?! Yeah, I think you could certainly have used a doula.

35

By the time you’ve been in the hospital an hour so many people will have been fishing around down there that you just won’t care anymore!

I had enough wires and monitors goung up inside by the end that I didn’t care who they brought in to peek. I felt like some kind of science fair experiment with the IV’s and the blood pressure stuff and all the baby monitors and oxygen and who knows what else!

And when it became CSection time… ooof there’s something humbling about being paralyzed by anesthesia and having someone try and wrestle your bra off!

36

I’m not going to comment on your girlfriend’s family situation, zydecat- certainly you know more about that than I do! But I don’t understand this modern obsession with moving out. “Oh, he still lives with his parents!” So what? Humans are social creatures; by and large, most of us don’t like being alone. People move out only to get into romantic relationships with people who may not be suitable (so they won’t be alone). Or they move in with roommates who may not be sane (but they’re not alone). Why not just stay home? What does paying rent have to do with, well, anything important? You can travel, have a social life, or pursue educational and career goals just as well with your parents as without. This is, of course, assuming that one’s parents are rational human beings who don’t interfere with comings and goings, which would not appear to be the situation with your girlfriend’s mother.

This argument may be invalidated by the fact that I moved out at twenty-one. Oh, yeah, and I don’t think I want my mom in the delivary room because she is high-strung and prone to panic. Years ago, she passed out in the emergency room as the doctor explained how he was going to stitch up my knee. I have no reason to expect that she’ll be any more reliable during my labor.

37

My first birth was a stillbirth in hospital – my best friend, homebirth midwife, hospital midwife and Mr P were present.

Second birth was a homebirth – Mr P, my best female friend, mmy male best friend (who happened to be an acupuncturist), and two homebirth midwives were present. My mother wasn’t as she was too nervous to go to a homebirth.

Third birth was in hospital – my mother and my midwife. Mr P wasn’t there as he was really not much use in prior births and panics too easily. Much easier without him there.

I didn’t have my kids or my step daughter at the births. I did ask my step daughter if she wanted to be present but she said, yuck and we left it at that. If I were better at childbearing and more convinced the baby was going to live, I might have my kids present.

Not that I am having any more,

38

My MIL sounds a lot like kelebrian’s. She’d have been negative help for Mrs. Skeezix, had we allowed her in the delivery room. She might well have needed more medical attention than Mrs. Skeezix did, had she been there.

In fact, now that I think back on it, she had to be restrained from barging in, shortly before the Skeezling was born. We’d made our feelings known to all and sundry, in the most diplomatic way possible, well beforehand. To whit, if you weren’t in the room when she was conceived, you didn’t really need to be in the room when she was delivered. This was our child, and we’d like to try and do it ourselves, thanks.

(No, our reasons weren’t actually that cold hearted, but that’s what the bottom line was. And the hospital had a “one non-pregnant civilian in the room rule,” besides.)

Besides, I didn’t go to alla them Lamaze classes (or whatever the actual name is) just to sit on the sidelines when the big moment arrived.

As for dads in the delivery room:
If you can’t be there, whether from squeamishness, or some job/travel/medical reason, that’s understandable. But I couldn’t imagine having that option, and not taking it. But that’s me, and every dad ain’t me.

Our daughter was born with her eyes open, and y’know who the very first person in the world she saw was? It weren’t a doctor, nurse, or doula. No matter what kind of crap life throws at me, I got that to look back on.

[sub]We were also told that she wouldn’t cry, or make any kind of vocalizations for a while, about two seconds before she belted out a high volume yell. She’s never been much for doing what’s expected. I’m pretty sure we’re not gonna be bored, or well rested for that matter, for a lotta years to come.[/sub]

39

It was just me and hospital staff with my son’s birth. :frowning: I wish the ex would have been allowed in, but it was a no-no unless you did pre-natal classes, which we didn’t.

40

I think it depends on the relationship between the new mom (you know, the one delivering a baby) and the old mom/MIL. If there is a strong relationship there, then it doesn’t seem at all creepy or out-of-place. If the relationship is strained or difficult, it can be inappropriate or even detrimental to have older mom/MIL in the delivery room.

My wife and her mother have a somewhat strained relationship, and my wife specifically told me that having her mom in the delivery room would just stress her out. I found a diplomatic way to convey this, and she stayed out.

It’s different for everyone, but my rule is that whatever the new, delivering mom is comfortable with is what everyone else abides by.