Men at birth. How do you really feel?

In My Humble Opinion
1

Mr Primaflora was not at the birth of our third child. It was a mutual decision and one we were both totally cool with. I am amazed at how many people think that we are weird or somehow lacking because we took this decision.

Does anyone else think that maybe along the way we forgot to include choice about birth when it became important for men to be there? I think if a man wants to be at a birth, then of course he should be there. But if he has reservations and the woman is OK, then should he be emotionally blackmailed into being present?

2

Should he be emotionally blackmailed into it? No. Is it going to happen anyway? Yes.

I was at all of my wife’s births and would have been real pleased to be someplace else. So would she. The twins were a caesarian, which is gross in a completely different manner.

OTOH, the only way I was going to find out the condition of my wife and children was to be there, so I was. I am not patient while waiting to hear these things.

3

OK, here’s one viewpoint. As a Boomer Generation guy growing up in the 50s I absorbed the mores of the times from TV & movie scenes, countless cartoons in magazines, etc. about the way it was done. That is, the guy paced and smoked in the waiting room until the nurse or doctor came in to tell him about his new offspring. In a sense, I was looking forward to it as a ritual of passage. Besides, the thought of being around all that pain and mess made me a bit queasy.

Fast forward to the late 70s and the word LaMaze enters my consciousness, thanks to my sweet wife. HER model is that any loving husband will of course be right there in the delivery room, coaching her and giving support. So that’s exactly what happened. All went well, and it wasn’t nearly as stressful as I thought it was going to be. Certainly it felt better to her, and that was important.

Though I never told her, I felt at the time vaguely as if I had missed out on something.

Six years later, it’s the early 80s and we’re expecting again. One day, about 6 weeks short of the due date, following a routine checkup, the OB says my wife is pre-eclamptic and we’ll have to do a c-section early. How early? Oh, this afternoon.

Under this circumstance, no husbands are allowed in the delivery room, and I get to do my pacing and smoking. (Outside, though. By this time, the hospital is totally off limits to smoking). And, wouldn’t you know it, I’d much rather be with my wife. All was well in the end, and the 5 pound preemie born that day is a senior in high school and stands 6’2".

So it may be a case of the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence.

Final thought – to heck with what the guy thinks, she’s the one going through the situation, and whatever makes her comfortable is the right thing to do

4

“I don’t know nothin’ ‘bout birthin’ no babies!”

5

I agree with Rita Rudner’s husband, who said “It would have to be a very big room … and there would have to be a bar at one end of it.”

6

I was going to say that I don’t remember how I felt at birth, but it turns out the thread’s not about that.

7

I was there for my ex-wife both times. Did I have a deep down, visceral desire to be an intimate observer of this miraculous process? Not really. And while there are some men who do feel the NEED to be there I don’t think most men do.

I was there because she wanted me to be there and to support her in her time of trial, which I did. It was nice to see my son and daughter open their eyes but it was busy and I felt like I was in the way (which I was I suppose), especially when everything stated to pop. I don’t love my daughter or son “more” (or less) for the experience of having seen them pulled out of my ex-wifes womb covered in blood and amniotic goo.

The dad in the birthing room is a currently fashionable, modern conceit and despite sentimental notions to the contrary IMO does nothing re increasing bonding between father and child vs the experience of seeing the baby presented all nice and clean swaddled in a blanket.

8

I could not have envisioned being anywhere else when our daughters were being born and the devil himself could not have kept me out of the delivery room.

When our eldest daughter was born she came out punching (ouch) and after I cut the cord I followed the nurse as she carried her over to the warming table. The baby we now call Alex was screaming at the top of her lungs as babies do but when I spoke to her she stopped crying and looked right at me. The first words she heard were: “Hi, I’m your Dad. I love you”. As soon as I walked away to see how Lola was faring she resumed her healthy screaming.

The nurse just stared at me and said she had never seen a newborn do that in her long career as a maternity nurse. I explained that I had been talking to Alex since she was conceived and and I could always calm her down before she was born. She simply knew my voice and I didn’t find this at all surprising.

I love being a dad.

9

We attended Bradley classes instead of Lamaze, and one of their emphases was that the husband was SUCH an important part of the process. I guess the principle is that when the wife is, shall we say, proccupied with this huge thing overtaking her, he can keep a cool head and remember everything learned in 12 weeks of classes as well as everything else they ever thought important about the birth. I found all this very intimidating because I just didn’t see my husband being the Perfect Model Calm Cool Collected Support Partner. Yeah, I knew he’d be there for me, supporting me in the ways he does (and which are very effective) but I didn’t see him turning into Champion Labor Coach just because that was the late 90’s model of effective birthing.

All this to say, I got quite annoyed with this emphasis. We got a doula instead. She was a godsend. In the end they needed to get the anklebiter out with the help of a scalpel, and she wasn’t allowed in the operating room. But previous to that it was great–SHE was the one with the bag o’ labor tricks. She was the one who could suggest different ways of keeping my labor progressing in bearable ways. She knew the medical crap going on. She could stay with me while husband went to get dinner. And that freed my husband to be there but in his own invaluable inimitable way, making me laugh, holding my hand, whatever felt normal to him. Pressure was off. It was much better.

The short answer is, he was there for the birth and I’m glad he was (and he was glad he was). My problem was not with the expectation of his presence but with the expectation that he would suddenly be Mr. Labor Coaching Expert.

10

I was there all 3 times. I was pretty fucking useless. I remember the 1st time when Mrs. D appeared to be in discomfort, and I said in a loving, supportive voice, “Breathe deeply.” To which she lovingly responded, “I know how to breathe. Shut the fuck up.” So I started cruising the remote control.

And with my 2d, I started to feel a little lightheaded - hadn’t eaten anything in several hours. The nurses were being very solicitous to me, getting me a chair and some juice, and my loving life partner said something along the lines of, “Let him fall to the floor and kick him into the corner. I’m the one who’s working here.” Ah, the romance.

But, I put it down as an experience the ordinary person doesn’t get to experience all that often. When given the choice, I generally try to err on the side of acquiring experience/knowledge/information. For example, when the mother is pushing, you can actually see the crown of the baby’s head inside of her. Wow! Or when my firstborn started screaming as soon as her head (but not the rest of her) was out. Now there’s something you don’t see every day. Or if you weren’t there, you wouldn’t know what it was like to cut the cord (a lot tougher than I had expected.) And you don’t get to encounter all that many disposable organs.

In a world where we are increasingly surrounded by artificiality and superficiality, the birth of your children is a very “real” experience, and one which you will not get a second chance to witness/participate in.

11

I am one of the men who felt like I HAD to be there. I knew that this was going to be my only chance (my wife and I agreed to only one child) so if I was going to ever experience it it had to be this time. Additionally, my wife wanted me there, which really sealed the deal. When it turned out that she had to have a c-section she was all the more glad to have me there (she said later, during the procedure she was pretty oblivious). I just sat by her head and told her that I loved her, that she was doing fine, and that it would all be ok. There was nothing else I could do.

Nothing will ever erase the memory of seeing Lilly for the first time. Pure, unadulterated joy. No other way to describe it. It really was love at first site. I told the dr. and nurses that they could all retire as they had just participated in the birth of the world’s most perfect child. Lilly’s only the slightest bit spoiled (ha ha ha).

12

That is not at all contrary to the Bradley philosophy. The husband’s (or other chosen person’s) major role is as emotional support. The Bradley classes teach you the biological aspects of pregnancy and birth because that knowledge allows you to make better choices and to be a better consumer. But you are still expected to be attended by a doctor or midwife whom you trust and respect. You aren’t expected to do it all on your own. Many couples who use the Bradley Method also hire a doula. In fact, many Bradley teachers attend the births of their students. Each couple’s decision will be based on many factors-how confident each of them feels, whether they are being attended by a conventionally trained doctor or by someone with lots of Bradley experience, whether they are social people who feel happiest with a crowd of friends around or are quiet people who work better alone.

13

dropzone wrote:

Ugh, tell me about it. They used to have this show on The Learning Channel called The Operation, where every week they showed you a different surgical procedure in all its gory details. After the eyeball surgery episode one week and the open-heart surgery episode another week, they showed a caesarian section. I still vividly remember the obstetric surgeon (who happened to be a woman) playing with the patient’s uterus after the baby had been removed. (She didn’t cut the uterus out or anything nasty like that, she just bounced it in place with her hand.) I remember thinking, “Hey, put that back!”

14

I was there for both of mine. Wouldn’t have missed it for anything. And like Dinsdale, I was quickly reduced to the role of spectator when I gently reminded my wife about breathing. As my son was delivered, I was on the receiving end of such a kick, that two more inches to the left, would have ensured he would have been an only child.

That being said, I can understand how some fathers would not want to be in attendance. It certainly isn’t for the squeamish, among other things. No father should have to apologize or feel guilty about not being there. It’s up to mom and dad to decide…no one else.

15

I was present at the birth of each of my three children (almost missed the second birth because I had to run downstairs to feed a parking meter!..and this, after six hours of waiting with her in labor!..fortunately, I made it).

How did I feel about being there? I felt that if she’s gone through all the discomfort of nine months of pregnancy and the pain of labor, then the least I could do was be there to support her, if that’s what she wanted, which it was.

On top of that, I wanted to be there to greet my new child into the world, so I would have chosen to be there anyway, unless my wife told me she specifically didn’t want that.

16

I didn’t have my husband in the room when I had our daughter. I didn’t want him in there and he was thrilled to offer his services babysitting our son while I went to give birth. I had my Mother and sister in the room both times I gave birth and that was what I wanted. I had been in the room with my sister when she gave birth to my first niece and nephew so I knew how gross and unpleasant the experience could be. I was the one laying on the floor screaming for the doctor that da. I’ll never get over hearing her tear inside because the nurses and doctors didn’t think she would push hard, turns out she pushed twice and I caught my niece as she slid out of my sister. SO my husband was great during the pregnancy but when it came time for Miss Luci to be born, I opted to leave him at home and that worked out great for us. He slept in with our son then slowly came to the hospital just in time to be told it was a girl. They let him hold her as soon as my Mom walked her into the nursery so he did get to hold her while she was still warm from being in me. Then he was able to come into my room and tell me how beautiful she was and how proud he was of us both. I never wanted a male in when I gave birth, having my Mom and my sister in the room made is such a female bonding time.

17

I was there for the birth of both our kids. We opted for the midwife for both births and it made it a wonderfully calm experience (well, as calm as childbirth could be anyway).

My wife began labour 36 hours before the actual birth of our first child. I had forgotten to eat and did not get much sleep the entire time. After our daughter was born I remember sitting in the darkened room while my wife and daughter slept. I wanted to sleep too but the room kept spinning every time I close my eyes and I began to halucinate that the shadows in the room were actually moving. This made me even more determined to stay up another 3 hours until sunrise. I made it through the next day on a diet of sweet coffee and adrenaline.

The birth of our son was less stressful on me because I sort of knew what to expect. It was also much quicker. About 12 hours from start to finish. It was a bit tougher on my wife because she elected not to use an epidural this time around.

Reflecting on both experiences, I would not have minded pacing in the hall and simply looking in on her every fifteen minutes. In fact, I’d be perfectly happy to be in the room the entire time except for the few minutes of the actual birth. I chikened out of cutting the cord both times. As someone already mentioned, though I was right there coaching and breathing and counting and encouraging, I still felt absolutely useless. I remain convinced to this day that all that breathing and counting and encouraging is for the father’s benefit. Giving him something to do instead of playing with the medical equipment in the room.

Let’s face it, the birth is going to happen whether the dad’s there or not and I see not real reason to stand around and get blamed for hours on end for a brief happy moment that occured roughly nine months ago.

As for seeing the baby the moment after it’s born with that purple tinge to their skin - the best word to describe it is - Surreal. The miracle of birth indeed.

18

Feynn and I were both there when the girls were created, we were both there when they were born. I felt it was right for us.

I felt like I needed him there in my time of pain. I needed the emotional support that he could give me. I was comforted just knowing that he was there. We share our ups and downs, and birth was no different, except it was an up and down at the same time (painful birth, beautiful baby).

And as he said himself, the devil couldn’t have kept him away. :slight_smile:

19

I am due in April and have never done this before. My husband will be there for the birth. I can’t imagine going through something like that without him. We have decided that although he will be there, he is not going to make it a point to try to watch the birthing process unless he really gets the urge at that moment. I don’t feel comfortable having him see me stretched out like that. He doesn’t want to cut the cord because of the “ick” factor. He is basically going to stay up top holding my hand and standing there, just being there. If my husband did not want to be there, I would push the issue, but that is just me. I am not worried that he may feel faint or uneasy about this. If I am in pain, I expect him to be there to support me. The baby is, after all, ours, not just mine.
I don’t think you are weird, Primaflora. Weird would be making yourself uncomfortable during birth to satisfy other people. If you both agreed on the situation, who cares what other people say? Maybe they would like some unsolicited advice on raising their children in return?

20

Ellykat

I was just stunned by the number of people who chose to pass judgment on what seemed a fairly straight forward decision to me.

Of course the passing judgment on parenting thang needs a thread to itself preferably in the pit.

Good luck with the birth and the baby. Gee I would like another baby but it is not gonna happen :frowning: